Rob's spoiler-loaded rambling "Transformers" blurb

As previously promised, here is my in-depth stream-of-consciousness babbling brook of a blog entry on Michael Bay's summer blockbuster film fest, "Transformers." I'll essentially be repeating what I said earlier, but in spoiler-loaded detail, so those of you who don't want the film's plot elements ruined for you should turn away now at the sight of Megatron's mechanical Sarlaac pit face:

Still here? Okay, let's go.

To be honest, in thinking about what I was going to write here, I realize I didn't have too much more to contribute, as my earlier review covered the key point I wanted to make -- that while Transformers was a fine action movie for the masses, it's somewhat disappointing for the long-time devoted Transformers fans.

There's a scene in the movie that really sticks in my throat: where the Autobots are following Spike Sam Witwicky home, to wait for him to retrieve his great-great-great-great-whatever-grandfather's glasses, as it holds the key to the survival of their race. However, instead of sensibly staying parked on the street in their vehicular disguises, the Autobots are clanking around Sam's yard, anxiously peering into every window and tripping over the scenery in the process. And when Sam's parents pester him as to what's going on, the Autobots go into hiding by ducking behind trees and crouching around corners.

The tsunami of absurdities quickly overwhelmed my suspension-of-disbelief levees; even ignoring the sheer stupidity of such a move (Hello? Robots in disguise, anyone?), the fact that no one in this Los Angeles neighborhood -- either inside or outside the house -- notices five thirty-foot-robots stomping around the place made me realize what I had dreaded from the onset: that the Transformers name was just an excuse for Michael Bay and his team of writers to do Yet Another Generic Summer Action Movie -- but Now With Extra Robotic Chrome! I predict that die-hard fans will spend years debating which faction got shafted worse by Bay -- the Autobots for being portrayed as clueless buffoons, or the Decepticons for their all-too brief screen time and nonexistent characterization. If I really put my inner fanboy to the task, I could toss out lots of other criticisms at the film and rant for another twenty pages (Pissing Bumblebee? Really? ).

Yet despite the negatives, my disappointment is tempered by the fact that there are assorted tributes to the original toys/comics/cartoons/franchise sprinkled throughout the film. Besides the obvious reuse of famous Transformers quotes ("One shall stand, one shall fall," "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," etc.), there are also the stylistic tributes, such as Hoover Dam being a substitute for Sherman Dam, or the (brief) live-action recreation of Kup vs. Blitzwing from the 1986 animated Transformers movie. And it is fun to see live-action transforming robot action on the big screen, and it was nice to have Peter Cullen voice Optimus Prime once again. For every negative, a positive; for every thrill, a wistful wish for What Might Have Been.

And again, as a summer action movie, Transformers works perfectly well -- though to be honest, the bar for a good summer action movie is so low that the genre is almost completely critic-proof. Who cares that we're never shown when or why the Decepticons have been hiding on Earth all this time? We've got a kick-ass battle sequence to gape at! Why does the Allspark -- the source of all Transformers life -- turn all machines into evil trigger-happy Decepticons? Because it looks kewl, that's why! How come all of the action sequences look like they were shot by a convulsing monkey loaded up with a triple latte? Because it makes everything look more extreme! Besides, it's not as if anyone can legitimately complain that the movie should strive to be Citizen Kane -- we're talking about a Michael Bay action movie based on a line of plastic toy robots, remember?

And really, in the end, I'm okay with that. Because despite the plot holes, and the silly dialog, and the excessive fight scenes, and the cheese meter set to eleven, in the end it really is a movie fit for the Transformers -- in all its 1984 toy-peddling plot-hole-loaded silly-dialog excessive-fighting cheesy fun.

If only the Transformers themselves didn't have to be the butt of so many jokes in the process...