Phone Machine Messages

Hello. Peter and Ester can't come to the phone right now because we are busy having hot, passionate, sex. If you leave your name and number at the tone, we'll be sure to get back to you after we are done ... If we have the energy. Thank you... *Beep*

The number you have reached, <your number>, has been changed. The new number is <your number>.

SAC Missle Control. Good day Mr. President. We are presently holding at T minus 2 minutes into the first strike countdown. To authorize resumption and launch, merely hang up without leaving a message. <pause> On the other hand, if you do not wish to destroy the world, or merely wanted to speak to <your name>, leave your message after the beep.

The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... *Beep*

<pause> I can't hear you. Could you speak a little louder? <pause> I'm sorry, I still can't hear you. I guess its because you're talking to my answering machine.

You have rrrreached the Krrrremlin. All ourrr agents arrr busy now. If you don't leave yourrrr name and your numberr, yourrrr phone will bloww upp...

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG-- er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Sherwood forest, which deer do you want?

Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?

Hello? Just a second while I turn the stereo off

Okay, sorry about that, hi there, who's this? Well hi! Uh huh ... Yeah ... Well, listen, you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.

Heaven, God speaking.

Bridge, Kirk here.

I'm sorry, he's not here now, but if you leave your name and phone number at the beep I'll be sure he gets your message.

Sam's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

Yankee Stadium, third base.

Your dime.

Joe's wrecking yard, what color is you car?

Dominos Pizza, may I help you?

Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. And that's the truth. *pffffth*

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It.

If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.

Hi. This is Bill. Don't hang up and leave a message, you son of a *Beep*

Hi. You know what to do.

I'm sorry but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
(Recorded directly from AT&T)

Leave a message.

Voice 1: I didn't expect an answering machine.

Voice 2: Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name and phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number and a message. Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, message, and time you called. Oh, darn! We'll have to start over. No -- no time for that, so just wait for the beep.

Hi! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the...Pope. Yeah that's it. *Beep*

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Jerk. Right now, all our jerks are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an jerk return your call as soon as possible.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

C'mon ... You can do it ... Just a little one. That's the way ... Just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon ... Good boy ... Here we go ... Like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, C'mon ... There you go! *Beep*

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.

Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange ... mother ... unicorn ... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone ... the telephone is next to an answering machine ... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine ... you hear a beep...

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1...

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll ... don't even think about it! ... Don't...!

I can't come to the phone now, so ... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time ... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings ... I might even play my beep for you...

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I can come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone now, recording this message, but I'm doing this now, while you're listening to it later, except for you I guess it's now, like, when you're listening to it ... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing ... 1 ... 2 ... 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this --Yow!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not ... er ... bear a ... er ... shalt not witness thy ... uh ... neighbor's butt, oh, I mean, false ... er ... shalt not commit a bear ... darn...

Hello. <person's name>'s not home now -- this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and <person's name> will get back to you as soon as possible.

Hello? *Beep*

Hello, I'm not here. *Beep*

(A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know.")

Speak, worm! *Beep*

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hi, this is <person's name>. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. *Beep*

Hi, we're not in cause we're out looting! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

Hello, Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can not come to the phone right now -- he's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

Hello, this is the computer music research institute of Portland, Oregon. We can not take your call at the moment but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5,000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is yours... *Beep*

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Dick is out. Jane is out. Spot is out. This is their answering machine. I am in. The beep is in. At the sound of the beep leave your name. At the sound of the beep leave your message. *Beep*

Harvey Hathaway, hit man. I hit who you hate. Prices range from $10,000 to $50,000.

Hello, you're on the air. May I assit you?

Death here. Hold on, I'll be right with you!

Hello. This is Walter Masters. I am undoubtedly one of most interesting people you are going to run across in your meager life. Why are you calling me?

Run! Run! The little blue men are coming! Run! Aarrgghh!

Hang up! Right now! Just hang up!

You pervert! Call me again and I'll rip out your small intestines and tie it around you scrawny little neck, you geek!

Joe's Abortion Clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

Hello, just in case you were wondering, the check's in the mail. If you weren't, then tell my wonderful answering machine just what was on your mind.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future...

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious...

(In an Australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Uh... Hello?

Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll...uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh...by the way, where did you say you live?

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! <person's name> can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera...

My favorite message that I ever had was the real message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. Army's snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message).

I'm home right now ... I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi, you have reached <person's name>. Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call.

This is David. Talk.

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...

Hello?

Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you.

