MYSTERY SCIENCE TRANSFORMERS 3000--THE ANNOTATED SCRIPT
Annotations by Doug Dlin
and the TFTMMST3K writing staff
[Some of the notes here may seem painfully obvious, but it doesn't pay to
overestimate the casual reader's cultural literacy. Hey, Doug once met a woman
in her 30s once who didn't know who Elmer Fudd was. All commentary/explanations
are in brackets. Great pains have been taken to be sure there are no other
stray brackets so the casual reader is not confused. So few appreciate the
effort needed for such painstaking work. So bow down, unworthy ones, bow down
in undying gratitude for those who have done so much for you! Oh, and enjoy.]
SCREEN TITLE: FHE Video
SIPHER: Fish Heads Entertainment Video...
["Fish Heads" is a perrenially favorite song featured on the "Dr. Demento" radio
show... as song about the joys of fish heads. Sung by Barnes & Barnes, one of
whom is TV's Billy "Lost In Space" Mumy. Says Sipher, "I could have gone with
"Fire Hazards Everywhere Video", but I WANTED "Fish Heads", dammit!"]
or
SCREEN TITLE: Avid Entertainment
SIPHER: Avid? Doesn't that mean it's going to lay eggs?
DOUG: No, that's GRAVID.
[Mostly a tribute joke. Head MSTF3K writer M Sipher was being told by fellow
TransFan Raksha (see note on Prime's death scene below) about her snakes and
their reproduction. She used a few terms Sipher was unfamiliar with, like
"gravid", so he had her baby-talk him through it.]
or
SCREEN TITLE: Malofilms
[The first of many references to the prime-time animated series THE SIMPSONS.
This one is to star character Homer Simpson, who tends to be rather obsessed
with food.]
SIPHER: Mmm, Mallofilms...
DOUG: It's a film distributor AND a dessert topping!
[From the SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE skit about a floor wax/dessert topping.]
SCREEN TITLE: DEG
DOUG: The ciiiircle of liiife...
[LION KING reference]
SIPHER: Oh, shut up.
ROB: Bad deg! No biscuit!
[Inspired by a FAR SIDE cartoon in which an owner similarly chides his dog for
not mowing the lawn properly]
SCREEN TITLE: Marvel/Sunbow Logos
ALL: (as Stan Lee) EXCELSIOR!
(Empty space)
DOUG: (As Shatner) Space... the fi-
[STAR TREK, of course]
ROB: & SIPHER: *NO.*
(Shot of two suns, with Unicron coming in between them)
DOUG: One star, two star, red star, blue star.
[Dr. Seuss: "One fish, two fish..."]
(Take a second to appreciate the music)
SIPHER: Kraftwerk takes command of the Death Star.
[Kraftwerk is an industrial-techno-sorta band. The Death Star is obviously from
STAR WARS.]
(Everybody ducks and "Whoah!"s as Unicron moves past)
DOUG: Sunday driver...
(View from inside Unicron, looking at the planet Lithone)
ROB: It's the Late-Night Uni-Cam!
SIPHER: (As Paul Schaffer) That's wild, Dave.
[Based on one of David Letterman's more popular riffs, shots from trick cameras
known as the LATE NIGHT (blank)-Cams.]
(Overhead shot of Lithone)
DOUG: A real nice place to bring your kids up.
(Interior of Lithone)
ROB: It's the Mall of America 2099!
DOUG: Radio Shack, level five.
[The Mall of America is believed to be the largest mall on Earth, containing a
full-sized roller coaster within its walls.]
(The two Lithones carrying the tray...)
DOUG: No, no, I wanted a BUTT light!
[Riff on the Bud Light commercials of a decade ago.]
(...door opens to lab. Scientist Lithone turns to them.)
SIPHER: Jeez, did you guys fall in or something? What took ya?
(Tray is passed on)
DOUG: Your Windex, sir...
(Ground rumbles)
ROB: Quick! Get under a door frame!!
LITHONIAN: Arblus, look! It's Unicron!!
SIPHER: Oh, man, he wants his edge trimmer back... look, tell him I'm not here.
(Horns sink into the planet)
DOUG: Oh, he's aerating their lawn for them!
SIPHER: Are we getting on a gardening tangent here?
ROB: I hoe not.
SIPHER: Damn you, Rob.
(Shot of debris flying into Unicron's maw)
SIPHER: (singing) Black hole sun... won't you come...
[Opening of the chorus of Sound Garden's "Black Hole Sun"]
LITHONIAN: The ships! Get to the ships! It's our only chance!
ROB: Maybe if you asked nicely, he'd stop...
(Bridge to ships crumbles)
ROB: There's only three small ships on the whole planet?
(Lithone climbs into ship)
DOUG: (Monotone) Step away from the ship. This ship is protected by
Viper.
[Car alarm system commercial]
(One ship fails to escape Unicron)
LITHONIAN: KRANIIIIIX!!!!!
SIPHER: I knew I should have carpooooooooooooled....
(Ship tumbles through Unicron)
DOUG: Hey, this is kinda fun!
SIPHER: Yee-hooo!
(Ship drops through crushers)
ROB: It's Unicron's Wild Ride!
[As in the Disneyland attraction Mr. Toad's Wild Ride]
(Unicron's ring lights up)
ROB: It's time to play the music!
DOUG: It's time to light the lights!
SIPHER: It's time to eat some planets
ALL: On the Transformers tonight!!
[Parody of the opening from the original MUPPET SHOW]
(Camera pans off Unicron)
SIPHER: Urp. 'Scuse me.
(Drum beat starts)
ROB: Cue Generic Drum Beat 3-A...
TITLE: Transformers
TITLE: The Movie
DOUG: What did they think we were expecting? Transformers the Radio Play?
(Traveling through the "O" in the title)
DOUG: Dr. Who!
SIPHER: The Time Tunnel!
ROB: Sliders!
[All TV series that involve that kind of effect, either in the credits or as
part of the actual show]
TITLE: Starring
ROB: Jackie Gleason! ART CARNEY!!!
[from the opening of THE HONEYMOONERS]
TITLE: Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar
ALL: (as Idle) Say no MORE!
[from his famous MONTY PYTHON "Nudge Nudge" routine, in which he plays a grin-
'n'-wink insinuating lecher]
TITLE: Judd Nelson as Hot Rod
DOUG: Judd Nelson's Plumbing and Heating. Free balloons for the kids.
[Cheap gag tossed in because the writers forgot that Judd Nelson was starring in
the NBC sitcom SUDDENLY SUSAN. We are shamed.]
TITLE: Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron
SIPHER: Ah. The highlight of his career in the mid-eighties...
[Psuedo-nasty remark based on the story that Nimoy tends to dodge questions
about his involvement with TF:TM like the plague. Plus he didn't do much during
the 80s outside of some pretty bad STAR TREK movies.]
TITLE: Robert Stack as Ultra Magnus
DOUG: (As Stack) If you or anyone you know has any information about this
Decepticon...
[Riff on Stack's standard closing line as the host of UNSOLVED MYSTERIES]
TITLE: Lionel Stander as Kup
ROB: (as Stander) Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Hart!
[Standard line for Stander's character Max in HART TO HART]
TITLE: And Orson Welles as Unicron
SIPHER: (As Welles from "The Critic") Oh YES! They're even better when you're
DEAD!
[Like it says, from a scene in the short-lived prime-time animated series THE
CRITIC. The parents of the lead character, Jay Sherman, have crashed while
taking a plane through the South Seas and are suspected to be dead. Their
daughter, however, refuses to give up, and is rewarded with a vision of her
still-living mother encouraging her to keep looking (and to put on a decent
nightie for your age, young lady). Following that, she gets a vision of Orson
Welles, who says that while her folks are alive, he has gone on to a better
place, one filled with Mrs. Pell's Fish Sticks, for which he was doing a
commercial earlier in the episode. It should be noted that here Welles sounds a
LOT like The Brain from TV's PINKY AND THE BRAIN -- and with good reason, as
both are voiced by Maurice LaMarche.]
TITLE: With John Moschitta as Blurr
DOUG: The Micro Machines Guy, right?
ROB: The toy line that killed G1, yes.
SIPHER: Coincidence? Or conspiracy? Read the book.
[From an ad for one of those supernatural phenomena books, plus a reference to
the long-running toy car line that Mr. Moschitta used to promote. "G1" is fan
shorthand for the original Transformers line, distinguishing it from the
Transformers: Generation 2 line (or "G2" for short) Hasbro released in 1992.]
ANNOUNCER: It is the year 2005.
DOUG: Do you know where your children are?
ANNOUNCER: The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobots'
home planet of Cybertron.
ROB: *How* they did it isn't important, really.
(Laserbeak flies from Cybertron)
ROB: I'd like to thank you for flying Decepticon Lunar Airlines...
DOUG: (singing) Fly me to the moon...
["Fly Me to the Moon", a famous song from years past.]
ANNOUNCER: But from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron's
moons...
SIPHER: The secret bases that Laserbeak just glides right into.
(Laserbeak flies over the assembly line.)
DOUG: Oh, this must be where they make those "Welcome to Cybertron" snow
globes...
(Laserbeak flies to the window of the command center.)
ROB: Oh, I wanted to see him smack right into it.
DOUG: Here's a hint. Never put bay windows on your command center.
OPTIMUS: Ironhide, report to me at once.
IRONHIDE: Every time I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits sizzle.
DOUG: Well, then go read a book or something.
IRONHIDE: When are we gonna start bustin' Decepti-chops?
OPTIMUS: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
ROB: I'm out of smokes.
IRONHIDE: But Prime...!
OPTIMUS: Listen, Ironhide, we don't have enough Energon cubes to power
a full-scale assault.
SIPHER: Or troops, or guns, or anything else, for that matter...
IRONHIDE: Your days are numbered now, Decepti-creeps!
SIPHER: Man, his death couldn't be more predictable if he told Prime about his
retirement plans on his new boat.
OPTIMUS: Jazz, report security status.
(Scene cuts to Jazz)
SIPHER: (Starts humming the Hong Kong Phooey theme)
DOUG: (at the same time) Fan-rrriffic!
[HONG KONG PHOOEY, a mid-70s Hanna-Barbera cartoon in which Crothers voiced the
title role. Penrod "Penry" Pooch, humble janitor at the local police station,
would wait for news of dastardly deeds being afoot, then secretly leap into
action (once he could get that filing cabinet drawer unstuck) as the number-one
super guy, Hong Kong Phooey! "Fan-rrrific!" is the last word in the opening
credits.]
JAZZ: No sign of Decepticons here, Prime!
OPTIMUS: What about Moon Base Two?
JAZZ: Jazz to Moon Base Two, Jazz to Moon Base Two...
SIPHER: Paging Mister Herman. Mister Herman...
[A line straight out of PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE]
(Scene cuts to Bumblebee & Spike)
BUMBLEBEE: Bumblebee and Spike here.
ROB: Oh, goodie. THESE two.
JAZZ: We're about to send up a shuttle. Any Decepticon shenanigans in
your area?
DOUG: Well, they pennied my locker door...
[To "penny" a door means to slip a penny in the vertical crack between the door
and the frame. If the crack is small enough, this jams the door so it cannot be
opened.]
BUMBLEBEE: All clear, Jazz!
SPIKE: Hey, Ironhide! Tell my son Daniel I miss him!
SIPHER: Thanks for the exposition.
SPIKE: And tell him not to worry; I'll be coming home as soon as we've
kicked Megatron's tail across the galaxy!
ROB: Jeez, the kid could be in college by then...
SIPHER: Naw, this Megatron doesn't have a tail.
[Sidelong reference to a new version of Megatron in the latest Transformers TV
series, BEAST WARS]
IRONHIDE: Will do, Spike.
OPTIMUS: Cliffjumper, commence countdown.
CLIFFJUMPER: 5...
SIPHER: 5?! What happened to 6?!
DOUG: (As MegaMaid) Just kidding!
[Taken from the Mel Brooks SF genre parody SPACEBALLS]
CLIFFJUMPER: 2... 1... BLAST OFF!
DOUG: I forgot my toothbruuuush....
(Shuttle takes off.)
ROB: (As stewardess) Buhbye. Buhbye. Buhbye now. Buhbye.
[From the "Total Bastard Airlines" skit on SNL]
OPTIMUS: Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck.
SIPHER: And a piece of string and a picture of Gavin McCleod.
DOUG: What?
[Reference mainly to the old Infocom text-based adventure game LEATHER GODDESSES
OF PHOBOS. Your character had to construct an anti-Leather-Goddesses-Of-Phobos-
device using a bizzare array of totally unrelated items with no identifiable
purpose. At least, that's where Sipher first heard of such a gag, even if he
couldn't remember the specific items (except for the piece of garden hose).]
(Laserbeak flies back to Cybertron)
SIPHER: (Singing) When the condors come baaack to Cybertrono....
["When the swallows come back to Capistrano..."]
SHOCKWAVE: Laserbeak returns, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Welcome, Laserbeak. Unlike *some* of my other warriors, you
never fail me.
ROB: Well, there was that one time, but...
MEGATRON: Soundwave, play back Laserbeak's findings.
SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron.
(Playback begins)
DOUG: Last time, on Transformers!
PLAYBACK: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
PLAYBACK: But Prime...!
SIPHER: (whiny) I don't wanna!!
PLAYBACK: Listen, Ironhide, we don't have enough Energon cubes to power
a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch!
DOUG: LUNCH!!!
[Kinda a reference to the early-80s(?) Sid-and-Marty-Krofft production FAR OUT
SPACE NUTS]
PLAYBACK: Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck.
ROB: And a hard-boiled egg.
SIPHER: HONK.
ROB: Make that two hard-boiled eggs.
[from a Marx Brothers routine]
MEGATRON: More than you imagine, Optimus Prime...
(Shuttle flies through space.)
(Prowl is piloting... ship shudders.)
DOUG: Muffler's loose!
ROB: (singing) Rattle rattle thunder clatter boom boom boom...
[Regional muffler repair chain commercial]
(Side of ship explodes, Megatron tears through hull.)
SIPHER: Damn imports just fall apart on ya.
BRAWN: Megatron!
ROB: *Duh.*
BRAWN: DECEPTICONS!!
MEGATRON: DIE, AUTOBOTS!!
(Megatron transforms and flies into Starscream's hand)
DOUG: Starscream fails you, so you trust him to fire you?
(Megatron fires, hitting Brawn, who collapses)
ROB: Ow.
SIPHER: (as "Holy Grail" Corpse) I'm not dead!
