The BotCon '98 Beast Wars Script
Introduction
At BotCon '98, the featured event for Saturday night was a script-reading session by the voice actors of the Beast Wars television show. Accompanied by musical themes and sound effects, the guests delivered a ten-minute comical romp, loaded with references to Mainframe Entertainment, toy collecting, and Transformers fandom. This story is the first part of a multiple-convention story arc conceived of by the convention organizers, 3H Productions.
The script is reproduced below; annotated footnotes are listed in parenthesis.
Cast and Credits
Beast Wars Characters
In order of appearance:
| Oynx Primal | Convention exclusive toy for BotCon '96. A Maximal assassin of dubious loyalty and boastful vanity. |
| Packrat | Convention exclusive toy for BotCon '97. A Maximal thief who loves to gloat about his newest acquisitions. |
| Fractyl | Convention exclusive toy for BotCon '97. A Predacon geochemist, more interested in research than combat. |
| Vice Grip | Convention exclusive toy for BotCon '98. A Predacon scout who takes pride in a job well done. |
| Silverbolt | A Maximal tracker and an honorable warrior of the highest order. |
| Rattrap | A Maximal spy whose streetwise self-interest sometimes causes conflicts with his allies. |
| Larry DiTillio | Story editor for the Beast Wars cartoon. |
| Optimus Primal | Leader of the Maximals. |
| Antagony | Convention exclusive toy for BotCon '98. An enigmatic Predacon with an unknown agenda. |
| Megatron | Leader of the Predacons. |
| Waspinator | A Predacon warrior who often ends up abused by circumstances, and a perennial fan favorite. |
Cast
| Susan Blu | Antagony |
| Gary Chalk | Optimus Primal, Oynx Primal |
| David Kaye | Megatron, Larry DiTillio |
| Scott McNeill | Packrat, Rattrap, Silverbolt, Vice Grip, Waspinator |
| Doug Parker | Fractyl |
| Vince DiCola | Music and sound effects |
"Visitations"
FADE LIGHTS UP
We see all the actors seated in a semicircle on the stage, spotlights illuminating them.
SFX: BLOWING WIND, MUSIC. Music FADES as we HEAR SFX: ROBOT FOOTSTEPS.
ONYX PRIMAL
Come on, Packrat! Up here!
PACKRAT
(puffing)
Oh, my aching servos. The only thing worse than patrol duty is patrol duty with a bat who thinks he's a mountain goat.
ONYX PRIMAL
If you'd quit complaining, you might have enough breath for the climb. Not that I care. You want to rest, rest. I'll go on alone.
PACKRAT
And have ya find that weird meteorite first? Not a chance, Onyx Primal, ya leather-winged loser. 'Course, ya could always fly...
ONYX PRIMAL
Sure, and get shot down.
PACKRAT
Oh yeah, this is Pred territory.
ONYX PRIMAL
It wasn't the Preds I was worried about.
(pulls out gun, SFX: COCKS it)
Say, why don't YOU go on ahead.
PACKRAT
Whoa, no ya don't. I wouldn't trust--
(suddenly sniffs)
Waittacycle. Smell that?
ONYX PRIMAL
(also sniffing)
Predacon. Artifact. But unusual...
(sudden excitement)
There! Inside that tangle of wild bean vines!
PACKRAT
Wild bean vines!? Oh no! This isn't one of those episodes, is it? (1)
ONYX PRIMAL
I think I see it!
PACKRAT
You do not! I saw it first!
SFX: RUSTLES OF VINES, STRUGGLES, GRUNTS
PACKRAT/ONYX
Gimme it! Leggo! It's mine! Stupid mouse! Blasted bloodsucker! (etc.)
Ending with:
ONYX PRIMAL
Hah! Got it!
PACKRAT
(sullen)
Aw, go suck on a turkey neck.
ONYX PRIMAL
It's a Pred gizmo all right. I'd say it's some sort of ... plot device. But unusual design. Almost ... futuristic.
