***************************************************************************
TRANSFORMERS: THE MSTING 5
The Foolish Frontier
BotCon 2001
Durham, North Carolina
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Annotations by Robert Jung
and the TFMSTing staff
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SKIT 1 : KILL THE GRAND POO-BAH
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(House lights off, run opening sequence tape)
(Tape off, house lights up)
(Doug, Phil and Sipher are all wearing silly hats. Sipher stands up)
SIPHER : Good morning, everyone. I'd like to welcome you all to the forty-
third meeting of the North Carolina chapter of the Cybertronian
Titanium Moose-Bot Lodge. Now, if Brother Phil could read the minutes
of the last meeting...
PHIL : (suddenly nervous) Minutes?
SIPHER : Yes. The minutes of the last meeting.
PHIL : (Looking around) Umm... about thrirty, thirty-one, not counting the
breakfast?
SIPHER : Er, no. When I say "the minutes of the last meeting", I mean you
go over what happened. At the last meeting.
PHIL : Oh.
(pause)
SIPHER : You don't HAVE the minutes of the last meeting, do you?
PHIL : Well... no.
SIPHER : All in favor of me giving Brother Phil a whap on the head for
forgetting the minutes of the last meeting, make the Sacred Titanium
Moose-Bot call.
(Doug and Sipher attemt to make the classic "transform" sound)
SIPHER : The motion carries!
(Sipher whaps Phil on the head with his script)
DOUG & SIPHER: 'Til all are one!
PHIL: That hurt!
SIPHER: Quiet, you. Now, fellow Cybertronian Titanium Moose-Bots, the first
order on TODAY'S agenda is planning the recreation activities for our
upcoming Fourth of July lodge picnic.
DOUG : Brother Moose-Bot!
SIPHER : Yes-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s...?
DOUG : I hate to interrupt, Brother Moose-Bot Sipher, but I must point out
that the Fourth of July was three weeks ago.
(long pause)
SIPHER : (with a "better think fast" look) Uh, no, BROTHER MOOSE-BOT DOUG,
I am referring to the activites for NEXT year's picnic. I believe we
should always plan ahead.
DOUG : We got the final script for this YESTERDAY, who the hell are YOU
kidding?
PHIL : All in favor of me giving Brother Doug a whap on the head for
doubting Brother Sipher's prodigious memory, make the Sacred Titanium
Moose-Bot call!
(Sipher and Phil attempt to make the classic "transform" sound)
SIPHER : The motion carries!
(Phil whaps Doug on the head with his script)
SIPHER : Brother Phil!
PHIL : Yes, Brother Sipher!
SIPHER : Your ideas for the picnic?
PHIL : (with a sheepish look) Well, uh, er, I kinda thought you were talking
about this year's picnic, too --
(Sipher starts to raise his script and Phil starts thinking fast.)
PHIL : -- butthatdidn'tstopmefromthinkingofsomeideas ANYWAY! (cringes)
SIPHER : Oh? Pray tell, what are they?
PHIL : Well.... everyone loves fireworks.
DOUG : I don't.
PHIL : Quiet. Everyone who matters loves fireworks. So therefore, we need to
make something explode.
SIPHER : What did you have in mind?
PHIL : Um....
DOUG : Rob Cypher?
SIPHER : That will do. I'm tired of this subject. Next point of order: It has
come to my attention that several of our order have not been acting as
Cybertronian Titanium Moose-Bots in good stead!
DOUG : What do you mean?
SIPHER : Well, I seem to remember Phil shooting you back in '99.
DOUG : I got better!
SIPHER : Yes, and you got revenge last year.
PHIL : Hey... that's right!
(Phil motions to whack Doug with his script.)
PHIL : I may not have a gun, but you will still pay for getting better!
DOUG : I think not. I think you shall be the one to pay.
(Phil and Doug trash talk for a few seconds.)
SIPHER : Enough! I propose that there will be no more killing of fellow
Cybertronian Titanium Moose-Bot members unless it is ME doing the killing!
(Phil and Doug look at each other.)
DOUG : I motion that the Grand Pooh-bah stop being such a stick in the mud.
PHIL : All in favor of me giving Brother Sipher a whap on the head for
spoiling our fun --
DOUG : Not to mention two years of tradition.
PHIL : -- make the Sacred Titanium Moose-Bot call.
(Doug and Phil attemt to make the classic "transform" sound)
PHIL : The motion carries!
(Phil and Doug both whap Sipher on the head with their scripts.)
PHIL : FURTHERMORE, for such insubordination, I propose we kill the Grand
Poo-Bah!
SIPHER : WHAT?!
DOUG : And I propose we eliminate even the toughest stains!
SIPHER : Oh, I get it -- because of a lack of imagination, you're just quoting
the movie.
PHIL : ... Right.
DOUG : Quoting the movie. Sure.
SIPHER : Then, as punishment, I propose and immediately pass the motion to
watch "Aerial Assault", "Dark Awakening", "Cutting Edge" and "Wolf in the
Fold"! We're not taking this to vote, I have decreed it, so eat me!
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
SIPHER : HA! Eat episodes, chumps!
(House lights off)
SIPHER : Wait... aw, MAN!
(Start tape)
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EPISODE 1 : G1 - AERIAL ASSAULT
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(Opening shot of a desert palace)
SIPHER : (singing) Istanbul was Constantinople...
["Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" was originally recorded by The Four Lads,
but Sipher is singing the cover by They Might Be Giants, being a big TMBG
fan himself]
(Into the bazzar)
DEALER : Who will buy my rugs?! Very-very good, very-very cheap!
PHIL : C-10 CASE FRESH RUGS!!!
["C-10 case fresh" is a term used by toy collectors to refer to toys that
have never been opened, sealed inside a shipping box with no flaws
whatsoever. This was also a favorite exclamation from Transking, a toy
dealer on alt.toys.transformers; everything was C-10 CASE-FRESH!!!!!!!!!]
(A man enters, riding an ox that's towing a blue junk car. He stops
in front of two others under a tent with some cars under it.)
MAN : Can you fix?
PHIL : The ox? Well, I've got some clippers...
[It'd be faster to just get two bricks...]
(One of the dealers walks over and kicks the car. The side panel
falls off.)
DOUG : Good thing it wasn't a Pinto or he'd be pulling back a charred
stump.
[The Ford Pinto was infamous for a fuel tank which exploded at the slightest
provocation.]
DEALER : (Pointing off-camera) HEY YOU!
(Another figure is running, carrying a tire. The dealer catches up to
him and grabs at the tire)
BOY : I don't have any money to pay for it, but I can help you repair
the car.
SIPHER : From a long way away, yeah, that's it. (Nervous laugh)
(The dealer yanks the tire away)
BOY : No-one speaks to me like that!
(The dealer raises the tire above his head, the boy books)
DEALER : Oh yeah? I bet no-one ever does THIS either!
(The dealer hurls the tire at the boy)
PHIL : Uh, yeah, they do! All the time, in fact!
(The dealer laughs and walks away, the boy takes the tire from where
it landed on the scrapheap.)
DOUG : Good job, you gave him what he was trying to steal.
SIPHER : Smart man.
(A bearded man drives up in a tan jeep)
BEARDY : This is the place!
(The jeep silently stops)
SIPHER : Quiet ride. Impressive.
BEARDY : ... and load the parts!
(Several men move the the scrap pile and pull out high-tech-looking
parts. They load them into a parked truck.)
BEARDY : Carefully!
(Zoom in on the scrappile, where the boy is working on a motorcycle.
An airhorn sounds, and the boy turns)
DOUG : Whoah, sorry. Hummus. Man.
[Hummus is a paste of pureed chickpeas usually mixed with sesame oil or
sesame paste and eaten as a dip or sandwich spread.]
(The boy gets up to see what's going on)
DOUG : Whew. (cough)
BEARDY : Hurry up, I don't have all day!
OTHER GUY : Ali! Someone watches!
(The boy is suddenly grabbed by a large man with glasses)
SIPHER : NEWMAN!
[A reference to Wayne Knight's character from the TV show "Seinfeld"]
ALI : Let me catch you spying on me again, and your hide will
decorate my trophy room!
(The boy runs away, nobody chases)
PHIL : Man, this kid is lucky. Second time in as many minutes someone's
just let him go.
SIPHER : Maybe it's because of those toots.
(The Aerialbots fly overhead)
SKYDIVE : Silverbolt! We've got to get more data before we can devise
any theory to explain why so many aircraft are disappearing
from this area!
DOUG : Maybe someone from the junk bazzar down there is stealing them?
PHIL : WE NEED MORE DATA! SHUT UP!
AIR RAID : Well, what do you expect, Slingshot? They're only
airplanes! Heh, not Aerialbots like us!
SIPHER : Buy us! Collect us!
SILVERBOLT : Hey! I'm getting an urgent may-day call! Someone's in
trouble, caught in an avalanche in the far end of the
canyon!
PHIL : His name is Timmy and he's got a collie!
[An homage to the classic "Lassie" TV shows and movies]
AIR RAID : (pulling away from Slingshot) See ya later, slowpoke!
(The Aerialbots fly lower over the canyon)
SILVERBOLT : I'm gonna radio Optimus Prime to meet us. We may need
help with first aid for the victims.
DOUG : Because we all know what a skilled paramedic Optimus is.
SIPHER : Yeah, he took the Sally Struthers mail-away course.
[From those ubiquious commercials. "Do you want to make more money? Sure,
we all do!"]
SLINGSHOT : ...you'll be lucky to keep up with my contrails!
SILVERBOLT : (Very woodenly) The distress signal's strong. We're near
there. Yes.
SIPHER : (Just as woodenly) I can't tell you how exciting this is. Yes.
(The rocks ahead crumble to reveal Onslaught and Brawl in their
combat vehicle modes, firing away)
ONSLAUGHT : AMBUSH!!!
PHIL : AMGORE!
DOUG : AMNADER!
SIPHER : AMBARRY!
[A reference to the 2000 United States Presidential Elections, with a tip of
the hat to Dave Barry, who always runs]
SILVERBOLT : Combaticons! Take evasive actron!
DOUG : Aerialbots! Get bent!
(Vortex and Dirge come out from behind a mountain)
VORTEX : C'mon, Dirge! Let's get 'em!!
(Some aerial figting, Air Raid gets behind Vortex...)
AIR RAID : You can run but you can't hide!
(Shot of Air Raid's control panel, with Vortex in his viewscreen)
PHIL : It's the Cybernetic Space Cube!
[In the early 1990s, Hasbro re-released a number of original Transformers
cartoon shows as "Transformers: Generation 2". They featured additional
computer-generated effects, one of which was a "Cybernetic Space Cube"
which rotated and manipulated scenes during transitions.]
ONSLAUGHT : Blast Off! Where ARE you?
(Blast off flies in behind three of the Aerialbots)
BLAST OFF : On my way to a turkey shoot! Isn't that right, turkeys?
SIPHER : (Charles Nelson Riley laugh)
SLINGSHOT : I can't shake him! Ugh!
PHIL : Try malting him!
[Shake? Malt? Get it?]
(He's grazed by Blast Off's lasers. Swoops in low, landing inside a
small cave at the bottom of the canyon.)
BLAST OFF : You won't get away that easily!
(He fires above the cave, causing rocks to fall over the entrance,
trapping Slingshot.)
(Onslaught and Brawl transform to robot mode)
ONSLAUGHT : One of the Aerialbots is buried!
DOUG : Punch and bars in the fellowship hall!
OPTIMUS : (off-camera) Not if we can help it!
(Optimus and a squad of Autobots transform and fire from the top of
the cliff.
(Air Raid clips Vortex's tail)
VORTEX : (odd wailing as he flies out of control)
PHIL : Woob woob woob! Nyuck nyuck!
[The classic laugh of Curley Howard of the Three Stooges]
(Silverbolt and Fireflight transform to robot mode and land in front
of Onslaught and Brawl)
ONSLAUGHT : Combaticons, retreat!
(They fly off)
SILVERBOLT : Forget about them. Slingshot needs rescuing.
SKYDIVE : And getting him out will present an interesting problem in
engineering.
DOUG : He can see the upside of any situation, can't he?
(Cut... there is a hole in the rubble. Optimus and Silverbolt are
holding Skydive above them, using him as the door frame to keep rocks
from tumbling down)
SIPHER : So, they couldn't just MOVE the pile of rocks, could they.
DOUG : How the hell did they DO this?
HOIST : On my way!
(Hoist drives out of the cave, towing Slingshot)
HOIST : Okay, we're all clear!
PHIL : Must be the newest Takara super-limited clear re-release of Hoist.
SIPHER : Crystal Hoist.
DOUG : Sounds like a diet cola.
[Takara of Japan often releases lots of variations of Transformers toys,
including ones made with clear ("crystal") plastic.]
(Optimus and Silverbolt try to move, but rocks tumble down. They're
clear, but Skydive is under the rocks... actually, he's behind them
as he pops up.)
SIPHER : Hey, could ya look for Timothy while you're in there?
[From the song "Timothy" by Rupert Holmes, about being trapped in a mine
shaft with Joe and Tim... and only he and Joe came out.]
(Symbol transition)
(The Autos and Aerials move along, with Slingshot still in tow)
SLINGSHOT : Hey, take it easy ofver these bumps, willya? I got enough
bruises!
(Insides a military hangar full of planes)
DOUG : Think that's Hangar 18?
[Hangar 18 is supposedly where the US government kept the remains of a flying
saucer which crashed in Roswell, New Mexico.]
(Ratchet is working on Slingshot as the Autobots watch)
RATCHET : Okay, that's it for now, but to get your weapons functional
I'll need a new console from headquarters.
SIPHER : (Crotchety prospector) Consolnit!
(Slingshot transforms, a little wobbly)
SLINGSHOT : I'm still a little shaky about flying.
RATCHET : No problem. I'll send it over and the base mechanics can
install it.
PHIL : The military can use advanced alien tech?
DOUG : According to some web sites, yes.
[See "Hangar 18" reference above]
SKYDIVE : ... maybe if I pretended to be a regular jet, I could get
stolen by the plane-nappers, as well as-
SILVERBOLT : Good thinking, Skydive.
SIPHER : I can't WAIT to be rid of you.
SLINGSHOT : Once we know who dey are, we can bust this thing wide
open!
(Skydive transforms to jet mode in line with the others)
SLINGSHOT : And as long as I'm gonna be here I while, I might as well
give Skydive a hand.
ALL : (Light applause)
(He transforms and parks next to Skydive)
AIR RAID : (sarcastic) Right, okay. Enjoy your vacation. We'll be in
touch.
(Symbol transition)
(Nighttime now. The hangar is lit and lots of people are inside
"working" on the planes... they're all Arabian guys with saws and
such dismantling the planes)
SLINGSHOT : W-what's going on? These guys aren't installing my new
console!
SKYDIVE : Slingshot, keep quiet! These aren't the base mechanics!
They're the plane-nappers!
SIPHER : How the hell did they get IN there?!
DOUG : And does nobody HEAR them disassembling the planes?! Is anybody
GUARDING that place?!
PHIL : No WONDER the military is desparate for new recruits.
(The plane-nappers put the plane parts in giant bins, covering them
with sheets)
(They continue to disassemble the two Aerialbots)
SIPHER : (Arab voice) Should we be concerned that this plane has a face
inside it?
PHIL : (Arab) Naaaaaaah.
SLINGSHOT : ... I can't believe that they're DOIN' this!
SKYDIVE : Be QUIET!
SIPHER : (Arab) Should we be concerned that this plane is TALKING?
DOUG : (Arab) Naaaaaaah.
SLINGSHOT : Aw, blast it! The disassembled my radio transmitter too!
PHIL : And they stole my Playboy air freshener! Fiends!
(The bins are loaded into laundry trucks, closed up, and the trucks
drive off)
SLINGSHOT : We're on our own...
DOUG: Alone at last! (Smoochy noises)
(Commercial)
(The laundry trucks pull up to a group of cars, Ali is there)
ALI : Quickly! You must be gone before the bazaar opens!
(They haul the bins out to a bunch of hot rods under construction)
(Cut to the junk pile where the young boy from before is sleeping.
The noise wakes him up.
SIPHER : (Dexter voice) Dee Dee! Vat are you DOING?
[A reference to Cartoon Network "Dexter's Laboratory". Sipher insists Hasan
and Dee Dee share the same voice actress, even though Doug disagrees.]
(He goes to spy on the men...)
ALI : What's WRONG?
SIPHER : Besides my atrocious stereotype?