[like it says, from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL]
ROB: That's for Jameel, right?
[Referring to H. Jameel al Khafiz, easily enthused contributing writer and fan
of the character Brawn. Jameel and some other fans have gone to some lengths
(all in good fun) to theorize how and why Brawn actually survived this attack.]
(Prowl fires at Decepticons. Scavenger fires, hitting Prowl)
SIPHER: *Scavenger* kills Prowl with one shot?!
ROB: He hasn't been well.
DOUG: And I thought Brawn was gypped.
[Before the movie, the character Scavenger had never been really threatening,
much less deadly.]
(Ratchet & Ironhide open fire.)
(Close-up of Ratchet firing two pistols)
DOUG: (as Yosemite Sam) Th' rootin'ist, tootin'ist medic in the...
[Mel Blanc, we hardly knew ye.]
(Ratchet & Ironhide get holed by shots)
SIPHER: (As Scooby Doo) Ruh roh, Raggy!
[Used because Rachet's voice actor, the late Don Messick, also voiced Scooby
Doo]
ROB: Oh, that's never good.
DOUG: Sam Peckinpah's Transformers The Movie.
[Director Sam Peckinpah was/is famous for producing unusually violent and gory
movies for his time]
MEGATRON: This was almost too easy, Starscream.
STARSCREAM: Much easier, o mighty Megatron, than attacking the real
threat! The Autobots' Moon Base!
(Decepticons fly to piloting stations)
SIPHER: I call shotgun!
["Shotgun" is the front passenger seat in a vehicle, considered the most coveted
spot for its up-front view. "Calling shotgun" when you're boarding the vehicle
is to stake your claim to the spot.]
MEGATRON: You're an idiot, Starscream.
DOUG: (as Starscream) Well, thank y-HEY!!
MEGATRON: When we slip by their early warning systems in their own
shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be
vanquished forever!
DOUG: We've heard THAT before...
ROB: Sure, no one'll notice the gaping hole in the side...
IRONHIDE: Nooo!
MEGATRON: Such heroic nonsense.
SIPHER: It's silly nonsense!
[Kinda vague reference to The Weatherman, aka David Wills, the most vocal member
of the noise group Negativland. The Weatherman has a very distinct voice and
speech mannerism that's very hard to forget. You should hear his rendition of
U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For."]
(Megatron fires)
SIPHER: Ooh, maybe not.
DOUG: (As Ed Grimly) Oh, that's a pain that's going to linger, I must
say.
[Based on a character Martin Short developed while part of SNL, or perhaps
Canadian TV's SECOND CITY TELEVISION]
(Shuttle flies off)
(Cut to Hot Rod & Daniel fishing)
ROB: It's Mutual of Omaha 2005.
[Anyone remember MUTUAL OF OMAHA'S WILD KINGDOM?]
HOT ROD: Fish are jumping today, eh Dan-o?
DOUG: And so, as we left the clam flowage...
[Long-standing MST gag based on fishing shows]
ROB: Stop it.
DANIEL: I guess so.
HOT ROD: Hey, what's the matter?
SIPHER: You've killed again, haven't you?
DANIEL: I dunno, Hot Rod...
HOT ROD: Come on, you can tell me.
DANIEL: I guess I miss my dad.
SIPHER: What about your MOM? Where the hell is SHE?
HOT ROD: Don't worry, Spike'll be back soon--oh, hey, I caught
something!
DOUG: I think it's Jimmy Hoffa!
[Head of the Teamsters' Union during its more corrupt days, Hoffa was also
thought to be a gangster. He vanished under mysterious circumstances, never to
be found.]
(Hot Rod pulls up the fish)
DANIEL: Whoah, look at the size of it!
ROB: Oh, no! Mr. Limpet!!
[Refers to THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET, a movie in which Don Knotts turns into a(n
animated) fish and battles Nazi subs with his powerful sonic-blast yell. No,
really!]
HOT ROD: Yep, it's a whopper all right!
(Beeping noise, Daniel pulls scanner out of pocket.)
SIPHER: We got crappies at about twelve feet.
[Another fishing-show riff from MST, no doubt used there because a crappie
(pronounced "croppie") is a fish with a really fun-to-say name]
DANIEL: Hot Rod! The shuttle's coming! Let's watch it land!
HOT ROD: Talk about dull, Daniel.
ROB: Oh. Oliver Stone's JFK.
SIPHER: "Back and to the left..."
[Watch the film. You'll see what we mean.]
DANIEL: Hurry, or we'll miss it!
SIPHER: Come on, or we'll miss our death!
(Daniel leaps onto hoverboard.)
DOUG: "Gleaming the Cube" starring Christian Slater.
[Rather obscure skateboarder film from the early or mid-80s, starring Christian
Slater, natch.]
(Shot from behind Daniel as he hoverboards)
("Dare" starts up)
ROB: Oh, he's trying to catch up to Christopher Lloyd.
SIPHER: (as Lloyd) Marty! Get into the DeLorean!!
[BACK TO THE FUTURE II reference]
(Hot Rod catches Daniel)
HOT ROD: If you're gonna ride, Dan-o, ride in style!
(Hot Rod transforms)
ROB: (singing) Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat...
[from the commercial jingle for that car-rental agency]
DANIEL: Hey, let's stop here!
HOT ROD: Why settle for a peek, Daniel, when you can see everything
from Lookout Mountain?
DOUG: (as Billy Kimball from Green Acres) Well, not *really* everything... more
like everything within a small area...
[Billy Kimball was a character in the 60s sitcom GREEN ACRES who would talk like
that, taking stuff literally and over-explaining himself.]
(Kup is directing the roadblock)
KUP: A little to the left. A little bit more...
ROB: Shouldn't Gears be holding up one of those "Stop/Slow" signs?
(Kup turns to see Hot Rod driving up)
DOUG: (singing) I can't drive...55...
[Title line from Sammy Hagar's early-80s song. Remember, before he joined Van
Halen?]
(Hot Rod crashes through the roadblock)
KUP: Turbo-revvin' young punk! I'll straighten you out yet!
SIPHER: Rebel without a clutch.
(Hot Rod skids to a stop)
DOUG: Better than rebel without brakes...
[Both parodies of the title of the James Dean flick REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE]
(Daniel looks through binoculars)
SIPHER: Hey, she's nude!
DANIEL: Hot Rod, look! There's a hole in the shuttle!
ROB: What'd I tell ya. Gaping hole does them in.
HOT ROD: What!? Decepticons!
SIPHER: Were you expecting maybe Cobra?
[Refers to the G.I. JOE series, in which Cobra was the terrorist army arch-enemy
of the G.I. Joe team. JOE was Hasbro's other big boys' toy line at the time.
There were even two crossovers in the Marvel comics TRANSFORMERS and G.I.JOE
series.]
(Hot Rod fires, Starscream falls over)
DOUG: Starscream Number One goes down...
[Pointing out that we almost never see Skywarp or Thundercracker, who are
physically identical to Starscream save for coloration, until they're tossed out
of the shuttle later in the movie.]
KUP: What's that darn fool doin'?
ROB: Didn't anyone think of RADIOING the ship?
(Ship starts to explode)
DOUG: Dateline NBC 2005.
[Refers to DATELINE NBC's scandal in which the show faked footage of a car
exploding during a test]
(Decepticons swarm from ship)
MEGATRON: ATTACK!!
SIPHER: Brilliant strategy. Thanks.
(Lookout point explodes)
HOT ROD: Daniel!
ROB: Man, that fell apart easily...
SIPHER: It's a union job, you know.
ROB: Oh.
(Daniel screams)
DOUG: (as Daniel) I wet 'em...!!
(Hot Rod lands)
(Blitzwing and Shrapnel land, Blitzwing transforms)
BLITZWING: Come on down, Auto-brat!
ROB: You're the next contestant--
SIPHER: No. No. Don't.
[Aborted reference to the game show THE PRICE IS RIGHT]
(Kup leaps forward and grabs Blitzwing's gun barrel)
DOUG: Hey! Stop it! Leggo!! MOOOOOOM!
(Shrapnel takes the blast)
SIPHER: Oops! Sorry about that! My fault completely!
(Shrapnel drops, knocking Blitzwing over)
ROB: Wait. I don't understand the physics of that one...
HOT ROD: Not bad for an old timer!
SIPHER: (As Dana Gould) Go to bed, old man!
[Comedian Dana Gould uses this line in his stage routine. The MST crew uses it
often themselves.]
KUP: Old timer? That's somethin' you'll never be if you don't get back
to the city.
ROB: You can't HANDLE the truth!!
[Jack Nicholson in A FEW GOOD MEN]
HOT ROD: Save it, Kup!
(Starscream strafes them.)
HOT ROD: Let's burn rubber!
DOUG: I guess I'm still not sure just how stealing the shuttle gained the
Decepticons anything.
SIPHER: It gained about five minutes of movie.
ROB: And a couple of bad jokes.
(Perceptor transforms. POV from Perceptor)
SIPHER: I thought he was a MICROscope.
ROB: Whatever.
PERCEPTOR: Ultra Magnus! A cursory evaluation of Decepticon
capabilities indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.
MAGNUS: In other words, Perceptor...
ALL: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!
(Magnus picks himself up)
MAGNUS: Springer, you and Arcee transform Autobot City. Perceptor,
tell Blaster to radio Prime for reinforcements.
SIPHER: Reinforcements?! What, are there no AUTOBOTS in Autobot City?
MAGNUS: Blurr, you can help me alert the others!
BLURR: Absolutelypositivelydefinitely!NobodycangetthejobdonefasterthanI
cannobodynobodynobody!
DOUG: How about God?
SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, let's go!
ARCEE: But Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the city!
(Arcee's visor pops down)
ROB: Cool Viewmaster!
[Everybody knows Viewmaster! The cheap plastic goggles version of a slide show
with a psuedo-3D effect.]
SPRINGER: We can't wait! They'll have to take care of themselves! Come
on!
(Arcee pulls on something that looks like a sewer cover.)
DOUG: Leonardo? Donatello? Splinter?
[Heroes in a halfshell...turtle power!]
(shot of City innards working)
SIPHER: Industry! Big and bold!
[Another oft-used MST line, lifted more or less from 50's educational films
promoting life and work in the good ol' U.S. of A.]
(Starscream chases Arcee & Springer)
STARSCREAM: Pathetic fools! There's no escape!
(Arcee & Springer duck through the door)
ROB: Well, apparently there IS...
(Starscream's foot is caught)
SIPHER: That's a hell of a bear trap!
(Starscream shoots his foot)
STARSCREAM: AUUUGH, MY FOOT!
DOUG: He'll need corrective shoes.
(Arcee at controls)
ROB: Grand Hotel, hold please...
(Autobot City unfolds)
SIPHER: This is too cool.
ROB: Jeez, all those guns should be MORE than enough...
(More guns unfold)
DOUG: The NRA's dream come true.
[A reference to the National Rifle Association, a major pro-gun interest
group.]
(Gates close. Megatron fires at the walls.)
MEGATRON: Breach their defenses!
SIPHER: Man, Napoleon's got nothing on him!
KICKBACK: Delicious, eh, Shrapnel?
SHRAPNEL: A little heavy on the electrons, electrons.
ROB: What wine goes with titanium?
DOUG: Gray.
SIPHER: Eewww.
KUP: The Insecticons are in our way!
HOT ROD: Wrong! They're our way in! HYAAA!
(Hot rod rams Kickback)
SIPHER: There's a bug on your windshield!
(Kup runs over Kickback's head)
DOUG: (as the guy from KIDS IN THE HALL) I'm crushing your head!
[Quoting a character created by the comedy group The Kids in the Hall for their
eponymous TV show on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, then later on Comedy
Central. This guy would stand some distance away from someone he didn't like
and hold up his thumb and forefinger in front of his face. The camera would
then switch to his POV, which would make it look like he was crushing the
target's head. Little-kid fun taken to a bizarre extreme -- fairly typical of
KitH.]
(Aerial shot of beseiged Autobot City)
ROB: This is Bernard Shaw. I'm under the desk...
[A reference to war correspondant Bernard Shaw, who was in Kuwait when the
Persian Gulf War started. He then filed his live television reports from under
a desk.]
(Communications tower fires, Blaster at controls)
BLASTER: Look out an' shout! OW!
SIPHER: He's way too happy about this.
(Perceptor enters tower)
BLASTER: Hey, Perceptor! What's shakin', other than this fortress?
DOUG: Our ratings.
PERCEPTOR: Blaster! Ultra Magnus sends orders to contact Optimus Prime
on Moon Base One!
DOUG: As opposed to Optimus Prime in Cleveland.
BLASTER: All right! Cover your receptors, Perceptor!
SIPHER: Wait. You had the give a message to the comm. officer by hand?
BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me?
ROB: Like a book.
BLASTER: The Decepticons are blitzing Autobot City. We're really taking
a pounding! Don't know how much longer we can hold out!
MEGATRON: Soundwave, jam that transmission!
SIPHER: Raspberry! Only one man would DARE give me the raspberry!
[Another SPACEBALLS reference]
SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat, eject. Operation:
interference.
DOUG: On three! Hup! Hup! Hup!
(Cassettes transform in midair)
DOUG: TWO Frenzies?
ROB: To make up for lack of series time.
(Cassettes rip off transmitter dish)
SIPHER: (singing) Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ...
[The repeated ending line from The Smiths song "Panic", which also encourages
people to "burn down the discos"]
RUMBLE: First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside!
ALL: Ewwwwwwwwww...
(Cassettes attack Perceptor)
ROB: Midget wrestling!
PERCEPTOR: Run, Blaster! Save yourself!
BLASTER: No way, two can play!
ROB: Over LAN or the Internet.
[Standard methods of playing multiplayer computer games with friends and
enemies.]
BLASTER: Sic 'em!
(Autobot cassettes eject)
(Steeljaw tackles Ratbat)
DOUG: (as Howered Cosell) Oh, that's gotta hurt!
[Just sports announcer stuff. The choice of Howard Cosell seems fairly
arbitrary]
(Ravage stalks across screen...)
SIPHER: Kitty!
[Old running gag from MST, origin within that context uncertain. Generally said
by robot character Crow whenever some nasty critter appeared on screen.]
(...and is shot at and turned back by Eject)
SIPHER: BAD kitty!
PERCEPTOR: Do you think you got through to Prime?
SIPHER: I can't get through to him, he won't listen to anybody...
BLASTER: ...'cause if I didn't, we're all gonna look like burnt-out
toaster ovens.
