John McCain: Self-caricature

LENO: Welcome back, Sen. McCain, for one million dollars, how many houses do you have? (Jay laughs, McCain squirms and chuckles)

MCCAIN: You know, could I just mention to you, Jay, and a moment of seriousness. I spent five and a half years in a prison cell, without -- I didn’t have a house, I didn’t have a kitchen table, I didn’t have a table, I didn’t have a chair. And I spent those five and a half years, because -- not because I wanted to get a house when I got out.

Q: Senator McCain, many Americans are concerned that, if you are elected President, you will continue the current Administration's policy of provoking wars without abandon. How do you respond to that?

A: My friends, let me tell you that I understand those concerns. When I got shot down in Vietnam and was imprisoned as a prisoner of war for five-and-a-half years -- not a day went by that I didn't think to myself, "how will my experience as a POW prevent me from starting needless wars thirty years later?" And being a POW was no trip to Club Med -- if you've never been a prison camp, as I was for five-and-a-half years, you don't know how dirty and humiliating they are, and only someone who survived the experience as I did can be qualified to become President of the United States.

Q: Senator McCain, if you are elected President, what steps will you undertake to stop the current housing market problem from snowballing into a deeper recession?

A: That is a very good question, and my best answer is one that comes from my harrowing experience as a POW. Trapped in that Vietnam cell, I was focused only on surviving every day with my humanity intact -- I didn't have the luxury of pondering adjustable-rate home loans or the dangers of reckless banking deregulation. My immediate concerns were on how to get through a day without clawing out my own eyeballs out of despair of being caged like an animal by the Viet Cong. But I persevered for five-and-a-half years through sheer force of will, and it's that same willpower that will guide me to a solution to whatever you asked about.

Q: Senator McCain, what do you want for lunch?

A: Let me tell you, when I was trapped in 'nam for five-and-a-half years as a POW, I never thought I'd be able to order lunch again. My meal choices were either rats, snails, or dirt -- you might be too young to understand, but being a POW is not like being stuck in a slow line at McDonalds. We didn't even have lunches in the prison camp, much less Big Macs...