PACKRAT
Well, duh! This is a science fiction series, bat boy.
ONYX PRIMAL
No, I mean--
He BREAKS OFF with a startled yell as suddenly we hear SFX: EXPLOSIONS and strobe lights FLASH.
PACKRAT
(yells)
Look! Up in the sky! It's the Predacons Fractyl and Vicegrip, diving to attack! They must have detected the artifact too, and are coming to take it from our possession!
ONYX PRIMAL
(dryly)
Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
PACKRAT
Hey, I didn't write this slag.
SFX: MORE EXPLOSIONS and FLASHES, which carry OVER:
FRACTYL
They've found the artifact, Vicegrip! Blast them!
VICEGRIP
I already am, Fractyl! Why are you wasting time telling me!?
FRACTYL
Just establishing our names with the audience, Vicegrip! Remember, they're Transfans! (2)
SFX: SUDDEN, ABSOLUTE SILENCE. No explosions, no flashes. There is a LONG PAUSE.
SFX: CRICKET CHIRPS.
FRACTYL
(carefully)
What did you say?
VICEGRIP
(very small)
Nuthin'. Din't say nuthin'.
FRACTYL
That's better.
(shout)
Okay! Light it up!
The SFX: EXPLOSIONS and FLASHES resume.
ONYX PRIMAL
Quickly, Packrat! Take cover in this crevice with the convenient overhanging boulders!
PACKRAT
No way! I know this writer. (4) I'll hold 'em off from out here!
ONYX PRIMAL
What are you, paranoid?
PACKRAT
Hey, in case you hadn't noticed, big ears, we ain't exactly recurring characters. (mutters) I feel like a red shirt in "Star Trek." (5)
ONYX PRIMAL
Suit yourself. As for me, I'll stash this strange artifact deep in this crevice, amongst these rocks-- HEY!
PACKRAT
Now what!?
ONYX PRIMAL
A strange figure just appeared and snatched the artifact and vanished!
PACKRAT
What'd it look like!?
ONYX PRIMAL
Couldn't tell! It was in heavy shadow.
PACKRAT
Yeah right. Since when do we have shadows? (6)
(sudden reaction to SFX: INCOMING MISSILE)
Uh oh! One of Vicegrips' missiles is headed straight for the overhanging boulders! Gee, who woulda thought!
ONYX PRIMAL
Run!
SFX: REALLY LOUD EXPLOSION AND FALLING ROCKS.
SFX: FADE BATTLE SOUNDS TO DISTANT AND FADE UP SFX: RUSHING AIR
SFX: SILVERBOLT FANFARE
SILVERBOLT
Rattrap! Look down there, my rodent passenger! A battle rages b'twixt good Maximal and evil Predacon!
RATTRAP
So we're tryin' somethin' new then, eh, bonebrain?
SILVERBOLT
We must go to the aid of our comrades in conflict!
RATTRAP
Whaddaya, nuts? Silverbolt, they're repaints. (7) Screw 'em with a Phillips head.
SILVERBOLT
I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Rattrap. Power dive!
SFX: DIVE-BOMBER
RATTRAP
(descending yell)
FADE UP SFX: WEAPONS BATTLE
ONYX PRIMAL
Good thing we escaped that explosion! It took out half the landscape!
PACKRAT
Yeah, that was some truly spectacular devastation!
LARRY DITILLIO leans onstage, possibly dressed as Groucho.
LARRY DITILLIO
Man. I knew 3H Enterprises took a hit last year, but this is ridiculous! (8)
Larry vanishes. Packrat reacts.
PACKRAT
Look! It's Silverbolt and Rattrap!
ONYX PRIMAL
Say that again?
PACKRAT
Silverbolt and Rattrap! Silverbolt and Rattrap!
ONYX PRIMAL
(looking at the audience)
You all clear on that? Good. Here they come.
SFX: MAJOR BLASTS AND EXPLOSIONS, CARNAGE IN GENERAL
VICEGRIP
Aaarrgh! I'm stagged, Fractyl!
