A War Story

Copyright 1994, Robert A. Jung
Originally published September 9, 1994

All characters depicted or mentioned in this story are the trademarks and/or copyrights of their respective holders, except for those that aren't. Any resemblance to actual people, alive or deceased, is coincidental, etc., etc. Geez, it's just a story, guys. Don't get too uptight over it...

Ironhide looked up from the conference table and shook his head. Even for an Autobot, staring at anything too long was damaging to the optics and tiring to the mind. And by any measure, six hours was too long.

Gathering his strength, he slowly drawled, "Ah don't like it. Cuttin' down on the defenses makes it easier for the Decepticrumbs to cut through our lines."

Kup frowned. They'd been spending the last twenty minutes on this same topic, and Ironhide was still unyielding. "I don't like it either, but we need a balance. Big guns mean a slower transformation time. They won't do Autobot City any good if the invaders get through before it changes to fortress mode."

Ironhide sighed and Kup continued, "Look, if we stick plasma cannons along the center of the walls," -- he pointed to the blueprints -- "we've got the entire perimeter covered. Even if there's a full-blown invasion, Autobot City can button up and hold out for seven or eight hours before reinforcements arrive."

"More would be better," Ironhide grudgingly admitted.

"I know that, but you know we're pressed for space already. Where else can we stick the cannons without making them go through all sorts of contortions? And they're not the only guns we'll have."

Ironhide pondered in dejected silence, then said, "You're right. Ah jes don't want ta give another inch! We've got to start takin' back, not givin' up!"

"I know," Kup said soothingly. Though the Autobots had finally managed to evict the Decepticons from Earth, they had retaliated by quickly taking over most of Cybertron. Autobot holdings on that planet were now limited to the two moons and a handful of territories, and the hopes of gaining ground seemed dim. Though the united Earth government was working actively with the Autobots in their war, the depression proved overwhelming at times.

Kup stretched, his joints squeaking minutely from hours locked stiff. "Let's take a break," he suggested. "We could both use it."

"Ah guess so," Ironhide agreed, and flopped into a nearby chair. Kup went over to the dispenser in the corner and returned soon after with two cups of Cool Lube. He handed one to Ironhide, then took the seat next to him. They sat in silence, each lost in quiet introspection.

"Hey, look at the geezers!"

The two turned towards the doorway, where Slingshot poked his head through, a mocking grin on his face. He stepped into the room with Hot Rod and Air Raid behind him. "Whatsamatter, pops? Schematics too much for you?"

"Aw, hush!" Ironhide retorted. "We've been workin'. What about you?"

"Oh, we were showing Hot Rod around," said Air Raid. "Letting him see what's left to be done with Autobot City."

"Then we went out and cruised a bit," Slingshot added. "Running around, living the good life, partying hard. Not cooped up in the Ark like old people."

"Show some respect, lad," Kup admonished. "You'll be 'old' before you know it, if you've got the brains to match your mouth." Air Raid and Hot Rod snickered. Slingshot turned and gave them an ugly glare as Kup added, "Besides, youth isn't everything. Experience can save your chassis more often than not."

"Yeah, sure," Slingshot dismissed. "I've heard that line before. Old people like it a lot."

"Shut up, ya punk," said Ironhide. "Ah remember when ah was jes like you, thinkin' I could take on the galaxy by mahself with nothin' but mah gun."

Slingshot teased, "Then what happened? You got old?" He crossed his arms in defiance. Hot Rod fidgeted slightly behind his back, uncomfortable with the turn the conversation was taking.

"No, ah learned about experience. It was on mah first mission, and Kup was there, too."

From outside the room came another voice. "Kup and Ironhide? Grimlock not know this story!" A moment later, the Dinobot leader bounded in. He was in dinosaur mode, with a young Daniel Witwicky perched on his metal muzzle. "Tell story of Kup and Ironhide!"

Swoop and Snarl followed a second later, with Spike Witwicky on their heels. "New story! New story!" Swoop cheered.