MAN : These parts here. (Indicating the Aerialbot nosecones) They're
much too complex to use as car parts. We wouldn't know where to
begin.
ALI : Then put them back in the laundry truck!
DOUG : Boss, my shoelace is untied!
SIPHER : Then tie it!
DOUG : Gosh, you're smart.
ALI : Perhaps border inspectors will have as little interest in dirty
clothes as did the guards at the air base.
SIPHER : I don't know if I should be happy or sad that the US military is
being portrayed as THAT friggin' incompetant.
(The boy goes up to a man welding parts together)
PHIL : Remember, GENTLE PRESSURE!
[From a short film about railway/factory safety that was featured on MST3K.
Specifically, the phrase refers to how to get the attention of someone
wielding a welder torch -- use gentle pressure on their shoulder, rather
than any sudden taps.]
BOY : Need any help? I'm an expert with a welding torch!
WELDER : (over the noise) What did you say!
SIPHER : (Dexter voice) I said I have a secret laBORatory!
[Another "Dexter's Laboratory" reference]
ALI : (Right behind the boy) He SAID, "Little brats shouldn't meddle
in things that don't concern them"!
(He grabs the boy by the hood and throaws him into a pile of tires.)
DOUG : What a retread.
[That's a tire pun, if you missed it]
BOY : (To himself) Anything THAT secret has got to be interesting.
(Cut to a line of hot rods and the laundry trucks, lined up in front
of Swindle in robot mode.)
SWINDLE : We'll be lucky if that sorry-looking bunch of rattletraps
can get into first gear!
(He transforms to jeep mode, and Ali gets into the driver's seat.)
ALI : Allright! Let's move! Follow me!
ALL : (singing as the group drives away) We got a great big convoy...
[As sung by Boxcar Willie in the '70s hit trucker tune, "Convoy"]
(The boy hops on a motorcycle and follows the last laundry truck. He
uses a bar to undo the door latch, opening the back...)
PHIL : Oooh, I saw this on The A-Team once!
[Do we really have to explain THE A-TEAM? C'mon...]
(He guns it and pops a wheelie, landing in the laundry piles inside)
SKYDIVE : What was THAT?!
DOUG : Evil Knievel?
[Evil Knievel was a motorcycle stuntman famous for jumping over busses,
fountains, and the Grand Canyon]
SLINGSHOT : Shut up, Skydive! It could be human!
BOY : Of course it's a human! But why are you in there?
(The boy uncovers a small bin which somehow contains both
Aerialbots' nosecones.)
SIPHER : Oh, man, they shrunk in the wash!
SKYDIVE : (Gasps) Our cover's blown!
BOY : Who are you? WHAT are you?
(The two Aerialbots transform, their nosecones somehow becoming
their entire torsos)
PHIL : I think this is the second-goofiest thing I've ever seen.
SLINGSHOT : Aerialbots! And you're in big trouble, you jet-plane
theif! (pause) What the... aw, NO, they built my arms into one
of them rediculous cars!
SIPHER : (Arab, as if in the distance) Should we be concerned that this car
has fingers?
DOUG & PHIL : (Arab, distanced) Naaaaaah!
BOY : My name's Hasan! Heh, and if you're after that squint-eyed
scorpion Ali, *I* want to help!
SKYDIVE : In that case, Hasan, we've got a lot to talk about!
PHIL : Like this itch on my lower back. Can you get it?
(Cut to a palace)
ALI : (over the radio) Megatron, come in! Swindle and I are on our
way with the latest additions to our drone air force.
(Megatron is in the main dome by an indoor pool)
MEGATRON : MY drone air force, Ali!
SIPHER : Because you can't spell "Megatron" without the ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME!
(Megatron turns to looks outside, where several Decepticons are
reassembling planes)
MEGATRON : You may have deposed Prince Jamal and made his palace
available to us,
DOUG : (Megatron voice) Thereby providing me with exposition material...
MEGATRON : ...the Middle East oil fields are OURS will you recieve
your reward!
(Cut back to a long line of the hot rods and laundry trucks. Some guards
look at the bins.)
GUARD : Forgive the inconvenience. Aircraft are being smuggled from
this country, and we must inspect everything!
PHIL : Except the hood of the jeep in front of me with the giant purple
Decepticon logo!
DOUG : Hey guys, guess who's gonna be demoted to camel-dung sweeper in THIS
scene.
(The convoy drives off. Back to the palace... where a giant blue
mechanical griffin sits next to some planes.)
SIPHER : Uh...
(The men are disassebling the hot rods again)
ALI : Careful with that wing assembly, you oaf! Watch that engine!
(Blast Off and Ramjet transform to robot mode.)
BLAST OFF : We'll take over now!
(Inside the laundry truck, where Slingshot & Skydive sit)
BLAST OFF : (vo) Where are those other two jets?
DOUG : When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way!
[From the musical "West Side Story"]
SLINGSHOT : (whispering) If he puts enough of me together to
recognize me, I'm scrap iron!
ALI : In here!
(They open the truck. Blast off pulls out Slingshot's nosecone and
opens up the canopy. He presses a button, and there is a sparking and
small explosion.)
BLAST OFF : What a waste! These two jets are cheap junk!
PHIL : With Autobot symbols and HEY!!!
BLAST OFF : Finish equipping our new fighters with remote-control
units. We will NEED them in battle SOON.
SIPHER : (another Charles Neilson Riley laugh)
(The bad guys walk off)
SKYDIVE : Great short-cicuit you worked up, Slingshot!
SLINGSHOT : Heh-heh, yeah, too bad I hadda blow out a whole panel.
DOUG : (Slingshot voice) I just hope it wasn't anything
importaNNNNNNGHKKKKK!!!
MEGATRON : Excellent, Blast Off! We can use your help finishing off
the fortress!
(To another hangar. Skydive and Slingshot are back in full robot
mode, and Hasan is with them.)
SKYDIVE : I dunno, Slingshot, when Ali's men were building your parts
into this car, they must have left some out!
SLINGSHOT : Well, that's just great! (Pointing at a hole in his
chest) I can't go into battle missing half my chest!
PHIL : Half-naked robots?
(Hasan drives up in an expensive car)
HASAN : Hey, there's nothing to worry about! We can always use parts
from this!
(Cut... Slingshot now has the gold front grill from the car mounted
on his chest)
SLINGSHOT : Heh-hey! Hey, that's not bad at all!
SIPHER : He's gonna O-G if he's not careful.
DOUG : How's he go to the bathroom with all that on?
[From "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka", hilarious parody of blaxploitation films and
one of the few geniunely funny things the Wayans Brothers have ever done.
"O-G" means "Over-Gold", which is how the hero's black-sheep brother dies in
the beginning... too many gold chains.]
SLINGSHOT : But don't you think the Prince is gonna be kinda upset
about us tearin' up his car for spare parts?
HASAN : Oh, I'm SURE he'd want you to have the very best!
SKYDIVE : Hasan, if I showed you my weapons console-
PHIL : You ARE old enough to see that, right?
SIPHER : WHOAH.
[A sidelong reference to the comedy movie "Airplane!"]
(Symbol transition)
(Back to the big blue griffin, where workers are bringing in parts.)
HASAN : (Into a walkie-talkie) Okay guys, I'm going in.
SLINGSHOT : (vo) Be careful!
(Back to the hangar)
SKYDIVE : Hey, I just got a signal from Silverbolt! The rest of the
gang are on their way!
DOUG : And they've got beer!
ALL : WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Hasad slips by the Decepticons)
(Shot of Silverbolt and Air Raid flying overhead)
ONSLAUGHT : The Aerialbots! Destroy them!
SIPHER : And we get a rare peek at Onslaught's tactical genius.
SLINGSHOT : Boy, are we glad to see you!
(Onslaught transforms to cannon-truck mode)
MEGATRON : Blast Off, Ramjet, Vortex! Take control of the drone jets
and annihilate the Aerialbots!
DOUG : (As Megatron walks off into the griffin) I'll be in the can!
(The three 'Cons transform and take off)
BLAST OFF : Drone jets activated!
(Several drone jets take off)
(Hasan slips into the griffin behind Megatron and Rumble)
DOUG : Rumble, bring me the newspaper!
[Sipher notes that he, Doug, and Phil were laughing about these jokes for
hours on Sunday night. Yes, this is a sophisticated production.]
VORTEX : Assuming control of drone jets One, Two and Three!
RAMJET : Assuming control of drone jets Four, Five and Six!
BLAST OFF : Drone jets Seven, Eight and Nine are mine, DESTROY THE
AERIALBOTS!
PHIL : So their big plan hinges on nine brainless jets.
SIPHER : Wow. A plan worthy of the great Cy-Kill.
[Cy-Kill was the leader of the evil robots from Tonka's Go-Bots toy line]
SKYDIVE : Make that twelve to three!
(Skydive transforms and flies off)
SLINGSHOT : Then count me in as well!
HASAN : (over radio) Slingshot, no! I'm inside the griffin! I see the
console you need!
SIPHER : It's a Dreamcast! Now you can play Shenmue!
["Shenmue" is a video game that is only available for the Sega Dreamcast]
SLINGSHOT : Okay, but hurry!
PHIL : Megatron's almost done with the sports section!
(The Aerialbots and drone jets exchange missiles)
(On the ground, the land-based Combaticons transform)
ONSLAUGHT : Blast them out of the sky!
(Onlsaught fires and misses the Aerialbots, but destroys two tailing
drone jets)
DOUG : GOOD one.
(Silverbolt takes out another drone jet)
PHIL : We're what, three seconds into the battle? Yeah, it's going real
well for the Decepticons. Really worth the effort.
(Air Raid rips another jet apart with his wing)
AIR RAID : YEE-HAAAA!
(The Aerialbots strafe Onslaught, sending him flying where he lands
in robot mode, headfirst in the sand)
SIPHER : This is kinda like the Pearl Harbor movie, only exciting and
enjoyable.
["Pearl Harbor" sucked. 'nuff said.]
ONSLAUGHT : (vo) Megatron! Are you ready?
MEGATRON : READY!
DOUG : I feel ten pounds lighter!
PHIL : That's enough.
[The end of the toilet jokes]
(Frenzy & Rumble work on the controls of the griffin. Two gun barrels
pop out of its forehead.)
MEGATRON : OPEN FIRE!
HASAN : (Working at the weapons panel) No!
(The Aerialbots come in... and the griffin opens fire)
(Commercial)
PHIL : How will they escape?!
(The Aerialbots turn and evade the lasers)
PHIL : They DODGE?! WOW!
SLINGSHOT : (Running, dodgeing blasts from Dirge) Weapons or not, I
gotta do SOMETHING!
ONSLAUGHT : The flying fools are doomed!
DOUG : Unless they just don't fly directly in front of the griffin!
(Onslaught transforms back to cannon-truck mode, but Slingshot hits
him from the side, flipping him over.)
SIPHER : Oh, he's down at the forty!
[A stereotypical comment from American football -- in this case, Onslaught
has been knocked down at the 40-yard line.]
(Onslaught accidentally fires, nailing Ramjet)
PHIL : Onslaught's done more damage than the Aerialbots do all season!
ONSLAUGHT : Swindle! Brawl! Get this Aerialbot trash OFF me!
(They grab Slingshot by his legs and fling him to the ground)
ONSLAUGHT : (now in robot mode) So I can BLAST him into obli-!
SIPHER : Into obli-?
(The first blast misses, Slingshot gets up and dodges the others)
DOUG : If he could AIM better, maybe he could blast him into obliVION
rather than into obli-.
(Blast Off swwops in, Slingshot ducks)
BLAST OFF : -nite, and transform to BRUTICUS!
PHIL : Why wait 'till night?
SIPHER : Why not wait until we get a new sound editor?
SLINGSHOT : (Now in jet mode) Without Fireflight, we can't unite
against him!
DOUG : Where IS Fireflight?
PHIL : His shift super at Taco Bell won't let him leave until he finished
unclogging the sour cream gun.
BLAST OFF : Aerialbot, I thought you were dead! But no matter, you
SOON WILL BE!!!
SIPHER : (rediculously over-the-top Charles Neislon Riley laugh)
SLINGSHOT : I'm hit!
(He lands in robot mode on top of Blast Off, who tries to shake him
off by ripping through some palm trees in the palace garden)
PHIL : That's one way to keep the garden trimmed...
(Inside the griffin, Hasan pulls out a console and grabs the walkie-
talkie.)
HASAN : Hang on, slingshot! I've got the weapons console!
(Back in the air)
RAMJET : It's time someone taught you a lesson!
DOUG : He recovered fast!
(Air Raid clips Ramjet's wing, sending him crashing into the sand)
RAMJET : (in robot mode) Ooooh...
PHIL : I'll give him SUCH a pinch...
(Back to the griffin)
MEGATRON : Rumble! Prepare fortress for takeoff!
RUMBLE : You got it, boss!
(The main doors to the griffin begin to close. Hasan runs for it but
cannot make it in time.)
DOUG : Attention shoppers, the griffin is now closed. You're stuck here. Ha
ha.
[A variation of the stereotypical K-Mart store announcement]
(Large thrusters come out from the griffin's sides and it blasts off)
(Slingshot is slill clinging to blast Off, who this time tries to
scrape him off a cliff face)
SLINGSHOT : Gotta hang on! Can't let the Combaticons unite into
Bruticus!
(Blast Off manages to fling Slingshot off, who land in the griffin's
mane)
BLAST OFF : Aerialbot weakling! Yo uneve had a chance!
(Tendrils of the mane move and wrap arouns Slingshot)
SLINGSHOT : NOOOOOOO!!!
SIPHER : It's got dandruff the size of dinner plates! AGH!!!
BLAST OFF : Combaticons, we now UNITE!
ALL : UNION! UNION!
(The Combaticons transform, merging into the giant Bruticus)
BRUTICUS : And Bruticus will DESTROY.
SIPHER : And Bruticus' toy will be recolored eighteen times.
[With Baldigus being the latest version.]
(Bruticus swats Skydive away)
SLINGSHOT : The guys are gonna get killed!
HASAN : (vo) Not if I can help it!
(Hasan crawls out from the griffin's eye)
PHIL : Eyuw, he's an ambulatory eye booger!
(Hasan opens Slingshot's chest up, and installs the panel. Slingshot
sparks for a second)
SLINGSHOT : WHOAH.
DOUG : TRAILS, man!
[Drug humor.]
(Slingshot pulls out his pistol, blasting away the tendrils. He grabs
Hasad and flies off.)
SLINGSHOT : Now, LET'S KICK AFTERBURNERS!!!
(Silverbolt circles Bruticus, who is trying to knock him away)
DOUG : (fly buzzing)
AIR RAID : Hang on, Silverbolt!
(Air Raid gets swatted. He hits the ground in robot mode)
AIR RAID : Whoo. Last time I try THAT.
(Shot of Hasad in Slingshot's cockpit)
SLINGSHOT : Hang on tight, Hasan!
PHIL : (Hasan voice) What does THIS button do?
SIPHER : NO! AIEEEE!!!
(Slingshot fires a missile with a claw on the end, attached to a big
wire...)
DOUG : I think I saw this in a movie once about a million times.
[What? You haven't seen "The Empire Strikes Back" yet?]
(The missile clamps to Bruticus' leg, the wire wraps around... and
Bruticus falls over)
HASAN : Slingshot, you did it!
SIPHER : (Hasan) You breifly inconvenienced him!
(Fireflight flies up)
FIREFLIGHT : Hi, guys, anything going on?
SIPHER : Pfhhh.
SILVERBOLT : It's about time you got here!
PHIL : I'm slightly miffed at you, you know!
SILVERBOLT : ... Unite and transform into SUPERION!
(They do)
DOUG : Two big stupid inarticulate brutes... just like professional
wrestling!
(Superion rams into the now-upright Bruticus, knocking him on his
backside)
(Back to the griffin. Megatron has Bruticus on the veiwscreen)
MEGATRON : Rumble, Frenzy! ANNIHILATE HIM!
SIPHER : Dude, he's on YOUR side!
(The griffin fires, hitting Superion in the chest, who falls over.
The griffin swoops in, but Superion kicks him away as he falls)
PHIL : Brilliant. Lovely.
(The griffin flies backwards, collapsing an oil tower which spurts
crude oil into the sky)
SIPHER : JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
[Specifically, Jed Clampett, the oil-rich millionare from "The Beverly
Hillbillies"]
(The Decepticons crawl out of the fallen griffin)
DOUG : That's IT? ONE kick and it's over?!
PHIL : They were better off with the drone jets!
SIPHER : Or even SPITBALLS.
