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TRANSFORMERS: THE MSTING 4
A NEW JOKE
BotCon 2000
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Annotations by Robert Jung
and the TFMST crew
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SKIT 1 : BUCKING FOR LIGHTNING
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(House lights off, run opening sequence tape)
(Tape off, house lights up)
(Rob holds a book in his hands, standing before the crowd. Sipher and Doug
sit behind him.)
ROB : Welcome, children, on this wonderful Primus-given morning, and I'd
like to thank you all for joining us here for Sunday morning service
at the First Reformed Holy United Church of Cybertron. Before we
begin this week's reading, I'd just like to remind you all of a few
things... we still have no volunteers for the Inter-Fandom softball
team. Now, I understand that some of you do have to travel several
hundred miles merely to attend, but we REALLY need your support here.
After last year's crushing defeat to the Roddenberiasts, I was hoping
that it would encourage you all to try harder this season. I gather
the Church of Lucas has a VERY strong bench, so we need all the
support we can.
SIPHER : (snickering madly) A swarm of Lucasts will cover the field!
(Doug joins Sipher in rampant snickering, until Rob turns and gives them an
evil look. They quiet down and straighten up.)
ROB : AND THOUGH I do not wish to bring up the subject, I'm afraid the
issue of the toy drive for underpriviledged nations MUST be
addressed. Last week someone apparently thought it would be very
funny to put a Korean knock-off of a Tonka GoBot into the bin.
(Rob pauses to let that sink in and scrutinize the crowd)
ROB : Now, I do not care who did this. And while the fairly recent
conversion of Tonka to Hasbroanity DOES allow for some inclusion of
the study of GoBotron, we cannot let this sort of thing continue.
(clears throat) Well, we begin today's reading from the beginning of
the Covenant of Primus... (reads from the book) "And in those days
there was nothing, save the Chaos-Bringer... but in his folly he left
a spark of matter..."
SIPHER : Um, excuse me...
ROB : ... What?
SIPHER : I have a question.
ROB : *Sigh*... what is it?
SIPHER : Well, I was just wondering why we're reading from the Covenant of
Primus. I was kinda hoping we'd get the earlier works, like, say,
the pre-Friedman works, or even the teachings of the
Budianskiists?
DOUG : Actually, yeah. I'm also rather keen on hearing from the Verses of
Packaging Backs.
ROB : Maybe later if we have time. But for now we're going to concentrate
on the creation by Primus.
(Rob begins to read, but...)
SIPHER : Wait wait wait wait wait. The stories of Primus weren't as widely
distributed as the Quintesson Genesis. Wouldn't more people here
familiar with that?
ROB : DON'T go there. "And Primus was born of that spark of matter, He who
was charged with stopping the Chaos-Bring-"
SIPHER : But Primus wasn't even MENTIONED until the Book Of Furman, in the
final Verse of Chapter Sixty!
DOUG : Is that the American Text or British Text?
SIPHER : The American Text, but you DO bring up a very good point. I
haven't been able to study much of the British text but all
indications -
ROB : (Frustrated) LOOK! I'm the fake pastor in this shoddy yet ultimately
harmless little sketch, and *I* say we're going to be reading from
the Covenant of Primus!
SIPHER : Yeah, but the Covenant of Primus wasn't even heard of up until the
end of the Book of Going Forward!
(Rob begins to put his head in his hands)
DOUG : And the Book of Going Forward, and its companion work
DiTilliostices draw HEAVILY from the post-Freidman scriptures,
which presents a basic contradiction as to the placement of the Wars
of the Beasts! Plus it has been shown that the final chapters of the
Book of Going Forward contain an undeniable influence of Furmanism!
SIPHER : And while we're discussing such contradiction, what about the
Eastern scriptures? Surely one must allow for and take heed of the
words from the Holy Land, the very birthplace of our fandom!
DOUG : Marvel Comics?
SIPHER : No, Japan, doik.
DOUG : That's right! The Saga of HeadMasters contains a passage where
Cybertron was destroyed! I mean, aside from the fact that the later
stories found in the Chronicles of ImaKing seem to take place on the
very planet the series says has been reduced to an expanding cloud
of subatomic particles, I'm surprised that THAT hasn't alienated
more of our flock than the Book of Skirsenberg's final chapter!
SIPHER : And of course, the Book of Skirsenberg, while on some levels
contradictory to the Book of Going Forward and DiTilliostices,
DOES contain a greater similarity to the earlier visual
scriptures, specifically The Fable of the Key, Chapter A Verse 3!
ROB : "Visual scriptures"?!
SIPHER : (looking sheepish) Uh... the cartoon.
ROB : STOP IT!!! I'm not here to get into an ontological debate! Frankly,
if I had my druthers, I'd be reading from Blackthorne, Verses Three
through D. But I'm NOT, since I don't HAVE those. I'd LOVE to be able
to read from all the various stories and settings! I mean, let's be
honest, how many OTHER fandoms have the rich variety of settings and
characters we do? They're all legit! We SHOULD be happy with that,
celebrate it, instead of all this bickering over which is better,
which fits into which, and such! There comes a point when you're
taking it too damn seriously! RELAX AND HAVE FUN!!!
SIPHER : (Goliath (the puppet) voice) Gee Davey. I guess I didn't think of
it that way.
DOUG : So why aren't we reading from everything?
ROB : Because we only HAD about five minutes before the videotape starts.
Now, about one. Okay?
(Silence)
ROB : RIGHT. ... "And Primus and the Chaos-Bringer Unicron did battle, and
the Universe did tremble... and Primus in his wisdom wanted all to
know the pain he felt, so He did charge three fools with the task of
sitting before a screen and lambasting those tales known to the
Universe as 'Victory', 'Forbidden Fruit', 'City of Steel' and 'The
Dweller in the Depths'. And the fools did proceed to write lame
sket-"
(Doug clears his throat)
ROB : WHAT?!
DOUG : Is it worth bringing up the Coming of Shockoract?
ROB : AAAAAAAAGH!!!
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights off, start tape)
[Considering Robert's an avowed atheist, this skit was REALLY begging for a
bolt from the heavens...]
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EPISODE 1 : VICTORY
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TITLE : Victory
(Close-up of an Energon crystal)
(Sipher begins the DeBeers music)
DOUG : The Anniversary Crystal. Tell her you'd conquer Cybertron all over
again.
[Parody of the DeBeers diamond commercials.]
(Two beams shoot into the crystal, warping it...)
MEGATRON : Yess... YES! Almost there... this may be the refinement
process I've been seeking!
ROB : (Stoner voice) Uncut Energon. DOOOOOOD!
[Just say no to drug humor, kids]
(The crystal lets out a high-pitched shriek then shatters to dust)
MEGATRON : NO!! BLAST!! Terrorsaur! Get me another crystal! NOW!
TERRORSAUR : No!
SIPHER : (Megatron voice) YESS!!
TERRORSAUR : I refuse to serve such an incompetent leader any longer!
(We see this now through a Maximal viewscreen)
DOUG : Last time, on Beast Wars!
TERRORSAUR : You've wasted our precious Energon crystals for the LAST
TIME, Megatron!!
CHEETOR : Whoah... bad karma at the loser lair!
ROB : Whoah, lame lines from the kiddie kitty!
DINOBOT : It appears... serious this time.
MEGATRON : You will REGRET this rebellion, Terrorsaur! YESS...
(Terror, Waspinator and Scorponok all draw their weapons)
OPTIMUS : That's dissent ion, all right.
CHEETOR : COOL! Now aren't you glad we got cable?
SIPHER : I think Dragon Ball's playing on Cartoon Network right now!
DOUG : When ISN'T Dragon Ball playing on Cartoon Network?!
ROB : Whenever they're not playing Scooby-Doo repeats.
[A fact anyone who subscribes to the Cartoon Network can attest to]
OPTIMUS : (shusshes Rattrap) Look!
(Megatron back up, then hides behind an Energon tank as the others
open fire)
MEGATRON : NO!! YOU FOOLS! YOU'LL HIT THE ENERGON!
(They do. The screen erupts in pink noise)
DOUG : Great, now we gotta wait three weeks for the cable guy...
SIPHER : Jim Carrey? Oh no...
[From the movie "The Cable Guy", where Jim Carrey plays an obsessed cable
repairman and his hapless customer]
(The Maxis watch silently, then they feel the shockwave. There's a
pause as they look at each other...)
CHEETOR : (quietly) Whoah...
ROB : (Announcer voice) Keanu Reeves IS Cheetor!
[Keanu Reeves still can't get over that "Whoah" typecast, can he?]
(Long shot of the Predacon Base. Black smoke pours out of one end, and
the high, pointed section shudders and drops a bit.)
(The Maximals look over it from the cliff top)
CHEETOR : That place looks... like, totally slagged.
SIPHER : (Janice voice) Fer SURRRRRELLY.
[From "The Muppet Show"]
RHINOX : (holding some scanner doohickey) I detect no signs of life.
DOUG : Why is that thing pointed at Cheetor's head when he said that?
DINOBOT : Can that be confirmed?
RATTRAP : EY! His sensors don't lie, Dino-Dip!
ROB : They did NOT have any relations with that woman!
[A reference to then-President Bill Clinton and the Kenneth Starr
inquisition, where Clinton initially denied having a relationship with
intern Monica Lewinsky]
(Zoom in on optimus' kisser)
OPTIMUS : ... It looks like the Maximals... have won the Beast Wars.
DOUG : He has no nostrils! How does he smell?
ROB & SIPHER : TERRIBLE!
[From one of the oldest Vaudeville jokes around--
A: "My dog has no nose."
B: "How does he smell?"
A:" Terrible!"]
(Inside the wrecked base, the Maxis look around...)
RHINOX : No life forms. But the base Energon field dampeners are still
functional.
OPTIMUS : Good.
(Rattrap swings a length of metal in his hand like a sword)
RATTRAP : Allright! Let's pillage and plunder!
DOUG : Remember, you DON'T ride off on the women...!
[Another old joke riff, about the Viking raiders who get confused about what
to do with the women and the village. "Ride off on the women" was our
attempt to turn an R-rated joke reference into a PG-rated one. We're not
without SOME modicrum of taste...]
OPTIMUS : Remember, it IS a Pedacon ship and STILL very dangerous!
RATTRAP : Yeah? Then ah, what say we make ol' Chopperface go first?
(The metal clangs against Dinobot's leg, who grabs it and tosses it
away as he speaks, VERY calmly)
DINOBOT : Yes. That would be logical. I will take point.
ROB : And I'll take counterpoint!
[Riffing on the TV debate show "Point/Counterpoint"]
RATTRAP : ... MAN, I'm pushin' all his hot buttons...
DOUG : Whoah, that is late-night!
RATTRAP : What's WITH him?
OPTIMUS : (a bit disgusted) Can't you figure it out?!
(Shot of a safe-like structure)
SIPHER : Hey, it's Ben Stein's money!
[From the Comedy Central game show, "Win Ben Stein's Money"]
(Dinobot looks around, the mechanical noises as he moves sounding VERY
loud in the silent, music-less hall)
ROB : Jeez, that sounds awful, maybe he should have that looked at.
DINOBOT : This is what you seek. I detect no hostiles. I will
reconnoiter elsewhere.
SIPHER : (sniffling) Excuse me while I go cry!
RATTRAP : (quietly) Yo, um, Scrape-Ape...
SIPHER : (Grape Ape voice) Scrape Ape!
["The Great Grape Ape" was an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon]
RATTRAP : ... so, what are we gonna do with Dinobot?
OPTIMUS : *Why* should we *do* anything?
RATTRAP : MAN...
ROB : Or Astro-Man?
[One of Sipher's favorite musical groups. To date, all of the TFMSTing
opening and closing credits have been set to music from MoAM?]
RATTRAP : ... he's still a Predacon! He's only with us 'cuz he knew
we'd win!
DOUG : Plus the Maximals had better a dental plan and a 401K.
RATTRAP : ... he's a soldier. And with the enemy gone, who's else is
he gonna fight?
ROB : Maybe the rat who's given him crap from the second episode on?
(Optimus and Rhinox move on wordlessly, Rattrap follows)
RATTRAP : Look, this AIN'T a good time to prove you're a wimp chimp,
buddy?
SIPHER : (George Bush voice) I am not a chimp! I am a human being!
["I am not a chimp" parodies former President George Bush (Sr.)'s response
to accusations that he was a "wimp" while in office. "I am a human being"
is -- depending on who you ask -- either taken from the TV show "The
Prisoner" or the movie "The Elephant Man".]
(Rhinox opens the lock on the "safe", the doors begin to open...)
ROB : Jimmy, stop them!
DOUG : Put 'em in the crappy isolation booth!
[More "Win Ben Stein's Money". "Jimmy" is ex-co-host Jimmy Kimmel. The
crappy isolation booth is the one the contestant gets to sit in with its
bare light bulb and peeling paint, while Ben's isolation booth is plush
and luxurious.]
OPTIMUS : Get the others.
SIPHER : All two of them!
(Looking through the internals of the safe at the Maximals... more
crystals)
SIPHER : (starts the DeBeers music again)
DOUG : We're through with that.
(Dinobot stalking the halls... Tarantulas' theme begins playing as his
spider-legs appear over Dino's shoulder...)
SIPHER : Itsy-bitsy spider went up the-
[For the three folks who never heard it, this is the start of the
children's nursery song, "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider"]
(Dinobot turns and swings his sword. Cheetor, who was holding the
legs, steps back and laughs)
CHEETOR : Gotcha!
(Extreme close-up of Dinobot's face)
DINOBOT : WHERE did you find these?!
DOUG : Whoah, buddy, have a Breath Saver!
(Dinobot snatches the legs...)
DINOBOT : Alas, poor Tarantulas. I knew him, Cheetor.
DOUG : What fools these Transformers be.
SIPHER : To be or not to be.
ROB : Wherefore art thou?
DOUG : Where's the beef?
SIPHER : We do chicken right.
ROB : Drop the chalupa.
[We start with a few Shakespeare parodies, then migrate to the old Wendy's
hamburger slogan, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan, and the Taco Bell
chihauha]
DINOBOT : ... that it should come to this.
(Pause)
CHEETOR : Awww, do you need a hug?
(Dino gets in Cheetor's face)
SIPHER : (crying) Yes! LOVE MEEE!!!
RATTRAP : (restraining Dinobot) Ey ey ey ey ey. We're leavin'! We got
the parts we need. C'mon!
(Cheetor slides around a growling Dinobot. Dino then looks down at the
dropped pair of legs.)
SIPHER : Licorice? But why?
(Dinobot in beast mode looks down on the Axalon as lighting flashes in
the sky. Inside, the Maximals are working on the ship's main engine)
ALL : (singing) Oompa-Loompa, doompety-doo...
[From "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"]
RATTRAP : But we STILL can't trust Dinobot!
RHINOX : Before we decide where HE'S going, we need to decide where
WE'RE going.
ROB : And if you say Disneyland I'll smack you!
[For the three people who don't get the reference... Disneyland/Disneyworld
have a recurring series of advertisements where they ask "What are you
going to do now?" after someone accomplishes something spectacular. The
inevitable response is then "I'm going to Disneyland". To wit--
Q: "You just created the cure for rectal cancer! What are you
gonna do now?"
A: "I'm going to Disneyland!"]
OPTIMUS : The first order of business is the Stasis Pods still in
orbit! They have to be recovered and our comrades rescued!
SIPHER : (Russian accent) Da, tovarisch Primal!