DOUG: Really BIG toaster ovens.
(Views of the Decepticons and Autobots fighting.)
BLURR: We'veGotDecepticonsAtTheGate,DecepticonsInTheAir,Decepticons
InsideTheWalls,DecepticonsDecepticonsDecepticons.IfWeBeatThemOn
TheWalls,They'reStillInTheAir,WeShootThemOutTheAir,They'reStillAt
TheGate.SoWhereDoesThatLeaveUs?Nowhere,That'sWhere.
SIPHER: Y'know, Blurr just doesn't handle stress well.
(Cut to Springer pushing a launcher into position.)
SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, we gotta get this launcher into place!
(Arcee drags in Autobot corpse)
ALL: Awwwww...
(Shot of dead Wheeljack & Windcharger)
SIPHER: Cheap deaths!
SPRINGER: Megatron's making his big push, and we gotta push back.
ALL: Push, push!
ROB: I can see the baby's head!
(Kup Hot Rod and Daniel enter.)
KUP: Keep at it, Springer, my boy, help's at hand!
DOUG: (as Mighty Mouse) Here we come to save the day!
[This old Terrytoons character, later revived by Ralph Bakshi, had a rather
unforgettable operatic battle cry]
KUP All together, now...
(Autobots push the launcher. Even Daniel helps.)
SIPHER: Yeah, Daniel, don't even pretend.
ARCEE: I was afraid you'd be trapped outside the city.
HOT ROD: Hey, I wasn't worried for a microsecond.
ARCEE: Then you probably didn't understand the situation.
ROB: The Decepticons are trying to tear down the city and destroy all
the Autobots--what's there not to understand?
SPRINGER: That did it.
(Daniel climbs a ladder to look outside)
ALL: (monkey noises)
MEGATRON: Constructicons! Merge for the kill!
DANIEL: Kup, Hot Rod! Look!
SIPHER: I can see my house from here!
KUP: Devastator!
(Constructicons form Devastator.)
DOUG: Ohhh, poopie!
[Another MST riff, a common line of mad scientist assistant TV's Frank whenever
something went wrong.]
DEVASTATOR: Prepare for termination!
(Gun turret swings back and forth)
DOUG: In front of you! The big guy!
SIPHER: Shoot, dammit!
(Various "helpful hints", improv)
(Devastator crushes the gun turret)
DOUG: Okay, never mind...
SPRINGER: I've got better things to do tonight than die.
ROB: "Suddenly Susan" is on tonight.
[A popular NBC sit-com starring Brooke Shields. Oh, and Judd Nelson.]
(Launcher fires bomb)
SIPHER: (As football announcer) It's a long bomb...
(Bomb nails Devastator in the back)
DOUG: Ooh, he's gonna need a Doan's the size of a minivan.
(Launcher pulls back again)
ROB: It's the LAX baggage-handling system.
(Devastator hurls a chunk of wall at the launcher, Autobots scatter as
the room collapses.)
SIPHER: Oooh, the King Dome!
[Seattle King Dome stadium]
(Perceptor & Grapple behind barricade, Autobot runs forward)
SIPHER: Hey, that was Swoop's leg!
DOUG: Sure it was.
SIPHER: No, really!
ROB: Of course.
SIPHER: It was, dammit!
[At this point in the film, Swoop, the pterodactyl Dinobot, is on the shuttle
with Prime, heading for Earth. Yet the leg that goes by is clearly his. (Well,
if you watch it in slo-mo, anyway.) This animation error is sometimes fondly
referred to as "Swoop's Trick Knee," the one that gets to Earth before the rest
of him.]
(Shot of smoldering Autobot City in the morning)
DOUG: And Allstate is there.
[Standard line from the insurance company's commercials]
MEGATRON: Their defenses are broken! Let the slaughter begin!
SIPHER: Begin? What about all that slaughtering earlier?
DOUG: Rehearsals.
ROB: Something we could have used more of.
OPTIMUS: Dinobots! Destroy Devastator!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love challenge!
SIPHER: - of the GoBots.
ROB: GROAN....
[CHALLENGE OF THE GOBOTS, from Hanna-Barbera, was the closest competition TFs
had genre-wise during their original broadcast. It featured the TFs' closest
toy rivals, Tonka's GoBots. Most TF fans believe the contest wasn't even
close...]
(Dinobots descend.)
GRIMLOCK: Dinobots...
DOUG: MAXIMIZE!
["Maximize" is the "activation code" for beast-to-robot transformation in BEAST
WARS. Specifically, this is a reference to the BW character Dinobot.]
(Grimlock comes down on Devastator.)
DOUG: Whee! Catch me, catch me!
(Devastator kicks Grimlock away.)
SIPHER: HIE KEEBA!
[Old MST riff, picked up from a character's painfully inept display of how he
would defend himself from danger]
(Sludge is hit in the back; eyeballs pop out)
ROB: BOING!
(Devastator lifts Sludge overhead)
SIPHER: Helicopter spin! Do a helicopter spin!
(Slag rams Devastator into a wall. Swoop divebombs, but is trapped
under falling rubble)
OPTIMUS: Megatron must be stopped... no matter the cost.
DOUG: I'll stop any Megatron for forty-nine fifty...
[Based on the commercials for car paint specialist Earl Scheib]
(Prime transforms and drives away)
(Shot of Decepticons charging)
SIPHER: Jerk!
[This is said specifically when a prone Swoop opens his beak for no
apparent reason as Megatron steps over him. There was some space to
fill, that's all.]
(Thrust's reflection in Optimus' grill)
SIPHER: (as Thrust) Oh, I look so fat!
(Thrust is thrown into the air)
ALL: (assorted "oooch!"es and suchlike.)
(Blitzwing takes off to dodge Optimus)
DOUG: Hey, keep it on your side of the road!
(Optimus blasts off)
ROB: Is it the shoes?!
[A recurring catchphrase of NBA basketball announcers, used after especially
impressive jump-shots. Can also be heard in the video game NBA JAM.]
(Optimus blasts Ramjet. Overhead shot of Optimus blasting Dirge and
Soundwave)
SIPHER: (singing) I believe I can fly... I believe I can blow you sky
high...
[Parody of the song "I Believe I Can Fly" from the Warner Brothers movie SPACE
JAM]
(Optimus lands, blasts Kickback & Thundercracker)
DOUG: Why did Op bother sending the Dinobots if he's this good?
(Megatron turns)
MEGATRON: Prime!
ROB: Cuts!
OPTIMUS: One shall stand, one shall fall.
DOUG: Well, THAT'S pretty vague...
MEGATRON: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
OPTIMUS: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
SIPHER: I know you are but what am I!
ROB: Neeeyaaaaaaah.
DOUG: (Good old bilabial fricative, aka "raspberry")
(Megatron tackles Optimus)
ROB: (as wrasslin' announcer) ONE! TWO!
HOT ROD: I've got to help Prime!
KUP: Stay away, lad! That's Prime's fight!
SIPHER: And he wants Joe Frasier!
[Based on a challenge made by Muhammed Ali in his heyday]
(Megatron spears Prime with metal fragment.)
DOUG: I can't believe it, Wally Carbo! A foreign object in the ring!
ROB: Yeah, but here's where Prime clobbers him with a folding chair,
and--oh, wait.
[Just typical WWF-type color commentary]
(Optimus knocks Megatron back into a wall. Megatron grabs an energy
sword)
SIPHER: (as Church Lady) Oh, how conVEENient.
[Dana Carvey's SNL skit character, the woman who's always just a BIT more
proper, more religious, more...superior to you, and she's only too happy to let
you know it]
(Megatron stabs Prime's wound with energy sword.)
DOUG: Ooh! He can't take it there!
[More generic fight commentary]
(Megatrion leaps up, but Prime knocks him away again.)
ROB: DE-NIED!
(Megatron kicks Prime in the face.)
ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! NAA NAA!
[A reference to the comedy group The Frantics. Two of their skits -- one for
the reading of a sadistic will, the other for a class in Tai Kwon Leap --
revolves around giving people the afformentioned assault. The line specifically
referenced here is from the song at the end of "Tai Kwon Leap," about all the
different types of people who deserve boots to the head.]
MEGATRON: I'll rip out your optics!
(Prime levers Megatron into an overhead throw.)
SIPHER: (as Prime) Optics? That reminds me, Megatron, I lost a contact lens
over there! Find it for me, would ya?
KUP: Finish him off, Prime! Do it now!
DOUG: (as MORTAL KOMBAT announcer) Finish him!
[Play the game once, or if it's not your thing, just watch someone play it. The
announcer will encourage the player in this way to perform a special killing
move at the end of a successful round.]
(Prime approaches Megatron, who sees hidden gun.)
ROB: (as Jeremy Crow from SECRET OF NIMH) Oooh, a sssparkly!
[An animated movie by Don Bluth, of AMERICAN TAIL fame. Jeremy (Dom Deluise),
being a crow, has this thing for shiny objects.]
MEGATRON: No more, Optimus Prime! Grant me mercy, I beg of you!
PRIME: You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?
SIPHER: Yeah.
PRIME: I thought you were made of sterner stuff!
HOT ROD: No, you don't, Megatron!
SIPHER: Oh yes, I do!
(Megatron puts Hot Rod in a headlock)
SIPHER: (as Keanu Reeves) What do you do? Shoot the hostage.
[From the movie SPEED. This is the answer Reeves gives at the start of the
movie when his character is taunted by a terrorist who is holding his partner as
a hostage.]
MEGATRON: FALL! FALL!
DOUG: (singing) All the leaves are brown...
[from "California Dreamin'" by The Mamas and the Papas]
(Megatron tosses Hot Rod aside)
MEGATRON: I would've waited an eternity for this.
(Close up of battered Megs)
ALL: (quiet shocked noises, "oooch"es and "whoah"s)
MEGATRON: It's over, Prime.
ROB: What, already? Short movie...
OPTIMUS: _NEVER!!!_
(Optimus wallops Megatron)
SIPHER: (as Stallone) ADRIAN!!!
[from the original ROCKY]
(Megatron tumbles)
DOUG: (as that old lady) I've fallen, and I--
[Based on commercials for emergency-signal pendants for the elderly and infirm]
ROB: No. Don't.
HOT ROD: Optimus, forgive me...
ROB: Well, let me thi--no.
(Shot of Megatron lying on ground, Decepticons surrounding him)
STARSCREAM: How do you feel, mighty Megatron?
SIPHER: (old Jewish guy voice) I make a living...
(Starscream kicks Megatron)
SIPHER: (old Jewish voice) ...hey!
DOUG: That's nice, kick him when he's down.
ROB: Hey, best time to kick them. They're that much closer to your foot.
[Vague reference to a line used by comedian George Wallace.]
STARSCREAM: Astrotrain! Transform and get us out of here!
DOUG: Why? Aren't the Autobots still outnumbered?
MEGATRON: Uhnn...don't leave me, Soundwave...
SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron.
(Astrotrain transforms to train mode.)
SIPHER: Astrotrain leaving for Anaheim, Asuza, Cybertron and
Cucamonga...
[Riffing an annoucement often made by Mel Blanc during various skits on THE JACK
BENNY SHOW]
(Decepticons run towards Astrotrain, Rumble carrying Megatron's
cannon.)
DOUG: Hey, Dad, you forgot somethin'!
ARCEE: The Decepticons are retreating!
KUP: Prime did it! He turned the tide!
DOUG: And now the Decepticons' whites are whiter! Brights brighter!
["Tide", get it?]
(Decepticons enter Astrotrain)
SIPHER: (Snicker) Coach class.
STARSCREAM: Astrotrain! Take off!
ROB: (as one of the McKenzie Bros) To the Great White North!
ALL: (sing the Great White North Theme)
[Bob and Doug McKenzie, two of the less-refined portion of the Canadian
populace. Main characters in skits from SECOND CITY TELEVISION, portrayed by
Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis.]
(Shot of "heartbeat" readout)
ROB: Last week on "ER".
[As in the NBC medical drama.]
SIPHER: Gut-wrenching music time...
PERCEPTOR: I fear the wounds are...fatal.
(Autobots gather around. Kup turns from monitors.)
DOUG: (as Kup) Eh? What? You say somethin'?
DANIEL: Prime, you can't die!
ROB: (as Prime) Watch me, kid.
OPTIMUS: Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.
SIPHER: ...which you hadn't actually heard of until now.
HOT ROD: Prime!
OPTIMUS: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the
Matrix
of Leadership, as it was passed to me.
ULTRA MAGNUS: But Prime... I'm... I'm just a soldier...
SIPHER: Not a belly itcher!
[Kids' baseball taunt: "We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!" Well, perhaps
it made sense at one time...]
ULTRA MAGNUS: I'm not worthy.
ALL: (bowing) We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
[Riffing Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) from the "Wayne's World"
skits on SNL]
OPTIMUS: Nor was I, but one day, an Autobot shall rise from our
ranks...
SIPHER: Criswell predicts!
[A favorite line of the amazing Criswell, charlatan mystic and good friend of Ed
"Plan 9 from Outer Space" Wood]
OPTIMUS: ...and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour.
(Matrix is removed.)
ROB: Cool! A disco ball!
DOUG: Where's John Travolta when you need him?
SIPHER: I've never needed John Travolta, and I don't ever intend to.
[Generally recalling Travolta's disco-centered 70s theatrical release SATURDAY
NIGHT FEVER]
OPTIMUS: Until that day ...'til all are one.
DOUG: Okay, next Thursday good for you, then? (as Matrix falls)
W-w-whoah...
(Prime drops Matrix. Hot Rod catches it, whereupon it glows.)
ROB: Look out, it's gonna blow! (Everybody ducks)
(Hot Rod hands Matrix to Magnus)
SIPHER: Would you sign this, please?
(Magnus puts Matrix in...twice.)
SIPHER: Whoops, little off-center. There.
(EKG flatlines.)
ROB: Oops.
SIPHER: Put it back! Put it back!
(Op's eyes begin to fade)
SIPHER: (As Fred Sanford) I'm comin', 'Lizabeth!
[Comedian Redd Foxx, from the 70s sitcom SANFORD AND SON]
(Optimus turns grey)
DOUG: (singing) ...and the Prime is gray...
[...continuing the "California Dreamin'" reference]
(Optimus' head falls to the side, Daniel cries.)
SIPHER: You know Raksha's smiling at this point.
[Raksha is the name of a particularly strong supporter of the Decepticons.