MEGATRON : (aiming his cannon at Ali) You'll be lucky if I let you
LIVE, fool!
(He stomps off, and slips in a huge puddle of crude oil. Everyone
scatters as he falls on his butt)
PHIL : Dignity, thy name is Megatron!
(Bruticus flips the charging Superion on over his back)
SIPHER : Wheeee!
(Bruticus advances...)
SUPERION : Aerialbots, SEPARATE!
(They split)
DOUG : I want my albums back!
(Bruticus flies through where Superion used to be, and lands on his
back in front of the griffin.)
SILVERBOLT : Aerialbots, ATTAAAACK!!!
(They transform to jet mode. The oil-covered Bruticus gets up, but
the 'Bots fire on the oil pool, setting it on fire.)
SIPHER : Oklahoma 1954! The oil fields are ablaze!
[A semi-generic MovieTone News headline]
(The fire reaches the oil plume, which ignites, sending the
scattering Decepticons flying out of control and screaming into the
distance)
PHIL : I haven't seen a dramatic battle like that since Bugs Bunny bested
Yosemite Sam.
[See almost any Bugs Bunny cartoon]
(Nighttime at the palace)
(Ali, still oil-soaked, stands in front of the Aerialbots)
AIR RAID : So you threw the Prince out so you and MEgatron could
rule the world together!
DOUG : A nearly flawless plan, yeah.
(Air Raid picks up Ali)
AIR RAID : I think we oughtta-
SILVERBOLT : Maybe we should let Prince Jamal deal with him.
SLINGSHOT : Yeah, if we can FIND him.
SIPHER : I'll check the wood chipper.
[A reference to the movie "Fargo"]
(Hasan walks in in nice royal clothes)
HASAN : And then again, it might be easier than you think!
DOUG : Okay, who saw this coming, hands up!
(All raise their hands)
(We see a painting of Prince Jamal... and it looks like)
SLINGSHOT : ... Hasad!
ALI : I, I can see... THE BRAT IN THE BAZAAR! It was-
HASAD : Me! Prince Jamal!
SIPHER : Or, the Brat Formerly Known As Prince Jamal!
[A reference to the pop musician Prince, who was called "the artist formerly
known as Prince" in the news media after he changed his name to an
unpronouncable glyph-symbol.]
HASAD/JAMAL : I didn't know what you were up to, but thanks to my
friend Slingshot and the rest of.. Slingshot, what's the
matter?
SLINGSHOT : I just remembered, your car...
(The car grill magically fades back onto his chest)
PHIL : GAH! DEMON!
DOUG : HE'S A SHAPE-SHIFT- wait...
[Slingshot's a Transformer, so he's already a shape-shifter, right?
Hahahahahahahhaha... heh]
HASAD/JAMAL : (laughing) My friend, I thought you knew! My hobby is
rebuilding old junkers!
(The grill keeps appearing and disappearing throughout the next shot)
ALL : (Reacting in horror every time it phases in and out)
SLINGSHOT : (laughing) Great, 'cuz I really LIKE... hey! Did you just
call me a junker?!
SIPHER : (Wreck-Gar voice) Don't look behind Door Number Two, Monty!
[Channeling "Transformers: The Movie" and "Let's Make a Deal"]
HASAD/JAMAL : Don't worry, Slingshot. No matter what you're made of,
you'll always be a Rolls Royce to me!
PHIL : (Dexter voice) Ha ha ha, now GET BACK IN MY LA*BOR*ATORY!
[One last "Dexter's Laboratory" reference]
OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights on, stop tape)
***************************************************************************
SKIT 2 : EGG MCGUFFIN
***************************************************************************
SIPHER : Man. I think that was possibly the dumbest Evil-Invention-Slash-
Alien-Device I've ever seen in the entire series.
PHIL : I gotta admit, that WAS pretty weak. Though I wouldn't say THE
dumbest. Remember last year? When Megatron built that stationary
cannon in the middle of nowhere, Argentina?
SIPHER : You mean the one that only gave Ironhide mild abrasions at point
blank range and full power?
PHIL : That's the bunny.
DOUG : No wonder the Autobots only needed a steel plate to keep it capped.
PHIL : I hear they've got an oil derrick there now.
DOUG : Yeah, the cannon was pretty dumb, but what about the rechargers from
"Attack of the Autobots"?
SIPHER : Oh yeah! (Megatron voice) "Now that the Autobots have been charged
with negative energy, they're as evil as we are!"
PHIL : So the only difference between the Autobots and the Decepticons is
that one group's AC and the other's DC?
DOUG : Apparently.
SIPHER : AC/DC? Didn't Starscream sing lead vocals for that group?
(Slight pause while everyone thinks about that)
SIPHER : anyway, I still can't get over the hypno-chips from "The Ultimate
Doom". One little chip is all it takes to turn someone into a mindless
drone? Pffft.
DOUG : Yeah, where's the chicken blood and little dolls?
SIPHER : (Giving Doug a weird look) If he was REALLY smart, Dr. Archeville
could have sold it to GM and retired richer than Bill Gates.
PHIL : Wouldn't the UAW complain?
DOUG : For what, copying their schtick?
SIPHER : (chortle)
PHIL : Hey, how about the Pearl of Bahoudin?
SIPHER : The what of who?
PHIL : It was in "The Trans-Europe Express."
SIPHER : The Trans-What What?
DOUG : It was a pearl that controlled the weather.
(Doug and Sipher get "I don't believe this shit" expressions on their faces)
SIPHER : HOW?
DOUG : A pearl's not an evil-invention-slash-alien-device, Phil.
PHIL : Yeah, but it's still dumb.
SIPHER : Dumber than the Oracle?
DOUG : Yowch. The Oracle wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so completely
fallible and kept changing from sentient thing with its own plans to some
brainless harddrive that does whatever any schmuck tells it to.
PHIL : Dumber than a floating mountain of Energon crystals, at any rate.
DOUG : Just say NO to raw, unrefined Energon, kids.
SIPHER : Only buy processed Energon from respectable companies that are
allowed to advertise on TV, kids!
DOUG : Was that a social message?
SIPHER : (ignoring Doug) Still, that wasn't as bad as the Transmetal 2
driver. I mean, here's this THING that comes COMPLETELY out of left field,
whose only purpose is to spit out new Transmetal 2 toys like some weird-ass
Pez dispenser.
DOUG : So true.
PHIL : No way! The DUMBEST doohickey ever in Transformers history has to be
the organic goo at Cybertron's core. It cripples robots! It makes
plants grow at super-speed! It's programmable! And it tastes great!
DOUG : He's got a point. How do you program nougat?
SIPHER : Well, it's a tough call ... but I'm sticking with... um... phoo.
Since the pain is fresh, I'm going with the griffin.
PHIL : No, the goo!
SIPHER : The griffin!
PHIL : The goo!
DOUG : Okay, okay, okay... Let's face it, guys -- cheesy inventions and
goofball gimmicks are a fundamental part of the Transformers mythos.
SIPHER : Maybe, but I don't have to LIKE it. Although I am forced to admit I'm
going to use my own cheap gimmick right now.
PHIL : Oh? What is it?
OFFSTAGE : _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights off, start tape)
***************************************************************************
EPISODE 2 : G1 - DARK AWAKENING
***************************************************************************
(Space; an Autobot shuttle is being pursued by Decepticons)
SPIKE : The Decepticons are creaming us!
PHIL : Soon they'll be adding butter and chives!
DOUG : Oh CRAP, bacon bits!!
[Sour cream, butter, chives, and bacon bits are popular condiments for
eating a baked potato.]
(Inside the Decepticon flagship, Galvatron talks to the Quintessons
over a viewscreen)
QUINTESSON 1 : You see, Galvatron, we kept our word. We lead you
straight to the Autobot leader.
QUINTESSON 2 : And now he is yours to destroy.
GALVATRON : Oh, yes, you are loyal allies, so long as it suits your
purposes! (He blasts the screen)
SIPHER : Whoah, Elvistron!
[Elvis Presley, in his later years, reportedly used a gun to shoot at his
TV screen if he saw something he didn't like...]
GALVATRON : Fortunately, your purposes coincide with mine... for the
moment.
SCOURGE : They're getting away!
GALVATRON : Launch torpedoes!
(Torpedoes are launched)
PHIL : They're not getting out of here without recreating another sequence
from the movie!
RODIMUS : Company's coming.
ULTRA MAGNUS : We can't outrun them, not with an engine down.
RODIMUS PRIME : Then there's only one option...
DOUG : Damn him for making us recreate another sequence from the movie!
[The scene echos the destruction of Ultra Magnus' shuttle in the movie far
too much for anyone's good]
{The shuttle explodes as the torpedoes hit it}
CYCLONUS : The end of Rodimus Prime!
SIPHER : You know, I think Cyc there needs to be the next Dumbass
Transformer of the Month.
["Dumbass Robot of the Month" is a web page by David "Walky" Willis that
looks at stupid, moronic, or otherwise dumbass Transformers characters. He,
in turn, was inspired by TransFan Tengu's "Badass Robot of the Month"]
GALVATRON : Ahead full speed. I wish to examine the debris, and make
certain.
(Sigil scene shift)
ARCEE : We launched the life pod just in time.
MAGNUS : Yes, but without communications, it could be months untill
we're found.
SPIKE : Hah, swell. What do Daniel and I do when the air runs out?
PHIL : What makes you think you're lasting that long?
RODIMUS : Maybe we can dock at that...whatever up ahead.
DANIEL : What is it?
RODIMUS : We'll know when we get there, kid. Let's just hope it's
friendly.
DOUG : I think it's a... giant... space walrus? The hell?
PHIL : With photon flippers or something?
[Depending on your knowledge of Japanese Transformers manga lore, this is
either a reference to a "Beast Wars Neo" comic, or a reference to one of
Berkeley Breathed's "Bloom County" comic strips. Both feature intergalactic
walruses with photon flippers...]
(Sigil scene shift)
(Decepticon warship)
SCOURGE : (Uncertain} There's something big out there.
CYCLONUS : Alter course to intercept?
(Galvatron nods)
PHIL : (As Picard) Make it BWAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
[Galvatron fails to imitate Jean-luc Picard from "Star Trek: The Next
Generation"]
(Sigil scene shift)
{An enourmous platform-type station comes into view}
DANIEL : It's awesome.
DOUG : Radical!
PHIL : Excellent!
SIPHER : Bossa nova!
DOUG & PHIL : "Bossa nova"?
[Stealing from the first live-action "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie]
DANIEL : What's wrong? What is that thing?
ARCEE : A tomb.
SIPHER : (groaning) PLEASE tell me we're not gonna see Lara Croft...
PHIL : Ugh.
[Especially apt, since the abysmal "Tomb Raider" movie was released just
one month before this show]
KUP : As a final resting place for the Autobots we lost in the last
great war.
DANIEL : Like... Optimus Prime?
(The Autobots nod)
(The escape pod approaches the docking bay)
DANIEL : Do - do we have to go inside?
RODIMUS PRIME : Nothing in there can hurt us, Daniel.
DOUG : Rod's never seen a slasher film, has he?
[Horror movies always feature psychotic monsters in graveyards]
(The shuttle lands near a humongous veil of mist)
KUP : That's the Veil of Remembrance. A memorial to the Autobot
heroes whose chassis and servos rest here.
PHIL : (crying) No, not Tom Servo too!
[Tom Servo is the gumball-machine-headed robot from the original "Mystery
Science Theater 3000"]
SPIKE : I liked it better from the outside.
(Daniel wanders off)
DOUG : Time to do something stupid!
(He walks by the Autobot graves, reading off the names)
DANIEL : Ironhide. Ratchet. Prowl. Huffer.
PHIL : SEE?! NO BRAWN!
[Refers to the ongoing Transformers fandom joke, where folks debate endlessly
about whether or not the Autobot Brawn died in "Transformers: The Movie". If
Daniel didn't see a grave for Brawn, then he must be alive, right?]
(We see Daniel's back. A pair of blue-and-white robot legs appear.)
(Daniel pushes a button, and the lights go out)
DANIEL : Ugh. Oh no!
(He hits the button repeatedly. The lights go on, he turns around and
sees a devastated Optimus Prime.)
DOUG : I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!
[As popularized by "The Sixth Sense"]
(Daniel screams and runs away. He accidentally hits a button with his
shoulder, a door opens and a dead robot falls out)
SIPHER : The Autobots need to lie on the floor to open tombs here?
(Daniel screams and runs away again. He learly slams into another
pair of legs...)
RODIMUS : What's wrong?
DANIEL : {Panting} I saw him!
MAGNUS : Saw whom?
PHIL : Keiser Soze! I'm a dead man!
["Keiser Soze" is a character from "The Usual Suspects", who is supposedly
a man so evil that criminals shudder at his very name.]
DANIEL : Optimus. Optimus Prime!
ARCEE : The shadows in here can play tricks on you, Daniel.
DANIEL : But it was him! You believe me, don't you, dad?
SIPHER : I sure do, son. BLBLBLBLBLBLBLLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL!
[A classic use of cartoon irony, most notably among Tex Avery's work]
RODIMUS : There's only one way to find out.
KUP : You're gonna open his tomb?
MAGNUS : A waste of energy. Our reserves...
DOUG : ... won't be eaten up by taking two minutes to do this.
RODIMUS : The burial chamber is on the other side of the Veil. Come
on.
PHIL : So if you're NOT behind the veil, you're a loser and a schmuck,
right, got it.
(Sigil scene shift)
(The Autobots enter the burial chamber, they approach Optimus'
coffin)
RODIMUS : Optimus Prime. If he were alive, I'd know. The Matrix would
have told me, somehow.
DOUG : It'd have passed me a note in Bio, at least.
RODIMUS : I've got to be sure.
ARCEE : Rodimus, no!
(Rodimus Prime opens Optimus Prime's tomb)
SIPHER : Mr. Lugosi?!
[Bela Lugosi was famous for playing monsters in Universal Studio's black-and-
white horror movies. Of course, Dracula was one of his roles.]
DANIEL : It's empty. I told ya!
(The Decepticon background theme begins)
RODIMUS : The Decepticons!
PHIL : I'd recognize that theme music anywhere!
(The Autobots go through the Veil, and into a hail of laser fire)
MAGNUS : There are too many of them!
KUP : ONE Decepticon is one too many!
DOUG : So two is three many, right?
GALVATRON : FORWARD!!!
(He fires, destrying the Autobot's life pod)
KUP : At least this beats seein' ghosts!
PHIL : Or seeing Tom Green. BLECH!!!
[Tom Green is a Canadian comedian, though Sipher notes that he's a tasteless,
anti-funny hack-job who needs to be shot and his corpse torn apart by rabid
wolves, who should then also be shot]
(A bolt heads for Spike and Daniel, Arcee jumps in front of them and
takes it in the shin.)
SIPHER : Yeah, the girl ALWAYS breaks her shin or something...
DANIEL : Arcee!
ARCEE : It's okay. Only an exo-structure wound.
RODIMUS : Back! It's our only chance!
GALVATRON : We have them. Finish it!
DOUG : (Bored) Yeah, yeah, Mortal Kombat.
[In the video game "Mortal Kombat," each fight ends with the announcer
saying "finish him", which is a cue for the winner to try and defeat his
opponent with a gory or spectacular finale]
(The Decepticons chase the Autobots through the Veil. One of
Galvatron's blasts throws the Autobots to the floor)
GALVATRON : How convenient, Rodimus. We can lay your wreckage beside
that of your mentor!
SIPHER : With Mentos fresh and full of death!
["Mentos" are breath mints whose ads say they can make you feel "Mentos
fresh and full of life". Of course, this is a play on Mentos/Mentor.]
(A blast strikes Galvatron)
(They turn... and Optimus Prime stands with gun drawn)
OPTIMUS PRIME : Decepticons, leave this place... or DIE!
GALVATRON : Optimus Pri-
(He gets shot again and falls over)
(The Sweeps flee)
PHIL : (meekly) Mother!
(Cyclonus drags the unconcious Galvatron with him as he retreats)
CYCLONUS : Cowards! Fight on!
SIPHER : While I run away wetting myself!
(The Decepticons retreat)
MAGNUS : Hold your fire! We've driven them off.
DANIEL : Yeah. Thanks to...
(Optimus steps through the Veil)
DANIEL :...him.
DOUG : (Optimus zombie voice) PEPSI BRINGS YOUR ANCESTORS BACK FROM THE
DEAD!!!