[Comrade? Russian? Get it? Eh, it's an old stereotype anyway...]
CHEETOR : Okay, but after that we start exploring the galaxy again,
right?
RATTRAP : Wah-whoah-whoah, whaddaya TALKIN' here?! have you taken a
good look at this scrap-heap lately?
SIPHER : (As Yoda) Scrap-heap? My HOME this is!
[A blatant rip from "The Empire Strikes Back"]
RATTRAP : We even MAKE it to space, and the only place WE'RE headed is
back to Cybertron!
OPTIMUS : I'm afraid Rattrap's right.
RATTRAP : Woo-hoo-HOO-HOO, yeah-heh! An' about time, too! Ooh, I can
just hear the dames cryin' for me!
(Dinobot appears from the shadows)
DINOBOT : Perhaps it is the thought of your return that causes
their... unhappiness.
DOUG : Gee, he made the quip FOR us!
ROB : Well that's no fun...
RATTRAP : ... an actual COMEBACK! Eh, a little lame, but I can tell
you're feelin' better!
DINOBOT : And for good reason! I shall not see you again!
SIPHER : Dammit, he's taking all our quips!
OPTIMUS : What are you saying, Dinobot?
ROB : I hate the rat, what do you think?
DINOBOT : No. On Cybertron I will merely be a Predacon criminal.
But on this planet I have no equal.
SIPHER : Just some Sweet 'N' Low.
["Equal" and "Sweet 'N Low" are brands of sugar substitutes]
DINOBOT : I shall remain -- to conquer and rule.
DOUG : What's there to RULE?
OPTIMUS : I understand. Nonetheless, let the record show that I advise
against this action. It will eventually lead to your
destruction.
DINOBOT : Eventually... eventually can be a long time, Optimus Primal.
ROB : Yeah, forever IS a long time coming.
[From the original Transformers post-movie cartoon episode, "Forever is a
Long Time Coming". This one's for you, Suz.]
DINOBOT : ... and my former comrades. Goodbye.
(Dinobot turns and leaves)
DOUG : (as Mindy) Okay I love ya buhbye.
[From the various "Mindy and Buttons" skits on "Animaniacs!"]
CHEETOR : Dinobot...?! (pause, then quieter) Dinobot?
(Exterior as Dinobot walks away toward the storm)
SIPHER : Come back Shane!
[A key line from the movie "Shane"]
(Commercial break)
(Shot of a white mouse in the middle of nowhere, picking up an acorn)
ROB : The Secret of NIMH 3: The Armageddon.
["The Secret of Nimh" was an animated cartoon about a bunch of escaped
laboratory mice and their dark secret. It had a sequel, so we had to
make ours the third in the series.]
(The mouse scurries away from Dinobot as he stomps along... it
clutches at the edge of a crevasse, but ends up sliding down into the
shadows. Shot of Dinobot from below surveying his kingdom.)
DOUG : (chastising) Yeah, sure glad to have all THIS to myself. What was I
THINKING?! Dumb, stupid, dumb...
(Overhead shot of Dinobot stepping over the crevasse.. the camera
moves down into the shadows...)
SIPHER : (singing) I been-a workin' in a coal mine, goin' down down...
(etc.)
[From the old folk song "Working in a Coal Mine," though Sipher was singing
from Devo's cover of the same]
(The rat squeaks, we hear Tarantulas' laughter as the rat slides
further down the wall...)
(Suddenly, a close-up of Tarantulas in beast mode, the rat's tail
disappearing into his "mouth" like spaghetti)
DOUG : He's having rat-ti-pasto!
["Antipasto" is a type of Italian noodle, like spaghetti]
(A drop of drool hits Terrorsaur (beast mode) on the noggin)
TERRORSAUR : Gyah! Stop SLOBBERING on me, Tarantulas!!
TARANTULAS : I am FEASTING!
(Waspinator gets Tarantulas' abdomen in his face)
WASPINATOR : Nng! Give Waspinator more room! Tarantulas fat enough
ALREADY!
SIPHER : (Waspinator voice) Tarantulas got a big ol' butt!
[From the classic tune "Baby Got Back"]
TARANTULAS : ... does not stop CUDDLING me like a stuffed toy when he
sleeps, I'll eat HIM as well!!!
DOUG : If These Cave Walls Could Talk.
["If These Walls Could Talk" was a series of short stories on HBO that
showcased various lesbian "relationships" in various stages. Take it
from there.]
TERRORSAUR : (cracking up) You all make me SICK! I can't stand this
any LONGER, Megatron!! I'VE GOTTA GET OUT!!!
ALL : DO I KNOW *THAT* FEELING!
(Terrorsaur laughs uncontrollably, until Scorponok back-hand cuffs
him away)
SCORPONOK : We wouldn't BE here if you didn't trip over that spy
cable!
SIPHER : Oh, he uses pronouns this episode!
[A jab at (a) Scorponok's often-stilted dialog patterns, and (b) the writers'
inability to be consistent about it]
MEGATRON : ... Terrorsaur's inadvertent discovery of our enemies' spy
camera, we were able to pull this little... *deception*.
Yessssss.
BLACKARACHNIA : But what if they detect us?
DOUG : Or have ears that work?
BLACKARACHNIA : ... my signature damper device is ONLY experimental.
MEGATRON : We have only to wait until they have repaired their ship.
SIPHER : Gee, when're you gonna know when THAT'S done with, maybe when you
hear the rockets as they BLAST OFF?!
MEGATRON : ... we will be able to recover the orbiting stasis pods,
containing Maximals *eager*... (chuckles) to become
Predacons!
(Megatron gets in Terrorsaur's face)
MEGATRON : SO NO-ONE LEAVES!
TERRORSAUR : (meek) Leaving? Who said anything about leaving?
(A rock hits him on the noggin)
TERRORSAUR : OW!!
MEGATRON : What was that?!
(Camera looks up to the sky through the gap... Dinobot's silhouette
can be seen)
MEGATRON : A SPY!!!
(Shot of Dinobot backing up from the crevasse)
ROB : (Little kid voice) I see dead people!
[From the movie "The Sixth Sense"]
MEGATRON : Predacons! TERRORIZE!!!
(Waspinator and Terrorsaur, now in robot mode, fly out of the crevasse
and then right into a boulder Dinobot has shoved into their path)
DOUG : Well, I guess they smell what the Rock's cooking.
ROB : Oh shut up.
[Playing off the tag-line of "The Rock", a popular WWF wrestler]
BLACKARACHNIA : Blackarachnia: TERRORIZE!!!
(She transforms to robot mode)
SIPHER : (That odd growl-meow-sexy-noise)
SCORPONOK : Scorponok: TERRORIIIIZE!!!
(He transforms to robot mode)
SIPHER : Yeeg.
TARANTULAS : Tarantulas: TERRORIZE!!!
(Guess)
ROB : Yuh-huh.
MEGATRON : Megatron: TERRORIZE!!!
(Ibid)
SIPHER : (from the MST3K opener) Predacon Roll Call!
[A spoof from the title credits of Mystery Science Theater 3000]
DINOBOT : (Running) Megatron's forces survive! I must warn Optimus!
DOUG : (As the Lost In Space robot) Danger Optimus Primal, danger!
[As noted, see "Lost in Space". Preferably the television series, where the
line "Danger, Will Robinson!" originated.]
(At the Axalaon, Tigatron (beast mode) rides the elevator into the
bridge.)
TIGATRON : Nnn. It feels strange to be inside an artificial structure.
ROB : Like having applesauce in your shorts.
RATTRAP : It's Tigatron the Barberian!
DOUG : No, Barbearian is a BotCon Japan-exclusive toy, a Polar Claw recolor
who-
SIPHER : Okay.
[As Doug was trying to explain, "Barbearian" is a recolored version of the
Beast Wars Polar Claw toy that was available exclusively at BotCon Japan in
1997]
RHINOX : And you're just in time! All systems... check!
ROB : Is that check local?
RHINOX : Power Up!
DOUG : (Singing) Powerin' up the Power Block...
[When this episode first aired, "Beast Wars" was part of a five-cartoon
package called the "Power Block", distributed by Claster Television. Each
show was shown on a different day of the week, and the "Power Block" jingle
was played before each show to promote the others.]
RHINOX : Lift-off in three cycles and counting!
(Rattrap drapes an arm around Tigatron)
SIPHER : I would not could not with a cat. I would not could not with a
rat.
[Dr. Seuss, RIP]
RATTRAP : ... I am gonna take you to this sweet little hole in the
wall where I guarantee you that-
RHINOX : DINOBOT!
RATTRAP : (offhanded) Eh, he ain't gonna be there.
RHINOX : OPTIMUS!
SIPHER : (Rattrap voice) Sure, if he wants ta come along...
(Dinobot appears on a viewscreen)
RATTRAP : Aw, MAN! that just shorts my circuits.
CHEETOR : All RIGHT, he's comin' back!
RHINOX : Problem is, he's not alone!
(The Preds appear behind Dinobot. Scorponok fires, nailing him. Dino
falls on his face)
DOUG : I guess we know what really burns Dinobot's butt!
(Commercial break)
(Dinobot lies, smoke coming out his back)
ROB : Hoo, shouldn't have had Mexican for lunch.
(He turns to see the Preds advancing. He fires his eyebeams...)
SIPHER : (Makes "PING!" noises as Dino nails Scorponok and Tarantulas)
(Megatron dives for cover, evading the blast)
SIPHER : Oh, he doesn't get the plush imitation Pikachu!
[A commentary on those plush toys you can win at most carnival games]
(Back inside the Axalon)
OPTIMUS : (Suddenly in beast mode instead of robot like he was
before the break) I'm going for Dinobot!
DOUG : When did he go back to monkey-mode?
RHINOX : ... this thing's barely hanging together as it is! I CAN'T
shut it down!
OPTIMUS : I don't WANT you to! If we're not back in time lift off
without us!
RHINOX : No WAY!
SIPHER : (Wayne) Hu-WAY!
[From the Saturday Night Live skit and movie, "Wayne's World"]
OPTIMUS : That's a priority order! UNDERSTOOD?!
(Rhinox silently accepts)
OPTIMUS : Optimus Primal: MAXIMIZE!!!
(He transforms, then opens a panel in the wall containing riot
shields)
ROB : Guess he's headed for a Scottish soccer match.
[Those post-game riots can get REALLY ugly]
(Optimus enters the elevator. It heads down... but then Cheetor stops
it)
CHEETOR : I'll help! Cheetor: MAXIMIZE!!!
RHINOX : Cheetor, NO!
DOUG : Not on the rug! (Disgusted) AW!!!
[Ever try to housetrain a pet?]
CHEETOR : You'll never make it to Dinobot without backup! Besides,
Cybertron wouldn't be the same without you!
OPTIMUS : (Slight pause) Allright. Let's hit 'em hard and fast!
CHEETOR : I'm your 'bot!
SIPHER : (estatic) He asked me, he asked me!
[Sipher insists this is from a "Monty Python's Flying Circus" skit, but
Rob (who's been known to quote Python at random times to strangers) can't
place it. Anyone venture a guess? Lemon curry?]
TIGATRON : I cannot sit idle while my comrades battle the enemy!
Tigatron: MAXIMIZE!!!
RIHONOX : BACK in your seat! You heard the orders!
TIGATRON : Bu-
RHINOX : I said SIT!
(Tigatron flinches, shuts up and sits down)
DOUG : (meekly) Yessirshuttingupsir.
RHINOX : Rattrap, astro-navigation! Tigatron, get ships' guns on-line!
Optimus is gonna need some firepower! Now MOVE!
TIGATRON : (Saluting) YesSIR!!
SIPHER : (drill sergeant) I CAN'T *HEAR* YOU, MAY-YO-NAISE!!!
[Playing off the movie "Full Metal Jacket"]
(Megatron waits as Dinobot blasts away at his rock cover... then turns
and fires, nailing the immobile Dinobot and flipping him over)
DOUG : Yea, if you don't flip them over they'll get cooked too much on one
side.
ROB : How do ya like your lizard done?
SIPHER : Rare, bordering on hard-to-find.
(Primal takes to the air, using the riot shield to block the Predacon
fire)
SIPHER : Aaaaaaand they don't use those shields more often WHY?
(Optimus shields Dinobot...)
DINOBOT : This... is strategically... unsound...
ROB : But dammit, I love you.
(Optimus hoists Dinobot over his shoulder and takes to the air again.
But Terrorsaur has snuck up behind the two, and shoots Primal down.
Cheetor tenses as he witnesses this...)
SIPHER : Just sit back and drink in the carnage.
(Cheetor snarls and fires at Terrorsaur... until a bolt from Megatron
sends him flying)
MEGATRON : They're finished!
DOUG : (Mortal Kombat) FINISH THEM!
[From Midway's series of ultra-gory fighting video games]
TIGATRON : Ships' guns, FIRE!!
(The guns open up. Scorponok is the first to fall, then
Blackarachnia...)
SIPHER : (Quickstrike voice) Sugar-bot! NOOOOOOO!!!
(Doug & Robert join in the wailing)
[Doing a time-warp here, as we quote Quickstrike, the rootin'est tootin'est
Predacon who appears in the later Beast Wars episodes]
(Tarantulas falls too, Megatron get close... but then is sent FLYING
as a bolt catches him. A moment of silence...)
(Optimus picks himself up, and looks at his hands... he's sparkling
with Energon overload)
SIPHER : (Stoner voice) TRAILS, mannnnn...
(Primal transforms to beast mode, then clutches at his ears as engine
noise grows...)
SIPHER : On man... shouldn't have touched the brown acid...
[A Woodstock reference. The ORIGINAL Woodstock that wasn't a hollow
corporate sham.]
(Interior of the Axalon's main engine... moving through it as it
powers up...)
(Shot through the elevator shaft... Cheetor crawls towards the lift)
ROB : Oh great, Cheetor's crawling home DRUNK again.
DOUG : Well, he is a teenager, what do you expect?
(As Cheetor makes the lift...)
SIPHER : (upchuck noises)
(Cheetor realizes his hand is no longer touching the ground... the
Axalon is lifting off. He snaps out of semi-consciousness.)
CHEETOR : The train's pulling out! OPTIMUUUUUUS!!!
(Shot of beast-mode Primal carrying Dinobot, limping)
ROB : Look what I found, can I keep it?
RHINOX : C'mon... C'MON...
(Optimus picks up as much pace as he can... the Axalon moves further
up...)
(Optimus GROWLS and hurls Dinobot onto the lift high above)
DOUG : Jeez, this guy'd KILL at the Highland Games!
[The Highland Games are a set of traditional Celtic/Scottish sports. One of
them involves throwing a caber, a 16-to-20-foot log that weighs up to 120
pounds.]
(Primal LEAPS, and grabs Cheetor's outstretched hand)
DOUG : And in the NBA!
SIPHER : White apes can't jump.
[Riffing the movie title, "White Men Can't Jump"]
(Scorponok picks himself up... gets a claw up and fires a missile at
the dangling Optimus... the missile STRIKES the two, forcing them to
let go...)
(Silent, slo-mo shots of Optimus falling, arm outstretched...)
SIPHER : (VERRRRRRRY slow) Ooooooooooooooooh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap...
(Back to real-time, Optimus hits the ground far below with a THUD)
SIPHER : Optimus Pancake.
DOUG : Optimus Pizza.
ROB : Optimus Puddle.
CHEETOR : *OPTIMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSS!!!*
(The Axalon moves up past a cliffside... and Megatron runs for it!)