FRACTYL
Me too! AAAARGH!
The SFX: EXPLOSIONS and BATTLE fade to silence. only the lights on the actors playing Vicegrip and Fractyl remain.
VICEGRIP
(after a beat)
Cool. We're done for this episode, Fractyl. Guess you and me can go get a drink of mech fluid at (name of local bar) (9)
FRACTYL
I'm there, Vicegrip. Say, heard this joke the other cycle -- "Why does a Decepticon wrap a Maximal in duct tape?"
VICEGRIP
(voice fading)
Heard it. And you're disgusting.
(both laugh)
LIGHTS BACK UP. SFX: ROCKS BEING PUSHED ASIDE
ONYX PRIMAL
Silverbolt and Rattrap. You're lucky to be alive. I was just about to vaporize those Preds when you got in the way.
PACKRAT
You were not, blood breath! I was!
ONYX PRIMAL
Go chew on a wall!
RATTRAP
Hey hey HEY! I don't suppose either of you two promotional items managed to find the McGuffin for this ep?
PACKRAT
The artifact? I had it, but pegwarmer here lost it. (10)
ONYX PRIMAL
Liar! I had it, but it was stolen by a mysterious shadowy figure that appeared out of nowhere!
SILVERBOLT
Appeared out of nowhere, eh? Like THAT?
OTHERS
(gasp)
SFX: RISING HUM OF POWER
PACKRAT
Amazing! A dark figure of power and evil, appearing from a cloud of smoke!
ONYX PRIMAL
George Boznos!? (11)
PACKRAT
No, it's some sort of female Predacon! And she's got a weapon! Look out!
SFX: LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS AND BLASTING
RATTRAP, ONYX, SILVERBOLT, PACKRAT, FRACTYL
(more or less in unison, depending on how many voices Scott is doing)
Aaagh! GAAAH! I'm hit! Agh! My head's blown off! Aaagh! My roboguts are hanging out! Aaagh! I'm bleeding mech fluid into the dust! Aaargh! What hideously violent cybergore!
SFX: BLASTING FADES OFF AS:
RATTRAP
(wailing)
If only someone could stop this carnage!
OPTIMUS PRIMAL
This is Optimus. I'm on my way!
RATTRAP
Actually, I was thinkin' more like Sally Bell. (12)
ANTAGONY
The BS&P will not save you this time, Maximals. (13) For your doom is at hand! Which of you have the device?
ONYX PRIMAL
Uh... That would be Packrat!
PACKRAT
No way! Onyx Primal had it, but he lost it, the lamer!
ONYX/PACKRAT
Did not! Did so! Did not! Did so!
SFX: APPROACHING FANJETS AND BUZZING
SILVERBOLT
(weakly)
Lo! The villains Megatron and Waspinator approach!
ANTAGONY
Well, since none of you can produce the device, I shall simply destroy you all.
PACKRAT/ONYX
(hasty unison)
Megatron has it!
SFX: FANJETS WHINE DOWN.
MEGATRON
Well. What have we here?
WASPINATOR
Waspinator see many body parts. And none of them Waspinator's. Oh, happy day!
ANTAGONY
Are you Megatron?
MEGATRON
Yesss. Excellent.
RATTRAP
By the second line! Pay up! (14)
Whoever is next to Scott slaps a bill in his hand. (15)
MEGATRON
And who, my dear devastating ant-shaped damsel, might you be?
ANTAGONY
I am your doom! I am your destruction! I am your worst enemy!
ANTAGONY
NO! I am ANTAGONY! Herald of the Destruction! And long have I searched for you! But your trail was hidden well.
(lower voice -- dramatic)
I scanned the vast reaches of the cosmos and found nothing. I filtered the very essence of Transwarp space and got no clue. I even cast the cyber-runes of Primus to no avail!
MEGATRON
So how DID you find me then?
ANTAGONY
I checked Ben Yee's web page. (18)
MEGATRON
What!? You have betrayed me for the last time, Wonko The Sane!
