BotCon 2005 - Brian Kilby

"You know, I'll fuck ya." or "The party and the world are in my pants." or "Preppare for ass kicken!"

Unedited, uncensored photographs and sound bites are available at http://www.tfradio.com/botcon Sounds and images may not be reused without my consent unless you are #Wiigii!, then you have carte blanche. If you have to ask whether you are #Wiigii! or not, you're probably not.

This was my third Botcon/OTFCC and it was easily the best. This was the most fun I've had in years and I want to thank you all for making it happen. Mad props to #Wiigii!, I want to proclaim my undying love to you guys.

Let me cover a few things about the format. 1) I only went to the convention on Saturday. As a walk-in general admission pariah, I wasn't allowed in on Friday. There wasn't anything going on Sunday that I wanted to see, so I didn't go. 2) I may go into great detail on bits of minutia that you have no interest in. This is a report of what I did and what I found interesting. If you want to know about every single convention detail, go read someone else's report. Mine is too exciting for you.

Trip/Pre-Convention Stuff

M Sipher arrived at my house early Wednesday morning. He hit a deer on the way here. It totally smashed out his driver side head lamp and it cracked his fender and damaged his bumper skin. Amazingly the car wasn't so damaged that it delayed the trip. We were only held back a couple of hours. The car was very drivable. Sipher is such a great guy and he took it all in stride. He crashed at my house for a few hours before we headed out. We drove out that morning at around 10:00 a.m.

The trip itself wasn't so eventful. We talked Transformers, Master Collector and listened to a lot of CDs. Siph's taste in music is awesome and identifies him as an old school geek, which kicks ass. I'm almost jealous of his standing. He's a pillar of the fandom. As it is, I guess I'm one of those middle-aged fans. I joined at the height of Beast Wars. Not a nostalgia fan but not a hardcore fan either.

Siph used to intimidate me when I was a newbie. That feeling of intimidation passed back in the late 90's but this was by far the most contact I've had with him. It was awesome to deal with him on an equal basis. Siph rocks.

We got to the Embassy Hotel Thursday evening around 5:00 p.m. or so. It is at this point that I must refer to my notes because I don't remember a damn thing that happened Thursday.

Sipher sets up his Heroes of Cybertron collection

Siph and I ran into Trix and, I think, Billy when we got to the Hotel. It may've been someone other than Billy but my mind has been muddied. Phil was definitely the next person we encountered. I was trying to find Pic or Perc. I had met them both before but it had been two years and I couldn't guarantee that either would look like they did two years ago. I know I didn't. Luckily Perc walked right up to us as soon as we got into the Hotel. He walked me to the suite which was as McFly put it, why they call them sweets. The place was very nice. Two beds, two televisions and a couch that transformed (via its transformation cog, no doubt) into another bed. It was more comfortable than my bed at home. This was a very nice hotel, much better than the Hyatt in Chicago. It was cheaper to boot.

Immediately after, I headed to the lobby. #Wiigii! owns the lobby at any given convention. I don't remember who I met first. I think it was Dee. It was really awesome meeting her. She and I are both introverted and it was great dealing with someone else who isn't outgoing. (Hey, I'm not!) Also, I knew her fairly well from reading her Live Journal posts. I reacquainted myself with most of #Wiigii! I noticed that some people didn't approach me. I think it was because some of them didn't know who I was. I've lost seventy or eighty pounds since OTFCC 03 and I'm wearing a goatee, which I wasn't wearing before. Still, it didn't take long for them to figure it out.

I don't remember much. I remember calling Thy Rob, for some reason. Everyone in #Wiigii! is either a Matt or a Rob. Thy definitely is but he's a Matt. I felt really bad about that, especially considering that Thy is probably the first #Wiigii!er I ever met. It was he or Megatron33. Of course, I thought Sam (Shellspark) was Megs at OTFCC 03. So I can't always be perfect.