Refusing to accept what is "bad" or "good" just on corporate say-so, her
interpretation of the TF universe is that the Autobots are oppressive
hypocrites, while the Decepticons are simply battling for the survival of their
race while staying true to their warrior natures. Needless to say, she don't
much like Oppy.]
ROB: Gee, this is a real downer...let's go.
OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!*
-----PAUSE ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP-----
"MUFFIN" SKIT
OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!!*
-----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. UNPAUSE MOVIE-----
(Unicron)
(Unicron's video ball, or whatever)
ROB: (movie announcer voice) Unicron, Sharon Stone, SLIVER.
[The movie SLIVER features Sharon Stone living in an apartment that's wired with
hidden video cameras.]
(Matrix is handed to Magnus)
DOUG: You think Unicron has SenSurround?
SIPHER: They're down at the botttom.
[Reference to the song "Sensurround" by They Might Be Giants]
(Unicron roars)
DOUG: What, his cable reception go bad?
ROB: Worse--it switched to C-SPAN.
SIPHER: Yeeg.
(Astrotrain flying through space)
ASTROTRAIN: Jettison some weight or I'll never make it to Cybertron!
SIPHER: I'm Tommy LaSorda for Slim-Fast.
[Tommy LaSorda, baseball coach, one of the most common celebrity shillers for
Slim-Fast weight-loss shakes.]
STARSCREAM: Fellow Decepticons. Astrotrain has requested that we lighten
our burden!
BONECRUSHER: In that case, I say it is survival of the fittest!
ROB: Evolution takes no prisoners.
[.signature catchphrase of Lizard, contributing MSTF3K writer and TransFan]
STARSCREAM: Do I hear a second on that?
DECEPTICONS: AYE!
DOUG: Ear!
ROB: Nose!
SIPHER: Throat!
STARSCREAM: And against?
DECEPTICONS: Nay!
STARSCREAM: The ayes have it!
DOUG: (weakly) I demand a recount!
(Decepticons push the wounded out)
ROB: We really need a third party.
(Starscream carries Megatron to the door)
STARSCREAM: Oh, how it *pains* me to do this!
SIPHER: Uh-huh.
MEGATRON: Wait! I still function!
STARSCREAM: Wanna bet?
(Starscream tosses Megatron out the door)
MEGATRON: STAAAARSCREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAM...
DOUG: I thought in space, no one could hear you scream...
SIPHER: But they CAN hear you "Starscream."
[Parody of the trailer catch-phrase for the original ALIEN film]
STARSCREAM: Well, as Megatron has, how shall we say, departed...I
nominate myself as the new leader!
DOUG: (as Gomer Pyle) Surprise, surprise, surprise!
[Gomer Pyle was Jim Nabors' country bumpkin character from THE ANDY GRIFFITH
SHOW who later starred in GOMER PYLE, USMC.]
SCRAPPER: Wait! The Constructicons form Devastator, the most powerful
robot! *We* should rule!
ROB: (Skeptical) Uh-huh.
SOUNDWAVE: Soundwave superior. Constructicons inferior.
SIPHER: Zingo!
BONECRUSHER: Who are you calling inferior?
ROB: I thought it was pretty obvious, myself...
HOOK: ... an uncharismatic boor like yourself!
RUMBLE: Hey, nobody calls Soundwave uncrasamatic!
DOUG: 'Cept Hook.
FRENZY: Yeah, let's kick tailgate!
ROB: Why? What did he do?
[Tailgate was one of the Autobot mini vehicles from the third year of TFs]
SCRAPPER: Constructicons, unite!
SIPHER: Liberation NOW!
RUMBLE & FRENZY: No way!
DOUG: (As Wayne) Way!
[Another "Wayne's World" riff]
(Decepticons battle inside Astrotrain.)
ROB: All right! Mosh pit!
SIPHER: It's Rage *Inside* The Machine!
[As opposed to Rage Against the Machine, a heavy industrial band]
(Megatron and Decepticons drift towards Unicron)
(Faint rumble from Unicron)
SIPHER: Sorry.
DOUG: How'd Astrotrain miss THAT?
UNICRON: Megatron.... Welcome, Megatron.
SIPHER: This is your life!
[A reference to the old TV show of the same name]
(Megatron gouges out a handhold on Unicron's horn.)
SIPHER: (as Unicron) I worked six centuries on that finish, you jerk!
MEGATRON: Wh-who said that...?
UNICRON: I...am Unicron.
(Megatron is thrown backwards)
ROB: Whew! Planet breath!
MEGATRON: Show yourself!
SIPHER: The big guy in front of you, dink.
UNICRON: I have summoned you here for a purpose.
DOUG: I've got this itch I can't reach...
[A sort-of reference to Omnipotus, a giant, planet-eating being from the TICK TV
series & comics. While actually a parody of Marvel's Galactus, it still works.]
MEGATRON: Nobody summons Megatron!
UNICRON: Then it pleases me to be the first.
MEGATRON: State your business.
ROB: (as Unicron) Aluminum siding, actually.
UNICRON: This is my command: You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of
Leadership. It is the one thing...
DOUG: (singing from INXS song) "Iiit's the...ooone thing..."
["The One Thing" is an early 80's song from the group INXS (pronounced "in
excess"). Not much has been heard from them in recent years.]
MEGATRON: You have nothing to fear! I have already crushed Optimus
Prime with my bare hands.
SIPHER: Did you wash afterwards?
UNICRON: You exaggerate.
MEGATRON: The point is he's dead and the Matrix died with him!
DOUG: And you know this for a fact?
UNICRON: No, the point is you are a fool! The Matrix has been passed to
their new leader, Ultra Magnus. Destroy it for me.
MEGATRON: Why should I? What's in it for me?
SIPHER: Greedy sucker, ain't he?
UNICRON: Your bargaining posture is highly dubious, but very well. I
will provide you with a new body and new troops to command.
MEGATRON: And...?
DOUG: Ah, more greed.
ROB: Greed is good.
[A reference to the 1987 movie WALL STREET. Michael Douglas' character is a
stockbroker whose philosophy is "Greed is good."]
UNICRON: And nothing! You belong to me now.
MEGATRON: I belong to nobody!
SIPHER: Well, there IS Hasbro.
UNICRON: Perhaps I misjudged you. Proceed on your way to oblivion.
ROB: Prime time on the UPN Network?
[Let's face it, UPN sucks.]
MEGATRON: NOOOO! I ACCEPT YOUR TERMS! I ACCEPT!!!
UNICRON: Excellent.
SIPHER: (As Mr. Burns) Smithers!
[Another SIMPSONS reference. Mr. Burns is the rich, greedy president of a
nuclear power plant in the show. He is prone to saying "Excellent" in a
sinister manner, and relies much on his assistant, Waylan Smithers.]
(Unicron begins CGI scan of Megatron)
DOUG: New from Marvel Comics, it's the Transformers Technical Blueprints.
ROB: Only $19.95!
(Megatron's innards displayed)
SIPHER: Anatomy of a Megatron.
[Vaguely a reference to ANATOMY OF A MURDER, a book Sipher's never read and only
barely remembers the title of.]
UNICRON: Behold--Galvatron! And these shall be your minions. Scourge,
the tracker, and his huntsmen, the Sweeps.
ROB: So how do you tell them apart?
SIPHER: Name tags.
UNICRON: Cyclonus, the warrior, and his armada.
SIPHER: Some armada--one ship.
(Ship slides out from Unicron's side)
DOUG: And use of the company car, too? Wow!
UNICRON: Now go, destroy the Autobot Matrix.
ROB: (as Hawaiian Punch guy) Sure!
[Old commercials for Hawaiian Punch. Punchy, the mascot, would ask the hapless
tourist guy, "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?" The hapless tourist would reply
"Sure!" and promptly get socked in the kisser. This commercial no longer airs
in this kinder, gentler age...]
GALVATRON: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot, until
the Matrix has been destroyed.
SIPHER: And then, I'm going to Disneyland!
[Riffing various commercials for the Magic Kingdom in which some person, fresh
from a big success, is asked what (s)he'll do next.]
GALVATRON: To Cybertron!
DOUG: (a la Buzz Lightyear) ...and beyond!
[As opposed to "To infinity...and beyond!", the catch-phrase of space ranger
Buzz Lightyear from the movie TOY STORY]
(Ship leaves Unicron.)
UNICRON: Destroy the Matrix...
DOUG: (as Basil Fawlty) Yes, dear, I'm *doing* it, dear...
[FAWLTY TOWERS is a British sitcom from a decade or so ago. It starred Monty
Python's John Cleese as Basil Fawlty, proprietor of a rather hectic bed-and-
breakfast business. He was rather henpecked, to boot, of course.]
(Cybertron, coronation ceremony.)
DOUG: You mean *Starscream* won in the end?!
(Trumpets interrupt)
STARSCREAM: Get on with the ceremony!
SIPHER: Hey, this was *your* idea...
(Starscream shoots the Constructicons' horns)
ROB: Well, that'll add to the bill...
DOUG: I wonder who's catering this.
(Astrotrain puts the crown on Starscream)
SIPHER: (singing) The Rascal King behind the bars, or the one in front
of them...
[Line from the song "The Rascal King" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.]
STARSCREAM: My fellow Decepticons, as your new leader, I--gasp!
(Cyclonus approaches)
DOUG: Skywarp! Thundercracker!
[Who supposedly are reformed by Unicron at this point, yet are quite clearly
visible in this scene.]
(Cyclonus scatters the gathered Decepticons)
ROB: Wow, trying to find a parking space is tough....
STARSCREAM: Who disrupts my coronation!?
GALVATRON: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.
DOUG: Oh. Adam Sandler.
[Because Adam Sandler is not funny. Neither is David Spade or Chris Farley, but
there's only so much time to slam that one in there.]
STARSCREAM: Megatron? Is that you?
GALVATRON: Here's a hint!
ROB: Two words. First word, three syllables...
(Galvatron fires, Starscream writhes)
SIPHER: (as dying Starscream) I thought you were gonna give me a hiiiiiinntt....
(Starscream falls to pieces)
ROB: Shadoobee!
ALL: SHAT-TERED!
[Lines from a song by the Rolling Stones]
(Crown tumbles to bottom of stairs, where Galvatron steps on and
crushes it.)
SIPHER: Korean knock-off crown, I see.
GALVATRON: Will anyone *else* attempt to fill his shoes?
DOUG: (As BW Scorponok) Nope!
ROB: (As Waspinator) Not me!
SIPHER: (As Tarantulas) Nonononono.
[From an episode of BEAST WARS. The character Terrorsaur has just blasted away
the villains' leader Megatron and asked the three characters listed above if
anyone else will challenge his right to leadership.]
RUMBLE: What'd he say his name was?
GALVATRON: Galvatron!
ROB: (Arnold Horshack voice) That means, "The cattle are dying."
[Joke from the 70's sitcom WELCOME BACK, KOTTER]
DECEPTICONS: ALL HAIL GALVATRON! GALVATRON!
ALL: UNION! UNION!
(Unicron approaches Moon Base One)
SIPHER: I brake for nobody!
[Another SPACEBALLS riff, this one quoting a bumper sticker on the back of HUGE
starship]
JAZZ: Where'd that come from?
ROB: Well, when a Death Star and a Transformer love each other very much...
CLIFFJUMPER: Who cares? I'm more worried about where it's going!
ROB: Arby's. Roast beef sale.
[Not long ago, Arby's had a commercial campaign in which a guy discovers his
whole town is apparently empty. He finds one man and asks where everyone has
gone...]
(Unicron impales moon)
JAZZ: Talk to me, Earth, we got a situation out here!
SIPHER: (as George Carlin) EVERYthing's a situation, if you think about it!
[Paraphrasing a George Carlin routine, one of many of his about the English
language and most people's common (mis)use of it.]
(Autobot City, Daniel giving "little more" arm gesture)
DOUG: So why's *Daniel* the foreman?
JAZZ: Roger me, wilco me, anything! Hello, hello, Earth!
BLASTER: I'm picking up a faint signal!
ROB: It's the King Biscuit Flour Hour!
[A long-standing rock concert]
JAZZ: This is Jazz! A gi-normous, weird-lookin' planet just showed up in
the suburbs of Cybertron!
SIPHER: Get a gi-normous, weird-looking planet full of savings at Manard's!
[Manard's is apparently a regional department store in the north central U.S.
The MST guys riff the commercials for it frequently, as the company rep in the
commercials has a rather distinct way of speaking.]
(Radio bursts into interference)
MAGNUS: Jazz! Cliffjumper!
(Jazz & Cliffjumper rush to shuttle)
JAZZ: Got to blast free if we can!
ROB: Not as if you have a whole lot of options.
CLIFFJUMPER: Ignition and...
JAZZ: Hit it!
SIPHER: Get down!
DOUG: Boogie tonight!
(Ship rockets off, but sputters)
DOUG: Pilot light's out!
CLIFFJUMPER: Jazz! We're not getting away!
ROB: (singing) Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta heeere...
[From the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.]
(Ship tumbles into Unicron's maw)
SPIKE: This is Spike and Bumblebee, up here on Moon Base Two.
DOUG: Naw.
BUMBLEBEE: This thing, this monster planet just ripped the first moon to
shreds!
SPIKE: And it's heading this way!
BUMBLEBEE: We'll try and slow it down...
SPIKE: But you'd better get here fast, because we're not gonna...
ROB: ...be wearing any pants!
SPIKE: Bumblebee, activate the explosives!
(Bumblebee fiddling with equipment)
SIPHER: Yeah, you dropped the trannie right outta the middle there...
["Trannie" as in "transmission," not as in the TF fan awards created by Robert
Jung]
BUMBLEBEE: If this doesn't stop it, nothing will.
(Bumblebee runs to command center)
BUMBLEBEE: The explosives are activated! Let's get out of here!
DOUG: Naw, I thought we'd stay and watch from up close.
BUMBLEBEE: Hurry! It's gonna blow!!
ROB: That's what you WANT it to do, right?
(Ship takes off)
(Moon explodes as Unicron pulls it in)
ALL: YOW!
(Bumblebee is tossed around as ship spins)
SIPHER: Shoulda been in his child safety seat...
(Bumblebee & Spike cheer, but stop suddenly)
BUMBLEBEE: Look!
SPIKE: It isn't even dented!
DOUG: Unicron uses Armor-All.
SPIKE: (Oh shit,) what are we gonna do now?
SIPHER: Scream. Die maybe.
(Ship tumbles backwards)
BUMBLEBEE: We're being sucked into it!
DOUG: (as Butthead) Uh huh-huh...uh huh-huh-huh...
