You May Be a Microsoft Employee If...

...you worship Bill Gates.
...you've owned Microsoft stock since it was first issued in 1986.
...when a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh, well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts.
...you think the Support Group for People Used by Microsoft is a load of cow dung (or something worse).
...you use the phrase "Open Standards!" when anybody else would say "Shit!".
...the Windows startup screen makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
...you frequently post to alt.fan.bill.gates.
...you frequently send flames to people who have posted on alt.os.windows95.crash.crash.crash, alt.destroy.microsoft, and alt.is.bill.gates.satan.
...you fully understand why Windows 95's Shutdown Option has to be accessed from the Start Menu.
...you think AOL/Netscape's goal is world domination.
...you beta-tested Windows 95.
...you beta-tested the Microsoft Network.
...you believe Internet Explorer's security flaws were slipped in by a crack team of Netscape programmers.
...you paid for your version of Windows 98 Second Edition.
...you've memorized all of the many Windows error messages since version 3.0.
...you named your two dogs "Bill" and "Windows".
...you replaced your trash can with a Recycle Bin.
...you have a paid subscription to Microsoft Magazine and Slate.
...you purchased Microsoft Bob... and continue to use it.
...you keep valuable papers near your fireplace. Therefore, you are comfortable with Windows 95's "may-delete-it-at-anytime" philosophy.
...you're the Bob that Microsoft Bob was named after.
...you made the decision to change Gates 95 to Windows 95.
...the "flying Windows" screensaver was your idea.
...you asked an exterminator if they could take care of Windows 95 bugs.
...instead of "I'd rather be fishing," your bumper sticker says, "I'd rather be writing buggy Microsoft code".
...you know the technical difference between OLE 1.0 and OLE 2.0.
...when someone asks you if you want any java, you immediately scream "Ahhh!!" and resolve to ask your boss about your "job security.".
...you frequently ask people, "Where do you want to go today?"™.
...you've ever completed your income taxes while waiting for Windows 95 to boot, and didn't think anything of it.
...your computer crashed while reading this page and you were happy about it.
...you wish the sun would set on Sun Microsystems.
...you run Solitaire more than any other program, and therefore you consider your computer a Dedicated Solitaire Engine (DSE).
...you use the cheat codes to the Solitaire program frequently.
...every night you dream of torturing Linus Torvalds.
...you own a Cray supercomputer and run Windows NT on it.
...every morning you say, "I pledge allegiance to the logo of the United Corporation of Microsoft. And to the stock options for which it stands, one company, under Bill, with headaches and buggy software for all.".
...your favorite pick-up line is, "Hey baby... do you want to see a little ActiveX?".
...when you see a web page with "Enhanced for Internet Explorer" on it, you smile.
...every time you see a web page with "Best viewed with Netscape" on it, you feel like killing the author and filing lawsuits against all of his relatives.
...you saw one of those "Best Viewed with Any Browser" graphics and said, "What the hell is this? It must be the product of some crazed Unix hacker".
...you believe all of the myths on the Linux Myths Dispeller page.
...you registered the teamgates.com domain name.
...you've installed software on your home computer that prevents your children from accessing anti-Microsoft sites on the Internet (however, you're okay with pornography).
...you feel that all Anti-Microsoft websites should be censored because they are on the Internet, something Bill "invented."
...you've set a goal to invent at least one new buzzword or acronym per day.
...you've ever been nervous because you haven't registered your Microsoft software yet.
...your blood pressure climbs everytime you hear about Open Source Software.
...you cussed out your child's computer teacher after she decided to install Macintoshes in the school's computer lab.
...when you write something, you insert a trademark symbol™ after every™ other word™.
...you maintain a webpage full of Microsoft-specific HTML extensions -- and when you run it through a HTML validator, you get about ten million errors.
...your child's first word was "Microsoft".
...you own a customized version of the Bible in which all references to "God" have been changed to "Bill Gates".
...you're on a first name basis with several members of the Justice Department.
...you've trained your parrot to say "Unix sucks!" and "All hail Chairman Bill!".
...you own a limited edition Monopoly game in which Boardwalk is Microsoft and Jail is replaced by Justice Department Investigation.
...you moved to a larger city so you could receive a MSNBC channel.
...you've ever read an entire Microsoft program manual in one sitting.
...you've ever said, "What's good for Microsoft is good for the country!"
Using undocumented Microsoft "methods", you manage to single-handedly destroy the annoying International Anti-Microsoft Network.
(Historical note: AMSN was mysteriously destroyed from the www.webring.org server in May of 1997. Hmmm...).
...you believe the tray on your CD-ROM drive is actually a cup holder.
...you've spent countless hours tracking down the source of the "Microsoft Acquires Vatican Church" rumor.
...you consider Ralph Nader, Janet Reno, Joel Klein, and Orrin Hatch to be your "mortal enemies".
...you think GW-BASIC (or QBasic, QuickBasic, Visual Basic, etc.) is better than C/C++.
...you are very similar to the boss character in the Dilbert cartoons.