Being the master of multiple logins, I'm infamous for posting under numerous and anonymous accounts. Because of this, it was made aware to me that I am now Hooks. James Hooks doesn't exist as he is only one of my many online personalities. It all makes sense.

Also, it turns out that I'm Glen Hallit, who has since let himself go -- living on dog food and welfare since losing OTFCC to Master Collector. Okay, that one I can run with.

Later on in the evening Recharge showed up. I knew who he was on sight alone. He didn't know who I was. Advantage, Kilby. He went around shaking hands and hugging people. He looked at me a couple of times, unaware of who I was. I approached him and stuck out my hand. “Hello, Recharge. I'm Dave Edwards.” His eyes grew three sizes. This is pretty much the same reaction I got out of Hooper_X two years ago when I pulled the same prank. The same thing for Picard42 but I was Neale Davidson back in 01. I grinned and told him who I was. He took my hand pulled me toward him and gave me a hug. It was indescribably awesome meeting Recharge. I've known the guy for five or six years but I've never met him in person. He's awesome online but exponentially more awesome in person. I didn't think that was possible.

That evening was pretty uneventful otherwise. I saw my first MSTF. It was fun. There were some good jokes, especially the Fensler Film Joe PSA's. Good stuff. It was a blast seeing Auto-Bop MST'ed as well. I don't remember anything else that happened that night. I'm pretty sure we all sat in the lobby until 2:00 a.m. but I don't remember specifics. I slept well, though.

The next morning I got up and got ready for some Botcon action. I cleaned up and headed to the registration booth. Working in customer-driven field for the last few years, I was let down by the customer service from the septuagenarian-tail at the booth. I stood there and waited for nearly ten minutes before being approached by someone. At that point I was told to move to a different line. After waiting even longer in the other line, I was told that I could not come into the convention until Saturday. "No, I don't think you understand. I'm not here for the euthanasia expo, granny. I'm here for the gay robot convention." Oh well.

I was pissed. I didn't like it. I came to the convention planning on, you know, being at the convention. If Master Collector doesn't want my cash, don't take it. I would've gladly paid nine dollars to get in that day.

I went to the lobby and made sure to tell all the other general admission pariahs that they couldn't go to the convention that day either. This was not a popular or even remotely intelligent decision on the part of MC. We sat around the lobby, which is far cooler than it should be but, fuck, we're awesome. I'm certain that we went to grab something to eat at the food court in the mall. We must've hit that place up a dozen times, passing through Macy's each and every opportunity we had. I ate light through the whole show. I was worried that I'd gain weight because I didn't have the opportunity to exercise. The biggest thing I ate during the convention was YOUR MOM.

It came time to go play paintball. I was dressed for the occasion. I bought a pair of sleeping pants, replete with pissing flap for easy dick-access. I didn't really pack any clothing to paint ball with. I felt awkward walking around in sleeping pants but, really, when you're as fat as I am you stick out wearing what-the-fuck-ever. Charge asked if I wanted to drive. I hated to tell him no. He was tired as shit. So I didn't. I told him that I would. Bad idea. I drive a smaller car. A fast, smaller car. A fast smaller car in a sparsely-trafficed area. This was a behemoth Grand Caravan, in an urban environment. Did I mention that I've only had a driver's license since 2002?

The drive was interesting. I drove fast. I averaged 60-70 miles per hour in the city. AND I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING. YEEHAW, I'M IN TEXAS. We hit one area with especially narrow roads and I bumped into the curb. I never lost control, though. I may have the body of a bovine but I never lose control and I have the mental focus of a surgeon. We were never in any danger, other than, of course, the ridiculous velocity at which this gigantic vehicle was being propelled. As per normal, we got lost. It took us over an hour to travel, what, ten miles? Tim and his crew got there shortly after we did. You have to take into account that Tim left the same time we did and stopped to grab a bite to eat.