Woman: (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to...
You: (interupting) Oh, c'mon, Linda, give me the damn phone. (Then ask for a message)

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? *Beep*

A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...

Good morning, Jim. Your contact, <person's name>, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Okay, One more time...

This is our answering machine...

This is the message on our answering machine...

...Any questions?

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So...leave your name and number and tell us where you saw Elvis!

We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to you, pending credit approval.

You have reached the <city, state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

(Imitating Ensign Chekov)
Oh, sair ... it was Khan! He made us say things ... do things ... he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can! *Beep*

(Imitating Mr. Rogers)
Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure ... I knew you could. *Beep*

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if--
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?

*** BONK! ***

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

This is <person's name>. We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. Put your sister DOWN!

Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

Finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

Voice 1: Room 17, the final frontier.
Voice 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two-semester mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number.
Voice 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hi, this is <person's name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking.

Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?

Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting

Vancouver coastguard, may I help you.

This is Jeff. You're not in now so I'll leave a message.

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because-- Hey, George! Don't stand on that-- ...goddamn ... because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over-- (loud music cuts in) Barbara! Hey! Don't fuck with that! ...over for dinner. After the tone... Barbara, call your dog -- Millie! Down, girl! ...shit...Leave a message after the tone... Hey, f*ckhead... *Beep*

Hi! You have reached <phone number>. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one:

Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye!

(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. A husky, soft female voice speaks:)

Hi ... You've just reached <person's name> Pleasure Palace. We're all busy, as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done ... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. *Beep*

(You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...)

Hello. You have reached <phone number>. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message. etc.

(Spoken in a granny voice and with a drawl)
Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.

But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...

Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call absolutely free!

This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday.

(No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.)

(In an Italian mafia-style tone)
Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little-- Hey, Guido! Get the chainsaw!

Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (A little laughter.)

(To the tune of Heartbreak Hotel with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)

You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Leave a message... leave a message... leave a message...

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hi, can I speak to Mark? ... Oh, there isn't? ... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

The number you have reached, <phone number>, has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

Hans: This is Hans.
Franz: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
Both: Pump -- *clap* -- you up.
Hans: But we are not at home, you know.
Franz: Ya, we are gone.
Hans: If you want us to...
Both: Pump -- *clap* -- you up.
Hans: You will leave a message after the beep.
Franz: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
Hans: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
Franz: So leave a message and we will call to..
Both: Pump -- *clap* -- you up.

Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.

You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important.

City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!

If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.

This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:

(Start, low pitch, slow)
Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....

(Middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...

(Later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...

(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) ..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleq *Beep*!

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die. *Beep*

I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

Voice 1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
Voice 2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
Voice 1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
Voice 2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
Voice 1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
Voice 2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

(Ominous electronic background music.)
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? Sint mihi dei acherontis propitii...

(French monologue in the background)
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say non.

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone.

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an I love Jim Shea T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

(Click) You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. *Beep*

Hi, this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try calling him there or leave a message after the beep.

(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the Existential Hotline of <name>. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.

(Background noise.)

Okay, what would you like me to tell me?

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

(After a power outage)
Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... *Cachunk!*

You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er ... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, We aren't in, leave a message. That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

Hi, dudes, this is <phone number>, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neil, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, you've reached <phone number>, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

This is <phone number>, and no, it's not Bozo's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Thank you for calling <phone number>. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Classical music) This is our answering machine.
(Switch to heavy metal racket) This is our answering machine on drugs.
(Silence) Any message?

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

(Very fast)

Hi, this is <phone number>. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and *Beep*.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... presto!

(Sound of vicious dog barking, which is stopped abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must've been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to reallyleave your message.

Ahhhhhhhhh ... ahhhhhhhhhh... (heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call)

Oh, nuts, you called me! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on.

Mike? Nancy?

Nope, they're not here, so leave a message at the beep.

You have reached <phone number>. Why?

If you're looking for me, I just left.

Help! We're being robbed! I -- arrrggghhh!   *Click!*

So! You've found me! Well you won't stop me! Tomorrow I unleash Microbe X!

Hi, I'd come to the phone, but I'm under attack!

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, I'd get the phone, but I'm busy with this fabulous babe. No wait, I'm busy with two fabulous, heck, four fabulous, no, it's hundreds, oh my god, it's thousands of fabulous babes and they're eating my brain!

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Krazy's. Life sucks.

Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a bloody rampage! When I get home, and clean off the blood, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't already come over, that is! (Maniacial laughter.)