David stands and makes a shooting gesture with his hand. SFX: BLASTER. In the audience, BEN YEE leaps up, screams, and dies weltering in his own gore. (19)
WASPINATOR
Ooo. Can Waspinator shoot audience member too?
MEGATRON
No!
WASPINATOR
Awww.
ANTAGONY
And now, Megatron -- eh?
SFX: APPROACHING JETS
MEGATRON
Ah. Here comes Primal, right on the typical heroic cue. He shall save me.
WASPINATOR
What? Monkey-bot is our enemy--
MEGATRON
(interrupts hastily)
Shut up, Waspinator.
(louder, hearty)
Yes, we're good friends, Primal and I. He will destroy you, Antagony.
ANTAGONY
Not if I destroy him first!
SFX: BLASTER FIRE STARTS.
OPTIMUS
Eh!? That new creature is firing on me. I must try to reason with it.
(louder)
Hold on! Hold your fire! I mean you no harm.
SFX: FIRING STOPS, OPTIMUS LANDS
ANTAGONY
You are Optimus Primal?
OPTIMUS
Yes I am. And if you know my name, you know that I am leader of the Maximals on this planet. We desire only peace. Join with us. Together, we all can make the world a better place. Think of it. A place without weapons. Without violence. With no harsh conflicts between the characters.
MEGATRON
(sourly)
Sounds like a real ratings winner.
OPTIMUS
What do you say? Lay down your weapons, and join with us in the Maximal ways of peace, and fellowship, and--
ANTAGONY
OH, SHUT UP AND DIE!
SFX: BLASTER FIRE STARTS UP AGAIN
OPTIMUS
Well, that's just prime. Guns! Online!
SFX: OPTIMUS'S BLASTERS START HAMMERING
MEGATRON
Yess. An excellent display of destruction, eh, Waspinator?
WASPINATOR
And it still not happening to Waspinator! Yayy!
SFX: FINAL BLAST
ANTAGONY
Aaaargh! I'm hit! I'm down!
OPTIMUS PRIMAL
Good. Because I'm out of ammo.
MEGATRON
Are you now?
SFX: MEGATRON FIRES
OPTIMUS PRIMAL
Aaaargh!
SFX: THUD AS HE HITS THE GROUND
MEGATRON
Waspinator, grab Antagony. Yes, excellent. Now. Surely it is my turn to ask the questions, eh?
ANTAGONY
(damaged, but tough)
Forget it. And don't call me Shirley. Come here, bug-boy!
WASPINATOR
Ack! Ant-bot has Waspinator by neck! Has gun in Waspinator's ear!
ANTAGONY
I have a hostage now, Megatron! So stay back, or I'll blow his head right off!
WASPINATOR
No! Please! Waspinator's extended warranty expire last week!
MEGATRON
Hmmmmmmm....
David glances at the audience, who should (hopefully) be laughing by now. Finally he says:
MEGATRON
Oh, let's not go there. Very well, Antagony. I back away.
SFX: METAL FOOTSTEPS, WIND
ANTAGONY
Look out, fool! You're stirring up dust -- ahhh ... ahhhh...
WASPINATOR
NOOOOOOO!
ANTAGONY
ACHOOO!
SFX: BLASTER FIRES.
WASPINATOR
(comical fading yell)
MEGATRON, ANTAGONY
(unison)
Eeeeewww.
ANTAGONY
Blast. And that was MY last shot, too. Uhh... power fading...
SFX: THUD as she hits the ground.
MEGATRON
(chuckle)
As I anticipated.
(darker)
Now you are MY hostage, Antagony. I shall take you back to the Predacon base. And there we shall learn what destruction you herald -- and what indeed your true mission is!
(evil laughter)
FADE LIGHTS OUT
END PART ONE
Footnotes
(1) This is a reference to the (deliberately) comical Beast Wars episode, "The Low Road." Suffice it to say that bean vines and flatulance are major elements of the story...
(2) "TransFans," shorthand for "Transformers fans."