DOUG : Gah! I'm here!
(Megatron leaps and grabs a hanging strut)
ROB : Check out Pitfall Harry there!
[Activision's classic video game "Pitfall!" featured Pitfall Harry running
and jumping through a jungle in search of lost treasure]
(Moving up the elevator... Rattrap sees a VERY somber Dinobot and
Cheetor. He visibly deflates when he sees Optimus ain't there...)
DINOBOT : You... urk... should have left me... behind!
RATTRAP : (pissed) HEY, pal, Optimus got left behind just to save YOUR
scaly skin! So don't spoil the sacrifice! CAPICHE?
(Megatron stomps in)
MEGATRON : Oh, but it IS already spoiled! Yess!
SIPHER : So THAT explains the odor! I thought it was me!
(Megatron effortlessly blasts the standing Maximals... leaving only
Rattrap (in beast mode) not sprawled across the floor)
DOUG : (meekly) Mother!
(He looks at all the fallen Maximals and starts shivering)
RATTRAP : Ho-*boy!*
ROB : (same tone) I think I just filled my oil pan!
RATTRAP : Rattrap: MAXIMUUUUGH!!!
(Megatron grabs Rattrap with his dino-head arm and begins crushing)
MEGATRON : NONE of that, vermin! Noooo. For now, I will crush you like
a RAT... in a TRAP!
SIPHER : But he didn't put the man in the pan!
[From the commercials for the Milton Bradley board game "Mousetrap!", which
involved a huge, elaborate, Rube-Goldberg-style contraption to drop a net
to trap other people's mice. Goldberg, by the way, was a Pulitzer-winning
cartonist most famous for drawing elaborate inventions to do simple tasks.]
(Rhinox picks himself up)
RHINOX : Not... A... *CHANCE!!!*
(He storms towards Megatron, who throws Rattrap away... and Rhinox
SOCKS Megatron in the puss)
DOUG : (Howard Cosell) RIGHT THERE!
[Howard Cosell's distinctive voice and sports-calling style will be missed]
(Rhinox knocks away Megatron's tail-weapon, then picks him up and
dumps him head-first onto the lift. He lifts his foot... and stomps
down HARD, sending Megatron down the shaft and falling to earth)
SIPHER : (As baby Plucky Duck) Megatron go down de hoooooole!
[Baby Plucky originally appeared in the "Tiny Toon Adventures" cartoon series]
(Rhinox steps back... then the bridge goes red, klaxons wail and
emergency lights flash)
ROB : (computer voice) Plot alert! Plot alert!
(Megatron's tail-weapon is sticking out of the main control panel,
sparks flying. Cut to the main engine as holes are punched through
it as it overloads...)
ROB : THIS is why you should get your oil checked every three thousand
miles.
[Playing off the popular advice that your automobile's motor oil should be
changed every 3,000 miles for optimum performance]
(Shot of the Axalon as its engines fail...)
DOUG : (Cartoon car sputtering sounds, ending in a raspberry)
RATTRAP : ACK! Were goin' DOWN! DO SOMETHIN'!!!
(The Axalon plummets to earth...)
SIPHER : That's the biggest lawn dart I've ever seen.
(The Maximals float around inside as the ship falls faster)
RATTRAP : WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!
DINOBOT : Wait! Down in the sky! Is it a bird?
SIPHER : Oh no.
RHINOX : Maybe a plane!
DOUG : Don't...
RATTRAP : Naw! It's OPTIMUS!!
ALL : (Various groans)
["It's a bird -- it's a plane -- it's Superman!"]
(Optimus rockets up and slams into the Axalon, slowing its fall.
Dinobot and Rhinox are flung forward... and their faces smack into the
camera)
DOUG : Kissy kissy!
(Optimus' jets are SPEWING flame as the Axalon's fall slows more...
Tigatron and Cheetor gasp in amazement...)
SIPHER : (Odd mouth-breather noises)
(The Axalon is set back down, right where it started, a few support
struts crushed, but on the whole okay)
ROB : Okay, I call No Way!
(Inside, a little later. Tigatron pats Primal on the shoulder. Cheetor
gives him a hug.)
ROB : Oh my.
DOUG : HE'S demonstrative...
OPTIMUS : Damage report.
RHINOX : In a word...
SIPHER : Thunderbird!
ROB : What's the price?
SIPHER : Forty twice!
ALL : NICE!
[From the old commercials for Thunderbird malt liquor]
CHEETOR : What about Rattrap and Dinobot? Are they okay?
(Rattrap is in the doorway of a CR chamber, where Dinobot is slumped
down.)
RATTRAP : MAN, y'know, it's YOUR fault that I ain't kickin' back on
Cybertron right now, you overgrown stinky iguana!
DINOBOT : Hnn. I've done the planet a favor.
RATTRAP : Hey! HEY! Ya want me to show ya just how velociraptors got
extinct?
DOUG : (As Dinobot) Optimus! Rattrap's picking on me!
SIPHER : (As Rattrap) Am not!
DOUG : (Dino) Are too!
SIPHER : (Rat) Am not!
DOUG : (Dino) Are too!
DINOBOT : Go scurry through a maze, mouse!
RATTRAP : Yeah? Well, why don't you come and MAKE me, lizard-lips!!
DOUG : (As Dinobot again) Are you as turned on as I am?
SIPHER : (As Rattrap again) More!
ROB : EYUW!
[Parody of the classic Sam and Diane argument scene from the TV sitcom
"Cheers"]
(Optimus laughs, and the episode ends...)
OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights on, stop tape)
***************************************************************************
SKIT 2 : REJECTION
***************************************************************************
SIPHER : You know, without special events and presentations like this,
BotCon would really only be a glorified toy show.
DOUG : That's right, and 3H goes to great lengths to make sure their shows
are packed with things to do to the point where you don't sleep at
all and collapse from exhaustion.
ROB : And to boot, there's a TON of panels and events that they consider
yet reject for one reason or another... well, we're here now to
present to you... (important announcement voice) The BotCon Events
That You Didn't Attend!
SIPHER : Yes, using expensive spy technology and employing the services of
an expert computer hacker by the name of LordViperScorpion, we've
gone through 3H's personal memos and email to uncover some of the
event that didn't happen, and NOT their credit card numbers.
(Everyone fails to look innocent)
DOUG : Let's see what we got. Okay, first on the list... oh yes, the
Autobot/Decepticon/Maximal/Predacon free-for-all. BYOB.
ROB: Bring your own banana?
SIPHER: Bring your own bayonette.
ROB : Hmmmm. Howsabout this? "Throttlebot quick-transforming contest".
Dumped when they couldn't find a stopwatch with small enough time
increments.
SIPHER : Followed shortly by the "Throttlebot slow-transforming contest",
dropped when they decided that was just stupid.
DOUG : Oh my, check this out... "Mud Wrestling with Alec Willows".
SIPHER : Apparently Alec submitted that one.
ROB : Oh, and check this dropped contest out... "Most Embarrassing Drooling
Display Towards Venus Terzo".
SIPHER : Alec submitted that one too. Hey, lookit this! It's a combo
event... "The Fanboy Lame Question Marathon" and the "Hasbro
Evasive Answer-O-Rama"!
ROB : Sipher? That one went through. That was the Hasbro Panel.
SIPHER : Oh. Hey, this one looks innocent enough. I wonder why it was
canned?
DOUG : Which one?
SIPHER : This one, the pinata event. "One each of an oversized faction
symbol filled with various candies".
ROB : Think about it. Rabid fans, instant sugar rushes, big thwacky
sticks...
SIPHER : Exactly.
ROB : Ah.
DOUG : Actually, it seems like they cancelled it after they couldn't find a
location with a high enough ceiling... Karl Hartman just kept
punching it without the stick.
ROB : Then there's the "Most Pathetic Transformers Toy Idea" panel, which
was dropped when the test audience degenerated into a fistfight.
DOUG : Well, here's the "Out-Fast-Talk John Moschitta contest". Apparently
they would have had to disqualify any athsma sufferers. Good lord,
someone died testing that out.
SIPHER : Here's one... an elongated discussion of why bringing up "Dark
Glass" should be a shooting offense.
DOUG : "The Nightscream Defamation League Meeting".
[This was actually an early idea for a skit, but the jokes weren't coming]
ROB : "Bowling for Animorphs"...
SIPHER : I think that's "Bowling WITH Animorphs", Rob. Hmmm. "The Alec
Willows Kissing Booth"... jeezus, Alec.
DOUG : "Scaring the Non-Fans in the Hotel"...
ROB : Well ,that one's pretty much a given non-official event anyway. Oh,
hey, "Raksha's TF-Named Critters Petting Zoo".
SIPHER : Eek.
ROB : Oh, hey, and check this out... "Watching Three Guys Watch TF
Episodes". What the hell is THAT all about?
OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights off, start tape)
***************************************************************************
EPISODE 2 : FORBIDDEN FRUIT
***************************************************************************
TITLE : Forbidden Fruit
ROB : Now, this is the part of the presentation we like to call "Now Turn
Your Head And Cough."
SIPHER : Could be worse. We COULD be watching Max Steel.
DOUG : I could also just shoot myself and be done with it.
["Max Steel" the toy is a 12-inch action figure from Mattel, to compete
with Hasbro's "Action Man" 12-inch action figure (which is a repackaged
version of their original 12-inch "G.I. Joe" figure). "Max Steel" the TV
show is a computer-generated cartoon to promote the toy, and hurts in so
many bad ways...]
(Blackarachnia and Cheetor are kung-fu-fighting in beast mode while
Optimus Primal watches)
DOUG : MORTAL WOMBAAAAAT!!!
[More from Midway's ultra-gory fighting video game series]
(Cheetor turns to walk away, close-up on Cheetor and his bizarre
front legs)
SIPHER : Whoah, how many knees does he HAVE?!
[A serious editorial comment on Cheetor's front legs, which have far more
joints than they should]
(Blackarachnia resumes the attack, Cheetor counters)
ROB : I call no "Kung-Fu Fighting" singing.
SIPHER : Wouldn't dream of it.
["Kung-Fu Fighting" is a fun and silly little song about cheesy Asian
kung-fu movies, first performed by Carl Douglas in the late 70's]
(Close-up of a shadowy form near the ceiling with two glowing red
eyes)
SIPHER : Damn red-eye control never works.
[If you photograph someone with a flash, but their retinas haven't
compensated for the bright light, they often end up with a bizarre-looking
glowing "red-eye" effect]
(Cheetor lands a kick that sends Black flying backwards)
OPTIMUS : Good.
DOUG : You've inflicted pain on a teammate, excellent.
OPTMIUS : ... find your center, your still point.
CHEETOR : Find my still point, find my still point...
SIPHER : I could make a REALLY filthy joke here but 3H won't let me.
[Scripts from previous TFMSTing shows have had some jokes removed because
they were deemed too risque by 3H Enterprises, the organization that runs
BotCon. Though that may change after the super-randy voice actors' panel
from BotCon 2001, heh heh...]
(Blackarachnia transforms as Cheetor leaps, and she kicks him away)
OPTIMUS : Reach out to the Matrix, Cheetor! Don't give in to emotion!
ROB : (Yoda voice) Fear leads to anger! Anger to hate!
[Now stealing from "The Phantom Menace," where Yoda tries to spook young
Anakin Skywalker]
(Cheetor hits the ground in robot mode)
BLACKARACHNIA : Huh. Nice recovery.
CHEETOR : I'm a cat, remember? We always land on our feet.
DOUG : Even though my toy won't STAND on its feet.
[Trying to get a Beast Machines Cheetor toy to stand on its own is an
exercise for the VERY patient]
OPTIMUS : ... we don't want to attract any Vehicons.
(Cheetor snarls... then charges)
OPTIMUS : Cheetor, no! Remember your still point!
(Black nonchalantly leaps into the air and transforms, kicking Cheetor
as he dashes under her... we're then treated to a "Matrix"-y pause-
and-turn shot of Cheetor stumbling through the air)
SIPHER : I've seen a million shots like that in student demo reels. Can we
move on?
[Yes, it's a Matrix shot. And yes, it's far too overdone.]
(Cheetor slices through a web Black somehow puts in front of him, but
then slams into a rock in beast mode)
OPTIMUS : How do you expect to master your new body...
ALL : (polite coughing and throat-clearing at passed opportunity for dirty
jokes)
OPTIMUS : ... if you keep turning your back on the Matrix, the source
of our very Sparks?
CHEETOR : (angry) I hate to disappoint you, big bot, but in the heat
of the battle I have to follow my instincts, not blind
faith!
SIPHER : Besides, their music sucks.
[Commenting on the musical group "Blind Faith"]
(The shadowy figure turns to watch Rattrap, sitting on a rock in beast
mode...)
RATTRAP : ... find my center, clear my mind... I am... transformed!
(Nothing happens)
RATTRAP : (disgusted grunt) Okay, clearing my mind, my mind's a total
blank, not thinking about anything...
ROB : The test audience for any Adam Sandler movie.
[Adam Sandler is the lowbrow comic "genius" behind movies such as "Little
Nicky" and "Big Daddy". Someone stop him.]
RATTRAP : I am transformed!
(Yelps as he sparks and shudders, spins around on the rock sparking)
SIPHER : (Curly "woob-woob-woob!" noises)
[Inspiration from the Three Stooges' immortal Curly Howard]
(Cheetor & Black snicker)
RATTRAP : HEY!
OPTIMUS : Patience, Rattrap. As you've already learned, there are no
shortcuts to mastering the technique!
DOUG : (struggling) Kids... in... audience! Can't... tell... joke!
RATTRAP : Why don't you save your advice for Rhinox and Silverbolt!
(Optimus sighs and walks off)
CHEETOR : That was low, even for you!
BLACK : You KNOW how guilty he feels about losing them! Along with the
rest of the planet!
ROB : Yeah, he put them on top of the car and drove off.
RATTRAP : ... I got enough on my plate worrying about my own tail!
BLACK : Vintage Rattrap...
SIPHER : CASE FRESH, C-10 CONDITION VINTAGE RATTRAP FOR SALE!
["C-10" is toy dealer lingo for a pristine toy in its pristine never-opened
packaging. The particular line was made famous by "Transking", a toy
dealer on the Usenet Transformers newsgroups who hawked his toys with more
enthusiasm than a televangelist trying to raise funds for his new mansion.]
RATTRAP : ... you ain't stuck in this worthless beast mode!
DOUG : Didn't Beast Wars already cover that little plot point?
SIPHER : Just add that to the list of things these characters forgot
between the two series.
(Optimus LEAPS and grabs the shadowy figure... Rattrap uses a light on
his tail to illuminate the area...)
OPTIMUS : Gotcha!
(Optimus hangs from a rafter with his feet, clutching a large bat in
his arms, which lets out a LOUD shriek)
ROB : Yeah, I always get stuck in front of THAT on a plane trip.
[Ever spent a long airplane flight in front of a shrieking baby? Robert
once did fourteen hours in front of THREE. He still has nightmares...]
(Optimus can't take it and lets go, hitting the floor)
CHEETOR : A bat! Where'd that come from?
BLACK : But that's impossible! How could it LIVE down here?
RATTRAP : Eh, even with wings, a rat's a rat!
SIPHER : But a bat's not a rat!
DOUG : Would you could you with a rat? Would you could you with a bat?
[More Dr. Seuss-inspired poetry]
(The bat flies out a tunnel)
OPTIMUS : Explanations later! Right now we have to catch it before it
gets away!