...you believe that "GUI", "multitasking" and "32 bit" mean the same thing..
...you believe the Unix kernel is just a stolen and patched version of Windows NT.
...your house is decorated like the "Hot Dog Stand" color scheme from Windows.
...you send "denial of service attacks" (ping storms) to anti-Microsoft websites like www.enemy.org, www.ihatebillgates.com, and www.microsoft-sucks.com.
...you refer to your boss as Godfather Gates.
...you maintain a "Support Group for People Used by the DOJ" website.
...you pass around a petition to rename Redmond to "Bill Gates City".
...you wrote a letter to the Webster's Dictionary publishers asking them to eliminate the entries for "bug", "monopoly", and "crash". You also mention that "word", "windows", "explorer","excel", "access", etc. are all trademarks of Microsoft and should be designated as such in the dictionary..
...you find a way to insert the word "innovation" in every sentence you say.
...you claim X is just Windows 2.0 ported to Unix, never mind that it has its own network protocol and starts in under a second.
...you think that paying for upgrades is worth the investment.
...you own one or more items of clothing displaying large Microsoft logos and/or slogans, and wear them proudly in public.
...you think the bugs in your code should be called "Security Features".
...you believe Windows NT STOP errors (the "Blue Screen of Death") are intuitive, user-friendly, and helpful for troubleshooting problems. After all, they were the product of countless user-interface studies for a "next generation"operating system.
...you use Internet Exploder and actually like it.
...you own an Archimedes A3000 and torture it by feeding it Windows system files... and gleefully watch it crash.
...you use a Commodore Pet to test your REALLY dodgy machine code -- it is crash-proof!
...you've ever tried to rewire a computer sound card so it makes an air raid noise every time you try to load up Netscape.
...your monitor goes out of focus, which inspires you to make a "Blurred" screensaver.
...you try to rewire a floppy disk drive so it stores 25 MB, therefore enabling you to boot Windows from it.
If you've ever said, "But who'd want to uninstall Internet Explorer?"
If your blood pressure rises when you hear the old "Win95 = Mac85" joke
...you are also obsessive-compulsive and actually enjoy repeated rebooting
...you've ever asked "So you mean FreeBSD is free?"
...you follow Microsoft's technology waffling without flinching.
...all the programs you write have the word "active" in them.
...you can talk like Carl Sagan on acid. "Billions and billions and billions of lines of code in Windows NT..."
...you see nothing wrong with calling a bug fix an "enhanced functionality upgrade".
As a freshman, you walked into your college's networking machine room and said, "You know, this network would be so much more secure and stable if all these servers were running NT instead of Linux."
...you cannot understand why people think penguins are adorable.
...you actually know if Microsoft calls it O-L-E Controls, Oh-lay Control, ActiveX, or COM this week.
...you didn't laugh when Gates got that pie in the face because it was cruel, and such an aweful waste of perfectly good pie.
...you use anything to do with Microsoft as a homepage.
...you think Hungarian Notation is cool.
...you never let your hand off the mouse while using Windows.
...you think that Microsoft actually created most of its products, as opposed to stealing purchasing them from other companies.
...you've never compiled a C program before (Visual C++ doesn't count).
...you think Visual Basic is a well-designed programming language.
...you think Windows98 is totally Y2K safe.
...you think the problem with Unix is that it doesn't have API calls.
...you think that Microsoft created the GUI.
...you think the Windows 95 telnet client is neat.
...you use toilet paper that has each sheet embossed with any of these words: Netscape, Sun Microsystems, Java, OS/2, Linux, Apple, or any other alternative operating system name.
...you want Microsoft to become a computer manufacturer.
...you think that Back Orifice is a nice program from Bill and install it on your computer and give your IP address to anybody.
...your male children are named, Bill I, Bill II, Bill III, etc... (Submitted by Kara Ann Murray).
...you belive that if you run disk cleanup enough times, your computer will be completely bug-free.
...you think that a person's sexual prowess is directly proportional to the amount of memory their code needs.
...you think Windows is superior over the Macintosh and all other operating systems, although you have never seen a machine that doesn't run Windows.
...when you leave your house to go out and you close your bedroom window, you sing "Ta Da!" or hum the Microsoft Sound.
...you often say that Microsoft IIS is more secure than Apache because "Anyone can look at the Apache source code and find bugs to exploit. Microsoft IIS is proprietary so it's better for your mission-critical operations." And you actually believe it.
...you are running out of code to steal from your neighbor's Apple IIgs.
...you still believe that 640k is more than you'll ever need.
...you go to the zoo armed with a rifle and head to the penguin enclosure.
...you spend more time re-installing your Windows software than you do actually using your computer.
...you think the reports about Windows 95 list of known bugs is a conspiriacy.
...you like to sit in front of a monitor showing the "Flying Windows" screen-saver and watch it.
...you believe that all Microsoft programs are easy to use, and that all have "clean, consistant" interfaces.
...you are ready to fight for the idea that daily operating system crashes are absolutely normal.
...you think that Bill Gates is a programmer.