(3) In Transformers: The Movie, the character Brawn is shot in the shoulder and falls down, apparently dead. However, some fans have gone to great lengths to suggest (in jest) that Brawn didn't die, given the superficial nature of the wound. Through sheer tenacity, "Brawn is dead"/"Brawn is alive" has become one of the longest-running gags in the on-line fan community.
(4) The Beast Wars cartoon has an inordinate number of moments where characters have been crushed by falling boulders (usually done as Warner Bros.-style slapstick). Writer Bob Forward has written a lot of those stories...
(5) For those too young to get the joke: in the original Star Trek television series, security crewmembers who visited planets with Captain Kirk invaribly died in hideously violent ways. Since security officers wore red uniforms on that show, the term "red-shirt" has come to mean a character who's doomed.
(6) Due to budget limits and political disputes at Mainframe Entertainment, the Beast Wars cartoon has never had enough money for the computers to render shadows.
(7) Because of the costs involved in toy design, the convention-exclusive toys at each BotCon have always been repainted versions of existing toys to keep them affordable. Among some fans, repainted toys are not as popular as the first versions. Needless to say, Packrat and Oynx Primal (along with Fractyl, Vice Grip, and Antagony) fall into this category.
(8) 3H Enterprises, the organizers of BotCon '98, lost a lot of money hosting BotCon '97 the year before. BotCon continues to be a money-losing venture, yet 3H gamely continues to hold the conventions out of their devotion to the hobby.
(9) At BotCon '98, this was "the Marriot" (hotel).
(10) Among toy collectors, a "peg-warmer" is an unpopular toy that doesn't sell. It constantly sits on the shelving peg, keeping it warm...
(11) George Boznos is a toy designer at Kenner, one of the few working on creating new Beast Wars toys.
(12) Sally Claster Bell is the executive vice-president of Claster Television, the company that distributes the syndicated Beast Wars cartoon. Presumably she also serves in some sort of BS&P capacity as well (see next footnote).
(13) "BS&P" stands for Broadcast Standards & Practices, the people who ensure that television programs follow local and national standards of acceptability. In other words, the censors.
(14) In Beast Wars, Megatron's pronounced use of "yesssss," "noooooooo," and "excellent" is a recurring character trait.
(15) At BotCon '98, this was Susan Blu, though reportedly she slipped him a piece of paper instead.
(16) Raksha is a long-standing member of the fan community, reknown for her unwavering admiration of the Decepticons. She has repeatedly spoken out against the Beast Wars Megatron, citing that his ignoble behavior is a disgrace to the original Megatron character. Fortunately, she has taken the joke in the playful spirit in which it was meant. Good thing, too, since it brought down the house.
(17) At BotCon '98, this line was delivered as, "Oh, no ... Raksha!"
(18) Ben Yee, a.k.a. "Wonko the Sane," is a reknown member of the fan community for his extensive gathering of Beast Wars news and information. His web site is highly popular among many fans, and Ben continues to work with the Beast Wars writers as a reference authority and liason.
(19) Not really, but Ben hammed it up admirably. *Grin*
Miscellany
The script-reading session began with an impromptu playing of the "Star-Spangled Banner," followed by an abbreviated round of "Oh, Canada."
At BotCon '98, Oynx Primal and Packrat were played with the voices of Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton from The Honeymooners (Jackie Gleason and Art Carney, respectively).
Onyx Primal was originally released at BotCon '96 by the convention organizers as a Predacon assassin. However, Kenner's official position is that any "Optimus" character must be a hero, not a villian; since Kenner owned the rights to Oynx Primal (and all other convention-exclusive toys), he was subsequently recast as a Maximal.
At BotCon '98, Larry DiTillio's line was delivered by David Kaye. Larry was present in the audience, but decided to remain a spectator.
After the reading was over, Gary Chalk asked if Raksha was in the audience. When he found out that she wasn't, he replied, "So that's why you people were laughing so hard! You big, big chickens!"
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