"All right, settle down, and ah'll tell ya about it." Ironhide waved to the Dinobots, who sat eagerly at his feet. Grimlock laid on the floor, resting on his belly. Knowing the Dinos' enthusiasm for a good story, a slightly nervous Spike helped his smiling son to the ground. Hot Rod dragged over chairs for himself and Air Raid, who took their places in front of the apparently-bored- but-curious-enough-to-listen Slingshot.

Ironhide leaned back and smiled slightly. "Now, you have ta understand, this happened a long time ago. Back when the war jes started, long before the Ark crashed on Earth, even before Optimus Prime was leader of the Autobots."

"That really long!" Snarl exclaimed. Grimlock added, "Prime been leader forever!"

Ironhide shushed the Dinobots into silence, then started. "As ah remember..."

The planet was called Sigma Omnicron IV, because it was the fourth planet out from the star Sigma Omnicron. Not a very romantic name, to be sure, but those who named it were going after function, not form. From low orbit, the planet was a sphere of blue and orange and green, laced at irregular intervals with the pale white of cloud cover.

On the largest continent was a massive mountain range, running diagonally across the surface in a gigantic brown scar. At the base of one of the mountains rested the innocuous gray speck of an interstellar cruiser, its wedge-shaped form clashing harshly with the soft green and yellow of the forest around it. Standing around the cruiser, in various states of restlessness, were two slender humanoid robots.

In a nearby depression, shielded by a thicket of plants, two others watched them through powered binoculars. "Bludgeon ... and Ruckus," Kup announced in a slow whisper. "You see any others?"

"Nope," Ironhide concurred. "They don't look so tough. A pair of runts, actually. Ah can take 'em easy!"

"Maybe, but we're here to watch, not fight. Cool your engine, boy."

"Aw, you're jes scared!"

"I'm also in charge!" Kup hissed sharply, then whispered, "Now shut up before they hear us, and break out the mike."

Ironhide grumbled but did as he was told, putting aside his binoculars and pointing the microphone towards the Decepticons. While he checked the settings, he wondered why Sentinel Prime had insisted on pairing veterans with new Autobots "until they get some field experience." As far as he was concerned, the situation was obvious -- one grenade, and there'd be two fewer Decepticons to worry about. But no, Kup the coward was in charge, so...

With one final switch, the two Decepticons were suddenly audible. Ruckus was doing most of the talking, chattering inanely while his olive-green self casually strolled about the cruiser. "...a whole new world! But this green's got to go, it doesn't match my colors at all! Don't you think so?"

Unmoving, Bludgeon curtly snapped, "Shut up, fool."

Ruckus changed course and meandered toward Bludgeon's green and brown form. "Aw, what's the matter? Moisture getting into your chassis?"

"Your prattling is the problem. What kind of a warrior are you? Frolicking like an overcharged Autobot instead of performing your duty."

The Decepticon communicator grinned and danced away, singing, "You're jealous because I'm having fun, and you're not!"

Bludgeon took one step forward, then stopped. "...Feh. You're not worth the effort," he spat. A moment later, he turned and pointed skywards. "Ratbat returns."

With the faintest of whispers, Ratbat neatly glided down and landed on Ruckus's outstretched arm. Bludgeon curtly said, "Report."

The Decepticon's excitement was plainly evident, as his wings flapped eagerly and he yelled to the others. "Amazing! This planet is teeming with more energy than even I had dreamed of! The natural resources alone could power Cybertron for almost a century! And the plant life is unbelievably efficient! Even with standard processing, we should be able to get more than ninety percent of their energy out of them!"

Bludgeon remained doubtful. "What about the costs of running a space bridge to Cybertron?"

Ratbat squawked in laughter. "There's so much energy here, we could run the bridge nonstop and not even notice the loss!"

"Excellent..." Bludgeon hissed, as a smile slowly grew on his face. "With that much Energon at our disposal, the Decepticons' victory is assured."

"The Autobots are gonna be dead, dead, dead!" Ruckus cheered.

Back in the foliage, Ironhide turned to Kup, anxious and worried. "Does that mean what ah think it means?"

Kup nodded. "This isn't good."