I've never been paintballing before and this place looked very sparce to me. I expected something out of Gotcha on the NES but got more of a trailer park vibe. At least water was cheap. I didn't actually paintball because it was six degress over the one hundred degree mark and I was saving my cash because I never budget enough money. Next year I'll actually paintball. Several of us sat on the sidelines and watched. Billy, Spy, Dee, Tim's girlfriend, Windy and I sat around goofing off. We mostly talked but I got bored and started picking up some of the many paintballs on the ground and throwing them at the facade of the barn that we were cooped up in. This caught on and we had a blast just throwing shit on the walls. After a couple of hours of paintball, we left. Bon Jovi played as Hoop navigated us through a sea of strip malls. Much fun was had.

We got back and Warpticon was there. Warpti was bummed but optimistic. I had no idea but he was actually pretty miserable. Warpti was by far the biggest surprise of the convention. I've only had marginal contact with him over the years. He often gets lost in the sea of noise that is the Internets but, fuck all, Warpti is awesome. I didn't expect Warpti to be as engaging as he was. Highly intelligent, fun and amazingly energetic, he added a tangible energy to the group. It was awesome.

We went to the food court where a big chunk of #Wiigii! ass-raped a carousel, apparently. They had fun. I briefly met Jackpot, who wasn't bald. Jackpot is a guy I've wanted to get a chance to meet for years. He's one of my favorite people in the fandom. He's just an awesome guy.

We got back and sat around in the lobby during casino night. Unbeknownst to us, everyone was hanging out playing paper telephone outside of the gay gay casino hall. I got to meet a few people that I hadn't met before. And there my life changed forever. A man among men walked by. I had shared an elevator with him earlier but was too weak-in-the-knees to say anything. I had a bit more nerve in me and I approached him.

Frank Gross, known to many of you as WebTV's Frank is one of the most legitimately cool people in the fandom. Frank knows that we like his site because it's kitsch and he doesn't care. Fuck all. Anybody cool enough to hang after something like that is cool as shit in my book. I got an interview with him recorded along with some pictures. PREPARE FOR ASS KICKEN.

Lynxor showed up at about this time. Lynx got a heroes welcome. Lynx has been shit on so many times over the years and it was good to see him get his props. Lynx is no longer the kid. Rumor has it that his balls even descended. He's a man now, sort of. Rock on, Lynx!

Not much else happened Friday. The group convened and went out for karaoke. I should have went but I seriously didn't feel like it. I wanted to get cleaned up and rest. I got cleaned up but I didn't rest. The hotel's wi-fi connection was clear and I dicked around on the Internets for a few hours before going to sleep when everyone else showed up.

Saturday was going to be fun.

Saturday

I got up Saturday morning ready to hit up the convention. I went back to the registration booth and, surprise, I had to wait in line again. Fuck. I got there early enough so that I wouldn't have to wait in line too long and get into the convention. I gave the woman my money, she gave me a ticket. It was one of those cheap little red tickets you can buy at Wal-Mart, 1,575 of them for a quarter. The fuck!? Us general admission pariahs had to wait another HALF HOUR to get into the show after getting our tickets. At least I was waiting with cool people like Sam, Windy and Pic. Eventually the line started moving and we made it to the entrance, there the rent-a-cop stamped our hands with the mark of the beast and we were let in. Jesus shitting in a corner, this fucking sucked so far. We ran to the Hasbro panel and, WE HAD TO WAIT IN LINE AGAIN BECAUSE WE WERE GENERAL ADMISSION. Fuck all. We had to wait so that all of the badged assfucks could get into the panel first. I guess Savage didn't realize that he had more seats than actual attendees. Jesus Christ I hated this.

The Hasbro panel was fun. They showed off some stuff that you have no doubt already heard of by the time you read this. If not, then you obviously don't care anyway. I will not repeat the contents of the show. I really don't care myself. I'll just say this. SEACONS ROCK -and- HOLY SHIT MIRAGE IS AWESOME. Oh, and TRANSMUTATE TRANSMUTATE TRANSMUTATE!