(Flight through the tunnel)
OPTIMUS : Stay in beast mode! We don't want to attract Vehicons!
ROB : Sure, like they won't HEAR you yelling like a mad ape...
(The bat flies... the Maximals chase... Optimus smashes through a
barrier)
DOUG : Kind of a motif for the series, isn't it? Run run run run run.
SIPHER : (singing) A do run run run, a do run run!
[From the '50s oldies beach song which everyone knows but nobody remembers
the title to]
(The bat turns to get through a narrow opening in the tunnel ahead.
Optimus growls to ram the obstacle... and slams into it head-on,
stopping cold and falling on his rear)
SIPHER : The wise man of the series, ladies and gentlemen.
(Rattrap leaps up to grab the bat, and does so... but another shriek
sends him reeling)
RATTRAP : Oww, my ears!!
ROB : Your WHAT?!
DOUG : EARS. He said EARS!
(An energy web appears in the tunnel right in front of the bat, but it
stops in time to turn away from it. But Cheetor transforms to robot
mode right as it turns, pinning it to the ground)
OPTIMUS : Look out!!
(Optimus and Rattrap fall right into the web and stick to it)
BLACK : (sigh) Is this what you meant by "find your still point"?
SIPHER : Hyuck hyuck. The hilarity. My sides.
CHEETOR : Poor thing. Who knew there were any animals left on
Cybertron.
BLACK : Who knew there were any animals EVER on Cybertron.
DOUG : Me! (raises his hand)
RATTRAP : Well, now that we got it, what are we gonna do with it?
OPTIMUS : We can't set it free!
SIPHER : We don't love it!
[From the popular inspirational message, "If you love something, set it free"]
BAT : Get your stinkin' paws OFF me, you big, dirty, ape!
ROB : He's no Charlton Heston.
SIPHER : He's not even Charlton Chew.
[Charlton Heston was the stranded astronaut from the original "Planet of
the Apes" movie, and that quote was his first sentence to the sentient apes
who captured him. Charlton Chew is a nougat candy bar with a chocolate
coating. It is left to the reader to determine which one is brighter...]
BLACKARACHNIA : You're a Maximal?
BAT : No, I'm a figment of your imagination! Of COURSE I'm a Maximal!
Question is, what are YOU supposed to be?!
DOUG : Hasbro's big-money items for 2000.
OPTIMUS : It's a long story.
BAT : Ah, whatEVER.
ROB : I hate this guy already.
(The bat starts to fly off)
OPTIMUS : Wait! Who are you?
SIPHER : I'm Batman!
(Doug and Rob groan and yell)
[From the first Tim Burton "Batman" movie, starring Michael Keaton]
(The web explodes, sending the Maximals flying... and Jetstorm and a
horde of Aero-Drones gather in the newly-formed hole)
JETSTORM : Well, well, well. Looks like what we have here is an
unlawful assembly!
ROB : Hey, SOME assembly required, man!
JETSTORM : I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take you boys downtown... IN
PIECES!!!
(Commerical break... and back)
(Jetstorm laughs, then he and the Aero-Drones open fire)
OPTIMUS : I am transformed!
DOUG : I am just standing here in the middle of a firestorm and not getting
touched!
BLACK : I am transformed!
SIPHER : I am not believing what awful shots the Vehicons are!
ROB : Man, Cobra had better aim!
[Cobra was the evil terrorist group that fought the heroes from Hasbro's
G.I. Joe toy line and cartoon]
(Rattrap scurries to the side)
RATTRAP : Man, I HATE this part!
DOUG : Yes, and this part is the Maximals using the same tired moves they
always do!
(Optimus does his "deflect and redirect" energy attack to destroy some
drones)
SIPHER : Stock move number one...
(Cheetor deflects shots with his swords)
ROB : And stock move number two...
(Cheetor runs up the wall and kicks away two drones)
BAT : Way to GO, Maximals! What's it take, like five millicycles for
you to lead 'em right TO me?
DOUG : NEXT time we'll make it four, punk!
(Jetstorm grabs the bat)
JETSTORM : Don't worry about the pain, bat-boy!
SIPHER : Hey, I read the Weekly World News and that is NOT Bat Boy!
[The "Weekly World News" is a tabloid newspaper whose headlines always
feature lurid and gripping reports of stuff like secret Satanic cults,
shocking new prophesies, and the Bat-Boy of Mud Bay]
(Optimus does another redirect, this time blasting Jetstorm, setting
the bat free, who flies off)
OPTIMUS : WAIT!!!
(The Maxis get blasted back to their beast modes...)
OPTIMUS : Maximals, RETREAT!
ALL : RUN AWAY!
[Playing off "Monty Python's Flying Circus"]
JETSTORM : Jetstorm - AFTERBURN!
(Jetstorm and his drones transform to jet mode and give chase)
DOUG : Oh goody, MORE running and chasing!
RATTRAP : Oh, there better be cheese at the end of this maze!
ROB : Oh, there's plenty of cheese right NOW...
(Jetstorm & company reach an intersection... his cockpit turns left
and right)
SIPHER : He's a Gumby plane!
[Gumby is the super-flexible little green clay-animated figure, who goes on
fun adventures with his orange clay pony pal Pokey]
JETSTORM : I LOVE it when they play hard to get!
(Jetstorm releases a little disc which flies back and forth before
rocketing down one tunnel, and the jets follow)
SIPHER : (as the disc flits around) Which way did he go, George, which way
did he go!
[Riffing from assorted old Warner Bros.' cartoons]
(The Maxis duck kand the disc rockets past them)
BLACK : He missed!
(Jetstorm appears and transforms)
JETSTORM : Au contraire, mon cher!
DOUG : From there to here, from here to there!
ROB : I would not could not on Cybertron... ummm...
SIPHER : Green Energon and ham?
[We just can't stop the Seuss rhymes, can we?]
(The disc whirls back to attack the Maxis again... but the bat pops up
and shrieks in a close-up, sending the disc shaking off-course)
ROB : That FACE! Aie!
(Jetstorm and the drones flee around the corner... the Maxis watch...
DOUG : Wait for it...
(And then there's a GIANT explosion)
OPTIMUS : Lookout!!
(Jetstorm picks himself up... making VERY odd noises...)
JETSTORM : Ugh, whoah... ooh!
SIPHER : (Starts making even odder, RUDER noises)
(The bat pops up ONCE AGAIN, shrieking, disrupting the drones)
ROB : And speaking of offensive noises!
DOUG : Those drones are mighty clean for being at ground zero like that...
(Drone's-eye view on another drone)
DRONE COMP : Compensating...
(The first drone blasts a second drone, but is then blasted by a third
drone... etc.)
ROB : I guess Bill Gates hadn't worked all the bugs out yet.
SIPHER : Surprise, suprise.
[Bill Gates is the chief technologist for Microsoft, whose computer programs
are infamous for having thousands of errors ("bugs") in them]
JETSTORM : WHAT are you DOING?!
SIPHER : Well, I'm thinkin' about shootin' ya.
(The drone fires, knocking Jetstorm on his can)
JETSTORM : That's IT!!! I'm *through* working with a bunch of empty-
headed...
ROB : Writers.
DOUG : Ouch.
(The Maxis appear over the edge, snarling)
JETSTORM : Ganging up on ME?! Let's see how tough you are when I bring
a whole BATTALION back!!!
SIPHER : Of course, had you done this back in the first episode, the
Maximals would be dead by now.
DOUG : A battalion of the drones you were just dissing. Mm-hmmm.
CHEETOR : Thank the Matrix *he's* gone.
BAT : Yeah, and if you were smart, you'd be gone too.
ROB : I warn ya, I'm only gonna get MORE annoying!
(The bat flies off...)
OPTIMUS : W-wait! Who are you?!
SIPHER : Sergeant Batguano, if that IS your name...
[From the immortal Stanley Kubrick dark comedy, "Dr. Strangelove". Rob is
shamed that he didn't catch this reference initially.]
BAT : Ah, you'll find your way out in time! Follow me!
DOUG : Um, in time for what?
ROB : Howdy Doody time!
["It's Howdy Doody Time!" was the opening call from the old Howdy Doody
TV puppet show]
OPTIMUS : What's your name, son?
BAT : HAH! What are we, *family* now?
SIPHER : You didn't let me finish, you son of a-
(The Maximals walking through a tunnel...)
OPTIMUS : And that's when I bonded with the Oracle...
(Doug & Sipher cough and suppress laughter)
ROB : Timmy, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
[Borrowing another innuendo-laced line from the movie "Airplane!"]
BAT : I thought the Matrix was just a myth!
RATTRAP : Tch! Some myth! It gave us these techno-organic bodies!
SIPHER : Everyone in the audience got that? Good.
[A partial lift from Mel Brooks' science-fiction movie spoof "Spaceballs",
in which the villain Dark Helmet asks the audience if they caught the piece
of exposition that was just given to them.]
OPTIMUS : You're the first survivor we've found! What happened here?
DOUG : People rioting over Elian Gonzalez.
[A cultural reference to Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez, whose mother died in
shark-infested waters when they fled to Florida. Elian's Cuban father
wanted to bring him home, but the Cubans in Florida didn't want to release
him, and ended up staging massive riots and protests to make their point.]
BAT : Nobody saw it coming.
ROB : Tom Greene got a six-picture development deal.
SIPHER : Ye GODS!!
[Tom Greene is a Canadian comedian. Or, to hear Sipher tell it, a no-
talent obnoxiously annoying anti-funny "comedian" who sucks the funny out
of everything he comes near, a comedy black hole with lots of sucking...]
(Shot of a bright & happy Cybertron suddenly hit by a virus "bomb")
BAT : Everyone was infected.
DOUG : They HAD to buy new Pokemon toys!
[Do I have to explain what Pokemon are?]
BAT : ... many just dissapeared... then the *drones* came.
SIPHER : (singing) Send in the drones...
[A spoof of the melancholy song, "Send in the Clowns"]
(Overhead shot of a dark alley, with Vehicon searchlights scanning...)
SIPHER: In this shot we cannot see Soundwave. Soundwave, would you stand
up, please?
ROB : That's not Soundwave.
SIPHER : I don't care.
[Sipher starts off here parodying the "How Not To Be Seen" skit from Monty
Python's Flying Circus. "Soundwave's" fate even closely parallels the
skit's.]
(The robot that looks rather like Soundwave but isn't gets blasted, a
smaller robot runs from behind it)
BAT : I fled underground... deeper, deeper...
DOUG : (As the Gesture Professor) Going *down*, *down*...
[The Gesture Professor was featured on an episode of "Mystery Science
Theater 3000"]
(End of flashback)
BAT : I reactivated looking like this.
ROB : Uglier than a mud fence.
SIPHER : Stop clocks NOTHIN', he'd give Father Time a heart attack.
BAT : Well, here we are.
DOUG : At the end of my flashback. I hope you've enjoyed watching it as
much as I've enjoyed telling it. Good night, and may God bless.
(They enter a new room... one with a large tree in the very middle)
OPTIMUS : An organic tree on Cybertron?!
ROB : Looks like Christmas isn't cancelled after all, kids!
[A reference to comedian Jon Stewart's bit on how every Christmas TV
special is the same. "Looks like we're not going to have a Christmas this
year ... WAIT!"]
(The bat plucks a fruit off the tree)
BAT : This'll make ya better!
DOUG : Well, that and a second look at the toys to get the models right.
BAT : See?
(The bat eats a fruit and his eyes glow red for a brief second)
SIPHER : Oh yeah, you've really sold me there, kid. I'll take ten.
CHEETOR : (annoyed) We refuel on Energon. *PERIOD.*
ROB : *COMMA.*
DOUG : *AMPERSAND.*
SIPHER : *COLON.*
OPTIMUS : Or rather we USED to, until we got reformatted by the
Matrix.
ROB : Remember that?
SIPHER : Of course I do, they WON'T let us FORGET it.
[Commenting on the heavy overuse of exposition from the "Beast Machines" TV
show]
RATTRAP : Welp, only one way to find out!
(Attempts to take a bite of a fruit)
CHEETOR : (Swatting away the fruit) What are you DOING?!
SIPHER : (As Rattrap) Completely ignoring three seasons o' paranoia and
skepticism on my part, you?
CHEETOR : ... how else could Jetstorm find us so quickly?
BLACK : Because SOMEONE panicked and went to robot mode! That's how
they scan us, remember?
DOUG : Is there anything ELSE from the last couple shows we should mention
again just to be safe?
SIPHER : Mention the virus again, that's always a good one.
BAT : I've been trying to remember how to transform! I thought I could
learn by watching him! (points to Rattrap, who smiles) Like
THAT would ever happen.
RATTRAP : (snarling) "Like THAT would ever happen..."
ROB : Hit him! Give in to the Dark Side! You know you wanna!
[A crosswise reference to the "Star Wars" movie, which taught that hitting
innocents was a Bad Thing that only followers of the Dark side of the Force
would ever do]
(Optimus attempts to take a bite)
CHEETOR : What are you DOING?!
DOUG : Repeating my lines!
OPTIMUS : The Matrix lead us here. This could be the path to
understanding our newly-organic natures!
ROB : A grapefruit diet?
SIPHER : (singing) Grapefruit diet!
DOUG & ROB : OH YEAH!
["Grapefruit Diet" is a song by comedy musician "Weird Al" Yankovic, as a
parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by The Cherry Poppin' Daddies]
(Cheetor watches as Optimus, Black & Rattrap scarf down a fruit each)
ROB : Okay, an alien life form never before seen on our planet... LET'S EAT
IT! YEAH!
SIPHER: Scientific tests? Buncha hooey, this is the REAL way to find out
what something'll do to ya!
DOUG : And when you wake up dead, you'll know not to eat the alien fruit
again!
RATTRAP : Anyone for seconds?
(Cheetor snarls and leaves)
RATTRAP : Eh. Party pooper.
(Blackarachnia's eyes glow red and she shudders)
DOUG : Whoof. That was me, sorry.
(Optimus also shudders as his eyes glow)
SIPHER : Man, goes right through ya, huh? Light a match.
[We are not beneath a few fart jokes]
(Optimus leaps up to the tree, sounding more like an animal)
CHEETOR : (quietly horrified) Optimus?
(Commercial break)
CHEETOR : Optimus, what's HAPPENING to you?!
ROB : Just re-establishing that I'm now a flake.
OPTIUMS : Sit! Eat! Get strong!
(Cheetor turns to see Black & Ratty making more animal noises as they
devour fruits)
CHEETOR : No way. SOMEONE has to be responsible around here.
DOUG : CHEETOR the responsible one? They're dead.
(Cheetor walk out... to be followed by the bat. Cheetor growls at
him...)
BAT : Take it easy! I'm worried about your buddies too! I didn't know
the fruit was gonna effect them like that!
CHEETOR : Like I'm supposed to believe THAT! This whole thing stinks
of Megatron!
SIPHER : No, that's the methane.
[Yes, kids, your toots containe flammable methane. That's our science
lesson for today.]
BAT : WATCH IT! Megatron destroyed everything and every I ever
cared about! Don't you EVER accuse me of-
DOUG : Being a likable character!
CHEETOR : Shhhh!
(They both turn to a humming sound... down one tunnel we see Jetstorm
leading a large pack of Aero-Drones.)
SIPHER : Yeah, NOT splitting up is always the best search tactic.
(The two run back into the tree room)
CHEETOR : Guys! It's Jetstorm! We gotta book!
ROB : It's _Transformers for Dummies_!