[According to popular urban legend, when Pepsi translated their slogan "Come
alive with the Pepsi Generation" in Taiwan, it came out as "Pepsi will bring
your ancestors back from the dead." Whether or not this really happened is
unclear. Then, of course, there's also "Pepsi Prime", the Optimus Prime toy
with extra Pepsi decals you can apply to his trailer so it looks like he's
hauling Pepsi cola. Hence the inclusion of the line here, as Pepsi brought
him back. Ha ha.]
(commercial)
(we're back)
RODIMUS : Optimus. What - what are your commands, sir?
DOUG : (zombie voice) EVERYBODY CONGA!
(Optimus grabs Rodiumus, groaning)
OPTIMUS : Is it safe?
SIPHER : Oh man, he's gonna strap Rodimus to a dentists' chair!
[From "The Marathon Man"]
RODIMUS : The Matrix. Yes, I've been keeping it warm for you.
DOUG : Eyuw.
(Rodimus starts to take the matrix out...)
MAGNUS : Wait. Optimus is in no condition to assume leadership.
PHIL : You've been pessimistic this whole trip! Do you need a nap or
something?
KUP : That's the point, sonny. What happened, Optimus?
OPTIMUS : Darkness. Cold. Then, light.
DOUG : Then... pudding. I don't know why.
[No reference. Doug just seemed to really really like this line. This and
"Rumble, fetch me a newspaper" had Doug giggling for days.]
DANIEL : Maybe he was in a, you know, a coma.
SPIKE : Possible.
RODIMUS : Hey, he's here, he's back, and who cares how?
OPTIMUS : Must... complete... plan.
SIPHER : No-one understands. No-one... knows my plan...
[From "No One Knows My Plan," by They Might Be Giants]
RODIMUS : Yeah. What's the plan?
(Sigil scene change)
(Optimus Prime walks to a ship)
ARCEE : Optimus built himself an escape ship.
RODIMUS : Still think he's unfit to lead us?
DOUG : So he passed Metal Shop, big whoop.
[American schools used to feature metal shop, a class where students could
learn metal-working skills. Most of these classes have been eliminated due
to budget cuts and/or a desire to focus more on learning fundamentals.]
KUP : Wait, Rodimus!
(Rodimus takes the Matrix fro mits housing in his chest)
RODIMUS : Sir, this is yours.
OPTIMUS : (Groaning) No. No. No!
(Struggling, he takes the Matrix and puts it in his chest housing}
(Rodimus shrinks... becoming Hot Rod again)
HOT ROD : All right, Hot Rod is back. Let's party!
DOUG : Let's kick over some gravestones!
OPTIMUS : Forgive me.
HOT ROD : Huh? For what?
(Optimus shoots Hot Rod)
PHIL : THAT'S for getting me killed in the movie!
[In "Transformers: The Movie," Optimus Prime is killed by Megatron partially
because Hot Rod is captured by Megatron and used as a shield. Unwilling to
shoot Hot Rod, Optimus ends up being an open target for Megatron's attacks.]
OPTIMUS : What... have I done?
(He goes to a console)
OPTIMUS : Must... complete... mission.
COMPUTER : Auto destruct activated.
SIPHER : Okay, now, has ANYONE in the whole of recorded history EVER made
ANYTHING with a self-destruct function in real life?!
DOUG : Windows '95.
SIPHER : I mean INTENTIONAL self-destruct functions.
DOUG : So did I.
(The Autobots come to)
ARCEE : Optimus...he...
HOT ROD : He didn't kill us; he must have some plan.
PHIL : Wake UP, twit.
KUP : More like a recipe for Autobot fondue.
MAGNUS : We're on a collision course with that red sun!
SIPHER : (Panicky) Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun!
[From the closing credits music to "Red Dwarf," which features the chorus
"fun fun fun in the sun sun sun"]
(sigil scene shift)
(Back on Cybertron, Optimus talks in front of a crowd of Autobots)
OPTIMUS : Rodimus. Kup. Ultra Magnus and Arcee. They gave their lives
so that I might return to Cybertron.
PERCEPTOR : Daniel? And Spike?
SIPHER : Ever see a Southern Barbecue? Like that.
OPTIMUS : The Quintessons left no survivors.
GRIMLOCK : Quintessons! Me Grimlock STOMP QUINTESSONS FLAT INTO
GROUND!
(Grimlock stomps around in a little dance for far too long)
DOUG : Diahrrea is like Grimlock stomping inside you.
[A variation of an old suppository commercial slogan]
OPTIMUS : We will mobilise all our forces, and move against the
Quintessons.
SPRINGER : Those five-faced tentacled slime are gonna pay for this
but good! (Clenches his fist, quietly) I mean it, Arcee.
SIPHER : I'll drink nothing but your cola in rememberance.
[Royal Crown, or "RC" cola, is a distant alternative to Coca-Cola and Pepsi]
(sigil scene shift)
(An unkown location, several Quints watch a viewscreen)
QUINT 1 : The entire Autobot fleet moves to attack us.
QUINT 2 : Precisely as we predicted.
QUINT 3 : May I propose an anticipatory snicker of triumph?
PHIL : You guys USED to be cruel psychotic sadists! You were ENTERTAINING
then! What HAPPENED?!
(sigil scene shift)
KUP : Say your goodbyes, folks. We won't be seein' this place -or
the heroes in it- ever again. Nobody will.
MAGNUS : Let's just hope this little improvisation gets us home.
SIPHER : Remember, each sentance must begin with a successive letter of the
alphabet, and we only have ninety seconds before Drew buzzes us!
[A typical set of nonsense rules from the TV improvisational comedy show,
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"]
(They all board the junk ship and fly away. As the leave it behind,
the mausoleum crashes into the sun)
MAGNUS : Set couse for Cybertron.
DOUG : I was thinking Oxnard, but your idea is MUCH better!
(sigil scene shift)
(The junk shuttle heads towards Cybertron)
MAGNUS : The retro thrusters aren't breaking fast enough!
KUP : Brace for crash landing!
(Inside the Autobot HQ, Sludge and Snarl watch the shuttle through a
window. Sludge pushes Snarl out of the way...)
PHIL : Don't sit so close to the TV, it's bad for your eyes!
[A common warning to kids from their mothers...]
(The ship crashes through the wall where they were standing)
PHIL : See?
(The Autobots crawl out of the wreckage)
ARCEE : Sludge! Snarl! Are we glad to see you!
SLUDGE : Me Sludge not glad to see you!
SNARL : You all DEAD!
(Sludge and Snarl look at each other in confusion, a natural state)
SLUDGE : Maybe WE dead.
SIPHER : And I haven't done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and
there's nothing I want to do.
[Another They Might Be Giants song, this time "Dead"]
SLUDGE : All go smash Quintessons.
MAGNUS : Quintessons? What have Quintessons got to do with any of
this?
SNARL : They kill you. Optimus Prime say so. Uh-oh... something not
right.
DOUG : Yeah, I'd say leaving a whole planet in the hands of two idiots
isn't right.
ARCEE : He's taken the whole fleet!
(sigil scene change)
OPTIMUS : That central planet is the Quintesson's new base.
PHIL : This December, from Disney!
[Hey, if they can sell "The Emperor's New Groove", why not "The
Quintessons' New Base"?]
PERCEPTOR : We'll send our patrols.
OPTIMUS : And lose the element of surprise? *I* am in command here
Perceptor.
PERCEPTOR : Of... course, Prime. But-
BLURR : ExcuseMe! PriorityOneSignComingThroughFor-
SIPHER : SUUUUURRRGE!!!!
["Surge" is an energy drink popular with many athletes]
BLURR : Important! ThisIsForPrime! MessageReceivedFromCybertron:
Urgent! Item:RodimusUltraMagnusKupArceeDanielAndSpikeSafe! Will
JoinFleetShortly! RecommendToHoldAttack!
PERCEPTOR : They're alive!
OPTIMUS : A cunning Quintesson trick. A fake message.
DOUG : Yeah, they're a regular Mori-frickin-arty.
[Moriarity was the ultimate arch-foe of Sherlock Holmes, an evil criminal
mastermind who was nearly as smart as Holmes himself]
OPTIMUS : Full speed ahead!
(The Quint hideout)
QUINT 1 : Excellent. The Autobots have no idea that the central
planet is a decoy.
SIPHER : (Quint) Available free with the purchase of any carded Transformer.
Collect all 40.
[Echoing the Transformer decoys commercial, where little rubber mini-figures
of Transformers characters were packaged as premiums on carded TFs for a while
in the '80s]
QUINT 3 : Perhaps we should seek some cover.
QUINT 1 : No! Place your faith in our defense systems.
PHIL : (X-Wing pilot voice) Almost there...
[Star Wars, natch.]
QUINT 1 : FIRE!!!
(The asteroids open up to reveal a multitude of cannons. They fire,
tearing up Autobot ships)
QUINT 1 : This won't even be a war.
QUINT 2 : Merely an exercise in... extermination.
SIPHER : I guess they took the Dalek home study course.
[The Daleks were the robotic enemies from the British "Dr. Who" TV show,
reknown for robotically chanting "Exterminate! Exterminate!" when on the
attack]
(commercial)
(A repeat shot of Autobot ships being blown away)
DOUG : They're killing people TWICE!
(Hot Rod & co.'s shuttle)
ARCEE : We're too late.
HOT ROD : Radio Prime's flagship. We gotta stop him.
MAGNUS : Intercept One to flagship...
PHIL : Lick me!
(Sigil scene change)
BLURR : HotRodUltraMagnusKupArceeDanielSpikeSaysImperative! Urgent
PriorityOneNoKidding! HoldAttackAndCanTheyComeAboard?
OPTIMUS : They live? (Groans) Impossible. Another Quintesson trick.
Destroy the interceptor!
{A hole is blasted in the side of the ship, Hot Rod and crew fly out)
SIPHER : It's like some freakazoid pinata!
[For those who don't know, a pinata is a paper-mach'e figure filled with
candy. Pinatas are used as children's entertainment at parties, where
blindfolded kids take turns trying to hit the pinata, so they can break it
and make the candies spill out.]
(Back on the flagship, Perceptor shoves his way to a telescope.)
SIPHER : Gimme a quarter!
PHIL : Dude, you turn INTO one of those!
DOUG : No, he's a MICROscope.
PHIL : He pulled that telescope shtick before, he can pull it again.
[If you missed it, Perceptor did the telescope trick in "Transformers: The
Movie"]
PERCEPTOR : Identification positive! Rescue teams, stand by.
ALL : RESCUE ROY!!!
["Rescue Roy" is a toy fire truck that transforms into a robot, sold by
Tonka as part of their "1-2-3 Transformers" for younger children]
(Quint hideout)
QUINT 1 : A complication?
QUINT 2 : Ninety-six percent probability this discovery will only
confuse the Autobots more.
DOUG : Mid-afternoon SHOWERS confuse Autobots.
QUINT 3 : And our defenses will still force them toward the
detonator.
(A viewscreen shows a simulation of the Autobot fleet moving towards
the trap.)
QUINT 1 : And once they are in range...
(The simulatio nshows a tremendous explosion)
QUINT 1 : ... there can be no escape.
(Sigil scene change)
WHEELIE : ??? Rodimus is alive!
HOT ROD : I don't care how... turn this ship around. I'm goin'
Optimus-hunting.
SIPHER : (Elmer Fudd chuckle)
SPRINGER : The blast doors to the command center are locked!
(Hot Rod breaks through the doors)
SIPHER : Brawn Rod!
[A reference to a scene from one of the original Transformers episodes,
"The Ultimate Doom", where the Autobot Brawn effortlessly barges through a
locked door]
HOT ROD : Optimus? Front and center.
OPTIMUS PRIME : I've been waiting.
HOT ROD : I - I'm taking command.
OPTIMUS PRIME : What... took... you so long? (Groans) What... did
they... do to me?
(Flashback scene wave)
ALL : Doodlydoot! Doodlydoot! Doodlydoot!
[Brazenly lifted from "Wayne's World"]
(Optimus lays on a table, with several Quints working on his body)
QUINT 1 : And some lingering remnants of his memory, and personality.
SIPHER : THAT was hard to find.
(Doug snickers)
QUINT 2 : But without our circuit implants, he would be utterly
mindless, an ordinary machine.
QUINT 3 : A robotic zombie.
DOUG : Resistor Evil 3: Code Optimus.
[A variation of Capcom's "Resident Evil" horror-survival video games]
(Flashback ends)
(Optimus yells out in pain)
HOT ROD : You're very sick. Let me help.
OPTIMUS : I... have to... ARRRRHHHH!!!
PHIL : Have a seizure!
(Optimus shoots at Hot Rod. Smoke fills the room)
HOT ROD : I don't wanna fight you!
OPTIMUS : Then... stop me!
HOT ROD : How? What do I do?
ALL : FIGHT HIM, DINK!
OPTIMUS : PLEASE, Rodimus!
(Optimus fires at shadows in the smoke...)
(Hot Rod yells in pain)
OPTIMUS : NO! NO!
(Optimus looks around... and Hot Rod leaps out from behind him.)
HOT ROD : Ha-ha! Fooled you!
PHIL : I replaced your regular coffee with Folger's crystals!
[A reference to the Folgers' "secret camera" commercials]
OPTIMUS : Not again! Matrix makes me too strong!
SIPHER : No beer and Matrix make Optimus GO CRAZY!
[Spoofing "No TV and no beer make Homer go crazy," a line from THE SIMPSONS'
parody of "The Shining" in "Treehouse of Horror V"]
HOT ROD : Now THERE's a unique complaint! URG!
(Optimus gets Hot Rod in a hold)
OPTIMUS : Uhn! If you lose... Autobots all destroyed!
DOUG : Is that a Full or Half Nelson?
PHIL : A Judd Nelson, actually.
SIPHER : Die.
["Full nelson" and "half nelson" are wrestling holds. Judd Nelson did the
voice of Hot Rod in "Transformers: The Movie".]
(Hot Rod breaks free, and throws Optimus against a wall. Prime's left
arm is torn free as he hits)
HOT ROD : Thanks for the tip. Optimus, can we stop now?
(Optimus yells and lunges, catching Hot Rod and knocking him down)
OPTIMUS : You... should... have FINISHED ME!!!
HOT ROD : Believe me, I tried.
(Optimus points his cannon at Hot Rod)
ALL : (Beast Wars-style nervous intake of breath)
(Suddenly, light shines through Optimus' chest... the Matrix)
OPTIMUS PRIME : Until all... are... one.... Monsters. They made me
their weapon, to destroy the very ones I loved in life.
DOUG : And you. Heh. But I kid.
(Optimus takes out the Matrix and puts it into Hot Rod's chest)
OPTIMUS : But YOU will save them, Rodimus... Prime.
(Optimus walks away)
DOUG : I gotta go to the can.
SIPHER : Augh. AGAIN.
(Arcee, Magnus, Kup and Spike rush in)
ARCEE : Rodimus!
MAGNUS : Thank the stars we found you in time!
SIPHER : Yeah, it took FOREVER to search THAT ONE HALLWAY!!! Jeez.
RODIMUS : Optimus!
KUP : The ship's bein' blown to pieces! We're evacuatin'!
(sigil scene shift)
(Optimus sits at the flagship's main controls)
OPTIMUS : Optimus Prime to Autobot fleet: return to Cybertron. That
is my final command.
DOUG : (Serpentor voice) THIS I COMMAND!
[Serpentor was the genetically-created leader of the Cobra terrorist group
from the G.I. JOE cartoon show.]
(The fleet turns around)
(Quint hideout...)
QUINT 1 : What?
QUINT 2 : The Autobot fleet is escaping!
PHIL : The elaborate trap had one minor flaw... the fleet could just TURN
AROUND to escape.
QUINT 1 : Direct all firepower on the flagship! Obliterate it!!
(The cannons let loose, blowing huge holes in the flagship)
QUINT 1 : It's not stopping!
QUINT 2 : No Autobot could survive that!
(Inside the flagship, Optimus Prime sits in the middle of a fiery
blaze, torn to bits. Close-up, we see half his face has been blown
off)
DOUG : Foam side, napalm side.
[From the old Denerex shampoo commercials where people would wash one side
of their head with Brand X shampoo, the other the side that foams and
tingles, which tells you it's working. Or dissolving your scalp.]
(The flagship crashes into the detonator asteroid, and the suns go
nova, atomizing everything nearby)
PHIL : Ka-flooey.
[In the live version, Phil substituted "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA boom", from
TigerDeathy's absolutely gods-awful "Ravage 3 Bodies Evolution" fanfic.
It's classic awful.]
KUP : Goodbye, old friend.
(Spike and Arcee comfort a crying Daniel)
MAGNUS : This nova will be his memorial.