"Right!" Ironhide shouted, slamming his fist into his open palm. "It's time ta kick some Decepticon butt!" He pulled a grenade from a hip compartment, only to have Kup grab his arm.

"What are you doing, boy? You want us to get killed?"

"Let go of me! Once Megatron gets word of this, they're going ta be unstoppable! We've got ta stop them now!" Ironhide yanked his arm free, then pressed the trigger on the grenade and lobbed it towards the enemy.

With uncanny speed, Bludgeon reflexively leaped to his right and rolled just before an explosion erupted from where he had stood. An instant later he crouched to a stop, transformed to his tank mode, and fired two shells towards Kup and Ironhide. "Autobots!"

Kup fell backwards and Ironhide leaped aside, barely missing the twin bursts. As Ironhide ran for cover behind a rock, Kup shouted to him, "You wanted a fight, boy, now you've got it!"

Ironhide said nothing, but began grimly firing on the Decepticons instead.

Ratbat took to the air immediately. Ruckus tapped his belt buckle and his chest compartment opened, ejecting a silvery cassette that unfolded into a tyrannosaurus. The monster plodded forward, sweeping the area with twin missile launchers that quickly razed the landscape in a shattering crescendo of thunder. Ruckus jumped in excitement as he cheered, "Attaboy, Overkill!"

Ironhide ducked for cover as dirt and debris rained all around him. He popped up again and fired a few more shots, indiscriminately blasting at everything in sight that looked vaguely threatening. But the smoke and haze obscured his vision, and his shots fell wide. For his efforts, three more shells burst nearby as the Decepticons closed in on his position.

Bludgeon transformed back into his nimble robot form as a purple robot ran out of the cruiser. Without skipping a beat, Bludgeon began shouting orders. "Quake, cover fire on the Autobots! Overkill, Ratbat, attack!" As Quake doubled over into his tank form, Bludgeon charged forward. With katana raised, he quickly leapt over fallen trees and made a beeline towards the Autobots. An instant later, Quake's plasma cannon shattered the landscape with hideous orange fireballs that made Overkill's earlier efforts seem trivial by comparison.

Ironhide turned and ran as the Decepticons' attacks got uncomfortably close -- even he knew better than to stand against an onslaught like that. He dashed to Kup's side and blurted, "What do we do now?!"

Kup fired overhead at Ratbat with a near miss that sent him fluttering away for a moment, then shouted, "Run!" He tried to fire again, but aborted the attempt as a pair of missiles from Overkill forced him back. "This way!", Kup yelled, then turned and ran.

Ironhide staggered as he followed, torn between fighting the Decepticons, watching for incoming attacks, keeping Kup in sight, and trying to remember where the Autobots' ship was parked.

As he cleared the forest, a burst of plasma at his side sent him tumbling to the ground. Staggering to his feet, Ironhide barely had time to see Bludgeon, leaping towards him with his blade high overhead. On reflexes alone Ironhide kicked himself backwards, only to fall into a deep gully behind him...

Ironhide leaned back in his seat and sipped his drink slowly. Every eye and optic in the room was on him now, every ear and microphone straining to hear his next words.

Grimlock finally broke the silence with a gruff, "What next?"

"Well, obviously he survived," Air Raid said, "though I wonder how."

"Yeah," Slingshot conceded. "Man, who would've expected all that grief from two scrawny Decepticons?"

"No care for comments, want rest of story!" Grimlock shouted. Swoop and Snarl quickly added their voices to the chorus, with cries of, "Yeah!" "Tell more, tell more!" "Finish story!"

Ironhide smiled awkwardly. "Well ... ta be honest with you, ah don't really remember. Ah got knocked out when ah fell in the ditch, and didn't see what happened next." He turned to Kup, then added, "Kup did, though, so ah think he should finish it."

All heads turned towards Kup, who choked in surprise. Brushing away a small spill on his chest, Kup regained his composure and muttered, "Who, me? Ah, okay, let's see, that was after Ironhide fell in..."