[Obvious reference to MTV's BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD show, whose two main characters
"huh-huh" at anything that can be even vaguely construed as dirty.]
(On Cybertron)
GALVATRON: How dare Unicron! Cybertron and all its moons belong to me!
(Galvatron is consumed in pain)
DOUG: He's got tinnitis!
SCOURGE: But remember, WE belong to HIM.
ROB: He's got the receipt to prove it, too.
GALVATRON: I belong... to... nobody...
SIPHER: But...no one...doesn't belong...to...Sarah Lee...
[As opposed to the commercial jingle, "Nobody doesn't love Sarah Lee."]
(Galvatron tumbles)
DOUG: Chevy Galvatron Chase.
[SNL veteran Chevy Chase is famous for his slapstick routines in which he trips
and/or falls at the slightest opportunity, in a parody of former US President
Gerald Ford.]
GALVATRON: I will obey... Unicron... Decepticons, to Earth!
(Earth)
MAGNUS: Autobots, prepare to board the shuttles. This new menace is
more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together.
ROB: Barney?
MAGNUS: Somehow we must destroy it, before it devours Cybertron.
DOUG: Rush Limbaugh?
[Normally, fat jokes aren't funny, but it's Rush Limbaugh, so who cares?]
DANIEL: But what about my dad? He's on the moon between that monster
planet and Cybertron.
MAGNUS: Daniel...
PERSON (as Magnus) ...I believe the expression is "Tough noogies."
SPRINGER: And what do we do when we get there?
ROB: Panic!
SPRINGER: If that thing crunches moons, it's gonna make short work of
us.
MAGNUS: Maybe the Matrix can stop it.
HOT ROD: You're right, it can!
KUP: What do you know about it, lad?
ROB: What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?
[Gary Coleman's famous catch-phrase from the 80s sitcom DIFFR'NT STROKES]
HOT ROD: I just have this feeling...
SIPHER: (singing badly) I'm hooked on a feeeeliiiiiing...
DOUG: Damn you, Sipher.
[Really lame 70's song.]
SPRINGER: Look!
SIPHER: Up in the--
ROB: No, don't.
[Aborted reference to Superman, for those few who didn't know.]
MAGNUS: To the shuttles!
GALVATRON: I, Galvatron, will crush you just as Megatron crushed Prime.
MAGNUS: And you'll die trying, just like Megatron!
ROB: Ouch. Zing.
GALVATRON: Autobot scrap!
SCOURGE: You want me to gut Ultra Magnus?
GAVATRON: There are plenty of Autobots for you. Ultra Magnus is *mine*.
ROB: Galvatron sounds like Bob Dole.
DOUG: (as Bob Dole) Where's the outrage?!
[Bob Dole ran for president in 1994 against Bill Clinton. "Where's the outrage"
was a phrase he used asking why the American public wasn't more upset over the
contents of TV shows.]
ARCEE: Stay close to me, Daniel!
HOT ROD: And *you'd* better stay close to me!
ARCEE: No, *you'd* better stay close to *me!*
SIPHER: You go, girl!
(Blurr tries to get the Dinobots on the shuttle)
BLURR: Comeondinonicedinosweetdinocomeonintotheshuttle...
DOUG: There's ice cream!
ROB: Godzilla's waiting!
SIPHER: They're showing "Toy Story"!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not nice dino! Me bash brains!
DOUG: That might explain a few things...
(Grimlock scorches Cyclonus piloted by Galvatron, who shakes his fist)
DOUG: Rassafrassin' rackafrack...
[In the manner of Yosemite Sam]
(Grimlock torches passing Sweep)
ROB: Mmmm, flame-broiled Sweep!
MAGNUS: Blurr, get the Dinobots in the shuttle!
BLURR: I'mTryingToGetThemInTheShuttleUltraMagnus...
SIPHER: My head hurts.
BLURR: ...ButICan'tSeemToGetThemInTheShuttle'CauseThey'reImpossible
ImpossibleImpossible!
MAGNUS: OK, forget it!
DOUG: Leave 'em!
MAGNUS: Kup, Hot Rod, you guys get the Dinobots aboard and get out of
here!
(Hot Rod lassoes Grimlock)
DOUG: Next, on the Nashville Network...
[The Nashville Network is a basic cable channel featuring line dancing roughly
twenty hours a day. We assume there's also rodeos and other "Suthern" activities
featured on there, but line dancing seems to be the biggie.]
HOT ROD: Come on you big bozo, get in the shuttle.
ROB: Which would you rather lasso--Grimlock or a bull?
SIPHER: Bull.
DOUG: Yeah.
KUP: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha 9; the petrorabbits were--
Grimlock, get your noodle outta my face!
SIPHER: (As Homer Simpson) Mmmm...noodles...
[Another reference to Homer Simpson]
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love Kup's war stories!
KUP: You're living one now!
ROB: Grimlock, this is your war!
[Yet another THIS IS YOUR LIFE riff.]
GRIMLOCK: Tell Grimlock about petrorabbits again!
KUP: I'll give you petrorabbits! Contact!
SIPHER: (singing) It's the answer...
ROB: (singing) It's the reason...
DOUG: (singing) ...that everything happens...
[The first lines from the theme song to 3-2-1 CONTACT!, a PBS science-for-kids
show from the early to mid-80s. Home of "The Bloodhound Gang" (NOT the group
who sings "Fire Water Burn"), if that rings a bell.]
(Kup and Hot Rod's shuttle starts to take off.)
SPRINGER: Looks like we're shipmates, squirt.
SIPHER: Oh, be still MY beating heart...
SPRINGER: But if you get spacesick, you're gonna walk home!
ROB: And I don't do diapers, either.
MAGNUS: Hurry!
SIPHER: I'm working on it! Jeez!
DANIEL: Wait, Ultra Magnus! Arcee's still out there!
DOUG: Don't you just hate late arrivals?
(Shuttle lifts as Arcee runs towards the ramp)
ROB: Hey! Come back here! STOP!!
SPRINGER: Jump!
DOUG: How high?
(Arcee catches the shuttle's ramp)
SIPHER: Good thing she has magnetic palms.
(Springer reaches for Arcee's hand)
SIPHER: (as E.T.) Ouch.
[Parodying the sequence from the movie E.T. in which the friendly alien touches
fingertips with his human friend]
ARCEE: Thanks.
DANIEL: That was close!
SPRINGER: Believe it or not, this is the fun part.
ROB: Remind me to talk about your definition of "fun" sometime.
[Direct quote from the Autobot Windcharger, speaking to his companion Brawn in
the TRANSFORMERS cartoon episode "Fire on the Mountain." Brawn had just
referred to some rather spirited fighting with Decepticons as "fun".]
MAGNUS: Congratulations, Autobots, we've lost them, so rest while you
can.
SIPHER: They lost the Cons just by taking off?
KUP: Yep, I remember the dust was so thick on Beta 4, you had to use
windshield wipers on your optic sensors.
SIPHER: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
[Quoting from an old Bill Cosby routine about Noah, the dude who built the Ark
(in the Bible, not the TF comics). Noah would respond to the rather outlandish
claims the Lord was making every time with "Riiiiiiight."]
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock know all about wipers!
ROB: I am de wiper!
[Quoting from the G.I. JOE TV series episode "The Viper," a rather amusing
episode centered entirely around a rather old gag.]
GRIMLOCK: Want to hear good part of story!
(Grimlock knocks Swoop over)
SWOOP: Good part, Kup! Tell Swoop good part!
SIPHER: "The End."
KUP: Okay, okay! Well, the dust was really thick. And then this
gigantic Igyac came tromping and stomping down the mountain, flame
spewing out of its nostrils, and I thought for sure...
HOT ROD: Hey Kup, don't you think we have better things to do now than
tell old stories?
KUP: Like what?
ROB: "Seinfeld" is on!
HOT ROD: Like maybe figure out how we're going to rescue our friends and
then save Cybertron.
DOUG: That simple, huh?
GRIMLOCK: No, tell story!
DINOBOTS: Shhhh. Quiet. Tell story. We want to hear story. Tell
story.
(Combat drone attacks Hot Rod from behind)
SIPHER: (As Nelson) Ha ha!
[Yet another SIMPSONS reference. Nelson Muntz is the school bully, forever
annoying others with his taunting laugh.]
COMBAT DRONE: Bzzzzt!! Timeout, timeout, timeout!
ROB: Sore winner.
(The Decepticons start attacking the shuttles. The first missile volley
misses, but doubles back.)
SIPHER: Back this way, Dave! Come on!
HOT ROD: They're closing on us!
KUP: Yep, like the shrikebats of Dromadon.
DOUG: Dramamine?
HOT ROD: How'd you beat them?
KUP: I'm trying to remember; there were an awful lot of casualties that
day. Oh, yeah! We inverted polarities!
ROB: I had inverted polarities once. There's a salve for it, you know.
SIPHER: Thank you.
HOT ROD:They're comin' back!
(Rockets reverse direction, explode in front of Hot Rod and Kup's
shuttle)
SIPHER: So much for *that* brilliant idea.
HOT ROD: All right, we survived that!
KUP: Yeah, but will we survive this?
DOUG: Will they survive? Tune in next time, when we'll hear Galvatron
say:
GALVATRON: Cyclonus, transform and attack.
(Cyclonus tranforms and attacks the shuttle)
ROB: And Magnus is just sitting and watching all this?
SIPHER: He's taping it, even.
KUP: I can't control it.
SIPHER: Sounds like a personal problem.
HOT ROD: We're gonna crash!
(Shuttle smashes through a planet ring)
DOUG: Oh no, the tram rail!
SPRINGER: Kup and Hot Rod just bought it!
MAGNUS: I can't deal with that now!
ROB: I'm trying to locate my anger.
SPRINGER: Face it, Magnus, the Decepticons are going to dog us until
they see us dead.
MAGNUS: Then that's exactly what they're gonna to see.
ALL: *Huh?!*
MAGNUS: Prepare for emergency separation!
PERCEPTOR: That's too dangerous!
MAGNUS: What choice to we have?
SIPHER: Well, maybe if you'd put some GUNS on your ships...
(Galvatron lauches missiles, which fly neck-and-neck towards shuttle)
DOUG: (as various missiles) Me first! No me first!
(Autobot shuttle explodes)
ALL: Oooh...
SCOURGE:The Autobots have been terminated.
GALVATRON: Excellent. And the Matrix with them.
(Galvatron keels over from the pain)
DOUG: Wouldn't it have been easier if Unicron had used the radio?
GALVATRON: Unicron! WHY?!
SIPHER: Because we love you!
[Riffing the old closing sequence from THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB show]
GALVATRON: Take me to Unicron! Take me now!
(Back to interior of Magnus' shuttle.)
ARCEE: Did we have to let them detonate 3 quarters of the ship?
SPRINGER: Seeing as how they would have detonated 4 quarters, I think it
was a good choice.
SIPHER: The ship's only worth a dollar?
ARCEE: But now how are we going to get there in this wreck?
MAGNUS: Perceptor, can you locate a place to set down for repairs?
PERCEPTOR: Gamma waves in this region of space create marginal
navigation probabilities.. However...
(Ultra Magnus just taps the side of his head)
All: (quiet snickers)
PERCEPTOR: Ahem, yes I believe I can. The planet of Junk is in this
vicinity.
ROB: *There's* an encouraging thought.
(Underwater Quintessa. Various metal fishes eating each other.)
DOUG: REALLY Wild Kingdom.
[Another reference to Marlin Perkins' nature show.]
HOT ROD: Kup! Grimlock! Slag! Anybody!
DOUG: Janet! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky!
["Roll call" exchange from the cult film THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW]
SIPHER: (as Rocky J. Squirrel) Again?
[Double reference--first to the Jay Ward cartoon ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE, and
second to the MST episode FUGITIVE ALIEN, which contained a character named
Rocky. Almost every time his name was mentioned, one of the MST group would go
"Again?" a la Rocky Squirrel.]
(Hot Rod turns his hand into a saw blade)
DOUG: (singing) "Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..."
[A song from the MONTY PYTHON TV series]
KUP: Hot Rod! Help me!
HOT ROD: Kup!
(Hot Rod transforms and drives off)
SIPHER: He gets great traction underwater.
HOT ROD: Kuuup!
ROB: Elaaaaaine...!
KUP: Help...
(Giant mecha-squid appears)
SIPHER: It's Sushitron!
(Hot Rod slices off a few tentacles)
DOUG: Save me a slice o' that...
SIPHER: (as Cajun Chef) Good stock, I guar-on-tee!
[Justin Wilson, the Cajun Chef, from the cooking show of the same name]
(Hot Rod shoots squid in the eye, which shatters)
ROB: My contact!
SIPHER: You big jerk!
(Squid runs away, spraying ink)
DOUG: Uugh.
SIPHER: Oh, I hope he meant to do that.
HOT ROD: Kup! Talk to me!
DOUG: (as Tin Woodsman) Oil can!
[WIZARD OF OZ reference #1]
KUP: Pffff! Fffix me!
DOUG: (as Tin Woodsman) Oil can!!
HOT ROD: Sure, Kup! Right away!
(Hot Rod collects Kup's pieces)
ROB: Good thing his limbs popped off clean.
(Hot Rod carries Kup to the shore.)
DOUG: (as Tin Woodsman) Well, that's you, Kup, all over.
[WIZARD OF OZ reference #2]
(Other shuttle approaches Junk.)
MAGNUS: Brace for impact!!
SIPHER: Stick your head between your knees, and...
(The shuttle makes a rough landing)
DOUG: That's hell on the finish...
MAGNUS: Say something...
SIPHER: Something.
MAGNUS: ...anybody!
ALL: Anybody.
SPRINGER: Remind me to give the auto-pilot a raise.
ROB: Why? It *crashed!*
ARCEE: Daniel?
DANIEL: I'm okay.
DOUG: Darn.
MAGNUS: Let's try to salvage this thing.
DANIEL: Can I help too?
ROB: No.
SPRINGER: It's rough out there, kid.
ARCEE: I think Daniel can make himself useful with this.
DOUG: An iron lung?
DANIEL: Dad's exo-suit! He told me all about it!
SIPHER: So why's it here and not with Dad?
ARCEE: Here, try it on.
ROB: Does it have a panel in the back like his pajamas?
DOUG: Nah, it's got hoses.
SIPHER: (head in his hands) I didn't need to hear that.
ARCEE: Now try to walk. Come on, you can do it!