[A riff on the popular line of "X for Dummies" books]
(The three are still scarfing fruit and making animal noises)
DOUG : I dunno, they won't get scurvy anytime soon.
[Scurvy is a disease that occurs if one does not get enough vitamin C.
A good source of vitamin C is fresh fruit. Another fun science fact!]
(Primal bangs his chest in anger)
SIPHER : Remember kids, just say no to fresh fruit.
[Parodying the "Just say no to drugs" series of anti-drug public service
anouncements]
(The three Maximals advance on Cheetor)
CHEETOR : Get a grip, people, it's ME!
ALL : We know!
(A blast sends the Maximals flying, Jetstorm and his drones enter)
JETSTORM : Seek, and ye shall find!
SIPHER : Oooh, I seek Tia Carerra! I SEEK TIA CARERRA!
[Tia Carerra is, needless to say, an attractive actress]
CHEETOR : (Standing stock still and not getting touched by the
blasts) I am transformed!
DOUG : I have a hard time buying the "drone apocalypse" story every time I
see what really awful shots they are.
(The Maximals walk through the firestorm back to the tree)
CHEETOR : GUYS!! What are you DOING?!
ROB : They're following their nose to Froot Loops!
DOUG : Oh, they're Froot Loops all right...
[From the General Mills' "Fruit Loops" cereal commercials]
(Cheetor eyes the tree roots... and stops deflecting the blasts, not
that it matters because nothing TOUCHES him...)
SIPHER : Why am I bothering with the swords? They ain't anywhere CLOSE to
hittin' me!
(Cheetor leaps, and we get another weak "Matrix"-esque stop-n-rotate
shot...)
ROB : The Lame-trix.
(Cheetor slices through the tree, which goes ISNTANTLY brown, then
turns to dust)
DOUG : Yeah, that's the fate of anything in MY yard.
[Not all of us are natural-born gardeners]
(The Maximals snap out of their animalistic state...)
SIPHER : Wai-wai-WAITAMINIT! Did the tree have some kinda Vulcan mind-
control thing on them?! What the hell?!
[I can't believe I have to explain this one ... "Vulcan mind-meld" comes
from the original "Star Trek" TV series. Spock, the Vulcan science
officer, could enter into a trance-like "mind-meld" with another being,
whereupon they'd share each other's thoughts and feelings.]
OPTIMUS : Maximals... counter-attack! I AM TRANSFORMED!
DOUG : Why don't you just wait until they run out of ammo?
ROB : Or get bored and go home or something.
BAT : (panicky) What did you do?! What did you DO?!
DOUG : (Schwartzenegger voice) Ah did sahm gahdening.
[Doug channels Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Austrian-accented action hero]
(Jetstorm actually HITS the bat with his guns!)
SIPHER : Holy crap, they HIT something!
ROB : It's that whole infinite monkeys and typewriters and Hamlet thing,
you know.
[From the old adage, "If you had an infinite number of monkeys typing on an
infinite number of typewriters, eventually one of them will write 'Hamlet'"]
(Optimus shields the downed bat)
OPTIMUS : ... I can reformat him.
SIPHER : So he's going to wipe all the information from him and leave him a
blank slate then.
ROB : I got no objections with that. Doug?
DOUG : Oh, no. Go for it.
(Optimus' eyes glow... soon his whole body glows... a beam of light
touches the bat and he glows too...)
DOUG: Everyone clap your hands!
SIPHER : And throw in a few Huggbees while you're at it!
ALL : HUGGBEES! HUGGBEES! HUGGBEES!
[Huggbees are from the cartoon "Freakazoid!" Specifically, it's from a
scene in which Freakazoid is weak and helpless, and Sgt. Cosgrove urges the
audience to clap their hands to make him better, in a parody of
Tinkerbell's death scene from "Peter Pan". Cosgrove then encourages the
audience to "throw in some Huggbees as well", "Huggbees" being the name of
someone who supposedly wrote to the show (doubtful). Eventually, the
name "Huggbees" kept coming up in the show just because it was fun to say.
Such is the wacky world of "Freakazoid!"]
(We get the first look at the reformatted bat... same thing, he just
has some techno-crap on him)
DOUG : So he's exactly the same, only gaudier.
JETSTORM : Don't just hover there... GET THEM!!!
(The drones fire and miss, natch. The bat flies around and several
drones blow each other up trying to hit them.)
(Blackarachnia leaps up and in a slo-mo shot kicks several drones in
the noggin)
ALL : BOOT TO THE HEAD!!
[From the Canadian comedy team The Frantics, whose skit "Boot to the Head"
depicts a martial arts teacher and his class of unruly students. He keeps
them in line with well-placed boots (kicks) to their heads, and the skit
ends with a really goofy song...]
(Cheetor leans over a fallen Optimus, now in beast mode)
CHEETOR : Optimus!
(Jetstorm's odd laughter reverberates through the cavern)
SIPHER : Rrrrraceway Park!
(Jetstorm and two drones zero in on Cheetor, who's blocking all their
shots... then the bat flies up behind the three...)
BAT : I am TRANSFORMED!
(Close-up as his bat-legs shrink and retract into his body, his robot
legs zip out...)
ROB : Oh, I didn't need to see his crotch up close!
(The bat is now in robot mode... bat-wings on his legs and with a
dippy hair "flip" on his head)
RATTRAP : Aw, you GOTTA be KIDDIN' ME!!!
DOUG : He's even UGLIER, how did they pull THAT off?!
ROB : Transforms from ugly to uglier in three easy steps!
(The bat blows away the two drones with sonic attacks. Jetstorm turns,
and we get a nice up-close shot of the bat's robot-mode puss...)
(He spits a line out of his mouth, which hits Jetstorm in the chest,
draining his energy...)
SIPHER : So he has the power... to... SUCK.
ROB : I can't add anything that everyone here isn't already thinking.
[Noooooooooooooo comment]
(Jetstorm hits the floor)
JETSTORM : Uhn... Aero-Drones... initiate... evacuation sequence...
DOUG : (half-crying, whiny) My mom says you play too rough...
(The Maximals go back to beast mode)
CHEETOR : Optimus...
OPTIMUS : The reformatting... drained me... for now...
SIPHER : (As Col. Ripper) I deny them my essence...
[Again from Stanley Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove"]
OPTIMUS : ...until I regain my strength...
SIPHER : (Ripper still) Through our precious bodily fluids...
ROB : (laughing a little) Okay, that's enough
[Still more from "Dr. Strangelove"]
CHEETOR : Me? You wouldn't even be hurt if it wasn't for me.
SIPHER : Um...
CHEETOR : I destroyed the tree, remember?
DOUG : Yyyyyyyyyyyeah...
OPTIMUS : A wise decision... its purely organic nature was... de-
evolving our techno-organic bodies...
ROB : Are we not Beasts?
ALL : We are Devo!
[Playing off of the song and album "Q: Are We Not Men? A: We are Devo", by
the musical group Devo]
(Optimus lapses into unconsciousness)
CHEETOR : Build a stretcher. We're moving out.
RATTRAP : Sheesh. On the job a nano-cycle and ALREADY he's barkin'
orders.
DOUG : Meowing orders?
CHEETOR : (to the bat) Well kid, in or out?
BAT : In. And by the way, it's Nightscream.
ROB : Okay, Blightscream.
DOUG : Welcome aboard, Nighttwink.
SIPHER : Meet the others, Wipestreak.
(As the Maximals leave a remaining fruit begins to glow...)
DOUG : Hey, it's that light-bulb fruit from Duck Tales!
[Says it all, actually]
(Underground, tendrils shoot from the fruit... seeking...)
DOUG : Oh no, it's Legend of the Overfiend!
ALL : (Cries of revulsion and panic)
["Legend of the Overfiend" is a Japanese animated cartoon for adults. It
features naughty tentacles doing naughty things to innocent people...]
(Fade out)
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights on, stop tape)
***************************************************************************
SKIT 3 : COP-OUT
***************************************************************************
SIPHER : Ladies and gentlemen... and anything else... we're not here today
just to make you laugh or wonder what the hell is wrong with us.
No, were also here to INFORM.
DOUG : We certainl- huh?
SIPHER : Yes, that's right. I like to pretend that between the three of us,
we have a good broad base of knowledge involving most if not all
aspects of Transformerdom... Transformerdom?
ROB : How about Transformerology?
DOUG : Transformical Research.
ROB : Transformerism.
DOUG : Transformulatory Studies.
SIPHER : (Interrupting) *SO* *WE* *SHOULD* *BE* able to answer any
questions our audience may have. So that's what we're gonna do
here.
ROB : You just didn't want to write a full sketch for this segment, didn't
you?
SIPHER : (not missing a beat) Shut up. And so if you have a question, just
raise your hand and we'll see what we can do to answer you...
ROB : Or at least give you a skillful dodge.
DOUG : Actually, before we start, let me just clear up one or two
matters... (checks his notes) No, Hasbro will NOT re-release G1 toys
in the original colors and packaging and all that so don't ask.
Well, that's about it!
SIPHER : Okay, then...
(Sipher enters the crowd)
SIPHER : You sir, sitting here inconspicuously and conveniently seated in
the aisle?
PHIL : (Standing up) Yes, I'd like to know if Hasbro will be releasing all
the G1 toys anytime soon?
(Doug pulls out a gun and shoots Phil, who falls)
DOUG : REVENGE!!!
SIPHER : Yeeg.
ROB : All I did was give Hex a noogie.
HEX : (From audience) It hurt, too!
SIPHER : Okay then...
(Sipher finds a random audience member and asks him a question. The trio then
give an impromptu answer)
SIPHER : Very nice. Okay, you, miss.
VULCANA : Ah, yes... what ARE 3H's credit card numbers?
(There is a long pause)
SIPHER : (Leaning in) Talk to me after the show. Next!
(Sipher finds a not-too-random audience member, preferably a special BC guest
if they are attending)
SIPHER : (Right in front of the person, staring directly at them) Could be
ANYONE IN THE ROOM. ANYONE with a question. If ANYONE HERE has a
question, RAISE YOUR HAND.
(Continue until the victim asks a question or the bit isn't quite so funny
anymore. Improv answer.)
SIPHER : And you...
??? : Indigo speakerflange manual BEAST MODE turnip twirly granite awooga?
SIPHER : Glacier staff tuner capacitance GOD ON shrinkwrap bulbasaur.
(slight pause)
??? : Ooooooooh.
SIPHER : Huggbees.
DOUG : What did you TELL him/her?!
SIPHER : Not a single clue. Next!
(Another random audience member/improv answer)
SIPHER : You sir, with the leafy green bits.
XIPHOS : Yes, I've heard that this segment isn't actually completely
improv... that you have people in this audience pre-selected to
ask you prepared questions. Is this true?
SIPHER : (mustering dignity) NO, I'm sorry, there are no plants involved
with audience participation.
(Sipher takes one more true audience question)
ROB : Actually, I have a question... can we end this lame skit?
SIPHER : (VERY grateful) Oh dear god yes.
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights off, start tape)
***************************************************************************
EPISODE 3 : CITY OF STEEL
***************************************************************************
(Long shot of New York City)
SIPHER : I'm Sam. This is Max. We bust punks.
[From Steve Purcell's comic book and cartoon series, "Sam and Max:
Freelance Police," based out of New York City]
(In between the buildings)
DOUG : Well, everyone IS your friend in New York City.
SIPHER : And everything IS beautiful when you're young and pretty.
[From the song "New York City", originally by Cub, but covered by They
Might Be Giants]
(Laserbeak flies in shooting, blasting a manhole cover which glows and
hovers in mid-air. Laserbeak then flies into the sewers.)
ROB : Looks like the Turtles got a nice new Genie door opener.
[Spoofing those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, natch]
(Laserbeak flies through the sewers, shooting doors to open them)
DOUG : Just ring the bell, jeez!
(Laserbeak transforms & lands in Soundwave's chest compartment.)
ROB : OW! Slower next time!
HOOK : *I* finished the hard part, Scavenger, *you* should be able to
take it from here.
SCRAPPER : Wrong as usual, Hook. Drawing the *plans* for our new
headquarters was the hard part...
DOUG : That carpal-tunnel syndrome'll kill ya, man.
[Carpal-tunnel syndrone is a wrist injury some people get from long periods
of typing, writing, or drawing]
MEGATRON : Silence! I want you working, not nagging at each other like
hyperdriven chatteroids!
SIPHER : Got chatteroids? Try Preparation H.
[Preparation H is a popular cure for hemmeroids]
SOUNDWAVE : Laserbeak reports no Autobots in vicinity.
MEGATRON : Excellent, Soundwave. Carry on, Scavenger.
SIPHER : (Bawdy Brit voice) Eh eh, know what I mean, nudge nudge!
[Playing off the "Wink Wink Nudge Nudge" skit from Monty Python's Flying
Circus, where one man interprets everything as sexual innuendos, then
replies to the speaker with leering winks and grins]
(Scavenger smashes the ceiling with his shovel, causing debris to fall
down.)
BONECRUSHER : Remove the debris, Long Haul.
LONG HUAL : Remove, remove, always remove!
ROB : Remove the debris, remove your pants, always remove.
MEGATRON : Mixmaster, finish the job.
MIXMASTER : Right, right, right, Mega, Mega, Megatron!
SIPHER : Oy oy oy vey vey vey.
DOUG : Who forget his Ritalin?
[Ritalin is a medication prescribed for hyperactive children]
(Mixmaster shoots chemicals at the ceiling, which starts to cave in.)
SCAVENGER : Whoaoaoa, time for Scavenger to scram!
(Scavenger transforms to robot mode and gets out of the way)
MEGATRON : Scrapper, lower away. Soon, all of New York City will be
mine. (laughs)
ALL : You can HAVE it.
(Topside...)
PEDESTRIAN : The Empire State Building is sinking!
DOUG : (NY voice) 'Ey, I'm sinkin' 'ere!
(Symbol transition)
(Meanwhile, at Autobot HQ...)
NEWSWOMAN : (On the monitor) Meanwhile, officials are baffled as to
the cause of the disappearance of the world famous Empire
State Building.
ROB : Damn David Copperfield's at it again.
[David Copperfield is, of course, the popular stage magician whose famous
acts include making the Statue of Liberty disappear and marrying supermodel
Christine Brinkley. Robert personally thinks he's vastly overrated, and
opts for Penn and Teller instead.]
OPTIMUS PRIME : Megatron's work. If we don't get to New York City
fast, there won't be a city left to get to. Autobots,
transform!
(Bumblebee transforms & drives off.)
SPIKE : Hey Bumblebee, wait for me!!
SIPHER : I got tickets to THE DAILY SHOW with Jon Stewart!
["The Daily Show" is taped in New York City]
(Autobots drive out of HQ.)
OPTIMUS : Sparkplug, tell Wheeljack and the others to meet us in
Central Park.
(Sparkplug stands in front of Teletran 1.)
ROB : (50's secretary voice) Sure ting, Mistah P.
(Symbol transition)
(Hound, Mirage, Sideswipe, Bumblebee, and Wheeljack are waterskiing
over water in vehicle form)
WHEELJACK : There she is guys, Miss Liberty!
DOUG : So they waterski'd from Oregon to New York...
SIPHER : Yeah, apparently they had to make a stop in Japan.
(Laserbeak flies overhead)
BLUESTREAK : It's that nosy no-good-ni-con Laserbeak!
ROB : No-good-ni-con? Who're you, Boris and Natasha?
DOUG : (As Boris) Must stop truck and bug!
