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Old Gas Pumps Can't Handle New Gas Prices :: Two Fathers :: Groups Protest Bar's Racist T-Shirts :: Feith Blames Public For Feeling Misled About Iraq :: Darth Vader Attacks Founder of Jedi Church :: McCain's 7 Steps to Beating Obama :: Bush to Discuss Oil Prices With Saudi King :: Democratic Country Keeps Its Distance from Obama :: Dead US Veterans Treated at Pet Crematorium :: Adulterous Drunk-Driving Congressman Shuns Gay Sister

Why It's Better Not Being CEO

Sun, 21 May 2006 17:57:28 -0400

By Scott McNealy, former CEO of Sun Microsystems

Why My Husband Can't Go Shopping With Me

Sun, 21 May 2006 17:04:58 -0400

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Our store is considering banning your family from shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 13:40:02 -0500

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11. This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual processors if I am to do battle with this code!

10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

Advice for Heroes

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 17:16:55 -0400

Those of you who read much speculative fiction are familiar with the plot device of having the hero do something consummately stupid, in order to prevent him from ending the book too quickly, which leads to much suffering and strife until the hero finally wises up. To counter this, and as an answer to Peter Anspach's Overlord List, I present the Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero:

How To Be A Cultist

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 17:16:48 -0400

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

Guidelines for Evil Overlords in Training

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 17:17:02 -0400

If I ever become an Evil Overlord,

Truly Useless and Unwanted Magical Items

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 14:22:43 -0400

This started out as something silly to do after fight practice when we were getting munchies at Mighty Taco. It sort-of blossomed from there.

Niven's Laws

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 13:49:38 -0400

By Larry Niven

Things You'd Like To Say At Work, But Can't

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 14:20:54 -0500

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Things She Will Never Say

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 12:48:32 -0400

"Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore."

Things That Will Never Happen On Star Trek

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 03:58:34 -0400

The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
The Enterprise is sent to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are perfectly all right.

50 Facts About Men

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 03:54:31 -0400

(From a Woman's Perspective)

You May Be a Microsoft Employee If...

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 00:54:08 -0400

...you worship Bill Gates.
...you've owned Microsoft stock since it was first issued in 1986.
...when a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh, well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts.

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 00:51:47 -0400

...you answer the door before people knock.
...Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
...you ski uphill.

Tips For a Northerner Moving South

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 12:38:26 -0400

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.