SIPHER : And it's pre-blown-up, so that saves a step!
RODIMUS : I don't know if I'll ever be the leader that you were, but
for sure, I'm gonna try.
PHIL : (Janice voice) Fer SURRRRRRELY.
[From Jim Henson's Muppets.]
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights on, stop tape)
***************************************************************************
SKIT 3 : WAR FORK AND A CONTEMPT FOR PRANCING PONY PIRATES
***************************************************************************
PHIL : Ladies and gentlemen, last year we ran a Question and Answer
segment. Well, it went so well we decided to do it again.
DOUG : Mostly because it means less actual writing.
SIPHER : Damn skippy.
PHIL : But we realized that even we may not have all the answers that hang
on the pouty lips of you, our audience. So, after much preparation,
we decided to enlist the help of an expert.
SIPHER : Yes, a statesman, an essayist, a visionary. Those who read the
newsgroup alt.toys.transformers should be well aware of this
person's contributions to the fandom and vast repotiore of knowledge.
We are, of course, referring to... Trypticon_X.
(Wait for reaction, praying there IS one.)
OFFSTAGE : THAT idiot?!
DOUG : What else can we say that hasn't been said already? We've got him
online now, we'll type in your questions and wait for his brilliant
respsonses.
(Phil & Doug go into the audience to take questions back-and-forth, Sipher
stays on-stage to type in the questions and relay Trypticon_X's answers.)
SIPHER : Okay, Tryppy, I have a question for you. "What do you think about
this whole skit?"
(Trypticon_X's answer)
ALL : (reverently) Whoah.
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights off, start tape)
***************************************************************************
EPISODE 3 : BEAST WARS - CUTTING EDGE
***************************************************************************
(Camera moves over a forest)
DOUG : So where's David Attenborough?
[Attenborough was the host of a series of nature shows sponsored by the
Mutual of Omaha Insurance company, in the days before cable TV]
(A group of early humans are travelling through the forest. The
leader carries a large stone axe.)
PHIL : It's Grog Witwicky!
[A riff on Spike Witwicky, the Autobots' human friend in the original
Transformers cartoons]
(Something watches them in the woods...)
SIPHER : (singing but creeped out) Over the river and... through the
woods...
(A young girl picks up a flower and throws petals at what is
presumably her brother.)
PHIL : Oh no. KIDS.
(And older human stops to look at the falling petals... and we see
the view of something as it charges at him)
SIPHER : (quickly as the thing charges) Hello sir would you like to try our
new fragrance!
(The leader turns around... the old one is gone, and something
growls. He grunts out a warning and the others run away. He back up,
watching...)
DOUG : Charlie was close. I could smell him.
[A generic Vietnam war reference. "Charlie" was combat lingo for the Viet
Cong soldiers.]
(A grey velociraptor with cyborg bits comes out of the bush)
PHIL : Jurassic Park 4: Judgement Day!
[Crossing "Jurassic Park" and "The Terminator" movies]
(The leader turns and runs, the dino gives chase)
SIPHER : Actually, this is cooler than Jurassic Park 2 was.
DOUG : Yeah. More realistic.
(The 'raptor fires beams from its eyes, missing its prey)
DOUG : Oh, I see, they're playing Laser Tag.
[Laser Tag is a series of toy light guns and badges that allow players to
hunt and "shoot" each other]
(A tree catches fire...)
SIPHER : MOSES!
[He should have said "Jesus!", but since Jesus hasn't been born yet on
prehistoric Earth, he has to use "Moses!" instead...]
(The dino looks for the missing anthropoid...)
DOUG : (dino voice) Ugh was close. I could smell him.
[Return of the generic Vietnam reference]
(The two children are hiding under a tree's roots... teeth
chatttering)
SIPHER : I DO believe in spooks I DO believe in spooks...
(The raptor lunges, but can't quite reach them. The girl crawls out
the other side and screams right into the camera)
PHIL : Ow, THERE'S a face I'll be seeing in my nightmares.
(Optimus Primal (jet mode) and Silverbolt come out from over a hill)
OPTIMUS : Protect those children!
SIPHER : Call Rescue Roy!
ALL : RESCUE ROY!!! WHOOOOO!!!
[Another Rescue Roy reference]
(Silverbolt fires two wing-missiles but misses. The raptor retaliates
with an eye-beam that's dead on target. Silverbolt goes crashing into
the woods)
PHIL : Not much meat on a Fuzor, but you cook 'em right and them's GOOOOD
eatin'.
[Gerneic Southern Redneck hunting-and-cooking dialogue]
(Optimus fires a balst that sends the raptor flying against a rock...
which unbalances another rock right above...)
DOUG : Here we go...
(The rock falls and flattens the raptor)
DOUG : Yeah.
SIPHER : Squoosh.
PHIL : Always a classic.
[For those who don't know, characters crushed by falling rocks is a recurring
Beast Wars gag]
(Silverbolt comes out of the brush clutching his arm. Optimus
transforms to robot mode and lands. The two children look up in awe)
SIPHER : Ooooh, mommy, buy me THAT toy!
(Back at the Maximal base, a hologram of the cyber-raptor comes up)
PHIL : The raptor is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes.
[Another "Star Wars" reference, this time as the Rebel pilots are being
briefed on the Death Star's defenses]
RHINOX : Hm. Metallurgical analysis shows the component parts are
made of Cybertronian alloys.
OPTIMUS : So... Megatron's behind this.
DOUG : No, the cavemen are building cyber-raptors. Who did you THINK?!
RHINOX : ... and fusing them with Transmetal technology... with
possibly others.
OPTIMUS : Which means... we could have trouble.
(Rattrap walks down a corridor)
SIPHER : (singing quietly to himself) Do you belive in life after lo- (as
Rattrap hears the door opening next to him) Huh?
[Sipher's singing a horrible Cher song. Of course, that may be redundant...]
(He runs around the corner and peeks out... to see Blackarachnia
exit, carrying a canister. She looks around, then stalks off.)
(The cave-kids come running around the corner.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Hey, watch where you're...
(The canister falls from her claw. Rattrap watches as it rolls and
one end opens up... a small tape reel rolls to the floor)
PHIL : She's stealing all the Thin Mints!
[Thin Mints are small chocolate-coated mint candies]
(Cheetor comes running around the corner, accidently grabbing her)
CHEETOR : Whoah! Uh... hi.
DOUG : Hyper teenagers groping clumsily at uninterested women... sounds
like BotCon to me!
[Sipher regrets after the fact that this wasn't "groping clumsily at Venus
Terzo," as it would have worked better. Terzo voiced Blackarachnia, she IS a
very attractive woman, and fanboys are lonely losers...]
CHEETOR : Sorry. They're just here until we can find... their...
(Cheezy romantic music plays)
SIPHER : Oh no.
(The music cuts off like someone took the needle off the record.
Cheetor snaps out of it.)
CHEETOR : Tribe.
PHIL : Called Quest.
["A Tribe Called Quest" is a rap music group]
BLACKARACHNIA : Let GO of me.
(She shoves him away)
SIPHER : Oh yeah. DEFINITLEY BotCon.
CHEETOR : This was my fault, so uh, lemme help.
(Blackarachnia kneels down to pick up the tape reel as Rattrap
spies.)
SIPHER : (Rattrap) Ey, that's my copy of Negativland's U2 single!
[A parody of U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" was created by
noise-group Negativland, and was lawsuited bigtime, back before parody was
protected by the Supreme Court. Copies of the single were very VERY hard to
come by afterward, usually bootlegged onto vinyl.]
(The children are now in the control room. The boy sits down on one
of the chairs. His sister pushes a button on the arm rest, starting
it spinning.
DOUG : I had one of those as a kid. Still use it to this day.
OPTIMUS : Someone needs to escort the children back to their tribe.
Blackarachnia?
PHIL : Find someone for me.
BLACKARACHNIA : Me? Ugh. Give the job to someone who can fly.
DOUG : I'll get Peter Pan on the horn.
[Peter Pan takes lost children, see?]
RHINOX : Hmm. Our sensors won't register organics properly. Not much
chance of locating the tribe from the air.
OPTIMUS : The children will have to lead the way... on foot.
SIPHER : (Singing) ROBOTS OBEY WHAT THE CHILDREN SAY!
[They Might Be Giants one more time, with "Robot Parade"]
BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh. Make my day.
DOUG : PUNK.
[Clint Eastwood's famous line from "Dirty Harry"]
OPTIMUS : A dangerous one, but necessary.
(Optimus lifts his right hand. The girl is swinging back and forth on
his index finger.)
OPTIMUS : The cyber-raptors are Megatron's handiwork, and you know
Megatron better than anyone.
RATTRAP : Everything is little eight-legged lieutenant?
OPTIMUS : Rattrap... be quiet.
BLACKARACHNIA : Terrific. Me and the junior forest rangers.
DOUG : Hey, better than the Galaxy Rangers. Yeeg
[Isn't that one of the versions of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?]
(The spinning chair stops and the boy stumbles out, dizzy.)
SILVERBOLT : I'll accompany her.
PHIL : Must kill my LONELY!
[Transformers fan Hooper_X uses "Please kill my lonely!" as a catchphrase]
OPTIMUS : Negative. You've sustained damage. And besides, I want
Blackarachnia's FULL attention on the job at hand.
CHEETOR : I'll go with her!
SIPHER : Must kill *MY* LONELY!
(Silverbolt's frowns.)
OPTIMUS : Agreed.
DOUG : (Nelson) Ha-ha!
[Another riff from "The Simpsons"]
(Blackie shakes her head and stalks off. Silverbolt glares at
Cheetor. Cheetor half-glares back.)
OPTIMUS : The rest of us will stay here.
SIPHER : And clean up the MESS. What did those kids EAT?!
(Silverbolt fumes...)
(Outside shot. Cheetor, BA, and the two children walk out of the
base's front door. Pan over to see a camera tracking them. Rhinox
sits at a console with the group walking past in his display.)
RHINOX : Is it just me, or is our boy looking particularly bushy-
tailed today?
PHIL : Perv.
RATTRAP : Eh, it's the web lady I'm wonderin' about. Call me
paranoid...
DOUG : And Paranoid, you can call me Al!
[Sorta from "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon]
Rattrap : ... but I don't trust Preds. I don't trust spiders. And I
don't trust dames who sneak in and out of classified areas when
they think nobody's watchin.
RHINOX : What're you saying?
PHIL : Will you marry me?
RATTRAP : ... that our little spider-chum... (Rattrap turns in his
chair as Silverbolt enters the room) is a credit to her web-
spinning species, and I don't know WHAT we ever did without
her.
SIPHER : We took less cold showers, for one.
(Back in the wild, the boy step up beside Cheetor, pointing and
grunting)
CHEETOR : That way, huh?
DOUG : It's like a Dada-esque version of "Lassie".
[Dadaism was a movement among European artists and writers that attacked
conventional standards of behavior and stressed absurdity and unpredictable
results in in artistic creations]
(The girl tugs at Blackarachnia's leg)
BLACKARACHNIA : Don't bug me kid, your forehead slopes.
(Overhead, Megatron's spycam is watching)
MEGATRON : (chuckles) Yes. Very good. They prey's in the field, so
let the hunt begin! (Laughs)
(The camera zooms in on Megatron's mouth to blackout.)
SIPHER : Crest! Crest!
[Crest is a brand of toothpaste]
(Cheetor, in beast mode, flies around with the boy on his back.)
CHEETOR : Ready? Hang on!
(He accelerates, and the two whoop it up.)
(Back o nthe ground, Blackie shakes her head.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Guys. They're only young once, but they can act
juvenile forever.
SIPHER : That's MY plan.
DOUG & PHIL : SAME.
(The girl is playing with half of a hollowed-out coconut husk. BA
taps at her tricorder-like device.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Hmm. I can't get a reading.
(The girl puts the coconut husk on her head like a helmet.
Blackarachnia bangs the side of her scanner.)
PHIL : Last time I buy from Radio Shack...
[Radio Shack is a chain of technology/electronic stores in America most
infamous for their low-budget equipment and lackluster quality]
(The girl mimicks her actions)
DOUG : Wow. Literal monkey-see-monkey-do.
(Blackie looks down at the girl, who smiles at her.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh.
(Cheetor lands and chuckles)
Cheetor: Totally cute! She wants to be you!
PHIL : Not without extensive surgery.
(Black gets down face-to-face with the girl.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Let's get this straight, okay? I'm a black widow
spider. I don't make friends, I can't stand kids...
DOUG : Good, because a spider-wolf-eagle Fuzor would be REALLY disturbing.
BLACKARACHNIA : This is pointless. How do you squelch someone who
communicates in cave paintings?
SIPHER : It's like posting to ATT.
[alt.toys.transformers, the original and noisy Usenet discussion group]
(Cheetor transforms to robot mode.)
CHEETOR : She just thinks you're kinda cool. And... you know what?
BLACKARACHNIA : Don't. Even. Start.
DOUG : If they'd had him neutered there wouldn't BE this trouble.
[To "neuter" a cat is to remove its reproductive organs...]
(Overhead, a raptor watches them from atop a cliff. On BA's scanner,
a red bull's-eye on its display blinks)
PHIL : There's a Target nearby! They have Beast Machines on discount!
[The Target chain of stores features, obviously, a red "target" as their
company symbol. And they DID have a massive clearance of Beast Machines
toys a while back.]
(Black looks at the scanner. The raptor's POV as it leaps down at
them)
BLACKARACHNIA : Look out!!
SIPHER : A point-of-view shot!
ALL : (panic)
(The dive away from the raptor. Cheetor grabs the kids and leaps to a
branch on a dead tree.)
DOUG : Oh, GREAT, call the fire department...
(Blackarachnia pulls out her crossbow and fires. The raptor takes a
few shots, but fires its lasers. BA ducks behind a boulder.)
CHEETOR : You like this little maneuver?
(Cheetor uses the branch as a springboard, flipping over and firing
at the raptor on his way down. The blast connects, knocking it over.
But as it falls, it fires its lasers, striking Cheetor in mid-air)
PHIL : Heh. Yeah, that little maneuver WAS pretty funny.
(Blackie shakes her head.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Two choices... One, bail out of here like any self-
respecting spider, or Two...
(She looks up to the children cowereing on the tree branch.)
BLACKARACHNIA : ... play Little Miss Hero like some sort of pathetic
warm-blood.
BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh. Sometimes I disgust myself.
DOUG : Wait until Beast Machines, honey.
[Sad but true]
(She turns and fires her machineguns at the raptor, nailing it
repeatedly. She stops firing, and transforms to spider mode, then
leaps up, grabbing the kids off the branch then over the side of the
cliff.)
(BA drops lower, hanging from webbing. She drops the kids a few feet
from the ground.)
SIPHER : Signed,
PHIL : Sealed,
DOUG : And delivered.
(BA lands in front of Cheetor and reverts to robot mode. The raptor
peers over the edge of the cliff. It gives up.)
SIPHER : Well, they were probably sour anyway.
[A reference to an old Aesop fable about the fox and the grapes. After the
fox repeatedly tries and fails to snatch a bunch of grapes overhead, he
dismisses them by saying they were probably sour and not worth eating
anyway.]
BLACKARACHNIA : Here's the plan. You fly the brats back to base, then
come and get me.
PHIL : Bring a Hefty bag.
CHEETOR : Not gonna work. I can't fly. My jet got damaged in the
fall.
BLACKARACHNIA : Oh, GREAT. I get stuck with the one cat in the world
who lands on his HEAD.
DOUG : At least there's plenty of cushioning there.
(Cheetor tries to use an arm-radio.)
CHEETOR : Cheetor to Optimus. We've got a problem here.
SIPHER : My pickup lines are failing!
(Blackarachnia tries her radio.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Blackarachnia to anyone. Come in! Someone's jamming
our signals!
DOUG : "Radio Free Cybertron" my butt.
["Radio Free Cybertron" is a Transformers-themed internet "radio" show
produced by Brian Kilby]
(We see the group from overhead... something is watching them, and
transmitting the image to Megatron inside his base.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Three guesses who that would be.
SIPHER : Jim J. Bullock.
PHIL : Harvey Keitel.
DOUG : And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
(In the Predacon base)
INFERNO : The traitoress can now be destroyed, royalty! (Laughs) And
the cat as well!
MEGATRON : Yess. But not too quickly, for I have a greater plan
in mind. Waspinator, Tarantulas, to your mission!
TARANTULAS : With pleasure, Megatron! A chance to field-test an
amusing little device I developed!