[From Jay Ward's classic cartoon series, "The Adventures of Rocky and
Bullwinkle". Boris and Natashia were the Pottsylvanian spies whose evil
plans often put them at odds with "moose and squirrel", aka Bullwinkle and
Rocky.]
MIRAGE : Too late to change 'em now. We'll just have to hope we're
too fast for 'im!
(Symbol transition)
SIPHER : Da-dah-DA-
DOUG : Not again.
(Optimus, Ironhide, Ratchet, Bumblebee, and Red Alert)
OPTIMUS : Increase speed. Our Central Park rendezvous coming up.
ROB : The Autobots are getting hookers?
[Ask a New Yorker about Central Park sometime...]
(Symbol transition)
(Laserbeak, perched on Megatron's shoulder, squawks a few times)
SIPHER : What's that, Lazzie? Rumble fell down a well?
[Playing off the old Lassie TV show and movies]
MEGATRON : So, Prime and the rest are heading for Central Park, are
they?
DOUG : (Megatron voice) They'll be covered in graffiti by that time!
[Again, ask a New Yorker about Central Park sometime...]
MEGATRON : Scavenger, Long Haul - your special talents are required
for a welcome the Autobots will find terminal!
SIPHER : "Special talents"... insecurity and bitching?
(Symbol transition)
(The Autobots drive up to intersection & stop.)
DOUG : Yeah, only tourists stop at intersections.
(Rumble, Frenzy and Soundwave appear)
RUMBLE : Don't you tourists know hanging out in Central Park...
FRENZY : ... can be hazardous...
SOUNDWAVE : ...to your health.
SIPHER : I guess the Deceps are gonna try to bum quarters off Optimus...
[Had enough Central Park jokes already?]
(Soundwave shoots, Spike runs away just in time for Bumblebee to get
shot in rear right tire.)
OPTIMUS : (already transforming) Autobots, transform!
ROB : No, I thought I'd stay in vehicle mode and get shot at.
IRONHIDE : Let's stomp these varmints right now!
DOUG : Who are you, Cybertron Sam?
SIPHER : (Yosemite Sam voice) Aahhh HATES that petro-rabbit.
[Yosemite Sam, the rootin'est tootin'est meanest hombre east of the Pecos,
perpetual foil of Bugs Bunny]
(Rumble & Frenzy both bend over and start pounding the ground
with their piledriver arms, Ironhide tips over sideways)
(Symbol transition)
MEGATRON : We're under Central Park now, Scavenger. What's your
reading?
ROB : "Runaway Bunny".
SCAVENGER : This way! There! Optimus Prime is directly overhead!
MEGATRON : Then DIG, you fool, DIG!
(Scavenger bashes the ceiling with his shovel...)
DOUG : Maybe you should get out of the way of the falling debris?
(Optimus falls through the newly-formed hole, conveniently landing in
Long Hauls' dumper portion.)
SIPHER : (Harry Carrey voice) Lucky grab, souvenir for some fan...
[A tip o' the cap to the late baseball announcer Harry Carrey]
(Megs leans over, touches something on OP's grill area with a tool,
causing sparks to fly.)
DOUG : Tee hee! That tickles!
MEGATRON : NOW. I've severed your motor relays, Prime. Welcome to the
wonderful world of suspended animation! (laughs)
ROB : Suspended animation... Clutch Cargo?
["Clutch Cargo" was a television show in the early 1960s about the
adventures of Clutch and his friends. It is most famous for its use of the
"Synchro-Vox" system, where a pair of moving lips was superimposed over a
still image of Clutch, Swampy, or whoever was talking. Those lips were the
most "animated" (ha ha) feature of the show. Late-night talk-show host
Conan O'Brien used the same trick to "talk" to celebrities like Bill Cinton
and the Queen of England.]
(Megs flies up through the hole that Optimus fell through.)
MEGATRON : (to the Autobots) And if you Autobots ever want to see your
beloved leader again, you'll leave immediately!
SIPHER : Yeah, I'm sure you'll give him RIGHT back.
(Symbol transition)
SOUNDWAVE : (indecipherable) is ready, Megatron.
SIPHER : Oh good, the *blarglewhargh* is ready.
MEGATRON : I want you ALL to see my new headquarters! The reborn
Decepticon city of NEW CYBERTRON!
ROB : Yeah, but it'll STILL smell like urine.
MEGATRON : And if you interfere one millicron, I'll melt Optimus Prime
down for paperclips!
DOUG : Office Depot or Optimus Depot? You make the call!
[Office Depot is a chain of office supply stores]
(Commercial break)
(The second group of Autobots stand around outside the city)
IRONHIDE : Look, the city's been evacuated by humans and Autobots.
SIPHER : Leave the Bronx. You are ordered to leave the Bronx.
[The oft-repeated line from one of the funniest MST3K episodes ever,
"Escape 2000", in which the Bronx is forcibly evacuated]
WHEELJACK : If only we'd been able to join the others in time.
SPIKE : Don't worry, Wheeljack. We'll get the Decepticons out of New
York somehow.
DOUG : Just open another Andrew Lloyd Weber musical and they'll run
screaming.
[Andrew Lloyd Weber is the producer of popular musical shows like "Cats"
and "The Phantom of the Opera"]
HOUND : (Over radio) Not while Megatron's got Optimus Prime. If we
attack, Prime's had it.
SPIKE : Maybe not. Bumblebee, take a left. I've got an idea.
ROB : It involves Lederhosen!
[Lederhosen are traditional Bavarian leather pants, held up by suspenders
and popular with folks in Alpine mountainous areas. What Spike's plans
have to do with lederhosen is anyone's guess...]
(Symbol transition)
MEGATRON : Your pitiful attempt to stop my conquest of New York City
has FAILED, Prime! And soon the rest of North America will
fall to me as well!
DOUG : Because we all know that's the only important section of the Earth.
MEGATRON : Hook! Disassemble him at once!
HOOK : (Rather oily) With FINESSE! And PLEASURRRE...
SIPHER : (Ricardo Montalban) And Reech Corintheean Leatherrr.
[Ricardo Montalban was, for a while, spokesman for the Cadillac line of
automobiles, where his distinctive voice rolled elegantly whenever he
talked about the cars' "Corinthean leather" seats. Never mind that there's
no such thing as Corinthean leather, he still sounded good pitching it.]
(Optimus's parts are dumped out by Long Haul)
MEGATRON : Excellent work, Hook. You're an artist... don't you agree,
Optimus?
(Megatron holds up Optimus' head)
SIPHER : Alas, poor Cullen. I knew him Wel... ker.
[A parody of Hamlet's soliloquy to Yoric's skull, from Shakespeare's
"Hamlet". "Cullen" is Peter Cullen, who did the voice for Optimus Prime.
"Welker" is Frank Welker, who did Megatron's voice.]
OPTIMUS : As long as power flows through any of my circuits, Megatron,
I'll fight you.
ROB : Longer than there've been stars across the sky...
[A song reference that nobody here remember the name of]
(Optimus's arms move & grab Megs' ankles, knocking him on his
backside.)
MEGATRON : Constructicons, dispose of his parts any way you choose,
but the head is MINE!!
DOUG : I'm gonna make it into a cookie jar!!
[A reference to the infamous cookie jar shaped like Optimus Prime's head]
(Symbol transition)
(Spike emerges from water, on Bumblebee's shoulders)
SPIKE : Oh, okay, I see it. Let's go.
(The Autobots head towards a small sewer entrance)
ALL : EYYYUUUUW.
(In the first shot, the entrance looks barely big enough for Spike to
stand upright... but in the next shot Mirage & others are walking into
it & there's tons of room to spare.)
ROB : Good thing these tunnels magically expanded for us!
RATCHET : So far, so good.
SIPHER : If you don't count the fact we're walking through doodie-water.
MIRAGE : Then he'd better not find us. I'll scout on ahead. Follow
me! (Turns invisible)
ROB : At least he won't be able to SMELL you coming. Whew.
HOUND : Lucky my sensors can track ol' Mr. Invisible, or he'd be a
tough act to follow.
(Symbol transition)
(The Constructicons underneath the city)
SCRAPPER : I think we've used Optimus Prime's remnants most
creatively! And I've just figured out where this part can
do the most ah, um, ah...
HOOK : Damage?
DOUG : No, fondue.
SCRAPPER : It's time we joined the others up top. Constructicons,
transform!
(They transform, Scrapper tosses Prime's arm into Long Haul's dumper)
SIPHER : Why not just use it as a back-scratcher?
SCRAPPER : There is much work to be done!
(Symbol transition)
(Back in the sewers)
RATCHET : I feel like I'm in some messy swamp, not under the biggest
city in North America!
ROB : New York, swamp, what's the difference?
DOUG : Taxes.
SIPHER : Porn shops.
HOUND : Wait! My sensors indicate Optimus isn't in front of us
anymore... he's behind us!
(Mirage reappears.)
MIRAGE : It looks good ahead, but it looks miserable back there!
DOUG : I HOPE to god that was a candy bar!
[If you have to ask...]
(Mirage points; Spike turns around, Hound's mouth drops open.)
(A robo-reptile made of Optimus Prime's parts appears, with horribly
bad dubbed growls and roars.)
(Mirage fires.)
MIRAGE : Get out of there! I'll cover you!
(They turn and WALK away, not run.)
DOUG : Amble away! Amble away!
[Though it sounds like a Gary Larson "Far Side" reference, it's really
meant to be a riff on the "Run away!" scene from the movie "Monty Python
and the Holy Grail"]
HOUND : This way! It's the only chance we have against that robot
reptile! I can feel it in my micro-computers.
(The alligator shrugs off all of the shots.)
HOUND : But I can't figure out why my sensors keep saying Prime's
BEHIND us instead of in front!
SIPHER : You'd think he'd notice the blatant AUTOBOT symbol on the thing's
shoulder.
(The 'Bots make there way into a subway tunnel.)
ROB : Oh, the sewers link directly to the subway! THAT explains the odor!
HOUND : We can't! The noise will alert the Decepticons, but I've got a
plan!
(He says this as he rips apart the train not all that quietly.)
(The alligator appears, Ratchet finishes twisting wires or something.)
SIPHER : Did it et Mirage?
(The Autobots scatter, save for Spike and Bumblebee, who enter the
car.)
DOUG : They're bait? Goodie!
SPIKE : Come on, Bumblebee, let's move it!
(The reptile follows them into the car.)
SPIKE : Yiiiiiiiii!
(They jump out, and the alligator is stuck.)
BUMBLEBEE : Ratchet -- now!
(Ratchet touches two wires together. The train moves, with only the
gator's tail hanging out the new entrance. Hound hits the switch and
the train enters a tunnel.)
HOUND : Train now leaving for Madison Avenue, Park Avenue...
ROB : Uh ... er... LINE!
[That's a REAL long pause on the show there]
HOUND : ...Lexington Avenue -- and the river!
SIPHER : Yeah, you take your chances with the subway.
(Symbol transition)
(Topside. Megatron surveys New Cybertron.)
MEGATRON : Faster, you Constructicons! Faster!
DOUG : Kill! Kill!
[A riff on the sexploitation movie title, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"]
MEGATRON : I yearn to see my city completed!
SIPHER : Hey, Iacon wasn't built in a day!
[Neither was Rome, as the old saying goes]
(Bonecrusher and Hook are demolishing a building, switch to Scrapper,
who is destroying a street.)
SCRAPPER : Look Megatron! If the Autobots ever drive down this street,
they'll be riding down their own grave! Hah-hah-hah!
DOUG : Like the streets could get WORSE.
(Skywarp loads a car into Mixmaster.)
SKYWARP : See what you can do with this, Mixmaster!
DOUG : Ten bucks says the guy's insurance doesn't cover this.
MIXMASTER : Only my best, Skywarp. Only my best, best!
(Starscream is fixing a weapon higher up, as Reflector brings more
materials on a beam pulled up by a rope.)
STARSCREAM : It sickens me to say, Reflector,
SIPHER : (Reflector voice) Hey, what's wrong with my name?!
STARSCREAM : The place is starting to feel like home!
ROB : Just needs a little more garbage!
(symbol transition)
(Underneath the city, in interior rooms, we find Prime's head.)
DOUG : Always leave the key to your plan totally unguarded.
HOUND : My sensors detect Prime is now within ten mechanometers.
SIPHER : Yeah we'll be there in six floodleclinks.
(The 'bots blast the door to the chamber and enter, seeing Prime's
head)
(Ratchet grabs Prime's head and holds it.)
ROB : Suddenly I feel like bowling!
(Ratchet reconnects some wires, which somehow makes Prime come back to
life. All the time, Prime's eyes are beeping and flashing.)
OPTIMUS : Thanks, Ratchet. Hook disassembled me, but he wasn't very
neat. I can sense the presence of my legs.
SIPHER : (Panicked) I can feel my legs, dude!!
[Parody of the stereotypical war movie cry, "I can't feel my legs!"]
SPIKE : Do you think you can activate them from here?
OPTIMUS : I.. I'll try.
(Radio waves taking the form of ovals streaming from Prime's head and
a wavery noise emanates form his skull)
ROB : He's calling all his aquatic buddies to help him!
[From the old Hanna-Barbera "Superfriends" cartoon show, where the hero
Aquaman could summon the denizens of the ocean to help him. His telepathic
calls were shown by ovals streaming from his forehead.]
(We follow the waves to his legs, which seem to be doing nothing
but standing there.)
DOUG : So that "creative use" was as a coffee table prop?
(They fly into the room with the Bots.)
HOUND : There they are! Wait a minute! That's why my sensors picked up
Prime behind me. It was because a part of him was!
SPIKE & BUMBLEBEE : The all-i-gat-a-con!
DOUG : Dummies in stereo.
(symbol transition)
(Those wonderful roars are heard again. They are in more abandoned
subway tunnels. Bumblebee is holding Prime's head.)
SIPHER : It's the Thing That Couldn't Die!
[Another reference to a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie, this one
featuring a decapitated head that controlled people and made them evil]
(Hound is "restraining" the reptile, and Ratchet makes a half-hearted
move to grab on. Mirage is just standing there.)
DOUG : (Aussie accent) Crikey, 'e's REALLY pissed now!
[Parodying Stever Irwin, the "Crocodile Hunter" with the popular animal-
hunting show on the Animal Planet cable TV channel. The quote itself comes
from the "South Park" TV show, which used it in their parody of Irwin.]
MIRAGE : Got him!
HOUND : But be sure you don't let go! Aaah!
MIRAGE : Sorry! He's slippery!
SIPHER : Just think about why that is!
ALL : (disgusted noises)
PRIME : Maybe I can help! (more oval-radio crap) That is, if I'm
really a part of that jigsaw of a reptilicon.
MIRAGE : Prime! You did it!
(An OBVIOUS bad edit cut occurs, with one poor effect of something
coming apart.)
ROB : What the hell just happened?
(Ratchet and Mirage carry pieces out of the water and up some stairs)
HOUND : We've got him now!
MIRAGE : Or should we say, we've got you?
DOUG : Babe.
[From the Sonny and Cher song, "I Got You, Babe"]
RATCHET & MIRAGE : This alligator is big and heavy!
PRIME : From the looks of it, I'd say a little of both.
SIPHER & ROB : This plot is dull and stupid!
DOUG : From the looks of it, I'd say a LOT of both.
(symbol transition)
(Ratchet is welding Prime back together.)
RATCHET : Well, Optimus, how do you feel?