That was awesome. Also one fan lamented that we weren't getting a Blackarachnia figure in the tenth anniversary Beast Wars set for him to masturbate to. That guy rocked. His geek lisp was dead-on perfect. I love you, dude. You're my muse.

After the panel was over, we all rushed Aaron Archer because, well, we want Aaron to be #Wiigii! We already own the fandom, we might as well own the hobby. After #Wiigii! had its way with Aaron, Headmaster Don came down and started talking to him. Jesus Fuck. I didn't know who he was. I looked over at Hooper_X and told him how awesome I thought this guy was. “That's Headmaster Don” someone said. I was in the presence of greatness. For those of you unaware, Headmaster Don is the guy who every year asks Hasbro if they are going to make a Headmaster Arcee figure. He's one of the incomprehensible fucks that keep me loving this fandom. You go, Don. You rock.

After that more convention shit happened. I toured the dealer room, looking at shit I really didn't want. I was cock-shocked when I saw that Brave Maximus is going for $200 loose. The FUCK!? A friend of mine got it sealed on clearance for less than a c-note. That makes no sense. It was probably the Korean version, at that.

While in the dealer room Recharge told some of the dealers that I was Glen Hallit and I had let myself go after being devastated by Hasbro. Rock.

We went to eat again, I'm certain. I don't think I had anything. I remember only drinking a lemonade. I was pretty hardcore on my diet. I didn't want to gain weight. This theme recurred all throughout Botcon. We came back and sat in the lobby. That doesn't sound fun but considering how awesome we all are, we manage to have a good time.

Wally Burr and Michael Chain

Later on we came back and found that the voice actor's panel was going on. Not much happened except for, you know, Hooper_X made Wally Burr cry. Those of you who do not know Hooper_X, I'll sum him up for you -- and I'll even forgo the usual Hooper_X talking points. Hoop is loud and obnoxious, in the best possible way. He gets his kicks via self-promotion and faggery. I really love the guy. He's one of the reasons I wanted to go to Botcon.

Hoop's question was innocent enough. He wanted Wally to talk about Orson Welles, whom Wally directed during Transformers The Movie. Wally regaled us with a touching story of Orson's session in the booth. Orson started off as hard ass, as hard as a 400 pound man got anyway. Then he died. Wally cried. Hoop earned even more cred. He unintentionally trolled Wally Burr. Awesome.

After the panel, we all circled Wally. Suspsy wanted to talk about Michael Bell. He decided that it would be cool to tell how Bell JOKED that Wally killed Orson Welles. Wally was taken aback. It had to be reiterated that Bell was JOKING. I felt that this was a bit of an unnecessary attack but Susp's persona is built on unnecessary attacks, so it's all cool. (Susp, you know I love you, brother.)

After that came the organizer's panel where Brian Savage ended up sticking his foot in his mouth more than once. He pedantically laid out the mass and dimensions of a tool. Five hundred pounds and ten feet long. It sounded like he was describing my tool. “The process is nothing like you think it is.” “If I had an affinity for Transformers...” Oh, great. The guy running the convention has no affinity for Transformers that's just great. He described Transfans as whiny bitches who aren't as intelligent as Joe fans. For fuck's sake. I'm angrier now than when I was at the convention. Savage came off as a douche. End of discussion.

After the panel, I think we went to the California Pizza... something. Some overpriced mall restaurant. There we were talking about the sexual escapades of two other #Wiigii!ers. There was an older man and woman just outside of our peripheral vision who sat and listened to every word. They emerged from their hole and sarcastically thanked us for sharing the story with them. Hoop and I (primarily Hoop) thanked them for listening. The guy walked away and kept staring at us until he was seated. That was awesome. We grabbed a bite. I had a lettuce wrap because, again, I didn't want to gain weight. It was tasty but expensive for being, you know, lettuce. Pic, Warpti, Dee, Charge, Hoop, Spy and I all enjoyed each other's company. We talked shit and goofed around for a while.