(Zoom in on a gun in Tarantulas' hands.)
SIPHER : (Tarantulas voice) A Super-Soaker!
DOUG : Soaking wet Blackarachnia.
PHIL : THERE'S some poor schmuck's fantasy.
["Super Soakers" are ultra-powerful squirt guns with extra-large water
barrels]
(Megatron gestures towards some raptors on another hover-pad.)
Megatron : And a few companions, to amuse you further!
DOUG : Gee, dad, pets? You're swell!
MEGATRON : CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!!!
PHIL : The dogs' slips are showing!
(Inside Maximal base. Several Maximals wander around the command
table.)
OPTIMUS : Cheetor, Blackarachnia, do you read me?
(Static.)
SILVERBOLT : Something has gone wrong! She is in danger, I... I can
feel it!
DOUG : His Spidey-Sense is tingling!
SIPHER : That's not ALL that's tingling.
[The Marvel Comics super-hero Spider-Man uses "spider-sense" to know when
he's under attack from an unseen threat]
RATTRAP : Eh, maybe the two of 'em just decided to take a little
break! (chuckles lewdly)
SILVERBOLT : (pissed) If that innuendo were not beneath my contempt,
RODENT, you would be required to give satisfaction!
PHIL : I thought that was Bootierachnia's job.
SIPHER : G'night everybody!
RATTRAP : (To Rhinox) Eh, I forget. Did he talk like this before, or
did fallin' in love do somethin' to his circuits?
OPTIMUS : I don't like this either. I'm gonna fly out and have a look
around.
SILVERBOLT : I'm coming with you!
OPTIMUS : I can handle it, Silverbolt.
SIPHER : Cram it, bird-dog.
SILVERBOLT : If my lady is in danger, then my place is at her side!
OPTIMUS : (pause, then a sigh) As you wish.
DOUG : Ah, so he ws Carey Elwes all along!
[In the movie "The Princess Bride," the farmboy Westley uses the phrase "as
you wish" in response to all of the commands he receives from Princess
Buttercup. Westley was played by Carey Elwes.]
OPTIMUS : (To Rattrap & Rhinox) You two stay here. And double-check
the defenses.
(Optimus and Silverbolt transform and take to the air.)
RATTRAP : Eh, typical. Who gets stuck with all the work? The RAT gets
stuck with all the work. While everyone ELSE goes on a
slaggin' picnic.
(He throws a tool to the ground in disgust.)
SIPHER : (Rattrap) Eh, take this job and...
["Take This Job and Shove It" was a popular '80s song that was made into a
dismal movie]
(Outside the base, Optimus and Silverbolt fly off. However, Megatron,
Inferno, Rampage and Quickstrike, all in beast mode, are waiting not
too far away.)
MEGATRON : Ah, exactly as I anticipated... the base is undermanned
and unprotected... ours for the asking.
QUICKSTRIKE: Aww, now, we ain't gonna ASK, are we? How's about we
just BLAST our way in there, *SLAG* EVERYBODY *AND TAKE IT!!!*
SIPHER : NOBODY TOUCHES PETE'S PIECE!!!
["Pete" is Pete Hutter, a villian from "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.,"
a television parody of contemporary American westerns. Quickstrike is very
much like Pete, a really really insane cowboy.]
MEGATRON : (thinks) Hmmm. Okay!
(They all laugh)
ALL : (snickers)
MEGATRON : Predacons, TERRORIZE!!!
(Megatron, Inferno and Quickstrike transform to robot mode. Rampage
transforms to tank mode and rolls forward, also being used as the
scene transition device.)
(Cheetor, Blackarachnia, and the children walk through a field of
boulders on a plain. One of the children grunts.)
CHEETOR : That's where you live, is it?
PHIL : Not bad. It got a pool? What's the damage deposit?
(The girl slowly turns around... and screams. A group of raptors run
along the canyon behind the Maximals, with Waspinator flying overhead
and Tarantulas advancing in cycle mode.)
ALL : TARRRRRRRRRANTUALLLLLLLAS!!!!
[Again from DeathyTigertron's "Ravage 3 Bodies Evolution". The guy has
such horrible spelling. #wiigii! just took "Tarantualas" and made it
into TARRRRRRANTAULLLLLLLAS!!!]
(Tarantulas and the velociraptors fire. The Maximalsuse the boulders
as cover, though the children peek out from behind them.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Stay down!
(BA stands up, turns around, and fires her machineguns. Cheetor also
fires back. Waspinator fires at Cheetor... a zoom-in on Cheetor as
the missile strikes.)
SIPHER : (Waspy) Waspinator wins stuffed pony!
[Many carnival games reward players with stuffed anuimals if they can hit
their targets]
(Blackie fires her crossbow at Waspinator, who dodges and flies off.
Black check on the kids, then turns to see two raptor advancing on
the fallen Cheetor... but shot rain down, scattering the dinos.)
PHIL : DEATH FROM ABOVE!
[Semi-generic war cry, though in this instance it's probably a reference to
Max, the psychotic rabbity-thing from Steve Purcell's "Sam and Max" comic
strips]
(Silverbolt and Optimus fly overhead)
SILVERBOLT : Hang on, my soul's delight!!
(The raptor gets hit and is thrown back, as Optimus transforms and
lands beside Cheetor.)
OPTIMUS : Cheetor!
CHEETOR : Big Bot! Are you a sight for sore eyes!
PHIL : That orange hurts my retinas!
(Optimus reaches down to help Cheetor up... and we get a missile's
POV as it homes in Oppy's rear end. Optimus REACTS as he arrow finds
its mark.)
SIPHER : (Velvet Jones voice) I got "Shot in de Butt By Love!"
[Referring to Eddie Murphy's character on Saturday Night Live, and NOT the
musician of the same name]
(Optimus' arms flail around.)
CHEETOR : What is it?
DOUG : He's doing the Froog!
[From the dance of the same pronounciation, "Frug"]
(Shot of the arrow sticking out of Optimus' rear, then a pan around
to his front. Pink sparks dance across his body.)
OPTIMUS : (Struggling to speak) Uh, some... sort of... Transmetal...
(he yells in pain, and falls to his knees) Cybervenom...
(He falls down fully, face-first.)
(Tarantulas laughs like a madman, with some odd gyrations.)
PHIL : (singing) Now it's the pelvic thrust...
[Lyrics from "Let's Do the Time Warp Again," from the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE
SHOW]
(The Maximal base entrance. The Preds approach. Megatron fires,
destroying an external camera)
DOUG : We're fine, we're all fine here, everything's fine. How are you?
[The best line in the entire Star Wars trilogy, when Han Solo does a really
horrible job of trying to bluff his way over the Death Star's radio after
they shoot the hell out of the prison block. His grimace after he says that
is PRICELESS.]
(Inferno laughs as he blasts another camera. Quickstrike fires,
destroying a gun emplacement.)
SIPHER : (Pete) COME ON OUT, BRISCO!
[Another Pete reference from "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr."]
(Rampage rams the door.)
(Inside, Rhinox stumbles as the base shakes. Rattrap falls over)
RATTRAP : Oof! Oh man, looks like we got company!
DOUG : And my silk dress is still at the cleaners!
(The Preds fire at all once. The front door is blown open. Megatron
runs up to the side and peers in. Inferno follows suit on the
opposite side.)
MEGATRON : Quickstrike, you may lead.
QUICKSTRIKE : YEAH, that's what I like ta hear!
(He runs in)
INFERNO : Royalty, why was I not chosen?
PHIL : Low SATs?
[In America, students applying for college must submit their Scholastic
Aptitude Test scores, which measures their knowledge of English and
mathematics]
MEGATRON : Because, Inferno, when expecting boobytraps...
(Quickstrike strides through thr entrance. One of the walls slides
closer to him, while a giant metal fist slams into him, throwing him
against the advancing wall.
MEGATRON : ... always send the boob in first.
(Quickstrike groans as stars float around his head with tweety bird
noises.)
SIPHER : Look! Stars! Ready when you are, Raoul!
[From "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"]
(Inside, Rhinox taps at a computer console)
RHINOX : Auto-guns online!
PHIL : If you gotta turn them on manually, then they're not really auto-
guns, are they?
(An internal gun emplacement powers up. Rhinox runs through the base,
whipping out his Badass Chainguns of Doom)
ALL : THE GUNS! THE GUNS!
(Rhinox joins Rattrap, hunkered down behind some crates)
RATTRAP : It looks like we're gonna get a little slaggin' in after
all!
(The Predacons entering the base. Megatron fires two shots.)
RHINOX : Looks like we don't have a choice!
SIPHER : Suffocate, or smo- no, wait, wrong episode.
[See "Dark Awakening," earlier]
(Rhinox and Rattrap spin around and fire. The Preds find cover and
return fire.)
(Back in the feild, the raptors run from boudler to boulder, firing
lasers. Cheetor fires back from behind a boulder while Blackarachnia
is using the prone Optimus as cover.)
SIPHER : If anything, she's pragmatic in her choice of cover.
(Tarantulas creeps from boulder to boulder. He leaps into the air and
lands on one. He fires, destroying some boulders and revealing the
children.)
TARANTULAS : Well, look at this! A pair of pint-sized knuckle-
draggers!
DOUG : Bite-sized for easy snacking!
(Tarantulas aims, the kids cower... he fires, but Blackarachnia jumps
in, taking the shot)
SILVERBOLT : NOOOOOO!!!
PHIL : She's a big girl, she's had worse, ya puss.
(Silverbolt fires, but Tarantulas jumps out of the way. Silverbolt
leaps to BA's side.)
SILVERBOLT : Oh, art of my heart, I saw... you were ready to
sacrifice yourself!
BLACKARACHNIA : Ugh, it was an accident, okay? I slipped.
ALL : (Bill Cosby Noah) RIIIIGHT.
[From Bill Cosby's "Noah" routine, where God instructs Noah on how to build
an ark, and Noah skeptically replies "riiiiiiiight" to each demand]
RATTRAP : (over Optimus' radio) Rattrap to Optimus!
(Back in the base, Rhinox and Rattrap are retreating for better
cover.)
RATTRAP : Hate to interrupt your picnic, but we got BIG Pred
problems!
PHIL : Look, I BOUGHT you those ant traps!
[Inferno is a big Predacon, so naturally ant traps SHOULD be enough to stop
him, right? Right?]
OPTIMUS : (Groans, straining with the virus) Just hang on, Rattrap.
You and Rhinox are our last hope.
SIPHER : (Yoda) No, there is another...
[Yet another "Star Wars" reference]
(Optimus shudders, then his head swells up to double-size)
OPTIMUS : (singing) There he is, my little guy!
(Back at base, Rattrap hears this over his radio.)
OPTIMUS : There he is, myyyy little guyyyyyy! Isn't he cute?
RATTRAP : That's...not what I wanted to hear.
PHIL : I dunno, that was pretty catchy!
SIPHER : (Sinatra) Ther he is, my swingin' guy...
[That's Frank Sinatra, ol' blue-eyes himself, for all of you culturally
insensitive folks out there]
RATTRAP : Uh-oh!
(Rhinox turns and fires. Rattrap ducks as Rhinox is blasted backward
by Pred fire)
RATRRAP : (defeated) Oh, boy!
(In the field, Cheetor takes another hit. The children peek up from
behind a boulder as he lands.)
DOUG : It's raining mechs! Halleluja!
[From "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls]
(The children yelp, seeing one of the raptors advancing on the prone
Optimus. One of the kids points offscreen...)
(Suddenly, the elder caveman appears, war-club in hand and yelling)
SIPHER : (Movie trailer) Grog's back, and he's pissed!
[Generic action-movie sequel trailer comment]
(The elder leaps onto the raptor's back. He uses his club to smash a
device on the raptor's back. It shrieks and bucks, sparking)
PHIL : Urban Caveman!
[A riff on the movie "Urban Cowboy," specifically the mechanical
bull-riding scene]
(Wapsinator accidentally gets in the way of the spasming raptor,
ending up underfoot and repeatedly trampled)
WASPINATOR: NO! DOWN RAPTOR! BAD RAPTOR!
DOUG : Dino, down boy!
[From Fred Flintstone, of "The Flintstones"]
(The raptor explodes.)
OPTIMUS : That's it! Attack the cybercontrol! That's where they're
vulnerable!
SIPHER : Just like a MegaMan game!
DOUG : EVERY year...
SIPHER : Okay, mister toilet-joke.
[Needless to say, Sipher is a big fan of Capcom's MegaMan video games...]
(Another raptor approaches Cheetor and the kids. BA shoots her
crossbow, striking the same section on the other raptor's back. It jumps
around wildly, backwards, slamming into Tarantulas, then
exploding)
(Waspinator lies in a crumpled, twitching heap on the ground)
WASPINATOR : Megatron... Waspinator report... failure.
SIPHER : (Waspy)
(Back at the Maximal base)
MEGATRON : RRGH, worthless bug! Inferno, Rampage, prepare to take
hostages! The Ark is ours!
(Suddenly, Megatron gets shot in the back.)
(Depth Charge in jet mode flies in. He transforms to robot mode and
throws his javelin, blowing up the cover Inferno was using. He
shudders.)
PHIL : I thought pain was his friend.
[Zinging back Inferno's famous quote "Fool! Pain is my friend! Let me introduce
you to it!", from the episode "Coming of the Fuzors"]
(Depth Charge fires two large rifles, spraying the area with blasts.
Inferno and Rampage take cover. Megatron fires, but DC blocks the
shot with his wings. Close up as he yells.)
DOUG : ADRIAAAAAN!
[See "Rocky"]
(DC continues his assault, and Megatro is forced back. Rattrap and
Rhinox join in, firing at the Preds.)
MEGATRON : Predacons, retreat!
SIPHER : Just like his namesake. (sniffles proudly)
(Megs transforms to flying t-rex mode and jets out. THe Maximals keep
firing as Inferno and Rampage follow their leader out. Depth Charge
turns to face the others once the Preds are gone.)
DEPTH CHARGE : Big Preds are my specialty.
DOUG : And tasty pizza.
[The Depth Charge toy launches plastic discs, which some fans affectionately
call his "pizza launcher"]
RHINOX : Not too shabby.
RATTRAP : Eh. Still smells like fish.
(Depth Charge frowns)
(Back in the field, a shot of a collapsed raptor. Silverbolt is
helping to repair a groaning, disoriented Optimus.)
SIPHER : Man, ya jest can't git th' parts fer these Optimuses anymore. He's
gonna have ta stay in the shop while they're on backorder.
(Cheetor watches the cavemen walk away. He smiles as the young girl
turns and waves at him. He waves back.)
(Behind him, BA extracts a circuit from the back of one of the
raptors.)
BLACKARACHNIA : Hmm. There'll be time for a good close look at
these... in private.
PHIL : More of Lith's Transformers porn-art.
[Yes, there's pornographic fan-art of Transformers. Don't be surprised.]
(BA stores the circuit on her somewhere.)
CHEETOR : (off-screen) Uh...
(She turns.)
CHEETOR : ...That was incredible!, the way you saved those kids'
lives...
BLACKARACHNIA : Are you bots gonna drop this sooner or later?
DOUG : Hey, we're HEROES. It's either this or be all dark and angsty.
CHEETOR : ...y'know, we made a pretty good team! Didn't we?
BLACKARACHNIA : Listen, tabby. You're a nice kid... (she sees
Silverbolt walking towards them)... which is two strikes
against you, so don't go lookin' for strike three, okay?
PHIL : THAT THREE STRIKE, CAT!
[From a heated argument on alt.toys.transformers a while back between two
prominant fan-artists... well, ONE of the sides was heated, and made the
"THAT THREE STRIKE" comment. It was really sad and pathetic, actually.]
(BA turns and walks towards Silverbolt.)
CHEETOR : (angry) I'm NOT a kid.
DOUG : (angry) I've been drinking milk.
[A parody on the Milk Council's "I drink milk" campaign]
(BA walks away with Silverbolt. Silverbolt looks back, then raises
his left wing-arm around her, blocking her from Cheetor's sight.)
PHIL : And Wolverine? Stay away from my girlfriend.
[Cyclops to Wolverine, from the "X-Men" movie]
CHEETOR : (snarling) And maybe I'm not so nice, either.
(Overhead view from another Megatron spycam of the collapsed raptor.
In the Pred base, Megatron holds a circuit board like the one BA
took.)
SIPHER : (Megatron voice) Those were some of my favorite pictures on that one!
MEGATRON : Ah, a near success. My Transmetal II technology works, but
it proves unstable without a Spark. However, as it happens...