(Parts of the reptile are on the ground; Prime gets up and flexes his
left arm.)
OPTIMUS : As good as new, almost. Thanks for helping me... pull myself
together.
SIPHER : I was hoping he wouldn't say that.
OPTIMUS : Now, if my sensors are accurate, my right arm is somewhere
above ground.
DOUG : That's my favorite appendage!
OPTIMUS : Megatron's in for a very large shock!
(Symbol transition)
(The other Autobots are walking above the surface.)
WHEELJACK : This sure isn't little old New York anymore. Megatron's
turned it into one big fortress!
ROB : I think Juliani opened the door for that.
[A comment on New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who started a high-
profile effort to improve the city's image by cracking down on porno shops]
BLUESTRAK : Wheeljack, look! I think we've just found Prime's missing
arm!
(Cut to Prime's arm, wielding his weapon, as a cannon on top of a
tower.)
SIPHER : It blends in so naturally!
(Symbol transition)
(The control tower interior)
MEGATRON : So they've managed to put Prime back together, have they?
DOUG : (Megatron voice) HOW could my poorly-concocted scheme have failed?
(Soundwave centers a viewscreen on Prime and the others.)
MEGATRON : Fire!
(Prime's gun fires, missing all the Autobots, who scatter with badly
acted exclamations)
ALL : (Just as bad surprised exclamations)
(Soundwave keeps hitting a single button, which somehow aims in
different directions and fires at the same time, even though the
viewscreen doesn't shift views.)
MEGATRON : And continue firing until Optimus Prime and the Autobots
are totally destroyed!
SIPHER : (Soundwave voice) Sure, I didn't have anything better to do for
the next six years.
(Prime's gun fires left and right, and the Autobots scatter)
(Ratchet has a close up with a scared look on his face, right before
he turns and runs.)
DOUG : Oh, like you've never seen a disembodied arm raining hellfire
before, ya big baby.
(commercial break)
(The gun is continuing to fire on the Autobots)
OPTIMUS : Quickly! Everyone scatter and transform!
(The Autobots scatter... into clumps, as seen on Megatron's viewer)
ROB : He said SCATTER, not form discussion groups!
MEGATRON : There's no place to run, Prime! Nothing can save you now!
(Bluestreak and Hound transform)
BLUESTREAK : Put the pedal to the metal, Hound!
(They drive down the road... into a wide pit and crash to the subway
below)
DOUG : Gee, you think Hound's sensors would've noticed that pit.
SIPHER : Ray Charles would've noticed that pit.
ROB : At night.
[Ray Charles, by the way, is blind. So Hound's sensors must have been
REALLY out of whack to miss the pit]
(They switch back to robot mode)
SCRAPPER?: You're just in time to take the 'A' Train!
(Long shot of Rumble in the subway train. When we switch to the close-
up view, Rumble has become Frenzy)
DOUG : Renzy!
ROB : Fumble!
FRENZY : Before it takes you!
(Bluestreak and Hound fire their weapons, and the same few seconds of
animation repeat themselves)
SIPHER : Ah! We're un-stuck in time!
(Finally, the subway explodes in a rather poorly animated explosion)
(Bluestreak wipes his forehead. No, seriously, he does)
BLUESTREAK : Whew. That train blew just in time. One more volt, and I
would've been too pooped to zap!
ROB : Since when do Transformers poop?
DOUG : Ask Walky.
[A reference to Transformers fan David "Walky" Willis, who has an unusual
obsession with the word "poop"]
(Symbol transition)
(Bumblebee and Spike are driving down the road, Sunstreaker on BB's
right, Sideswipe on BB's left)
BUMBLEBEE: Looks okay so far!
(Inside Bumblebee, we see Taxis following)
SPIKE: Not anymore! More Constructicon handiwork coming up!
(The Taxi signs open up to reveal guns.)
DOUG : Wow, when they say "Off Duty" they really MEAN it!!!
(Switch to view of Megatron in the command center)
MEGATRON : Right you are, human! Soundwave, send our Battle-Taxis into
action. Destroy the intruders!
SIPHER : (Soundwave) YES dear I'm DOING it dear.
[Soundwave channels Basil Fawlty, the henpecked husband from John Cleese's
short-lived British TV comedy "Fawlty Towers"]
(The Taxis fire on the Autobots)
SPIKE: Let's get out of here!
SUNSTREAKER : Look out! More Decepticabs ahead!
SIDESWIPE : No problem, bro'! Just follow my lead!
(Without a ramp, the Autobots jump over the cabs. And somehow
Sunstreaker and Sideswipe have switched flanking positions)
ROB : Sideswipe just swapped sides!
DOUG : Stop that.
(Cut to Optimus surveying the battle)
OPTIMUS : I may not have a weapon... but I can still transform and
ROLL!
SIPHER : And head for the frickin' hills!
(He transforms with one arm missing, and heads out to face the taxis.
Meanwhile, the other three are heading straight for the
Constructicons' ambush)
MIXMASTER : Here they come! Auto-auto-autobots!
DOUG : (Shrieking) I'M COMMMMEEEEENG!!!
[Yet another Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie reference, this time from
"Quest of the Delta Knights", which for some reason had a shrieking
woodsman spew that line]
(They fire on the Autobots, of course not hitting them, but they do
make them swerve)
SUNSTREAKER : Things are looking bad!
ROB : How? They're MISSING you!
SIDESWIPE : But they're starting to sound good! Hear that?
(Prime turns the corner and the Autobots swerve around him)
SUNSTREAKER : Run 'em down, Prime! Ya-hooo!
SIPHER : Oh, darn, you missed Bumblebee.
(Prime plays chicken with the taxis, and he somehow runs all five of
them down in one straight hit)
SIPHER : Oooh, he left the 7-10 split. That's gonna be hard to pick up...
[In bowling, a "7-10 split" is where the farthest left and right pins are
left standing. Trying to hit both of them with one ball is very difficult.]
(Prime then runs through the Constructicon's weapon bank, sending
them flying)
(Sideswipe and Sunstreaker transform)
SIDESWIPE: Even with one arm, Prime is primo!
ROB : And your lines are lame-o!
(Symbol transition)
(Ironhide is standing outside of the central tower, with a dumb look
on his face)
DOUG : Daaaar...
(Prime rolls up and transforms)
OPTIMUS : That's the way to cool it, Ironhide!
SIPHER : Cool *what*? What's going on?!
(During the next few sentences, Prime's cannon is firing)
OPTIMUS : Now it's time to lend myself a hand and an arm as well!
DOUG : You know, this was what inspired Sam Raimi's similar scene in "Evil
Dead 2".
[In the movie in question, Ash (Bruce Campbell) has his hand posessed by
evil, so he has to cut it off. That doesn't stop it from being a giant
pain, though.]
(Switch to Bumblebee and Spike)
SPIKE : Where are Prime and the other guys?
BUMBLEBEE : There! Look!
ROB : I guess Spike's as blind as Hound.
(Ironhide's hand retracts and out comes a grappling hook, which he
fires with an awkward over the shoulder toss)
SIPHER : He grapples like a girl.
[The expression "he throws like a girl!" is a derisive comment said about
guys who don't "properly" throw a ball. The "proper" way, for what it's
worth, is to keep your elbow straight and use centrifugal force to help
it go farther and faster.]
(It hooks on the tower overhead, and he, Prime, and Ratchet start
scaling the tower)
DOUG : The Auto Sanction.
[A riff on the movie title "The Eiger Sanction", which is set on a
mountain]
BUMBLEBEE : They're going after Optimus' arm!
SPIKE : They might need help! Come on!
(They run to enter the tower)
DOUG : Wait, if they can get in from the bottom... why are the others
climbing?
(Inside the tower)
SOUNDWAVE : Autobots are out of cannon range!
MEGATRON : But not out of my range!
(He hits a button on his lower chest with a "clank")
SIPHER : Oh, that couldn't have been good, what'd you DO?
MEGATRON: Come in Starscream, Thundercracker, Skywarp. I want an
air strike. Proceed immediately!
(The three jets transform and fly off towards the tower. Prime and the
others look up)
OPTIMUS : Uh-oh! Air attack!!
RATCHET : They can't miss!
ROB : You forget who these clowns are.
(The Autobots fire back, causing the jets to crash through the tower
all the way to the other side, trailing black smoke)
THUNDERCRACKER : Starscream, we're damaged!
SIPHER : No, I just had chili for lunch.
(They turn back towards headquarters)
SKYWARP : We gotta land!
STARSCREAM : Cowardly weaklings! I'll crush them like tinfoil!
DOUG : Who? The 'Bots or the cowardly weaklings?
(Starscream breaks off from the others)
SIDESWIPE : Wanna bet?
(He takes off and lands on Starscream, starting him in a tail spin)
SIDESWIPE : Say uncle, or I'll shove your nose in your afterburner!
ROB : (Scolding) BAD Starscream! You got afterburner on the rug!
[A common practice for housetraining dogs is to wait until they have an
"accident" in the house, then scold them and stick their nose in the mess]
(Sideswipe forces Starscream to land in the ocean, and then he flies
off)
SIDESWIPE : Gee, I didn't know Decepticons had uncles!
DOUG : Then does that mean Arcee ISN'T Rattrap's great-aunt?
[A reference to the Beast Wars episode "Transmutate", where the Maximal
Rattrap exclaims, "What in the name of my great aunt Arcee is goin' on
here!?"]
(Inside the command center)
SOUNDWAVE : The Autobots are getting closer, Megatron!
MEGATRON : Scrapper! Unleash the Ultimate Weapon!
ROB : Oh, God, we're not watching that one TOO?!
[A reference to the bad Transformers cartoon episode, "The Ultimate
Weapon"]
SCRAPPER : Constructicons, transform! Phase One!
(He transformers, two other follow, then the remaining do)
SCRAPPER : Now unite!
(They merge, piece by piece as Wheeljack turns the corner and sees
this happen)
SIPHER : So the ultimate weapon... we've seen before.
(Devastator is formed and tries to step on Wheeljack, who runs.]
DEVASTATOR : Devastator says: Surrender or perish!
ROB : I'll take Surrender for fifty, Alex!
[Playing the popular TV game show "Jepoardy!"]
(Devastator knocks down a building)
DEVSTATOR : Devastator wants vengeance!
(Devastator starts climbing the control tower)
DEVASTATOR: Devastator wants...
DOUG : To ROCK!
DEVASTATOR : Optimus Prime!
(The elevator door opens behind Megatron, and Bumblebee and Spike
sneak out)
DOUG : Third floor! Lingerie!
SIPHER : Decepti-bras.
[In the old days, when department stores had elevator operators, they
would announce the stuff being sold when the elevator reached a floor]
SPIKE : Now, Bumblebee!
(Megatron and Soundwave turn)
SOUNDWAVE : Intruders! Intruders!
MEGATRON: They are doomed!
(Megatron fires on them but they duck the blast. They start running
away -- by going around in a circle)
SIPHER : (singing) I don't need to walk around in circles...
[From Soul Coughing's song "Circles"]
SPIKE : You'll never catch us, Mega-klutz!
(In Hanna-Barbara animation fashion, the background behind Megatron's
arm scrolls and his arm bobs up and down while firing)
MEGATRON : Mega-klutz? You dare to insult me inside my own command
post?
(Bumblebee and Spike have made their way towards Soundwave's computer.
They duck a blast from Megatron's cannon which destroys the terminal.
Soundwave is sent flying)
SOUNDWAVE : The console is now inoperative.
ROB : (Soundwave voice) Good one, butt-head!
(Spike and Bumblebee head outside)
MEGATRON : No matter! Send Buzzsaw and Laserbeak to take care of the
Earth pests.
DOUG : Cameo appearance by Buzzsaw.
[A quick editorial comment on Buzzsaw's infrequent appearances in the
cartoon]
(Soundwave ejects Laserbeak and Buzzsaw who transform into condor
mode. They follow the two)
(Megatron's neck bends noticeable during the following dialogue)
MEGATRON : Devastator will destroy Prime, and I shall be master... of
all!
ROB : Whoa. Looks like Manny Galan worked on this episode!
[Manny Galan is the infamous artist for many of the "Transformers:
Generation 2" comic books. In addition to overall crummy artwork, he had
a tendency to draw Transformers with extra-long necks...]
(Outside. Devastator growls and grabs Prime in his right hand. Ratchet
and Ironhide take aim, but Devastator knocks them through the tower,
using Prime as the baseball bat.
SIPHER : Louisville Prime!
["Louieville Slugger" is a popular brand of baseball bats]
DEVASTATOR : Devastator says: Your end is near.
DOUG : Wheelie say find friends today!
[Lifted directly from "Transformers: The Movie"]
(Wheeljack and Hound near several helicopters, which have been rigged
to run via remote control. Wheeljack is pressing buttons on the
controls)
WHEELJACK : I saw this once when I linked my databank to an Earth
television transmission. I think it was called-
DOUG : "Plan Nine from Outer Space"!
ROB : "My Friend Flicka"!
SIPHER : "Debbie Does --"
DOUG : Whoa!
[This IS a family-friendly show, guys...]
(The helicopters take off towards Devastator. They fire their missiles
with no effect, and Devastator knocks them down without any problems.)
DOUG : Well, he's obviously never seen any Japanese monster movies, or
he'd know that NEVER works.
[As demonstrated by Godzilla, Gamera, and many others]
(Switch to Ironhide and Ratchet, who have recovered)
MEGATRON : (VO) Now, Devastator -- destroy them! Destrooooooy!
SIPHER : _*STAAAAAAAAY!!!*_
[Yet another direct Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie line, this one from
"The Undead", which had nothing to do with the undead]
(Ratchet and Ironhide have looked up towards the voice, and they
smile. They take aim and fire once, causing the floor to cave in.
Soundwave and Megatron fall through, then continue through the floor
below down to the ground level)
ROB : I saw this in a Roger Rabbit cartoon!
["Tummy Trouble," specifically, which was shown before the Disney movie
"Honey I Shrunk The Kids"]
RATCHET : Nice shooting, sport!
(They shake hands with left arms which looks really stupid. Really)
(Devastator is still climbing the tower)
(Cut to the roof; Bumblebee and Spike exit a door)
SPIKE : Prime! We wrecked Soundwave's control of your arm!
SIPHER : I think Megatron really deserves the credit for that.
(Laserbeak and Buzzsaw turn and attack them again, firing)
OPTIMUS : That's the news I've been waiting for!
(More of the orange ovals leave Prime's forehead. They hit his arm,
which explodes to life with a yellow flash. It swings wildly, knocking
Buzzsaw and Laserbeak for a loop)
ROB : He gave the birds the bird!
[To "give someone the bird" is to make a rude gesture at them]
(Devastator, in a bit of supreme stupidity, climbs such that he is now
squarely in FRONT of the arm)
DEVASTATOR : It will take more than your puny arm to stop Devastator!
DOUG : The arm holding the gun at face-level. Yeah.
OPTIMUS : Right. Which is why it's lucky that the hand on the end of
that arm... is holding a gun!
(Prime's head is surrounded by yellow electricity, and so is his gun
arm)
SIPHER: You smell something burning?
(Prime's arm fires and hits Devastator directly in the chest, knocking
him off the tower)
(They fall)
ROB : I've always loved yooooouuuu...
(They fall some more)
BUMBLEBEE : Prime!
(Ratchet is holding Ironhide's legs out a window, and he lowers him
when Prime passes)
IRONHIDE : I've got him! Pull me up!
(Devastator continues falling and hits the ground)
SIPHER : Splat.