Later on we went back to the hotel and sat around, patiently waiting for strip club action. Hooper_X offered Aaron Archer a ride to the club but Aaron declined. Aaron thinks we're gay, I think. Not hur hur dick in ass gay but I think he has that sense of superiority that a ninth grade high school prick has over his ostensibly inferior eighth grade friends. That's not a complaint. We have to earn his respect. Just waiting on an opportunity.

About fifteen people went to the club. We got lost in multiple waves. The van made it to the club alone. John DeLuna and I went in to scope the place out. It was quite nice. We came back and waited on the rest of the guys to make it. After a while, we all just went in and enjoyed ourselves. Someone, possibly Hooper_X remarked that we should get into a fight. I thought this was a great idea. I've been wanting to get into a good bar fight for the last three months. Where would be a better place than a strip club in Dallas? Lamentably, we didn't get into a fight.

I've never seen so many titties together in one place before in my whole life. It was awesome. There were some very attractive strippers there. But of course, you know, it was Dallas. I remarked to Rob Powers and Thylacine 2000 that I never would've imagined when I met them seven years ago on alt.toys.transformers that I'd be in a strip club in Dallas with them. A couple of minutes into the club Recharge emerged with a stripper. She was a tall black chick. She was quite attractive. He told her that it was my birthday. She asked me my name. I told her it was Brian. She said “Let's all chant Brian!” A Brian chant ensued. That was awesome. Charge sent us off and told her to show me a good time. I don't think I told anyone this but I went and took some dude's seat from him. I sat down and she started talking. This was kind of fucked up. She talked about the normal stuff. Where she was from. She wanted to know where I was from. She talked about music. She asked if I was nervous. I don't get nervous. She then started talking about how her boyfriend beats her. She said that she has a thing about getting into relationships with bad guys. She really wanted to break the cycle. She looked me in the eyes and said “You know, I'll fuck ya.” Awesome. She took off her top and started. Got some titties smacked in my face. She really knew her craft. She almost constantly kept eye contact, which I like a lot. She kept putting her hands in my hair, softly. Her nails raking softly, electrically against the back of my neck and then -- more titties in the face. Full nude clubs are, nice, I won't go into much more detail than that. At the end she smiled at me and thanked me. I thanked her for her time. She was far more personable than the other strippers. Unlike Waspy, who said that he doesn't usually go for black chicks, I'm totally down with brown. Always have been. I enjoyed that thoroughly.

Recharge, you fucking rock. Meeting you was like meeting a brother that I didn't know I had. I love you, man.

Later on we found a corner to sit in. I stood up behind Hooper_X. The goth stripper was summoned to entertain Hoop. She was cute and well-proportioned. She sat on his lap and handed me her whip for safe keeping. Hoop was fairly low-key. They talked for a while. She put on Lith's goggles (OH MY GOD) and she almost got to the dance. Then she got up and stormed away. Hoop pissed her off, somehow. I thought it was part of her schtick. You know, she was a goth stripper. Part of her character has to be that she's fucked up in the head. But no, she was really pissed.

I sat around and watched everyone enjoying themselves. Lap dances are nice but I enjoy watching as much as anything. McFly and Thylacine 2000 earned major cred that night. I mean, both were already awesome but they fucking had a ball. Thy earned some major JFK points. Hoop got shit faced drunk. Charge got drunk but he's in the Navy and has a massive tolerance. By the end of the night Hoop was demanding that everyone show the waitress the proper amount of respect. Charge was telling me how I was “the smartest and funniest person out there.” It was drunk talk but I liked it.

I did witness the sexiest thing ever, though. Lith got a lap dance from this chick. The chick was hot and naked but I wasn't even looking at her. She was dry humping Lith for what seemed like four or five minutes. It was FUCKING HOT. Billy, who is gay, turned straight for those five minutes. Even HE got turned on.