(Daniel stumbles and falls a couple of times)
SPRINGER: Just think about what you want to do before you do it.
DOUG: What, and break a lifetime habit?
DANIEL: It's kinda tricky ...woah, uh!
(Daniel somersaults)
ROB: 8.6!
DOUG: 7.5!
SIPHER: And the Russian judge gives him a three!
ARCEE: Keep on practicing. You'll get the hang of it.
MAGNUS: Come on, showtime's over, we've got work to do.
DOUG: Party pooper.
DANIEL: *whistles* This must be the junk capital of the universe.
ROB: Trenton?
[Trenton, New Jersey. The butt of many, many, MANY jokes.]
(Wreck-Gar and the Junkions emerge from the surrounding junk.)
WRECK-GAR: Stop, thief!
SIPHER: Happy birthday!
[Riffing the old Rankin-Bass animated-puppet Christmas special FROSTY THE
SNOWMAN. This line is what Frosty says when he first comes to life.]
WRECK-GAR: No welcome-wagon "Hello, stranger," with that new coffee
flavor for you!
SIPHER: Oh, cool.
WRECK-GAR: Offer expires while you wait. Operators are standing by.
DOUG: I don't know what that means, but it sounds menacing.
SIPHER: Time to break...
OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!*
-----PAUSE ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP-----
"TRIVIA MASTERS" SKIT
-----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. UNPAUSE MOVIE-----
HOT ROD: That does it! Well, what do you think?
DOUG: (making "okay" sign) It stinks!
[Referencing another MST episode, THE POD PEOPLE. One of the characters is
asked what he thinks of his amateur band's performance. He then makes an okay
sign but replies, "It stinks!" This quickly became a running gag on MST
thereafter.]
(Kup tests his reassembled body.)
KUP: Of all the circuit-glitched, diode-blowin' dim-wittery--you left a
piece out!
SIPHER: "Circuit-glitched"?
DOUG: "Diode-blowing"?
ROB: "Dim-wittery"?
KUP: ...all things considered, you did an amazing job, lad. Amazing.
HOT ROD: Really?
ROB: No.
KUP: Yeah, you even got rid of a nasty burr in my rotator.
DOUG: Rotator? I barely knew 'er!
[Said a la Groucho Marx]
KUP: Now let's get the Dinobots and get off this twisted planet.
(Hot Rod and Kup, transform, drive a bit, then meet Gatorcons.)
KUP: Don't act hostile, I'll use the universal greeting.
HOT ROD: Universal greeting?
SIPHER: It begins with "Don't shoot."
KUP: Watch, I'll have them eating out of my hand. Bah weep graaagnah
wheep, ni ni bong.
HOT ROD: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong?
ALL: (assorted quiet snickers)
GATORCONS: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong!
KUP: See? The universal greeting works every time! Now, without making
any sudden moves, offer them an energon goodie.
ROB: See our White Bot's Magic!
[Parody of the "white man's magic" line from old, cheesy jungle adventure films]
(Gatorcons crowd Hot Rod & Kup)
HOT ROD: This is getting expensive!
KUP: Don't worry, they'll reciprocate!
DOUG: Huh? They'll make rain?
SIPHER: No, that's precipitate.
DOUG: Oh.
HOT ROD: I thought they were supposed to reciprocate! No more!
ALL: (a la Chris Rock routine) *HUH?!*
[On the Chris Rock CD ROLL WITH THE NEW, the opening track starts with a (fake)
scene before a Chris Rock show, in which you can *just* hear what various
members of the audience are yelling at the announcer. The announcer, after
telling about various upcoming events, gets the audience really psyched up about
Chris Rock, then IMMEDIATELY says "But first, let's bring out his opening
act...." At that point the ENTIRE audience gasps "*HUH?!* You just have to
hear it, really.]
KUP: Empty!
(Alligatorcons transform and attack)
SIPHER: Oh, wait--that was the Universal INSULT. My mistake. Sorry.
ROB: Not me, not me! Take the boy!
(Wheelie vaults over a hill to see Hot Rod getting hogpiled)
ROB: Monkeypile on the Autobots!
(Wheelie follows Kup and Hot Rod until they're taken inside.)
KUP: Reminds me of the Nitith slave mines on Golganoth 7.
HOTROD: *Every*place reminds you of someplace else.
SIPHER: Alzheimer's.
[Actually, Alzheimer's makes you FORGET things. Just a lame "old" joke.]
KUP: Experience, lad. You should learn to appreciate it.
HOT ROD: Lot of good it's done us so far.
SIPHER: Bitch, bitch, bitch.
HOT ROD: Hey, what's going on over there?
DOUG: Dinner theater.
QUINT BAILIFF: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?
QUINT JUDGE: I have.
ROB: (Snickering) It's H.R. Giger's faberge' egg.
(Assorted snickers from the Peanut Gallery)
[H.R. Giger is, of course, the artist reknown for his creepy futuristic art
designs. His most famous works are for the movies SPECIES and the ALIEN
series.]
QUINT JUDGE: Innocent.
QUINT BAILIFF: Feed him to the Sharkticons.
SIPHER: You'd think after all these centuries he wouldn't have to tell
them that by now.
(Robot plummets, Sharkticons pounce)
ALL: Sharkticons ripped my flesh! Rizz!
[Parody of the song "Weasels Ripped My Flesh" by Frank Zappa]
HOT ROD: We've got to get a new travel agent.
ROB: Or take a Carnival Cruise.
DOUG: No, I'd rather deal with Sharkticons than Kathie Lee's singing.
HOT ROD: What is this place?
KRANIX: The world of the savage Sharkticons, and their cruel masters,
the Quintessons.
SIPHER: Party capital of the universe!
KRANIX: I am Kranix, my planet was destroyed by Unicron.
HOT ROD: Unicron? Who's Unicron?
KRANIX: A planet that devours everything in its path.
KUP: So that's the monster's name.
(Quintesson Guards enter the cell and drag Kranix away)
DOUG: All right, you provide exposition, now time you die!
KRANIX: No please, I'm the last survivor of Lithone! No, no!
SIPHER: Sucks to be you, don't it?
HOT ROD: Let him go! Aaaa!
(Electrified bars force Hot Rod back)
ALL (singing) Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence!
[A song from MTV's REN AND STIMPY cartoon show.]
BAILIFF: Soon, you too shall recieve your sentence.
(Cell door shuts.)
BAILIFF: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?
DOUG: Hung jury!
ROB: Retrial!
SIPHER: Nah, just take 'em to civil court.
[Generic court case results, though the last gag was written with the O.J.
Simpson murder trials in mind. If you can't win in criminal court, be petty and
take them to civil...]
BAILIFF: Guilty or innocent?
KRANIX: Spare me this mockery of justice!
DOUG: Spare me this moment of melodrama!
QUINT BAILIFF: I repeat; guilty or innocent?
(Quint Judge does a face shift)
SIPHER: (Snickering) The Easter Bunny's been shooting up, I see...
QUINT JUDGE: Innocent.
(Kranix is tossed to the Sharkticons)
KRANIX: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
ROB: I've got tubes in my ears!
(Kranix emerges from the water)
SIPHER: All right...now!
(Sharkticons pounce on him)
KUP: Not the end I'd wish for, lad.
SIPHER: I'd kinda wished to end with whipped cream and Galaxina.
DOUG: WHOAH.
ROB: Okay, that's enough...
[Galaxina is a decidedly female robot from the movie of the same name.]
(Swoop flies over Quintessa, lands in front of other Dinobots)
SWOOP: Me Swoop no see nothing.
ROB: So you saw something, then.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock positive Hot Rod and Kup close!
SIPHER: They're great friends.
SLAG: Me Slag say you full of berrylium baloney!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say you full of cesium salami!
SLAG: Berrylium baloney!
ROB: Next, on "Crossfire..."
[CROSSFIRE is a television show with debates on socio-political topics.]
WHEELIE: Friend find, look behind.
DOUG: Gosh, wow, dino chow!
SIPHER: Oh no.
(Wheelie climbs on Sludge)
ROB: Ride the Wild Sludge!
WHEELIE: Friend find, look behind. You go wrong way. You fool, I say.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock fool?
SIPHER: He's still alive, ain't he?
WHEELIE: Picture you got, no fool you not! (Laughs)
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no like you!
DOUG: You and a lot of others.
(Grimlock smacks Wheelie)
ROB: YES!
(Wheelie hits Grimlock in the nose with his slingshot)
GRIMLOCK: Ow!
ROB: Aw, did Grimlock get a boo-boo?
SIPHER: Maybe Wheelie will kiss it and make it better.
DOUG: Maybe Grimlock can eat Wheelie afterwards.
ROB: Dream on.
WHEELIE: Me Wheelie say, find friends today!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say, we on our way!
SIPHER: Oh, no! It's contagious!
DOUG: No way, Jose.
ROB: & SIPHER: Agggggggh!
(Unicron)
GALVATRON: Unicron, why do you torture me?
DOUG: No cable?
UNICRON: You have failed.
GALVATRON: No, Unicron! Ultra Magnus is dead and the Matrix destroyed.
UNICRON: The Matrix has not been destroyed, and Ultra Magnus lives, on
the planet of Junk. Stalk him. Tear him apart. And destroy
the Matrix.
ROB: Hey, *you* have all the answers, why don't *you* do the job?
(Planet of Junk)
PERCEPTOR: Be sure the fittings are securely welded.
SIPHER: You bossin' dis crew?
BLURR: AbsolutelyPositivelyDefinitely!IWouldn'tDoItAnyOtherWay,AnyOther
WayAtAll!
DANIEL: Whoah, this exo-suit's fantastic! I think I'm starting to get
the hang of it!
DOUG: The boy in the bubble.
[Reference to the story of a young boy who apparently had absolutely no immune
system whatsoever, so had to live inside a giant bubble, wear what was
essentially a space suit, etc. Also the name of a really good Paul Simon song.]
WRECK-GAR: Forward, avanti, and, like, go for the gusto!
(Decepticons fly overhead)
WRECK-GAR: Hang on...
MAGNUS: Decepticons! We've got to draw them off and double back to the
shuttle.
ROB: Sounds like a dumb plan.
(Shuttle explodes)
SIPHER: Gee, I hope they had insurance on that.
SPRINGER: There goes the shuttle!
SIPHER: There goes my rental deposit!
DOUG: See? Dumb plan.
DANIEL: What do I do?!
BLURR: Transform!Transform!Youcandoit!Iknowyoucandoit!Youcandoit!
(Blurr transforms and speeds off)
SIPHER: They ditched him!
ROB: Good.
DANIEL: Transform!
(Laser fire erupts in front of him, Scavenger & Shrapnel land in front
of him.)
DOUG: *Shrapnel?!*
[Also presumed reformed by Unicron at this point]
SCAVENGER: Human germ!
DANIEL: Transform!
(The exo-suit transforms. Daniel runs over the Decepticons)
ROB: Hey, that's just a learner's permit!
GALVATRON: There they are! Attack!
SIPHER: Y'know, you'd think Unicron would've given him a better sense of
strategy along with the new body...
MAGNUS: Make a break for cover! I'll try to unleash the power of the
Matrix!
DOUG: Man, how does he keep coming up with these lousy plans?
ALL: 'Til all are one!
MAGNUS: 'Til all are one!
(Decepticons land and corner Magnus.)
DOUG: He's not good with pickle jars, either.
ULTRA MAGNUS: Open, dammit, open!
ROB: Ooh, a dirty word!
MAGNUS: Prime, you said the Matrix would light our darkest hour.
SIPHER: (as Ahnult) I lied.
[Arnold Schwarzenegger in COMMANDO(?)]
GALVATRON: Magnus, I want the Matrix.
ULTRA MAGNUS: Never!
SIPHER: Get your own!
GALVATRON: Sweeps, terminate him!
(Scourge and the Sweeps fire on Magnus.)
MAGNUS: (Groans)
GALVATRON: Die! Die!
ROB: Duuuuuh, okay!
(Magnus falls and explodes. Galvatron catches Matrix.)
SIPHER: And Ultra Magnus pops out to center field...
[Baseball joke. When Ultra Magnus pops out to center field, he really
pops out to center field!]
GALVATRON: Unicron, my master, with this I shall make you my slave.
SIPHER: How, exactly?
UNICRON: (Roars)
DOUG: Yeah. That'll work.
(Scene change back to Quintesson courtroom.)
BAILIFF: Before his imperial magistrate delivers a verdict, would you
like to beg for your life?
SIPHER: (desperate voice) Yes!!
BAILIFF: It sometimes helps, but not often.
SIPHER: Encouraging.
KUP: I can't transform.
HOT ROD: Keep trying.
JUDGE: Silence, or you'll be held in contempt of this court.
HOT ROD: I have nothing *but* contempt for this court!
ALL: OUCH.
BAILIFF: Guilty or innocent?
JUDGE: Innocent.
ROB: Like it matters.
(Hot Rod and Kup are dropped in with the Sharkticons.)
HOT ROD: They've got more Sharkticons than we have photon charges!
KUP: Then lets hold a demolition derby!
SIPHER: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
[Standard announcer's line for commercials for such things as demolition
derbies, tractor pulls, etc.]
(Hot Rod & Kup transform. Sharkticon looks down)
DOUG: Huh? Hey, Steve, check it out!
(Sharkticons dive)
ROB: Hey, Bill found 'em! Down there!
SIPHER: Never seen 'em do that before...
(Kup and Hot Rod start lapping Sharkticons and churning up pool)
SIPHER: They're crazy! Get out! Save yourselves!
(Whirpool forms, Hot Rod & Kup leap out, carried by momentum)
(First Sharkticons get rammed)
DOUG: Jeez! Tony, look out! He's crazy!
SIPHER: Wasn't there a pit there just a second ago?
HOT ROD: Hahaha! Didn't even bend a fender! Haha!
ROB: RUN, you idiots!
KUP: ...there're a lot more of those cam-diggin', grill-crackin' things.
DOUG: Boy, he's just king of the adjective, ain't he?
HOT ROD: We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one
humongous repair bill!
DOUG: There's a legacy to leave the grandkids.
SIPHER: He's not going to *have* any grandkids at this rate.
ROB: Good.
(Hot Rod knocks out one Sharkticon's teeth)
DOUG: Free dental work...
(Hot Rod dodges injured Sharkticon, which rakes off another Sharkticon's
face)
DOUG: ...and face lifts.
SIPHER: Face drops.
DOUG: Oh.
QUINT BAILIFF: EXECUTE THEM!
ROB: While I run and and hide!
