Funny Lists

By Scott McNealy, former CEO of Sun Microsystems

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Our store is considering banning your family from shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11. This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual processors if I am to do battle with this code!

10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

Those of you who read much speculative fiction are familiar with the plot device of having the hero do something consummately stupid, in order to prevent him from ending the book too quickly, which leads to much suffering and strife until the hero finally wises up. To counter this, and as an answer to Peter Anspach's Overlord List, I present the Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero:

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

If I ever become an Evil Overlord,

This started out as something silly to do after fight practice when we were getting munchies at Mighty Taco. It sort-of blossomed from there.

By Larry Niven

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

"Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore."

• The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
• The Enterprise is sent to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are perfectly all right.

(From a Woman's Perspective)

1. ...you worship Bill Gates.
2. ...you've owned Microsoft stock since it was first issued in 1986.
3. ...when a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh, well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts.

• ...you answer the door before people knock.
• ...Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• ...you ski uphill.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

1. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
3. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

• The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
• It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
• Three words: Student Loan Payments.

The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again.

Well, if you're going to name your channel #aol-sucks, I guess you expect this, but people pop in and ask this question all the damn time. Sometimes, we just lose it...