PRIME : Nice catch, Ironhide!
DOUG : Armm... dislocating!
(Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and Hound run to the hole caused by
Devastator's impact)
ROB : Well, that's not the worst pothole I've seen...
SIPHER : Think we've made enough New York jokes?
DOUG : Just a few more, please.
(Megatron and Soundwave emerge from wreckage)
MEGATRON : The Autobots may have my destroyed our city of New
Cybertron, but I have not been defeated.
(They stand resolutely then fly off)
MEGATRON : I shall return, do you hear me? I shall return!
ROB : In THUNDERBALL!!
[A lift from the endings to varous James Bond movies. "James Bond will
return in ... THUNDERBALL!"]
(Symbol transition)
(Prime is testing out his right arm)
RATCHET : Well, Optimus?
ALL : IT STINKS!
[From the short-lived cartoon show, "The Critic", which was originally on
ABC and Fox television, and is now on the internet]
OPTIMUS: Just as it always was, like the rest of New York City.
(Pan across the skyline, looking normal)
ROB : Gee, it's good that the Decepticons were so confident of their plan
that they didn't bother to DESTROY the buildings they replaced.
OPTIMUS : Autobots: transform and roll out!
(The Autobots transform, and Spike enters Bumblebee. They drive
towards the camera. We see the bumper sticker on Bumblebee get closer,
and we're left with "I (Heart) NY")
ROB : I Spade Chicago
DOUG : I Club LA
SIPHER : I refuse to participate in this.
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights on, stop tape)
***************************************************************************
SKIT 4 : MUNCH ON THIS, REGIS
***************************************************************************
SIPHER : All right, let's play, "Who Wants to Be Part of a Lame Parody of
an Even Lamer Game Show"!
DOUG : Do-de-do-do-de-do-dooo!
SIPHER : What the hell was that?
DOUG : The suspenseful music.
SIPHER : Stop that. Okay, our contestant today is Robert Jung, because I
wanted to play the host for this year's game show skit. Rob, for
100 Energon credits, which of the following is a Decepticon name?
Is it A: Galvatron; B: Frenchie Poodle-Buns; C: Huggbees; D:
Richard Nixon.
ROB : (Mildly insulted at the ease of the question.) A.
SIPHER : Is that your final answer?
ROB : Final answer.
SIPHER : You sure? You can change your mind.
ROB : YES.
SIPHER : Don't say I didn't warn you, because I'll be damned, you got it
right.
DOUG : (Makes some cheerful happy "I got the question right music.")
SIPHER : I said, stop that.
DOUG : Aw. (pouts)
SIPHER : Okay, for 200 Energon credits, How many regular issues were there
of the original American Transformers comic book? A: 2; B: 80; C:
396; D: Planck's Constant.
ROB: Okay, I know that the US comic was produced by Marvel, and Stan Lee
was a major Marvel player, as well as having a bit part in the Kevin
Smith movie "Mallrats", which wasn't as funny as "Dogma", starring the
ever-cool Chris Rock, who voiced the puppet Little Pinney in those
Nike commercials, a popular brand of sneaker, and Sidney Poitier
starred in the movie "Sneakers", and he was also parodied in an
episode of "South Park", which airs on Comedy Central, which still has
the airing rights to "The Tick", which had Susan Blu as the voice
director, who also provided the voice of Arcee in the Transformers
cartoon, even though the character never appeared in the American
comic, which ran for 80 issues, so I'm going with B: 80.
(During this little bit, Doug and Sipher are fighting sleep. Sipher is
unconscious by the time Rob finishes.)
ROB : Um, Regis?
(Doug nudges Sipher)
SIPHER : (Jerking awake) GYAH!!!!
ROB : My final answer is B: 80.
SIPHER : Wha?
ROB : B.
SIPHER : You sure?
ROB : No.
SIPHER : Really?
ROB : Actually, yes.
SIPHER: Beauty. You're right. Okay, shall we move on?
(Sipher makes frantic "no" motions)
ROB : Let's keep going.
SIPHER : (Sigh) Okay. Your 300 Energon credit quest-... Doug?
DOUG : (is shining flashlights in Rob's and Sipher's face)
SIPHER : No. Extreme. Lighting.
DOUG : Dang.
SIPHER : Okay, your 300 energon credit question is... which of these people
is NOT a guest at this year's BotCon? A: Alec "Kiss Me You Fool"
Willows; B: John "KissMeYouFool" Moschitta; C: Richard Nixon; D:
Ian "Just Love Me" Corlett?
ROB : Oh, boy, this is a tough one.
DOUG : (starts to make soft heart beating noises, every once in a while
punctuating with a loud "Thump-THUMP!", which causes Sipher and Rob
to stare. He stops, mildly embarrassed)
ROB : ... Okay, I know it's not A, and I'm pretty sure it's not C.... I'd
like to use a lifeline.
SIPHER : Fine, which one?
ROB : The Fifty-Fifty please.
SIPHER : Okay, fine. Computer, please remove two wrong answers.
DOUG : Um, Siph? There is no computer.
SIPHER : Wha?
DOUG : Remember, 3H said that was far too much to ask for this little bit.
SIPHER : Oh, right. Okay, Rob, you're choices are either C: Richard Nixon
or D: Ian "At Least A Little Hug" Corlett.
ROB : Man, those were the two I wasn't sure about. Let me think.
DOUG : (Says something that sounds like "Thump-THUMP!" but in reality is
"Nix-ON!")
ROB : C: Richard Nixon.
SIPHER: Er, Doug?
DOUG : What?
SIPHER : Did you tell him the answer?
DOUG : Why, I'd never think of such a thing. I'm hurt by your accusations,
and I think I may just sit here and do nothing for the rest of this
show.
SIPHER : Thank god. Okay, final answer, Rob?
ROB: D. Final Answer.
SIPHER : D?
ROB : Did I say D?
SIPHER : Yeah.
ROB : Oh, I meant C. Silly me.
SIPHER: .... Sure, why not. Okay, 500 energon credit question -- ready?
ROB: Ready.
SIPHER : According to his Action Master Power Plans, Megatron is equipped
with... A: an angular surplex fluxuator; B: a gyroscopic index
manipulator; C: a trans-join mobilizer; or D: a neutronic speed
modulator?
ROB : That's a *500* credit question?!
SIPHER : Hey, blame Zobovor, he wrote that mofo.
["Zobovor" is David Edwards, a Transformers fan with a big love of trivia]
ROB : Oh, man.... I'm going to need another life line.
SIPHER : Which one?
ROB : I'd like to Ask a Friend.
SIPHER : You have a Friend?
(Rob glares)
DOUG : Me! Pick me! I want to play!
ROB : (Scans audience) Is Fumihiko available?
["Fumihiko" is Fumihiko Akiyama, a Transformers fan and dealer from Japan
who is most famous for his huge stock of Japanese toys which he sells at
every BotCon]
DOUG : No, he's busy! Pick me! Pick me!
ROB : Hmmm.... what about Karl Hartman?
[Karl Hartman is one of the founders of 3H Enterprises, the group which runs
BotCon, and the only person you need for a quick game of pick-up basketball]
DOUG : Are you nuts?! Pick me!
SIPHER : Will you shut the hell up if he picks you?
DOUG : Sure.
SIPHER : All right, Rob, you've picked Doug!
ROB : But I didn--
SIPHER : You. Picked. Doug.
ROB : Okay, fine. According to his Action Master Power Plans, Megatron is
equipped with... WHAT were they?!
SIPHER : A: An angular surplex fluxuator; B: a gyroscopic index
manipulator; C: a trans-join mobilizer; or D: a neutronic speed
modulator. Jeez.
DOUG : Oh, that's easy. The answer's A.
ROB : You sure?
DOUG : Hey, it ain't MY Energon to lose, is it?
(Sipher gives Doug a thumbs-up)
SIPHER : (To Rob) Well? Make it snappy, this is growing tiresome.
ROB : A's my final answer.
SIPHER : Whatever. Okay, we're up to the One Million credit question
because I'm REALLY sick of this now... Who was the most annoying
and unlikable character in Transformers history! A: Wheelie; B:
Daniel; C: Nightscream; or D: Donny "Robot Master" Finkelberg!
ROB : Oh, MAN! that's a toughie.... Errrr... geez. I think I'll need my
final lifeline. I'd like to Ask the Audience.
SIPHER : Okay, audience pick up your keypad and-
DOUG : No keypads.
SIPHER : Slag. We'll have to do this the old fashioned and less impressive
way. Audience, raise your hand if you think it's A: Wheelie.
(Hands are raised, Sipher counts, and it doesn't matter what he counts,
as it's just a half-assed estimation.)
SIPHER: B: Daniel!
(Again, the count.)
SIPHER: C: Wipestreak?
(Count.)
SIPHER : D: Robot Wanker?
(Count.)
SIPHER : Okay, it seems like people are pretty much divided. 25% per
answer.
ROB : How'd you get that?
SIPHER : You think I really counted?
ROB : Okay um....
DOUG : Psst! Pick B!
SIPHER : Quiet, you.
ROB : I'll pick... C.
SIPHER : Final answer?
ROB : No, I want A.
SIPHER : So B is your final answer?
ROB : D.
SIPHER : D?
ROB : C.
DOUG : F.
SIPHER : Quiet you. B: Robot Master?
ROB : No, C: Wheelie.
SIPHER : D.
ROB : A.
SIPHER : B?
ROB : Richard Nixon.
(Continue ad nauseum.)
SIPHER : So you're positively sure the answer is C: Nightscream?
ROB : Yes, I picked A.
SIPHER : Well, then, the answer is...
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
SIPHER : Oh bugger.
(House lights off, start tape)
[In case it wasn't obvious enough, the entire skit is a parody of the TV
game show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"]
***************************************************************************
EPISODE 4 : THE DWELLER IN THE DEPTHS
***************************************************************************
TITLE : The Dweller in the Depths by Paul Dini
ROB : We mock the work of the great Creator of Batman Animated...
SIPHER : Damn skippy we do.
[Paul Dini is the animation writing god who blessed us by leading the
creation of many excellent WB cartoons, most notably "Batman: The Animated
Series", "The Batman/Superman Adventures", "Batman Beyond", and "JLA"]
(Springer in helicoper mode tows a giant conical thing across
Cybertron's surface)
RODIMUS PRIME : Rodimus Prime to Springer. You're all clear, buddy.
SIPHER : No actually, I'm opaque.
["Opaque" means "cannot see through"]
SPRINGER : I copy, Rodimus. Proceeding as planned with power core
insertion.
(Springer slowly drops the core into place, then Perceptor jumps in
front of the camera)
ALL : Hey! Hey! Down in front!
PERCEPTOR : It's completed at last! This new power core will TRIPLE
Cybertron's energy reserves.
DOUG : From squat to triple squat.
ULTRA MAGNUS : ... but are you sure the city can safely handle the
excess power?
DOUG : (As Tim Allen) Arr arr arr.
[From the "Home Improvement" TV show, where Allen played the
testosterone-soaked host of a home improvement program. His solution for
any problem was to apply "more power," often accompanied by three rapid
grunts.]
PERCEPTOR : We've taken every precaution, Ultra Magnus. But just in
case there should be a power overload, activating this
lever will jettison the power core into space before an
explosion can occur.
(Close up picture of Arcee's face, her reflection in the glass, and a
tiny robot-mode Springer waving his left arm.)
ARCEE : There's Rodimus Prime's signal.
ROB : No, that's Springer...
PERCEPTOR : Alright. Stand by for the fireworks.
SIPHER : NOT what I wanted to hear. TAXIIIII!!!!!!
(The core goes "boom" as yellow light burns from its top. Springer
turns his face away and uses his left arm to shield his face from the
light.)
DOUG : You BLINDED me with SCIENCE!
[From the Thomas Doby song, "She Blinded Me With Science"]
ARCEE : Heh-Hay! We did it!
SPRINGER : (making a fist) That power core will keep Cybertron lit for
centuries!
SIPHER : Boo-yeah!
PERCEPTOR : And, generate enough Energon to make us Autobots
completely self-sufficient.
(Fade to the power core on a monitor, being watched by three
Quintessons.)
QUINT BAILIFF : A remarkable accomplishment. It makes me HATE our
rebellious CON-structs more than EVER.
SIPHER : NICE pro-NUN-ci-A-tion.
(The close-up view of Quintesson Scientist)
Q-BAILIFF : Once we Quintessons were the MAS-ters of Cybertron.
QUINT SCIENTIST : Until the Autobots' ancestors forced us into exile.
ROB : Shacked up with Salman Rushdie for a few years. What a nut.
[Salman Rushdie is the author of "The Satanic Verses," a novel which was
deemed blasphemous by the Ayatollyah of Iran. A bounty was offered for
his death, and as a result Rushdie went into hiding.]
Q-SCIENTIST : Through the ages, many groups of Quintessons have tried
to retake Cybertron, but NONE have succeeded.
TRI-FACED Q : Until NOW. To secure Cybertron for the future, we can
draw on help from our distant past.
DOUG : The seeds of the future... lie buried...
ROB : Oh shut up.
[Playing off Optimus Primal's mysterious mantra from the Beast Machines
TV show, "The seeds of the future lie buried in the past"]
(Long camera angle of all 3 Quints and the control panel.)
Q-SCIENTIST : What do you mean?
TRI-FACED Q : Surely you have not forgotten our first experiments in
cybernetic construction; the Trans-Organics.
ROB : Oh, yeah, I fergot! Duh!
Q-BAILIFF : Trans-Organics?! Those are only a LEGEND!
TRI-FACED Q : Not to the one who BUILT them.
(Flashback to a workshop w/ a green Quint w/ a gold head turned away
from the viewer who works on a hunk of brown metal.)
TRI-FACED Q : They were the first attempts at creating a race of
subservient Cybernetic warriors: half beast, half
machine.
ALL : BEAST WARS!!!
['Nuff said. B-]
(close-up of two metal tentacles putting two pieces together.)
TRI-FACD Q : But the process was too UNSTABLE and the Transorganics
were just unfit for even SIMPLE tasks.
SIPHER : That explains Optimus Primal in Beast Machines...
[For those who don't watch the shows, Optimus Primal in Beast Wars was a
level-headed leader. Optimus Primal in Beast Machines, on the other hand,
was a spaced-out mystic who was more concerned with vision quests than
with defeating Megatron and saving Cybertron.]
TRI-FACED Q: One Transorganic in particular, originally designed to be
a living energy siphon, turned on us and in the fight,
THAT'S when I lost one of my own FACES to the BEAST.
DOUG : It was pretty stupid of me in retrospect. Still, hindsight is 20-20,
20-20, 20-20.
[The Quintesson has three faces, so he'd need 20-20 20-20 20-20 vision,
get it?]
(Back in the present, the Quints' monitor shows 5 red and purple
cocoon-like pods in a chamber.)
TRI-FACED Q : Those Transorganics we couldn't destroy, we locked away
in a hibernation chamber deep within Cybertron.
ROB : Or sent to military school.
[What strict parents often do to really unruly kids]
Q SCIENTIST : Then the rumors we've heard of a massive creature that
dwells beneath Cybertron are TRUE.
SIPHER : (Jack Palance voice) Believe it, or NOT!
[From the "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!" TV show]
TRI-FACED Q : Yes. And if that dweller could be released again, I
predict it could destroy every robot ON that world.
DOUG : Why we didn't do that four million years ago is anyone's guess.
Q SCIENTIST : Then Cybertron would be ours for the taki