(Megatron holds up the cage containing the piece of Rampage's Spark
that he had cut out several episodes back)
MEGATRON : ... I have half of one to spare! (laughs)
DOUG : (Laughing loudly, then) YOU'RE STUCK HERE!
OFFSTAGE: _*LIGHTS!!!*_
(House lights on, stop tape)
***************************************************************************
SKIT 4 : CYBERWOCKY
***************************************************************************
DOUG : You know, some have accused this presentation of being childish.
PHIL : Yes, sad to say. We thought long and hard about how to address-
(Doug & Sipher are snickering like Beavis & Butt-Head. "Long and hard" can be
heard whispered. They stop when Phil turns to them.)
PHIL : ... about how to properly address this matter.
SIPHER : I was all for a flaming bag of dog poopie on their doorsteps, but
that would involve too much travel time.
DOUG : Then there was the parade of "Yo Momma" jokes.
PHIL : Oh yeah. Those were good. "Yo momma's so fat..."
SIPHER : She put on a pair of BVD's and it spelled out "boulevard"!
(All three laugh like kids for a few seconds.)
DOUG : Okay, try this. "Yo momma's teeth are so yellow..."
PHIL : When she smiles, cars slow down!
(More juvenile laughter.)
PHIL : Heh. Hee. Well, anyway. Soon we hit upon playing up the cultural and
intellectual aspects of the program.
SIPHER : (loud whisper) He said "ass"! PHHHHHHHHBBBB!
PHIL : (struggling not to laugh) And so, with this in mind, and with the
fact that we'll be moving on to an episode of "Beast Machines" in a
few minutes, we're proud to present this piece of- (no pause at all)
DOUG : Crap.
PHIL : -poetry inspired by Lewis Carrol, entitled "Beast Machines
Cyberwocky". Lights?
(house lights dim a little, if possible.)
SIPHER : (To the snickers behind him, himself snickering) Shut up! Ahem.
'Twas Primal and the Maximals
Did fight and quarrel in the dirt;
All Sparkless were the robot shells,
Lifeless and inert.
"Beware the Megatron, Primal!
The Tankor drones, the cycle bots!
Beware the jet recycled from
Whom Blackarachnia has the hots!"
He took the Reformatted bod
Many false visions inside his head
Mixed Sigma Key and Plasma Energy,
A wolf appeared though Megs was dead.
But, soon the wolf-dragon turned out to be
The Megatron, new Generals at hand;
Obsidian and Strika, gee,
Could plot advancement be at hand?
Part One! Part Two! Two seasons flew
Swords flashed and buildings fell!
Maximal ranks were untouched by tanks
Though suspense was shot to hell.
"Hast though kacked the Megatron?
Mixed organic with technologie?
(pause to make a snarky face in recognition of the stretched rhyme)
Praise the Matrix, balance is restored!"
Though damned if we know why.
'Twas Primal and the Maximals
Did bitch and quarrel in the dirt;
All Sparkless were the robot shells,
Lifeless and inert.
(Sipher gives a small bow as the lights return to full)
PHIL : Fantastique, fantastique. See? We're pretty sophisticated, huh?
DOUG : Yeah. Too bad most folks in the audience didn't get that.
PHIL : You're assuming--
SIPHER : (loud snickers, whipsering) You said "ass"!
PHIL : --they get any of our other jokes.
DOUG : I don't assume anything.
SIPHER : (still snickering. stage whisper) You said "ass" again!
PHIL : (snickering, composes himself) Hey, if the audience doesn't get our
jokes, then whoop-de-doo.
DOUG : "Whoop-de-doo-doo"?
SIPHER : Dooooodie!
(All three break out in juvenile laughter)
OFFSTAGE: LOOK, STOP IT, OKAY?! _*LIGHTS!!!*_
ALL : Awwww!!!
(House lights off, start tape)
***************************************************************************
EPISODE 4 : BEAST MACHINES - WOLF IN THE FOLD
***************************************************************************
(The Big Giant Megatron Head floats over Cybertron. Large mechanical
tentacles shoot out from the bottom, smashing through layers of the
city)
SIPHER : Oh, man, not Legend of the Overfiend...
["Legend of the Overfiend" is a Japanese animated cartoon infamous for its
graphic violence and lewd acts with tentacles. It's definitely not for
kids...]
(Shot of a tunnelling tendril)
DOUG : (Gesture Professor) Down, down...
[A reference to the MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 episode, "The Mole People,"
where Mike Nelson imitates a goofy-looking professor from the movie and
teaches hand gestures]
(Underground, the Maximals react the the shaking)
RATTRAP : What in the name of gouda was THAT all about?!
OPTIMUS : Maximals! Topside! NOW!
(Back above ground)
PHIL : When he says "now", he ain't kidding!
(As the Maximals run through the tunnels, green lights line it,
pulsing along the corridor)
NIGHTSCREAM : What's up with the light show?
OPTIMUS : Megatron, no doubt.
DOUG : Probably, since he is one of the only other living things on the
damn planet...
(Camera moves back to Silverbolt, then to his feet... the scene
shifts to slo-mo as he steps on one of the pulses, which envelopes
his body in energy)
SIPHER : He never learned that you don't step on the cracks on the
sidewalk. Pity.
[Playing off the childhood rhyme, "Step on a crack/break your mother's back"]
(A little mechanical bug crawls out from Silverbolt's back and clamps
its legs in, spreading red energy)
DOUG : Oh, great, a wood tick! Now he has lymes disease!
PHIL : Lame's disease.
(Silverbolt groans, down on one knee, his eyes go red, and he shakes
his head violently)
SIPHER : (Chester Cheetah head-shake noise)
[Chester Cheetah is the cheese-loving mascot of Cheetos-brand cheese puffs]
(Cheetor turns at the sound of 'Bolt's groaning and walks back,
putting a hand on his shoulder)
CHEETOR : You okay, Silverbolt?
PHIL : Sure, I always vomit for no reason whatsoever.
(Silverbolt gets up and walks away. Zoom in on Cheetor's hand, as red
crackling energy fades into his palm.)
PHIL : Stigmata?!
SIPHER : Christ Machines?
DOUG : Yeah, we're going to Hell for sure.
[The stigmata are the five classical wound points inflicted on Jesus Christ
when he was crucified on the cross -- the side, the feet, and the palms]
(Cheetor's eyes go red, and he sits stunned for a second, then he
shakes his head)
SIPHER : (a little weakly) Oh, it's not easy being cheesy...
[Another Chester Cheetah reference]
(Optimus knuckles along the surface towards one of the tendrils)
OPTIMUS : What is THAT thing?!
PHIL : (at the close-up of the tendril) Poorly-skinned.
[A joke for folks of computer animation, "poorly-skinned" is a comment on how
shoddy the texture-mapping of the tendril looks in this close-up]
(Rattrap rolls up and stares at the Head. Cheetor walks past, stepping
on his tail. Up close, we see the same red energy infecting
Rattrap's tail)
RATTRAP : HEY! Watch where-
(He stops, his eyes go red and he sits stunned ofr a few seconds)
DOUG : (Mo-Ron voice) Daaaar... mittens...
[From the WB cartoon show "Freakazoid"]
(Rattrap groans a little, but moves up to Nightscream)
RATTRAP : Whaddaya say we junk that flying scrap-heap, kid?
NIGHTSCREAM : (With a little head-bob) You got it!
(They high-five)
SIPHER : What was with the soul-sistah head-bob?
(Night's eyes go red, and he stares at his palm...)
NIGHTSCREAM : Wha?!
SIPHER : Mother Brain? Here?
[Mother Brain is the recurring enemy of the space-heroine Samus from
Nintendo's "Metroid" video games. Nightscream doesn't look anything
like Samus, but the reference is made because Nightscream's voice actor
was also Kid Icarus in "Captain N The Game Master", Nintendo's mid-eighties
cartoon series ... which featured Mother Brain as the main villain.]
(Blackarachnia walks up to Silverbolt)
BLACKARACHNIA : Are you sure you're ready to face him?
SILVERBOLT : More than ready. (Puts his arm around her, hand resting
on her arm) I hunger for it!
(More red energy, and a close-up of Black as she goes funny)
DOUG : (singing) T-t-t-touch me, I wanna feel dirty...
[A mangled Rocky Horror Picture Show reference. The line was supposed to
be "Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me", but Sipher's RHPS quotent was down that
day.]
(Optimus looks up at the Head)
OPTIMUS : Silverbolt, Nightscream-
(Close-up of each character's face as he calls them out)
ALL : (Reacting to the faces) Agh! Whoah! (etc)
OPTIMUS : - aerial recon! Rattrap, Cheetor, ground survey!
Blackarahcnia...
PHIL : Cubby! Roy! Annette!
[Mousekateer roll call at the Mickey Mouse Club TV show]
BLACK : (off-cam) Oh yeah? And what are YOU gonna do, monkey?
SIPHER : I'd make a poop joke here, but that would put me on the level of
ToyFare magazine.
PHIL : You're better than that.
SIPHER : I know.
[Sipher wants it to be known that ToyFare f***ing sucks]
NIGHTSCREAM : Oh, SURE, he's all guts and glory NOW, where was this
CHIMP when I was tracking down Noble?!
RATTRAP : If it was up to ME, he'd a let that schitzo-dog rip out
YOUR circuits a long time ago!
SIPHER & DOUG : ME TOO!
PHIL : YOUR circuits too?
RATTRAP : (To a remark from Black) Why SHOULD I keep my nose out of
it when LOVER-BOY here's spent so much time tryin' ta BLOW IT
OFF MY FACE!
DOUG : My rat has no nose!
SIPHER : How does he-
[From the old Vaudeville routine:
"My dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Terrible!"]
CHEETOR : (Calmy) Hey, guys, quit fighting. (then) WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO *PROVE*?! THAT YOUR LOGIC CIRCUITS ARE ALL FRIED?!
(They all start screaming at each other.)
PHIL : Well, just status quo for this crew!
(Optimus transforms to robot mode)
OPTIMUS : ENOUGH! Remember what is important here!
ALL : SELLING TOYS!
OPTIMUS : - we must stay focused on our goal!
(Pause)
NIGHTSCREAM : Aw, get OVER yourself.
BLACKARACHNIA : For pity's sake...
SIPHER : "Pity"?!
RATTRAP : Mister High And Mighty talkin' DOWN to us again!
CHEETOR : We're not DRONES or something!
SILVERBOLT : Yes, hasn't changed MUCH I see!
DOUG : I dunno, Op used to not be an idiot...
(Optimus sits shocked for a minute, then...)
OPTIMUS : (snarling) If you want to act like a bunch of surly farm
animals, SO BE IT. I'll deal with Megatron ALONE.
DOUG : Now THERE'S the Op we used ta know!
(Optimus rockets off. Pause... then a blast scatters the remaining
Maximals. Cheetor looks up, and Thrust and a squad of Cycle Drones
roll up in front of them with gun-arms raised)
THRUST : (mocking) Did the little sheep get caught without their
shepherd?
SIPHER : YEAH! Kick some butt, Thrust!
PHIL : He doesn't have feet.
SIPHER : Roll over some butt, Thrust!
(Optimus looks down to see the cycles attacking. He turns around to
help. Cheetor deflects a bolt with his sword, sending it slamming
into one of the tendrils, severing it.)
DOUG : That was one weak tendril.
SIPHER : Or One Fierce Beer Coaster.
[A pointless reference to The Bloodhound Gang's album of the same name]
(The severed tendril is shocked back, and Primal is hit by one of the
giant flailing wires out of the end)
PHIL : Shoo Prime, don't bother me...
[A variation of the "Shoo Fly" folk song]
(Op loses conciousness, transforming back to beast mode. He falls...
and commercial break)
SIPHER : Betcha he gets saved.
(Back. A large tendril curves under Primal, breaking his fall.)
SIPHER : See? Just like Commando Cody.
["Commando Cody and the Radar Men From the Moon" was one of several Republic
rocket-hero serials from the 40s, and were the first "shorts" to be used by
Mystery Science Theater 3000. Every one would end with Cody being seemingly
killed, but next "week" we'd see him escape before the car blows up or
whatever.]
(The tendil begins carrying him up to the Head. Primal regains enough
concisouness to see it, and we get a view through his eyes of the
Head...)
PHIL : (hung over) Ugh... I slept with THAT?!
(Op loses concisouness again.)
(Thrust and the drones transform to cycle mode and ride a pulse-wave,
scattering the Maximals as they enter the tunnels.)
THRUST : (Yelling behind him) Whastamatter, Maximals?! A little slow
on your feet?!
CHEETOR : We gotta stop them before they find our base!
SIPHER : One "All your base" remark and I break your thumbs.
[An editorial on the ubiquious "All your base are belong to us" Zero Wing
mistranslation fad]
NIGHTSCREAM : Who died and made YOU Optimus?!
(More random screaming)
CHEETOR : I SAID SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND BEAT YOUR FEET!
PHIL : (singing) To the Digi-Beat!
(Doug and Sipher viciously attack Phil for several seconds. Phil stays down
for a few.)
["Beat the heat with the Digi-Beat" was a song used by Fox Kids to promote
the Digimon cartoon for a while during the summer]
(Inside the Head. We see Oppy lying on a random pylon as he wakes up)
MEGATRON : (vo) Welcome, Optimus Primal!
OPTIMUS : Why did you bring me here!
SIPHER : (Megs voice) I've made the most DELICIOUS strudel and MUST share!
MEGATRON : It's time for us to settle things.
(A viewscreen of the Head pops up in front of Op.)
OPTIMUS : What are you doing to Cybertron?
MEGATRON : Oh, that was merely an elaborate way to get your
attention. An invitation, if you will.
DOUG : RSVP RIP?
MEGATRON : It seems, Optimus, that we are not so far apart as we once
appeared.
DOUG : Well, sure, now that he's INSIDE you...
(Phil gets up slowly)
MEGATRON : We both want the same thing.
OPTIMUS : (sarcastic) Oh? And what's that?
(Meagtron appears as a giant data-flow hologram version of the Head
in the middle of the room)
MEGATRON : HARMONY.
SIPHER : Oh, no, not "Carnage in C-Minor" again!
(All react in disgust)
[A reference to the (arguably) most poorly-written, poorly-animated, poorly-
acted Transformers cartoon episode ever, which used musical harmony as a
weapon]
(Thrust and crew race down the tunnels...)
THRUST : (Looking behind him) Heh. Catch me if you can!
(They zoom ahead. Cheetor transforms to beast mode, zipping between
two Drones.)
DOUG : Damn joggers!
(The Drones skid to a halt as he appears ahead of them in robot mode,
swords drawn. The two drones look up at him...)
CHEETOR : HA!!!
(He attacks with both swords, slicing away)
DOUG : All right, Iron Chef!
SIPHER : (Bad dub voice) Today we prepare Teppanyaki Drone with Sprouts.
["Iron Chef" is a cooking competition show produced in Japan by Fuji
Television. It features a weekly duel between one of the show's chefs and
a competitor, while a panel of hosts comment on the action and judge the
final results.]
(More hyper-fast cuts of Cheetor, swords and Drones)
PHIL : And somewhere, some kid has a seizure.
[A sidelong reference to the semi-famous incident in Japan when an episode of
the Pokemon cartoon featuring numerous bright flashes accidentally managed to
trigger epileptic seizures in many children watching TV at home]
(Cheetor walks calmy away. The two Drones creak a little, then fall
apart.)
(Silverbolt prepares to tackle some oncoming Drones...)
DOUG : Way way way, hold it right there. How'd he get IN FRONT of them?!
SIPHER : (Yzma voice) I don't know. Kronk, how DID we get here first?
PHIL : (Kronk voice) I dunno. Logically, it makes no sense.
[Yzma and Kronk are the villians from Disney's "The Emperor's New Groove"]
(The drones are felled by a web-net dropped from the ceiling.
Blackarachnia hangs down and blows the stuneed Silverbolt a kiss.)
(Rattrap is being circled by three drones...)
SIPHER : I don't think that's how you play Duck-Duck-Goose...
RATTRAP : A little HELP here?!
(Nightscream flies in and fires his sonic attack
PHIL : Yoko Ono SINGS!
[Yoko Ono is not a good singer. 'nuff said.]
(The drones slam into a wall, where they explode.)
RATTRAP : Eh, thanks, Wings.
NIGHTSCREAM : No problem... next time, (eyes glow red) LOOK OUT FOR
YOURSELF!!!
(Nightscream fires again, this time slamming Rattrap into the wall.)
ALL : THE BAT MUST DIE!!!
NIGHTSCREAM : (shocked) I... don't know why I did that!