(Courtrom door crushes Bailiff; Dinobots tromp in)
SLAG: Excuse me!
ROB: At least he was polite about it...
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock want to munch metal!
SIPHER: Me not eaten since yesterday!
(Sharkticons cower as shadow looms over them...)
SIPHER: Ladies and gentlemen...
(Sludge crushes several underfoot)
SIPHER: ...STOMP!
[Stomp is a performance group who dance on various surfaces to make rhythmic
sounds]
(Swoop tosses a few Sharkticons around)
ROB: Cannonball!!
HOT ROD: Ha ha! I never thought I'd be so happy to see those big bozos.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock no bozo, me king!
DOUG: King Bozo!
JUDGE: Sharkticons, execute them!
(Sharkticons transform)
DOUG: THAT was pointless.
[Obviously thrown in there just to say, "Look! It transforms! Buy the toy!"]
(Grimlock roars and stomps.)
ALL: (Bounce in seats in time w. stomp) Whoah!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock say execute them!
(Sharkticons look at each other and smile)
SIPHER: (evil-sounding laugh)
(Sharkticons charge the Quints)
KUP: I think the problems on this planet will be solved very shortly.
ROB: That's what happens when you don't give them pay raises.
HOT ROD: ... We need a ship.
WHEELIE: You get ship if I get trip!
HOT ROD: Who're you?
GRIMLOCK: Him Wheelie! Him friend!
DOUG: Him annoying!
HOT ROD: He'll be mine too if he can find a ship.
WHEELIE: Give stare over there!
ROB: (whimpers)
KUP: That's a ship?
HOT ROD: Who cares, as long as it flies.
SIPHER: So you're not worried about the landing, then?
DOUG: Let's go.
OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!*
-----PAUSE ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP-----
"I HATE WHEELIE" SKIT
-----HOUSE LIGHTS OFF. UNPAUSE MOVIE-----
(Parts of Ultra Magnus lie scattered)
ROB: I'm guessing there's really lax littering laws here.
[Because it's a planet of junk, see? Comedy! Join us!]
ARCEE: Ultra Magnus...
BLURR: WithouttheMatrixthereisnohopenohopenohopeatall.
ARCEE: First Prime, now Ultra Magnus. What do we do?
SIPHER: Me? I'm going on break. This sucks.
DANIEL: Look!
WRECK-GAR: Don't look behind door number two, Monty!
DOUG: TAKE THE BOX!
[Running with the reference to Monty Hall, host of the game show LET'S MAKE A
DEAL!, which often had contestants choose to either take a prize they've been
shown, or instead take an unknown item from behind Doors Number One, Two or
Three, or sometimes from In The Box...of course, running the risk of ending up
with the booby prize.]
WRECK-GAR: It's time to play "End of the Line," my valentine! Ge-ronny-
doo-ron-ron-ronny-moooo!
SIPHER: (Pumps fist in the air) YES!
(Autobots scramble as Junkions charge)
ROB: They're being attacked by a race of Then Came Bronsons!
[A reference to the 1969 TV movie/series THEN CAME BRONSON]
(Springer pulls one Junkion into a crash.)
DOUG: Ooh, road rash!
SIPHER: Nope--no roads.
(Junkions switch positions and take off.)
DOUG: Now THAT'S a neat trick!
(Two Junkion pairs try to net Blurr)
SIPHER: Hey, wait a minute. There's bits of dolphin in this net!
[Vaguely mean referrence to the fact that dolphins get caught in tuna nets,
which of course is Bad(tm) because dolphins are cute. F@$! the tuna.]
(Arcee takes down another duo, who also switch places.)
SPRINGER: It's not hard to knock 'em down--it's gettin' 'em to *stay*
down that's the trick!
ARCEE: They're indestructible!
DANIEL: And they're everywhere!
ROB: Yeah, like Wal-Marts!
[If you don't have a Wal-Mart near you, you will soon. That face on Mars?
Ancient Wal-Mart.]
WRECK-GAR: You check in, but you don't check out!
SIPHER: Let's see if you're READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!
[This one's kinda involved.... "Ready for some football" comes from an old
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL opener sung by country star Hank Williams, Jr. It was
pretty much forgotten until the MST3K episode LASERBLAST, in which one of the
idiot cop characters bears a strong resemblance to Mr. Williams, plus about a
hundred pounds. The phrase "ready for some football" was tossed around a LOT.
It's funny. Trust us.]
(Springer and Wreck-Gar duel; Wreck-Gar charges as Springer bogs down)
SIPHER: There can be only one!
[Referring to the crux of the HIGHLANDER movies (and syndicated TV show)--there
can be only one Highlander alive at any time. Any new ones must vie to kill the
old or be killed trying.]
(Daniel knocks out Wreck-Gar with a metal beam)
SIPHER: And Daniel gives him the gong!
[Refers to the TV game show THE GONG SHOW, which first ran in the mid- or late
70s. Contestants would engage in wacky or outrageous performances, and guest
judges would decide whether to rate them 1 to 10 or register total disapproval
by ringing the gong behind the judges' stands.]
(Fight is halted by Quint ship landing.)
DOUG: Well, *that* planet's screwed!
ROB: & SIPHER: (Groan and hit Doug)
DOUG: Ow! Don't hit!
WRECK-GAR: Steady as she goes, Bob! Snoopy visitors get mud in the eye,
by and by! Film at eleven!
(Ship lands, plank opens)
ARCEE: It's Hot Rod!
DANIEL: And Kup and the Dinobots!
SIPHER: And they're flying a giant wine-bottle opener!
HOT ROD: Guns aren't exactly friendly.
DOUG: Since when was Hot Rod gun-shy?
KUP: Neither are they, in case you haven't noticed.
HOT ROD: What was that universal greeting, again? Never mind, I
remember. Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong!
WRECK-GAR: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong?
SIPHER: (As Wreck-Gar) Wutchyou talkin' bout, Roddy?
HOT ROD: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong!
WRECK-GAR: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong!
DOUG: Okay, already! We get the idea!
JUNKIONS: Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong!
ROB: Hey, he didn't need an energon goodie this time.
DOUG: Actually, he did, but...
SIPHER: I wonder if "Bah weep graaagnah wheep, ni ni bong" is a cuss word in
some other language.
[Okay, then it wouldn't be the UNIVERSAL Greeting...but it's still an
interesting thought.]
(Hot Rod and Wreck-Gar dance)
DOUG: I wonder who's leading here?
(Wheelie does a few breakdance moves)
SIPHER: "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo".
[The title of an early 80s movie about the contemporary fad of breakdancing.
Yes, it actually earned a sequel.]
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not kisser, me Grimlock king!
DOUG: Grimlock, king of the hickey!
WRECK-GAR: Have a nice day, and please close cover before striking,
friends! Reep rip a-rooty, so say the Junkions!
HOT ROD: Where'd you learn to talk like that?
WRECK-GAR: TV!
SIPHER: And some radio and movie.
WRECK-GAR: We talk TV! You talk some TV?
KUP: Yeah, I talk some TV. And now the news! Don't touch that dial!
SIPHER: Satirized for your protection!
DOUG: Eat my shorts!
ROB: Skipper!
[References to, respectively, comedian Bill Maher's Comedy Central show
POLITICALLY INCORRECT, THE SIMPSONS, and GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.]
WRECK-GAR: By George, Kemosabe, your smashed-up friend soon like brand
new with ninety-day warranty.
SIPHER: Yeah, ninety days from now, Ultra Magnus just falls apart.
ROB: So?
WRECK-GAR: Happy motoring! Cock-a-doodle-dooooo!
DOUG: Ooookay, this movie just broke the Goofymeter, big time.
(Magnus gets up)
DANIEL: Look, he's alive!
MAGNUS: You're all alive.
HOT ROD: The Matrix?
MAGNUS: It's gone.
ROB: Way to go.
DOUG: Give him a break, he was dead.
SIPHER: But he got better!
[Another MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL reference, this one to either the
"Bring out your dead" bit or "She turned me into a newt!" Take your pick.]
HOT ROD: No!
ARCEE: Galvatron has it.
HOT ROD: Where's Galvatron, where is he?
WRECK-GAR: And the answer is: Unicron.
HOT ROD: Then we've got to destroy Unicron!
SIPHER: What about Galvatron?
ROB: Who?
WRECK-GAR: Yes, friends, act now! Destroy Unicron! Kill the Grand
Poohbah!
DOUG: (as Fred Flintstone) WILMA!!
[The Grand Poobah was the leader of the Moose Lodge in the TV show THE
FLINTSTONES]
WRECK-GAR: ... No fuss, no muss. Hurry hurry hurry! Sale must end!
Rush right on down and test-drive latest model with no
obligation!
SIPHER: He talks way too cool to interrupt.
(Junkion spaceship begins to rise)
ROB: I am Freudotron!
[Dr. Sigmund Freud and his theories on phallic symbols]
WRECK-GAR: New improved Junkion planet is sleek, sexy import with turbo
handling!
SIPHER: Does it come with a CD player with removable face?
[This was apparently considered to be a nifty theft-deterrent device for about a
month.]
JUNKIONS: Destroy Unicron, kill the grand poobah, eliminate even the
toughest stains!
DOUG: Well, they're not much for independent thought, but they are into
cloning.
(The two ships blast off.)
DOUG: Hitler readies his V-2's for England!
[Standard WWII-era newsreel line]
(Unicron approaches Cybertron)
GALVATRON: Unicron!
SIPHER: Lick me!
GALVATRON: UNICRON!
SIPHER: LICK ME!
[This was simply a great place to put "Lick me."]
GALVATRON: See this! The Matrix! I now possess that which you most
fear!
ROB: Big man with the Matrix...
(Unicron roars)
SIPHER: He is NOT a morning person.
GALVATRON: You will do my bidding! Or taste my wrath!
(Galvatron struggles to open the Matrix)
DOUG: Taste... my wrath... heh heh... wrath... hee... oh dear. (Improv
nervousness.)
[Based on similar routines by comedian Phil Silvers, aka Sgt. Bilko]
UNICRON: You underestimate me, Galvatron.
ROB: I've been drinking milk.
[Remember these commercials for milk, showing the little kid growing in stages
as (s)he tells some scoffer how much drinking milk will do to help him/her grow
big and strong?]
(Parts of Unicron begin to shift)
SIPHER: (as Unicron) Whoah, THAT'S not supposed to happen.
(Galvatron sent tumbling.)
DOUG: (singing) I feel the earth move under my feet...
[Line from the song "I Feel the Earth Move"]
(Back end of Unicron reveals arms)
ROB: (as Dr. Strangelove) Ze whole POINT uf havink a transformink planet vas to
tell ze vorld! *VY* did you keep it a zecret?!
[From the movie DR. STRANGELOVE, starring the incomparable Peter Sellers]
ALL: (Start humming the music from "Powerhouse")
[Standard "complex machinery/assembly line" music from Warner Bros. cartoons]
(Galvatron watches Unicron's hand)
SIPHER: (various Frankenstein grunts)
[Fire bad! Arrrr!]
(Red section of Unicron's torso lights up.)
DOUG: (singing) Blinded by the light...
[Title line from the mid-70s song by Manford Mann's Earth Band]
ROB: Damn you, Doug.
(Unicron's head is revealed)
DOUG: It's Mega-Maid!
[Yet another SPACEBALLS REFERENCE]
UNICRON: For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet
Cybertron.
SIPHER: (As Ahnult) I lied.
[Repeat of the reference to a Schwartzenegger movie where he plays a big
Austrian guy with guns who quips a lot. Pick one. Any one. It doesn't
matter.]
UNICRON: But now, you shall witness... its dismemberment!
GALVATRON: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
ROB: I just made my last payment!!!
(Unicron raises his hand)
SIPHER: Kerrr...
(Unicron slams his hand down)
SIPHER: ...rrrSMACK!!
SHOCKWAVE: Decepticons! We're under attack!
DOUG: Well, no shit!
(Decepticons attack Unicron without much success)
ROB: Have they considered running like hell?
(Galvatron transforms and shoots at Unicron)
SIPHER: Yeah, that'll work. Keep it up, Galvie. Idiot.
(Unicron grabs Galvatron)
DOUG: Okay, that's it, punk. I've had just enough out of you.
(Unicron opens his mouth to drop Galvatron in)
ROB: Through the lips, over the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!
(Autobot ships advance)
SPRINGER: I don't believe it.
ROB: (solemnly) Orson Welles is dead.
[Welles died at some point during the making of TFTM. His unfinished lines were
read by Nimoy.]
HOT ROD: Doesn't this remind you of anything, Kup?
KUP: Nope. Never seen anything like this before.
DOUG: Not since the last time.
SIPHER: D'oh!
DANIEL: What happened to Moonbase 2? Where's my dad?
ROB: Take a guess, twerp.
HOT ROD: That's what we're going to find out.
SIPHER: I'll call information.
[Based very vaguely on a routine by comedian Steven Wright, in which he calls
information to ask where his socks are. Information says they're behind the
couch. And they are, by gum.]
(Unicron breathes a jet of flame)
DOUG: Whoah! Get him a Certs the size of Phobos!
[The breath mint. PLEASE tell us you knew that one.]
(Flame hits Junkion ship)
ROB: I got it! Under control!
WRECK-GAR: Resists fire, rain and corrosion for up to five years!
SIPHER: Personal results may vary.
WRECK-GAR: Satisfaction guaranteed.
JUNKIONS: Or your money back!
ROB: Hard to collect it when you're *dead*.
(Unicron breathes again, taking out a chunk of Quintesson ship)
(Autobots tumble around)
(Hot Rod grabs the controls)
SIPHER: MITCHELL!!!
[Another MST reference, this time to the episode MITCHELL, the pilot movie for a
proposed TV series starring the hefty Joe Don Baker in the title role of a
rather sloppy police detective. The prhase "Mitchell!" was shouted during
almost every action sequence.]
(Quintesson ship smashes into Unicron's eye)
ROB: Out, vile jelly!
[A line from Shakespeare's KING LEAR, where Gloucester has his eyes ground
out by the power-mad sisters' crowd.]
(Autobots abandon ship)
DOUG: So the ship just bounces around his skull...
(Hot Rod catches on a spike)
SIPHER: Doncha hate it when there's that one bit of food sticking to
your throat?
ROB: Yeah.
(Autobots hit the floor)
ROB: That's GOTTA be bad for the arches.
DANIEL: Where's Hot Rod?
SPRINGER: I don't know, but I hope THEY didn't get him!