...you set the clock of your PC one year back so that the release of Windoze 2000 would still happen in the year 2000.
...you don't mind re-installing your software twice a month.
...you wear a different Microsoft T-shirt every day.
...your software patches cost $90.
...you cash in your stock options, and speed off in your Z3 while RMS and ESR slug away at each other.
...you think the Justise Department is banning Windows because it's just too good.
...you curse when you hear the term, "bloat".
...you don't see any parallels between Orwellian control concepts and Microsoft marketing.
...you think the "Windows" key is useful in daily computer tasks.
...you don't question the MSN bill you receive thirty days after the first time you turned on your computer.
...you argue that crashes and reboots are actually good for your computer.
...you paid for the domain name ihate.netscape.linux.and.macs.com.
...you won't watch BBC programs because someone uses a "Mac" every time it rains.
...you were fired for visiting the Linux pavillion at Comdex.
...GNU is your idea of Hell.
...you try to log on to a Linux box using CTRL+ALT+DELETE.
...you believe the chain letter that says that Microsoft merged with Disney and Bill Gates is really going to give away a free trip to Disney World.
...you suggest that Microsoft start making cars.
...you went on strike when they tried to make you write Internet Explorer for the Mac.
...you believe that the Y2K bug was created by angry Linux users.
...you say, "I am one of the best VB programmers. I think that Windows NonsTop is the best platform for developers."
...you believe that Bill's statement "Microsoft is not in the business of fixing bugs" is actually a good policy.
...you paid $6,000 to become an MCSE, but don't know what telnet/ftp/nslookup/ping/traceroute is or does.
...you train to become an MCSE because you think it will make people respect you.
...you paid $89 to upgrade Windows 98 to "2nd Edition," which contains no other additions apart from Internet Explorer 5.
...you think that someone should bomb Netscape because of it going open source.
...you fully believe every word that is written in the Microsoft magazine.
...you believe Visual Studio is the one and only best developing tool in the world.
...you fully believe the hype written in every Microsoft product user guide that the newest product will "increase your productivity" and that it is "more stable".
...you believe the most effective way to solve a bug is to reboot the computer.
...you don't know the definition of the term "user friendly."
...you don't know why your friends suddenly begin to act sarcastic and disrespectful whenever you describe the joys and benefits of Microsoft operating systems and applications.
...you are infected with a rare form of Microdyslexia that causes you to hear "Global Domination" as "Nation of Bob".
...you look forward to cold-booting your NT workstation each morning so that it will run well.
...you think shop.microsoft.com has good deals.
...you keep repeating the phrase "Microsoft was built on the vision of a computer on every desk in every home, we have never wavered from that vision..."
...you automatically associate Unix with Xenix.
...you would pay $5,000.00 to visit Bill Gates at his home.
...you'd like to shoot all of the WINE developers for "stealing" all your nice (buggy) code.
...you thank God that Office 2000 crashes only ten times a day on average.
...you call all of the many bugs in your code "features", including the ones that stop your program from even starting. You send such code to Bill, who congratulates you on making code that is less buggy than Windows 95.
...you can't understand how Mac users survive with only one button on their mouse.
...you have framed those 5.25" floppies that Windows 1.0 came on.
...you believe quality is proportional to code length.
NT actually means "New Technology" to you.
...you're still looking for the "any" key.
...you think that a talking paperclip is a good example of how much we are evolved from the times of the first computers.
...you've filed for a restraining order against the BSD daemon, which was denied.
...you think that Microsoft Windows is no more expensive than Linux because Windows comes with the computer.
...you've ever said, "but rebooting it is half the fun."
...you've ever said, "Come on, the fun is in not knowing when it'll crash next!"
...you like the fact that Microsoft FrontPage makes your web site incompatible with other browsers.
...you can call him, "Good ole honest Bill!", and not feel that you've lied.
...you encouraged a company lawsuit against Google for returning the Microsoft homepage as the first link when searching for "more evil than Satan himself".
...you think the blue screen of death would make a good screen saver.
...you think of purposely making bugs as opportunities to charge people for bug fixes down the road.
...you receive a bunch of complaints about MSN billing problems and ignore them.
...you're planning to bomb Washington, D.C. because the Justice Department declared Microsoft a monopoly.
...you think Apple and Xerox stole the idea of a graphical user interface from Microsoft.
...you honestly believe that Windows is an easier operating system to use than the Macintosh.
...you think Windows really is an operating system, and is not just a huge plugin for MS-DOS.
...you feel more secure knowing that Microsoft can trace any file created on your machine back to you.
...you belive STDIN, STDOUT, and STDERR are out-dated fads.
...you have no clue what STDIN, STDOUT, and STDERR are.
...you believe the term "innovation" means "reverse engineering".
...you're disappointed that Windows 2000 will not have any Easter Eggs.
...you think monopolies are good for the economy.
...you believe including Internet Explorer into Windows gives consumers more choices.
...you think copying someone else's work is "innovation."
...you haven't laughed at any of the above.
...you still haven't laughed.

You May Be a Microsoft Employee If...

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