CHEETOR : You could have brought this whole tunnel down on our heads!
BLACKARACHNIA : WHO led us down here in the first place RIGHT into an
ambush?!
SIPHER : Thrust, wasn't it?
CHEETOR : So now it's MY fault?!
SILVERBOLT : It's a miracle you survived as long as you DID
squabbling as you do!!
DOUG : Just think... somewhere, this is somebody's Christmas.
RATTRAP : ...with YOU and your buddies SHOOTIN' AT US ALL THE TIME!
SIPHER : Shootings? A Southern Christmas, then.
BLACKARACHNIA : BACK OFF, RAT!
CHEETOR : Why don't you BOTH BACK OFF?!?!
ALL BUT CHEETOR : BUTT OUT!!!
(Everyone pauses, slowly calming down)
SILVERBOLT : This... this is my fault.
PHIL : I'm all gothy and agnsty inside.
SILVERBOLT : I... never should have returned.
(He turns around, transforming to condor mode and flies off)
BLACKARACHNIA : THAT'S right, just RUN away from your problems!
PHIL : Oh, okay!
(Phil gets up and walks off)
SIPHER : Get back here!
PHIL : She said it was okay!
(Sipher gets up and drags Phil back on-stage)
(Thrust rolls up as everyone argues with each other, accompanied by a
squad of Drones. They fire, scattering the Maximals)
SIPHER : Oh good, Thrust's back!
(Back to the Big Giant Head...)
OPTIMUS : Your version of "harmony" is nothing more than slavery! How
can you have harmony without free will?!
MEGATRON : How can you have harmony among the chaos of disagreeing
minds?
(The data-flow image disappears)
DOUG : Lemme show ya this golden apple I got.
[A reference to the discordia movement, and the Goddes Eris, actually. Sipher
got this joke from a close personal friend of his. The Golden Apple is the
Apple of Discord from Greek mythology, and earned its name when it started a
catfight between Hera, Aphrodites, and Athena. See
http://www.discordia.de/story.html for details.]
OPTIMUS : True harmony only prevails when ALL voices are heard.
SIPHER : And Optimus makes the case for Internet morons everywhere.
[Says it all, really]
(The holo-head appears behind Optimus)
MEGATRON : YOUR way only leads to chaos.
SIPHER : (singing to "My Way") Chaotic my wayyyyy...
[Imitating Paul Anka here]
MEGATRON : Or are THESE the voices of "harmony"?
(Several screens pop up, showing the bickering Maximals fighting off
the drones)
PHIL : (As Nelson) HA-HA!
[Another "Simpsons" reference]
OPTIMUS : I've got to stop them!
MEGATRON : And how do you propose to do that?
DOUG : I won't take them to Six Lasers Over Cybertron if they keep arguing!
[Playing off of the "Six Flags" theme parks, such as "Six Flags Over Texas".
Also note that "Six Lasers" was actually used in an episode of Beast Wars;
presumably, it's an amusement park on Cybertron.]
MEGATRON : ... which in turn is spawned by divided, (the head throws
out two duplicates) divisive minds. The only way to acheive
true unity is through a singular mind.
SIPHER : "'Till all are one" just took on a sinister new meaning.
MEGATRON : ... by false visions that you can't even see my point of
view?
DOUG : Oh, he's weaseling again! I love it!
OPTIMUS : We'll finish this LATER, Megatron.
PHIL : Since you've got me dead to rights. I'm gonna go sulk now.
(He transforms to robot mode and flies off)
MEGATRON : Ah, poor Optimus Primal. So eager to embrace the chaos.
SIPHER : And Chaos doesn't do group hugs, lemme tell ya.
MEGATRON : So eager to embrace your own doom.
DOUG : Mmm. Snuggly doom.
(Commercial)
(Back to the tunnels. The drones are still firing away, with the
Maximals pinned behind boulders)
RATTRAP : Here's ANOTHER fine mess you've gotten us into!
DOUG : STANLEY!
SIPHER : I'm sorry, Ollie! (whimper)
[A tribute to the comedy masters, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy]
(Cheetor deflect a bolt at Rattrap, sending him back against the
wall)
CHEETOR : (in Rattrap's face) Maybe if you low-res chip-heads had ANY
idea how to FOLLOW ORDERS (pointing at Rattrap)...
PHIL : Like PULL MY FINGER!!!
[If you don't get this, ask any seven-year-old]
(Cheetor swings, sending a bolt that explodes a few drones)
CHEETOR : RIGHT BACK ATCHA!!!
(Rocks begin to fall... the blast has loosened up the support of the
tunnel. Everyone scrambles)
DOUG : (Prince voice) Earthquake! Shut up already! Damn!
[Sipher thinks this was a line from a Prince song]
(Cheetor, now in beast mode, pulls himself out of the rubble)
BLACKARACHNIA : (off-camera) HEY, THAT'S MY FOOT!
(Cheetor turns to see the others pulling themselves loose)
RATTRAP : Well, ya GOT seven more!
NIGHTSCREAM : I oughtta be blasting YOU instead of them!
CHEETOR : This is SERIOUSLY glitched... we've argued before...
SIPHER : A lot.
PHIL : Constantly.
DOUG : Every episode.
(The drones pull themselves from the rubble and continue their
attack)
BLACKARACHNIA : If you would have trusted Silverbolt, we wouldn't BE
outnumbered!!!
SIPHER : Uh, no babe, there's still a few MILLION drones out there. I'd say
one won't change those odds signifcantly!
RATTRAP : (Making chicken noises, indicating Silverbolt)
CHEETOR : RATTRAP, scout a retreat!
RATTRAP : I'm THROUGH takin' orders! SCOUT THIS!
(He screams and lunges at Cheetor, who dodges. Rattrap lands on his
face. Cheetor transforms back to robot mode)
CHEETOR : WAIT! Why are we fighting?
(A rock bounces off his forehead)
PHIL : JEHOVAH, JEHOVAH!!!
[From the stoning scene in "Monty Python's The Life of Brian"]
RATTRAP : I want a LOTTA pieces!
(He leaps again, and Cheetor counters. They collide in mid-air and
land on the ground, struggling)
(One of the drones raises his blaster arm, but Thrust pushes it down)
THRUST : Save yer ammo. They're gonna do the job FOR us.
(Cut to topside. Silverbolt flies through the city)
DOUG : I am the terror that flaps in the night...
[From Disney's "Darkwing Duck" cartoon, a parody of Batman]
(He transforms and lands next to one of the giant tendrils)
DOUG : I had a dream about one of those once.
(Silverbolt graps at the back of his neck... and pulls off the little
bug)
SIPHER : KNEW I shoulda grabbed a flea collar at the Walgreens I just
passed.
(Back underground, Cheetor tries to slice Rattrap with a leaping
slash, but misses. Rattrap then runs over his hands)
PHIL : DEY TOOK MY TUMBS, CHALIE!!!
(Blackarachnia has Nightscream lassoed, but he's dragging her through
the air)
NIGHTSCREAM : FACE it, lady! Your boyfriend's a BIG SHINY CHICKEN!
SIPHER : (Cartoon Colonel voice) New from th' Colonel! Shiny Chicken wings!
[Channeling KFC's fried chicken commercials]
BLACKARACHNIA : HE... IS... NOT CHICKEN!!!
DOUG : So how come you keep getting calls from TYSON, huh!
PHIL : (Blacky voice) SHUT UP!
[Tyson is a reference to the Tyson Chicken company]
(Thrust and the Drones watch)
THRUST : Heh, sweet. I oughtta sell tickets.
SIPHER : Damn shame all the spectators are dead.
(A finger taps him on the shoulder. He turns... and we see through
his eyes as Primal punches him in the face)
SIPHER : Aw.
(Cheetor lunges at the rolling Rattrap again)
CHEETOR : QUIT DANCIN' AROUND AND FIGHT, FETA BREATH!
SIPHER : (Denis Leary voice) We drink and dance and punch our relatives at
the same time. (Denis' "Riverdance" tune, complete with punch noises)
[From Leary's "Lock 'n' Load" album]
(The two grapple at each other again, Rattrap trying to stab Cheetor
in the head with his tail)
(Back to Nightscream)
NIGHTSCREAM : yep, that's him! BAWK BAWK BAWK!
PHIL : (Swedish Chef) Bork bork bork!
[From "The Muppet Show"]
BLACKARACHNIA : When I get my hands on you there won't be enough LEFT
TO BARBECUE!
(Primal flies in, seeing the Maximals fighting)
DOUG : (To himself) I got a bunch of IDIOTS on my team...
OPTIMUS : STOP THIS!
(The Maximals freeze)
OPTIMUS : You're SOLDIERS! TEAMMATES! FRIENDS!
SIPHER : FLOOR WAX!
DOUG : DESSERT TOPPING!
[The classic Saturday Night Live commercial slogan -- "It's a dessert topping
AND a floor wax!"]
BLACKARACHNIA : FRIENDS don't ABANDON each other!
(She fires a web-lasso that wraps around Primal)
CHEETOR : She's RIGHT! I'm TIRED of your SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!
RATTRAP : YEAH! Why don't you go on another VISION QUEST and LEAVE US
ALONE!
PHIL : Vision Quest 63 from Sierra On-Line!
[Game developer Sierra On-Line made a very successful adventure game called
"King's Quest". It was followed up by many sequels, and other similar games
shared the naming convention ("Space Quest", "Police Quest").]
(Cheetor throws Rattrap out of the way, then charges at Primal... and
punches him. And again. And again. And again.)
SIPHER : (singing) The eye of the cheetah...
[Spoofing "Eye of the Tiger" from ROCKY]
(Cheetor takes a swing-kick that sends Primal flying)
CHEETOR : GET UP AND FIGHT LIKE A MAXIMAL!
(We see through Cheetor's red eyes as he reaches for Primal's neck.
The red energy courses through Primal's chest, and his eyes begin to
glow...)
OPTIMUS : FORGET the seeds of the future...
DOUG : Yeah?
OPTIMUS : I'M BURYING *YOU* IN THE PAST!!!
DOUG : All RIGHT! APE-SLAG APE!!!
(Primal breaks the webbing, sending the Maximals sprawling. Suddenly
a feather-dart his the floor and explodes. Silverbolt lands in the
middle of the Maximals)
SILVERBOLT : This madness ends NOW!!!
PHIL : Hey, I LIKED that band!
[A tip of the cane to the ska band Madness]
OPTIMUS : STARTING WITH YOU!
SILVERBOLT : STOP! We've all been infected with a virus!
DOUG : Quick, run Norton Utilities!
[Norton Utilities is a computer program often used to locate and eliminate
computer viruses]
NIGHTSCREAM : Why should we trust YOU, JETSTORM?!
SILVERBOLT : BECAUSE!!
SIPHER : Digimon's starting in five minutes and we gotta wrap this up!
[At the time this was written, "Digimon" was the most popular cartoon and
aired immediately after "Beast Machines"]
SILVERBOLT : ... know better than anybody that the HATING... and the
hurting... have got to end.
DOUG : (Southern voice) An' th' fussin' an' th' feudin'.
(Optimus sloly nods)
(Cheetor sighs and sheathes his swords)
CHEETOR : (quietly) If Optimus trusts you... that's good enough for
me.
(Blackarachnia and Nightscream look down in shame)
ALL : (fakey sitcom AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)
RATTRAP : Take from an authority on the subject... I smell a RAT.
(Shot of one of the giant tendrils. Rattrap rolls up and pulls out a
small device as his visor flips down)
SIPHER : It's the machine that goes PING!
[A quote from "Monty Python's Meaning of Life" -- "Ah, I see you have the
machine that goes ping!"]
RATTRAP : These things are (glitch) ARRRGH, activation signal right
through the ground!
SILVERBOLT : To trigger a pre-planted virus, RIGHT? HIDDEN IN ME?!
DOUG : (As Rex) Now I have GUILT!
[Rob's favorite "Toy Story" quote]
(Silverbolt shows him the bug. Rattrap runs the scanner over it)
RATTRAP : Yep And it's a nasty piece of business, too! Had an
adrenaline booster, neo-cortex suppressor...
ALL : (singing) Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and
a nasty virus planned to kill us all!
[From "The Twelve Days of Christmas"]
NIGHTSCREAM : Sounds like a new strain of that ancient hate-plague
virus! Or didn't you guys ever TAKE HISTORY?
DOUG : Does this mean we gotta hear "The Touch" AGAIN?!
[In the original Transformers episode, "The Return of Optimus Prime," a
hate-plague threatens to ravage the galaxy, and the only cure is for Optimus
Prime to open the Autobot Matrix of leadership. As he administers the cure,
Stan Bush's "The Touch" plays in the background.]
RATTRAP : In two words... Im-possible.
(From inside the Head)
MEGATRON : And I've got two more words for you, Maximals...
SIPHER : (Leary) NUCLEAR F'N WEAPONS, OKAY?!
[Denis Leary again, this time from his song "Asshole"]
(The head sends shockwaves through the ground, and more rocks fall.
Cheetor knocks a falling boulder away that would have crushed
Rattrap)
OPTIMUS : That's IT! We've got to work together to reform our neural
pathways!
PHIL : Uh...
OPTIMUS : That's the only way to destroy the virus and cure us!
PHIL : (A little repulsed) They're not gonna hug, are they?
(Optimus closes his eyes and concentrates)
SIPHER : Ommmmmmmmmmm...
[Meditation joke]
(The Head sendes a huge red pulse down each tendril, causing
explosions as they hit the ground. A tremendous shockwave travels
along the tunnel...)
(Thrust picks himself up and the drones reactivate)
DOUG : Oh, did I have the beer-goggles on...
[A cute way of saying you thought someone was attractive, but that was only
because you were REALLY drunk.]
OPTIMUS : Everyone to the surface!
(Thrust aims... but a rumbling makes him turn, and he seems the
shockwave throwing rocks and drones around)
SIPHER : (Thrust) Oh, man this is gonna (as the shockwave hits, slamming
Thrust repeatedly against the ceiling and floor) SU-U-U-U-U-U-UCK!!!
(The shockwave hits the Maximals, and rocks fall on top of them)
PHIL :
(The floor beneath Silverbolt begins to collapse...)
BLACKARACHNIA : SILVERBOLT!
(The floor gives way and 'Bolt plummets. Black fires a webbing that
grabs him...)
DOUG : Well ,that's one way to add a new thrill to bungee-jumping!
(Blackarachnia can't keep her footing, and she goes over the edge.
The floor collapses under Cheetor and Rattrap too)
SIPHER : Someone grab the Holy Grail!
[As seen in the climax of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"]
(Nightscream dives into the hole after them.)
OPTIMUS : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
ALL : STAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
[From "The Dead", as seen on Mystery science Theater 3000]
(They fall... Cheetor grabs onto Blackarachnia's leg, and Rattrap
gets a hold of Cheetor's)
DOUG : (singing) Chain chain chain... chain of fools...
(Nightscream grips Rattrap's tail, and manages to stop them from
falling briefly... but he can't support the weight, and he plummets)
(Optimus grits his teeth)
PHIL : Must... think... happy... thoughts...
[A reference to reviving Tinkerbell in the theatrical productions of "Peter
Pan"]
(The red in his eyes disappears, and he leaps in after the Maximals.
There is darkness for a few seconds...)
DOUG : I'M BLIND!
(Optimus flies up, towing the chain of Maximals)
PHIL : (Sings the Superman theme from the movies)
[See the first "Superman" movie with Christopher Reeve if you haven't
already]
(Silverbolt shakes his head... the red glow vanishes from his eyes.
Blackarachnia shakes her head and the red glow disappears)
SIPHER : (Ben Stein voice) Removes red-eye fast. Wow.
[From Ben Stein's numerous "Clear Eyes" eyedrop commercials]
(The glow fades from Cheetor... then Rattrap)
DOUG: Okay, we get it, can we move on?
PHIL : No, we gotta see Nightscream's ugly puss again.
(Primal flies to the surface)
SIPHER : That is the silliest Macy's Day balloon I think I've ever seen.
[In New York City, every Thanksgiving Day is celebrated with a parade of
gigantic balloons. The parade is sponsored by the department store Macy.]
(They all land)
RATTRAP : Woo-hoo, does it feel good to be a team again!
(Silverbolt looks down)
BLACK : What's wrong?
DOUG : This body. What AM I, some kinda samurai turkey?
SILVERBOLT : ... USED to infect all of you. Stil lhappy to have me
back?
OPTIMUS : More than ever, old friend.
(Primal puts his hand on Silverbolt's shoulder.)
(The tendrils lift out o