SIPHER: They? Isn't that the giant ants?
DOUG: No, that's "Them."
SIPHER: Oh.
[Classic sci-fi-horror-giant-critters-eat-people movie. Probably one of the
better ones.]
ARCEE: Quick, this way!
DOUG: Run away, run away!
[Magnificent battle strategy from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL]
(Hot Rod slides off the spike and lands elsewhere.)
SIPHER: (as GAMERA's Kenny) My spine!
[Another MST riff, this time from their showing of the original GAMERA film,
about a prehistoric giant turtle that befriends a little boy while trashing
everything else. At one point, Kenny is dropped several feet, yet the first
thing someone does to him is shake him around to see if he's okay. Various
references to Kenny's supposedly broken spine are made from then on.]
(Hot Rod gropes around in the dark)
ROB: Unicron is remarkably hollow.
SIPHER: (starts singing PHANTOM OF THE OPERA organ music)
[Another reference to a famous scene from a movie/play I doubt any of us has
actually seen. The heroine gropes around in the darkened halls beneath the
opera house...]
HOT ROD: The Matrix!
GALVATRON: It will do you no good, Autobot. It cannot be opened.
ROB: They put it in an aspirin bottle.
[You ever try opening an aspirin bottle with a killer headache? F#^@ing
cotton...]
GALVATRON: Like it or not, we are allies now, against a common foe!
(Unicron attacks Galvatron)
DOUG: Galvatron's not too bright, is he?
UNICRON: Destroy him, Galvatron, now! Or you yourself shall be
obliterated!
GALVATRON! Of course, my master!
(Galvatron shoots at Hot Rod, who runs away)
GALVATRON: Puny Autobot! You lack even Prime's courage!
SIPHER: Yeah, but he's smart enough not to stand around and get shot.
(Unicron fires eye beams, Dinobots avoid them)
ROB: I didn't know Dinobots could fly.
DOUG: You will believe a Dinobot can fly.
[As in the commercial catch-phrase for the SUPERMAN movie, "You will believe a
man can fly."]
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock kick butt!
(Grimlock transforms and kicks Unicron in the butt)
ROB: Literally!
SIPHER: You gotta be a royal badass to kick Unicron in the butt and live
to brag about it.
DOUG: I don't believe you said that.
SIPHER: I did.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock need new strategy.
DOUG: Or bigger feet.
(Daniel trips and falls.)
DANIEL: Heeelp! Help!
ARCEE: Daniel!
SIPHER: Leave him!
(Autobots shoot claws around Daniel.)
DOUG: What are they aiming for?
(Arcee shoots the back wall.)
SIPHER: Lower! Lower!
(Water floods in.)
DOUG: Surf's up! And I'm talkin' UP!
[Another quote from the TRANSFORMERS cartoon episode, "The Ultimate Doom," this
time from Autobot Bluestreak, upon spotting a tidal wave]
(Daniel is swept away from the others)
DANIEL: Arcee! Kup!
SIPHER: Come on down to Wild Rivers!
ROB: Reminds me of the Jurassic Park ride, actually.
DOUG: *Glub!*
[Wild Rivers is a chain of water-slide theme parks. The Jurassic Park ride at
Universal Studios ends with an 84-foot water drop, the tallest in the world.
Some people apparently find that fun. Sipher believes they are insane. And not
in the good way.]
(Robots drop into the vat.)
DOUG: Lava?
ROB: Now THAT'S pumice action.
[Quoting the commercial for Lava brand hand soap]
(Robots finally melt away)
SIPHER: Are they soup yet?
DOUG: Melted robots? It's in there!
[Riffing a commercial for Ragu spaghetti sauce]
DANIEL: Dad!
SPIKE: Daniel!
ROB: Talk about timing!
[Plot Convenience is the most powerful force in the universe.]
DANIEL: Dad, what can I do?
SPIKE: Knock down the acid cover!
DOUG: Huh-huh...it's a lid of acid...
[This is just one we overheard in the ummmm...street! Yeah! Overheard in the
street! Really!]
DANIEL: How?
SPIKE: Blast it, son!
DANIEL: But I don't have a gun!
DOUG: You COMMIE!
SPIKE: Use your Exo-Suit!
(Daniel fiddles with the suit)
SPIKE: HURRY!!
ROB: MOVE it, punk!
(The arms of the suit fold around to form guns)
SIPHER: AGH! MY ELBOWS HAVE SNAPPED CLEAN!!
[Or, they would have if Daniel's arms were actually inside the arms of the exo-
suit. Upon closer inspection, it looks like the human's arms remain inside the
main body of the suit, and the suit arms are controlled some other way. But
that's only on closer inspection.]
(One of the struts is shot away. Bumblebee, Spike, Jazz & Cliffjumper
are dropped)
DANIEL: DAAAAAAD!
ALL: This is gonna suuuuuuuuck...!
(Pause.)
SPIKE: Daniel! You did it!
ROB: Remember, guns solve all problems.
SIPHER: All problems! They make you feel popular and feel like you're a
man! Buy guns!
[Riffing a similar MST routine about booze, although we wouldn't be suprised if
the NRA actually tried something like this.]
(Another part of Unicron)
GALVATRON: Come out, Autobot, we all must die sometime.
HOT ROD: Not today, Galvatron!
DOUG: I've got a hair appointment at five.
[But he gots no hair! Ha ha!]
(Hot Rod runs off, transforms, then runs Galvatron down)
SIPHER: Tag! You're it!
[If you didn't play Tag as a kid, we pity you.]
(Hot Rod retreats, while Galvatron shoots at him)
SIPHER: Hot Rod pops the clutch and tells Galvatron to eat his dust!
[A variation of the quote, "Ron Howard pops the clutch and tells the world to
eat his dust!" Originally from the trailer for the movie AMERICAN GRAFFITI.]
(Galvatron shoots and misses. Hot Rod returns fire and hits.)
DOUG: Okay, so Galvatron cannon couldn't hit, but Hot Rod's guns could?
SIPHER: Galvatron has a headache.
ROB: Can't imagine why...
['Cuz he couldn't open the aspirin bottle earlier! Badaboom! Well, okay, AND
because Unicron's been sending him telepathic noogies.]
(Hot Rod blinds Galvatron with his high beams)
SIPHER: Hey! Your brights! Hey!
GALVATRON: I will crush you with my bare hands!
ROB: Why'd he transform and expose his neck? Moron!
GALVATRON: Die, Aubot!
SIPHER: He likes that "die" thing, doesn't he?
(Unicron grabs Junkion ship)
DOUG: Oh, now they can land in the compact spaces.
[Some areas now have parking lots with smaller, specially-designated parking
spaces for small cars. It's Sipher's belief that this is probably just to honk
off people who don't feel like driving in a damn matchbox.]
(Back inside Unicron.)
GALVATRON: First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, and now you. It's a pity you
Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense of
satisfaction now.
SIPHER: (Devo voice) Can't get no... satisfaction...
[From Devo's cover of the Rolling Stones song "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"]
(Hot Rod grabs the Matrix from Galvatron. Light floods the chamber)
ALL: Ooooooooooooooooooooooh...
OPTIMUS: Arise, Rodimus Prime.
ROB: Use the Farce, Rod.
[Reference to HARDWARE WARS, a hilarious ultra-low-budget parody of STAR WARS.
Special Edition now available!]
GALVATRON: No!
(Galvatron fires, bolts bounce off Rodimus)
SIPHER: So why didn't that work for Optimus?
(Blast knocks Matrix away)
ROB: Hey!
RODIMUS: This is the end of the road, Galvatron.
DOUG: Not to mention the end of the movie.
(Rodimus and Galvatron grapple, finally Rodimus tosses Galvatron through
Unicron's side)
ROB: (as Bob Uecker) And it's a long fly ball to center field...
SIPHER: Center torso?
[Baseball's Bob Uecker.]
(Rodimus stands with Matrix.)
SIPHER: Now, where was I...
RODIMUS: Now, light our darkest hour!
DOUG: And this time, I mean it!
(Light shines through Unicron's innards)
ROB: The universe's largest bug zapper!
(Shot of Unicrons monitor ball shorting out)
DOUG: MTV's "Out of Control".
[Actually, the show being referenced is REMOTE CONTROL, a game show that employs
a large bank of monitors showing numerous images as part of its gimmick. We'll
get it right next time.]
(Unicron thrashes around in pain)
SIPHER: Diarrhea is like the Matrix opening inside you.
[Based on the MST riffs of the old line from the Pepto Bismol commercials,
"Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you."]
(Autobots are still fighting claws, one nails Springer)
DOUG: Owie...
(Claws explode, Spike & company run up)
SPRINGER: Spike, Daniel!
SPIKE: Springer, what's going on?
SPRINGER: No time to answer that now! Let's get outta here!
ROB: You don't know, admit it!
SIPHER: Why don't you *transform* instead of run?
(Daniel spots Rodimus Prime running towards them)
DANIEL: Look!
DOUG: Geez, is everyone blind in this movie?
RODIMUS: Autobots, transform and roll out!
SIPHER: Optimus sounded cooler....
(Rodimus transforms)
ROB: The Big Red Winnebago Of Doom!
KUP: I *knew* you had potential, lad!
ALL: Kiss-up.
(Autobots fly out Unicron's other eye)
SIPHER: Insult to injury.
ROB: At least he has a matched set now.
UNICRON: My destiny...
SIPHER: His density?
ROB: *MCFLY!!!*
[Another BACK TO THE FUTURE reference]
UNICRON: You cannot... destroy... my destiny...
(Unicron's head flies off)
ROB: The first HeadMaster!
[A line of Transformers with detachable heads that could become the pilots of
the robots' alternate modes. Actually, we can't really take credit for this
one. It was one of the only funny things shouted during the showing of TFTM at
BotCon '96.]
(Unicron explodes)
DOUG: Hate to say it, but it looked cooler in "Call of the Primitives".
SIPHER: Yeah.
["Call of the Primitives" was an episode from the third season of TRANSFORMERS
that contained incredible animation and character designs, standing well apart
from the rest of the season and even the rest of the entire series. Part of it
recapped Unicron's destruction.]
RODIMUS: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian Wars...
SIPHER: Duuuuuuh, okay.
RODIMUS: ... as we march forward to a new age of peace and happiness!
ROB: Until "Five Faces Of Darkness," at any rate.
[The five-part story line that began the TF show's third season, it took place
not long after the time frame of the movie. Filled with numerous animation
glitches and odd story ideas, its acceptance among fans is rather spotty.]
ALL: 'Til all are one!
DOUG: One calorie?
[Diet Coke commercial line]
ALL: 'Til all are one!
SIPHER: Tastes great!
DOUG: Less filling!
SIPHER: Tastes great!
DOUG: Less filling!
[OLD Budweiser beer commercial line]
(Unicron's head orbits Cybertron)
DOUG: Rosebud...
[As in Orson Welles' famous deathbed line from CITIZEN KANE]
(Freeze frame on Unicron's head.)
SIPHER: (singing) And I'm... not... done... and I won't be 'till my head falls
off...
[From the They Might Be Giants song "Til My Head Falls Off".]
DOUG: Ah, well, that was fun.
ROB: Yes, indeed.
(Jack Angel credit gets halfway up screen)
SIPHER: Jack Angel, Jack Angel...will you be miiine...
DOUG: Oh, you.
[Refers to the 50s song "Earth Angel"]
(pause)
SIPHER: So, Orson Welles died during the voice taping, huh?
DOUG: Apparently, he choked on some frozen peas.
ROB: Oh, that's mean.
[Yet another THE CRITIC reference. In one episode, Welles appears doing a
commercial for frozen peas, which he eats frozen.]
SIPHER: What about the unintentional meanness of Welles playing a PLANET?
ROB: Well, that was just coincidence.
(Credit for Gears gets halfway up screen)
DOUG: Gears? Where was Gears in this movie?!
ROB: His scene was cut when he demanded too much money.
SIPHER: Let me guess. You've got that scene on a secret lost reel with all sorts
of ultra-violent extra footage that never made it to the theaters, right?
[This is a long-standing argument among TF fans. Every so often, someone will
come up and claim such a thing, though many others have confirmed it doesn't
exist.]
ROB: Sure. It's the version where we see Sparkplug die horribly by Megatron's
hand.
DOUG: Oh come on. Everybody knows Sparkplug is living in Florida with a generous
retirement package from the Autobots.
ROB: Impossible. By the year 2005, Disney has annexed the entire peninsula of
Florida, and keeps strict control over its population.
[You know it will happen unless Disney is stopped.]
DOUG: Well, then he went to California.
SIPHER: Sorry. California fell into the ocean in 2003. All that's left is
Arizona Bay.
[Reference to comedian Bill Hicks, who took a perverse pleasure in the thought
of California disappearing into the Pacific Ocean. "Arizona Bay" is the name of
one of his albums. RIP, Bill.]
ROB: HEY! At least MY state didn't spawn somebody like Helms!
SIPHER: True, but YOUR state gave us Manson and the OJ trial!
DOUG: Guys, guys, come on. Let's just agree that both your home states suck.
ROB: & SIPHER: (muttered agrrement, then simultaneously) HEY!
SIPHER: THIS from the state that gave us drive-though liquor stores!
ROB: And giant belt buckles!
DOUG: Hey, don't MESS with Texas!
(All three mutter to themselves)
ROB: Um... I think we lost the Transformers link here completely.
[Sipher is from South Carolina. Robert is from California. Doug is from Texas.
Just so you know.]
(pause)
SIPHER: Can you read any of these?
DOUG: Not really. Well, actually I can, but...
(pause)
SIPHER: I'd just like to take this time to say that I think Kup would be able to
do a GREAT Jimmy Durante impression.
[Old comedian, famous for lines like "I gotta million of 'em" and going "ah
chachacha!"]
(pause)
ROB: Y'know, I'm in the mood to see the "GoBots" movie.
DOUG: Really?
ROB: No, I'm just wasting time.
[Yes, there was a GoBots movie. It probably sucked. The TV show sure did.]
SIPHER: Maybe we should bring the lights up, just leave the movie
running?
DOUG: Okay, lights guy?
OFFSTAGE: *LIGHTS!!*
-----STOP ON BLACKOUT, HOUSE LIGHTS UP-----
CLOSING SKIT
Mystery Science Transformers 3000 (Botcon '97)
Vote Early, Vote Often
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Macaroni and cheese - 35%
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Apple Macintosh - 24%
MAC Cosmetics - 19%
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Punchline Not Included
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