Kup turned back after the last plasma burst just in time to see Ironhide fall into the river gully. He skidded and turned around, snap-shooting at Bludgeon as he ran towards the Decepticons. Leaping over a burst of laser fire, Kup stumbled to a stop as a plasma bolt sizzled closely overhead.

The Decepticons had cleared the remnants of the forest's tree line when the ground began to shift. From the river banks rose eight pillars of orange-red mud, glistening in the sharp sunlight. Each coalesced a second later into vaguely humanoid forms: legs ending in thick stumps, massive arms that tapered off into sweeping horns, and a neckless head that bore two vacant eyes and an angered scowl of a mouth. Two turned to face Bludgeon even as the other six slowly advanced to the Decepticons, leaving wet sucking sounds in their wake.

"What are they?" Quake yelled, momentarily paralyzed by confusion.

"Dead!" Bludgeon replied, slashing his opponents with a broad stroke of his sword. It passed effortlessly through the two mud-men, but they advanced without reacting to the attack.

Overkill snarled and fired a pair of rockets that flew through one, then charged to bite a second. His jaws clamped around the being's torso, again to no effect. In response, the mud-man's clawed arm swung forward, smashing the Decepticon with a blow that made the air ring.

"None stands against me!" Bludgeon yelled. He leapt and spun, kicking one mud-man in the face, only to be stopped cold as his leg was suddenly trapped by the creature's head. The other moved around and started battering the helpless Bludgeon as he hung upside-down.

Quake rolled back briefly as four of the mysterious beings advanced towards him. "Let's see if you can take the heat," he threatened with a confidence that he didn't entirely feel. He fired a point-blank burst from his plasma cannon, but the mud-men advanced undaunted out of the dust and smoke. Two of them grew hands and grabbed the Decepticon before he could move further, whereupon the other two began striking with their arms, leaving huge gashes along his armored form.

Lying on the ground, Overkill thrashed while firing and biting blindly, but was unable to either hurt his opponents nor avoid their blows. From overhead, Ratbat dove, strafing the enemy with his lasers. One snapped its arm skyward; a globule of mud splashed into Ratbat, downing him as accurately as a mortar shell.

From the rear, a very panicky Ruckus darted behind the trees, taking an occasional shot at the various melees. He missed more often than not, and when he did hit, the blast proved ineffective. "They're unstoppable!" he yelled, clearly panicked.

He fired again, only to fall an instant later as Onslaught flew into him as an improvised missile. As he climbed to his feet, Ruckus spotted the two mud-men advancing towards him, then shouted, "We've got to move it, or we're gonna lose it!"

Bludgeon fell to the ground as he finally managed to shake himself free. Though dazed and pounded, he retained enough composure to roll aside, away from his adversaries. While they slowly turned, he leaped out of the gully and ran towards the forest. "Back to the ship!"

Treads spinning wildly, Quake suddenly darted forward, splattering one mud-man and breaking free from the other two. Without stopping, he turned in a tight counterclockwise arc, then transformed to robot mode and ran to join the others. The mud-men followed, slowly shambling behind the Decepticons.

Among all of the chaos, Kup had managed to grab Ironhide and drag him out of the gully and away from the action. Ironhide had regained consciousness just in time to see the Decepticons get pounded, and Kup spent the time watching out for any fights that might get too close to their position. Now, with the Decepticons in retreat, he started to check Ironhide for signs of injury.

Ironhide twitched suddenly. Kup struggled to hold him still, but Ironhide kept struggling. "Stop that!" Kup yelled, "How can I check you out if--"

A dark shadow suddenly fell across the two. Slowly Kup looked around, only to see the scowling, emotionless faces of four of the mud-men. He didn't know if they were part of the group that attacked the Decepticons, or more that rose out of the ground. Not that it truly mattered; they were advancing in the same imposing manner and making the same wet sucking sounds as before.

Something began to buzz in Kup's mind, a fleeting thought from the past. As Ironhide struggled again, trying to lift his gun against the creatures, Kup suddenly remembered. He knocked the gun out of Ironhide's hand, then turned and began making bubbling noises of his own.