The club closed at 4:00 a.m. We were there until closing. On the way back to the hotel, Hoop threw up all over Forky and Forky's seat. It stank profusely. I'm glad I don't drink. That did not look fun. We got back to the Hotel just as Dal was leaving. I hated to see him go, I didn't get to hang out with him much this year. Most of us in the van decided that we weren't going to sleep, so we all sat in the lobby. I sat around until 7:00 a.m. when I grabbed breakfast. I managed to stay up until 8:30 a.m., when McFly and Ant crashed in my room. I slept until 9:00 a.m., so I got about half an hour's sleep. Joy.

Sunday

Sunday was pretty much uneventful. I sat around all day. I was too tired to do much of anything. I took about nineteen servings of energy mints, all at once, to stay awake. That woke me up. I also got naceous. You win some, you lose some.

I didn't go to the convention Sunday because I was pissed off at the treatment of General Admission folk from Friday and Saturday. Also, there was nothing to do there.

Basically, I sat around and bullshitted all day. I earned my Mensa membership card by changing the hospitality PC's desktop to “Allspark is Gay”. I don't know why I did that, really. I really like The AllSpark. Of course, I was going on half an hour's sleep. Later on I set the desktop to the infamous "Infrarred" picture.

We had a lot of #Wiigii! and non-#Wiigii! walk-ins Sunday. Eric, the lonely viking displaced thirteen hundred years out of time and sex showed up. I don't know what his deal is. Apparently he followed everyone around at OTFCC 04 as well. Another dude showed up I almost asked him what his deal was. When he did approach us, I finally knew why the guy was so quiet. Bitstream is super introverted. I'm glad I didn't show my ass like I planned on. I did tell him that I was Goldimus Prime, though. Frank showed up and hung with us. That was fun. He had this fucking awesome stripper story to share with us. Frank rules.

That evening a fan showed up and was talking to some of the guys. Someone yelled “Glen!” and I knew it was my cue. They told the guy that I was Glen Hallit. He wanted to thank me for putting on a good show the last two years. I cracked up but kept it going. That was awesome.

Later on refugees from Houston were bussed in. It was hella-awesome watching Hoop make small talk with these guys. Hoop couldn't be in character because, you know, these people were evacuated from their homes. So I got to watch Cenate in action. That was fun.

Aaron showed up as we were preparing to play paper telephone. Aaron seriously thinks were lame. I know it. That's an egg we have to crack.

Frank played paper telephone. His sentence was “Preppare for ass kicken.” One of my favorite sentences ever was inspired by one of my drawings. “The party and the world are in my pants.” That rocks.

Not much else happened until Brian Savage and is entourage showed up. He asked what we thought about the convention. Ha ha.We totally laid it out for him. He spun like the rear wheel of a Cobra Mustang. I told him that General Admission people need to be allowed in Friday. He would have nothing to do with it. “General Admission people don't want to come in on Friday.” THE FUCK!?

We asked him about Hooks and Afterburner. He was familiar with them. Someone asked him about Nixtr. He was also familiar with Nixtr. I took this as my opportunity to whore myself. I told him about this great guy named Brian Kilby who was “in opposition to Nixtr.” Brian Kilby is awesome and a geniuz. He can make Botcon better. I suggested that Savage contact him. Savage asked me to get in contact with Kilby and to have Kilby contact him. I told him I would. Awesome. Every three or four minutes when a Botcon issue arose, I suggested that Kilby could help him out. He had to know I was talking about myself. Oh well.

After Savage left, I made my goodbyes and I headed off to bed.

The next morning I woke up and met the last few stragglers who were still at the convention. We sat around and talked. Sipher showed up at about 11:00 a.m. and we left.

Sipher made the twenty hour drive back to North Carolina without stopping to sleep. That was pretty hardcore. I took in a few zzz whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Basically, I got back home and rested a while. Being worried that I gained weight over the weekend, I checked the scale. I had actually lost ten pounds. Rock.

Oh, and my cat was happy to see me.

See you all next year.