They stopped moving. There was silence for a moment, then one of them began to make more noises. Ironhide looked at Kup in astonishment. "You understand them?"

"A little. Their language is an old version of the stuff on Jalvanis III. I learned it while working with some rebels there. Now be quiet, this is the touchy part." Kup turned to the mud-men and burbled once again. In the distance, the Decepticon cruiser could be seen streaking back to the stars.

The mud-men raised their arms once, then gurgled. Without another word, they sank into the ground, and nothing remained of them except for a few brown stains on the grass.

As Kup went to retrieve the gun, Ironhide finally asked, "What was that all about? Who were those guys?"

"He calls himself the Protector -- it's a 'he', not a 'they.' Some kind of hive intelligence, I think. Anyway, he wants us off the planet pronto. We're trespassing." Kup handed the rifle to Ironhide, then guided him back towards the Autobot ship.

"But what about the energy?" Ironhide protested. "What's going ta stop the Decepticons from comin' back?"

Kup chuckled. "You've seen what the Protector can do -- I don't think we have anything to worry about."

Ironhide pondered, then nodded agreement. "Ah don't suppose that we can get the energy for the Autobots?"

"Forget it! We're on shaky ground as it is. Let's just get off the planet before we annoy our host and get him mad at us."

"...So we flew back to Cybertron and got Ironhide all patched up. The end." Kup swept his arms open, then leaned back in his chair.

"Good story! Good story!" Grimlock cheered, eagerly bobbing his head. The other Dinobots shouted their approval, and little Daniel applauded in mimicry.

From the back of the room, Slingshot smirked. "Well, now we know how old you two really are."

Hot Rod turned around, and said, "Oh, knock it off, Slingshot. I don't think you would have done any better."

"That's right," Ironhide chimed with a touch of smug satisfaction. "If you were in mah place, you'd probably done the same things ah did. And either the Decepticons or the Protector would have gotten ya for shootin' at them."

"Well..."

"Admit it, hotshot," Air Raid teased, "You're just like Ironhide here way back when. Heck, maybe you'll get stuck with an indoor job when you get old, too!" At that, everyone laughed while Slingshot glowered.

"All right, all right," Kup interrupted. "I hate to be a spoilsport, but Ironhide and I DO have work to do, and we can't finish it with everyone hanging around the conference room."

"Yeah," said Ironhide. "C'mon, everybody out!" He soon managed to get the room cleared with only a minimum of grumbling and general disappointment from the audience. Without a word, Ironhide locked the door, then joined Kup over by the table.

The two stared silently at the plans for a minute. Kup finally said, "That was brilliant."

"Thanks. Slingshot's a good kid, but he sure got on mah circuits real fast."

Kup snickered. "I loved the part about plants that gave ninety-percent efficiency. Did you see the way they gaped when you said that?"

Ironhide nodded. "Ah loved the mud-men, mahself. Ah was wonderin' how you were going ta get us out of that mess."

"Oh, I just used the natives on Ignus Sierra VI, though they sure aren't as smart or as powerful as 'the Protector.'" Kup finished the sentence with another snicker, then added, "Let's just hope none of them think about looking up the report for that mission."

Ironhide roared, "Ah don't think we keep records that old!"

Kup laughed as well, bracing against Ironhide for support, and finally choked out, "Well, good ... since all I wrote was that ... the Decepticons arrived, found nothing, and left."

"There was nothin' there ta find!"

With an effort, Kup got himself under control, and slowly asked, "Hey, do you remember how you were on that first mission?"

Ironhide shifted awkwardly, then finally sputtered, "Yeah ... Ah was a real pain in the caboose, wasn't ah? Ah kept knockin' you about yer age."

Kup grinned. "Oh, you weren't that bad. Heck, you turned out pretty good after all. And you aren't knocking experience any more, I see."

"Yeah, well ... somebody's got ta keep the kids in line. Might as well be us, huh?"

Kup nodded. "Yep. It's got to be us." There was a brief pause, then he turned towards the plans and said, "Okay, now I think we should look at the sensor net next..."